What even is self love and confidence?

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Rice
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 55
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2022 4:08 pm
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 25
Location: Canada

Thu Apr 27, 2023 7:46 pm

Hey guys,

Something I have been struggling with lately is the whole idea of "be above average" in looks to get laid. Its repeated all the time on KYIL and GLL (Good Looking Loser), as well as various mentors in these communities.

In theory I can see myself being above average in looks: I get a lot of dates from online dating, girls I approach would show up on dates without knowing anything about me, and both men and women have been complimenting my appearance almost every time I am out.

But when I see even an average looking girl I still have a hard time seeing that she would want to have sex with me. And if she calls me cute or hot or whatever it kinda feels like she is just saying that to be nice and she just wants to be friends.

I am in this weird state where because I have so much surface level interest, I can look at college age girls and my default reaction is she probably likes me and would probably want to go on a date / talk to me. But when it comes to sex I still view it as 100% me getting lucky if it happens rather than me being the hot guy she would want to be with (or that she even gets anything out of it).

I suspect a big part of it is because growing up I always had girls call me cute or whatever but it was more "little kid cute" and not "hot cute". But whenever I actually showed interest in girls it would be awkward. So I learned to react to typical IOIs as her just being friendly.

It has gotten better lately, but deep down I still have the same mindset that most girls have no interest in sex with me. Especially since I have gone on so many dates with zero sexual tension. It feels like girls only wanna hang out with me because I come across as such a nice guy that they didn't even know its a date.

Even if I had sex with a girl, I still feel like she didn't actually find me attractive. She was just bored and I was in the right place at the right time. I only start to believe a girl actually finds me attractive if we meet up multiple times and she doesn't seem to be able to control herself around me.

The other issue is I just don't find myself attractive. The guys I look at and think "wow he is hot" is a tall twink with a nice jawline. My attractive traits are my muscles and my smile, which aren't really things I really appreciate in men personally. I still find it surprising that muscular guys get laid.

I know for both issues I need to do some kind of brainwashing or reframing. But I haven't put much thought into it because I figured time will fix it. To some extent, time has fixed some issues, but it seems to have plateaued recently.

I don't have any experience fixing beliefs, and it seems around the forums a lot of guys have way better mindsets than I do. I am hoping someone can share some insight on how to get started on actually liking myself and viewing myself as someone who can be successful with girls.
5'4 Asian

My Story: viewtopic.php?p=41772#p41772
My Log: viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1262

Goals
25 Lays (15/25)

Done
Move out before 2023
4 good tinder photos
400 approaches
Move to Montreal
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bonzo34
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Fri Apr 28, 2023 1:00 am

..
Last edited by bonzo34 on Sun Dec 10, 2023 6:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
dating

resolve job/income

Be an Army Officer

50 lays. 1/50

The first time you quit, it's hard. The second time, it gets easier. The third time, you don't even have to think about it.
be transparent as possible. Stop setting plays. Stop playing chess with life.
you make progress when you face a fear head on
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Rice
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 55
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2022 4:08 pm
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 25
Location: Canada

Fri Apr 28, 2023 3:19 am

bonzo34 wrote:
Fri Apr 28, 2023 1:00 am
https://www.gll-getalife.com/get-succes ... g-insecure

"Some of your insecurity goes away at that point, long after you actually achieved your goal or saw results."

This was in coaching too
The problem here is that people have been telling me I am good looking for years. Even in my lowest points when I was in incel servers, the e-girls would dm me and ask me how I am an incel because I turned on my camera one time.

But the validation never really got to me because at the end of the day I just don't get enough actual sexual experience. If I started getting sex consistently then eventually I would start seeing myself as a guy girls want sex with.

Right now its a bit of a catch 22 though, because my lack of confidence is likely why most my dates go nowhere and I can't retain girls very long. For me its the ratio between hits and misses that makes me insecure so thats why

I want to figure out a strategy other than continuing to repeat my same mistakes on dates and waiting for a girl who really likes me to come around every once in a blue moon. Because as long as the majority of my interactions with girls feel platonic, I will continue feeling like I am not a sexual person.

My original plan was to continue gaining muscle, getting some tattoos, and maybe some cosmetic surgery so that I have more SMV and everything will fall into place. But realistically, I am probably already 80-90% as good looking as the best possible version of myself.

Something tells me that when I finish looksmaxxing I will still struggle with the same issues I have now. So my original plan wouldn't work. The change has to come from within, which is something I have never worked on before.

I see other guys here do visualizations and stuff like that. But I am completely lost where to go with it so thats why I made this post.


PS: I feel like looksmaxxing would work if I wasn't so short because then I would achieve Chad status. I am not saying tall guys have it easy, just personally if I was tall on top of everything else I have. But I have been trying not to dwell on it as much because I am not getting any taller. Perhaps my mistake is assuming the minimum height for a Chad is 5'8.
5'4 Asian

My Story: viewtopic.php?p=41772#p41772
My Log: viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1262

Goals
25 Lays (15/25)

Done
Move out before 2023
4 good tinder photos
400 approaches
Move to Montreal
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AskTheDom
Posts: 1265 | Thanks: 550
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Fri Apr 28, 2023 3:23 am

You have been dealing with insecurities since your first day here.

And most of them steam from your negative self esteem and limiting beliefs.

You can looksmaxx as much as you want but if you think of yourself of an ugly duck, you’ll always see yourself as an ugly duck.
Mario "The Dom" Tubone
Your Dominance coach - I help Men becoming more confident and competent both inside and outside the bedroom

MY WEEKLY PODCAST: https://rb.gy/8u2e1z
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Manganiello
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Name: Brandon
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Age: 33
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Location: Seoul

Fri Apr 28, 2023 3:53 am

@Rice google belief changing exercises and start.

They're usually pretty simple. You just have to do them many many times, consistently.

If you need specific help on this you can always DM me.
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hush
Posts: 193 | Thanks: 81
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Fri Apr 28, 2023 3:37 pm

it's your job to make sure the girl understands it's a date and not platonic hanging out.
That said, you get dates from online dating so how could it not be obvious it's a date?

You're good looking already, look isn't the bottleneck for sure. You get dates, you wouldn't if you were not good looking enough.
Are you playful during your dates?
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Rice
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 55
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2022 4:08 pm
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Age: 25
Location: Canada

Sat Apr 29, 2023 6:04 am

hush wrote:
Fri Apr 28, 2023 3:37 pm
it's your job to make sure the girl understands it's a date and not platonic hanging out.
That said, you get dates from online dating so how could it not be obvious it's a date?

You're good looking already, look isn't the bottleneck for sure. You get dates, you wouldn't if you were not good looking enough.
Are you playful during your dates?
Its always been obvious its a date. Just my insecurities kick in and it still feels weird to be going on real dates. I am definitely not playful during dates most of the time. Sometimes the opportunity presents itself but its only when the girl is kinda autistic herself.
5'4 Asian

My Story: viewtopic.php?p=41772#p41772
My Log: viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1262

Goals
25 Lays (15/25)

Done
Move out before 2023
4 good tinder photos
400 approaches
Move to Montreal
User avatar
hush
Posts: 193 | Thanks: 81
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2022 4:18 pm
Goal: build my physique
Age: 29

Sat Apr 29, 2023 7:00 am

Rice wrote:
Sat Apr 29, 2023 6:04 am
I am definitely not playful during dates most of the time.
Then you know what to improve 👍🏻
User avatar
Rice
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 55
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2022 4:08 pm
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 25
Location: Canada

Sat Apr 29, 2023 6:45 pm

Ok so after thinking about it, another reason why I have trouble believing I am attractive because I want to believe it can be better.

I get compliments from girls quite often and most girls I talk to are friendly. But I am like wow thats it? I don't get approached when out at night. And I don't get more than a brief stare when walking around during the day (I don't even notice this, my wings point it out).

I want to believe there is a looks threshold I can pass where I don't need to "have game". I can just say hi and the girl ends up in bed. I guess to some extent I can dates by literally just saying hi so maybe I have passed it. But on the date the girl usually doesn't make it easy.

I have the suspicion that the behaviour I want does exist, but I won't get to it because my SMV caps due to my height. So to get to where I want to be I actually have to learn better social skills and vibe which scares me.

I don't know if I have unrealistic expectations on what its like to be an attractive guy. Or if the kind of attractive I want to be isn't possible without height or some kinda of pseudo celebrity status.
5'4 Asian

My Story: viewtopic.php?p=41772#p41772
My Log: viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1262

Goals
25 Lays (15/25)

Done
Move out before 2023
4 good tinder photos
400 approaches
Move to Montreal
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