I've become a loser all over again.

[Ashsrt]

Hey Everyone, I've been away from the forums for a while, but I need to be here now more than ever. 9 months ago I had everything I wanted, a great job, a really cool fwb, and I was at my goal weight. Fast forward to now, and I've become a bigger loser than I was before.
What happened? Well to start with I decided to change careers, as I had fallen out of love with engineering. I decided to go for my masters in comp sci. I am currently taking pre-reqs, but that's actually going well, I love the classes and my gpa is almost perfect. That added stress meant I was working from 6-230 and in class from 3-9. As a consequence, my mma/lifting started to drop off. Then around march the girl I was fwb at the time basically told me she was just in this for the sex. This hurt like hell tbh, she was the only girl that I was really comfortable being myself around and we got along great. Obviously something was up that I didn't know about. Around this time I fell into heavy porn abuse and it absolutely wrecked me mentally and even financially at times. Throw in unchecked eating, hardly any working out and not enough sleep and this is who I've become.

-At my lowest I was 185lb. I am currently 228 and I hate it. All of the awesome clothing I bought from @Radical style guides barely or don't fit me anymore. I'm so self conscious I hardly go out anymore. (the clothes did look sick bro, thanks for the guide, worth the money)
-Absolutely abusing porn to an unhealthy amount. I hate myself for this one. I've been spending too much time and money wasted on this bullshit.
-Haven't been laid since may. Fwb and i stopped talking entirely.

I think yesterday was my rock bottom. I went on a date last night with a girl i met on hinge (still got that i guess) and it was awful, just the type of person I wouldn't want around me. I want my old life back, and I know nobody is going to save me. I've come back from worse and I know i can do this. I start at a new university in late January and i WILL NOT be a god damn loser when i start. Here's my plan

-Immediately hop back on to my old diet plan. That's well within my control, and i know most cravings will disappear in 3-4 weeks.
-Get my ass back to mma and lifting. Before school i was spending 15-20 hours a week combined. Unfortunately now i can only do fridays-sunday, but i should still be able to hit my goal weight by semesters start.
-I don't think it makes sense to be active on any apps right now, my confidence just isn't there. I think ill just get myself into shape, break my camera out when I'm ready and hit that hard.
-Save as much as I can. No more buying crap food and porn.
-Quit porn. This is my hardest challenge and I have no idea how to. Any advise from you guys would be greatly appreciated. I've basically been a full blown addict since I was 13. This is 100% going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done.

I will be starting a new progress log. I cant trust myself to keep myself accountable. Most importantly, I'm scared of failing, which leads to not trying.

[Ashsrt]

This just posted and I can see my old picture and my old goals. I've fallen so far. I'm so ashamed of myself.

[AskTheDom]

we all fail my friend, no one is perfect.

I can't recall how many times in my life I've fallen from the bike but patted myself down and dusted off and climbed back.

It doesn't matter who you are or who you were, it matters what are you going to do now.

Stick to the plan

[MILFandCookies]

It happens man. I'm currently a bit pudgy myself, I get how it can feel falling off the wagon.

I recently realized happiness isn't getting to the location, it's the process of working towards something you truly desire and seeing progress.

If you make the goal to work towards something rather than to just get there, you'll be more successful and happier at the same time!

Good fukkin job for being honest with yourself and getting back on the wagon. Keep it up we're here for you!

[Tragedy]

Hi bro.
I am another fallen angel.

i was having a nice life abroad and banging chicks. Then I made poor decisions, I made debt, I made career mistake, lost all muscles I had hardly gained...

I just started building everything from scratch again. This time with the past experience and it's gonna be even greater.

Be strict on your daily log and stare at your goals, not at your failures. The only real failure is holding on failure.

For me it helps imaging in the morning how I could make my life worse today in order to be ashamed when I am going to sleep, and then doing the opposite. This create some aversion to poor behaviors.

[GoodLookingNerd]

Try to see it as falling forward bro. You know that you were able to reach your goals in the past, you are definitely capable of doing it again and beyond.
You say you're scared of failing but you sound like you already believe that you have failed; in that case, the only options are to remain in a failed state (0% chance of success) or work on your goals and try to succeed (much bigger than 0% chance of success).
It also sounds like you haven't figured out getting laid fully yet, I would keep working on that until you don't have any insecurities left.
As for the porn addiction, check out easypeasymethod.org , this is the only method that has worked for me and has a very honest and easy approach (similar style to Andy's stuff).

[Radical]

@Ashsrt
this will not be the last time you taste failure on this journey
what counts is you stay on that journey
and this post is a sign that you havent quit

turn how you feel right now into rocket fuel

thanks for your kind words in there about my guide too btw, means a lot

[Ashsrt]

Hi bro.
I am another fallen angel.

i was having a nice life abroad and banging chicks. Then I made poor decisions, I made debt, I made career mistake, lost all muscles I had hardly gained...

I just started building everything from scratch again. This time with the past experience and it's gonna be even greater.

Be strict on your daily log and stare at your goals, not at your failures. The only real failure is holding on failure.

For me it helps imaging in the morning how I could make my life worse today in order to be ashamed when I am going to sleep, and then doing the opposite. This create some aversion to poor behaviors.

We can do this bro. We did it before. It’s just muscle memory. And thanks, I’m going to start doing that in the mornings.

[Ashsrt]

Try to see it as falling forward bro. You know that you were able to reach your goals in the past, you are definitely capable of doing it again and beyond.
You say you're scared of failing but you sound like you already believe that you have failed; in that case, the only options are to remain in a failed state (0% chance of success) or work on your goals and try to succeed (much bigger than 0% chance of success).
It also sounds like you haven't figured out getting laid fully yet, I would keep working on that until you don't have any insecurities left.
As for the porn addiction, check out easypeasymethod.org , this is the only method that has worked for me and has a very honest and easy approach (similar style to Andy's stuff).

I definitely haven’t mastered that, and I know I have a lot left to learn. Time for round 2. And thanks for the link brother, I got the audio book and started listening to it.

[Ashsrt]

@Ashsrt
this will not be the last time you taste failure on this journey
what counts is you stay on that journey
and this post is a sign that you havent quit

turn how you feel right now into rocket fuel

thanks for your kind words in there about my guide too btw, means a lot

Starting over sucks, but I know I haven’t hit my heights yet. Today was an amazing day, changed my oil, haloed a friend work on his car. It was also the first day in god knows how long I didn’t watch or think about porn. And A+ guide man, I’ve never felt more confident then I did when I followed your style advice.