How do you make people feel good when they're around you?

Post Reply
User avatar
Lonely_Rottweiler
Posts: 118 | Thanks: 115
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2021 2:38 am
Name: Raph
Goal: Have a stoic mindset
Age: 24
Motto: Fall forward

Mon Mar 28, 2022 3:41 pm

I don't have a lot of friends so I went out of my way to make new ones, but I always hit this wall where I feel like they're miserable with me until I just flake on them out of embarrassment. What are your ways/methods to make people feel good when they're around you?
(Whether it's just platonic friendship, casual or serious kinky sexual relationship)
Goals for 2022:

Graduate architecture
Cut 5kg off my 80kg body (Current weight: 75kg)
5 lays without paying (3/5)
Create 10 artworks on the internet (10/10)
User avatar
PinchePendejo
Posts: 191 | Thanks: 69
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2021 3:01 am
Name: Bryan
Goal: Be better
Age: 31
Motto: Be consistent

Mon Mar 28, 2022 3:45 pm

How do you know if they’re miserable around you?
User avatar
SIGMA_1234
Posts: 1019 | Thanks: 323
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2020 9:13 am
Goal: Digital Nomad Income
Age: 26
Motto: Action > Perfection

Mon Mar 28, 2022 4:02 pm

I'll chime in because I was in that exact spot. I'm still pretty much an introvert, but when I'm with a group of strangers now, I am actually one of the few people that will break the ice ironically.

What worked for me is:

-) Work on yourself to the point where you're proud of yourself. Ever since I lost at least 10 kg for the past year & start my freelance web design business (which is nowhere successful yet), I gained a certain level of trust & respect for myself, so I became more comfortable in my skin when I talk to other people. I actually had stuff I can talk about for days & help people on if ever they need it.

-) Actually be interested in them. Cliche I know, but if you're not genuinely interested in them, then it's gonna be hard to make people like you. I usually play a game with myself everytime I meet new people to learn as much interesting things about them as possible. Then it feeds into itself (I learn something interesting about them, I'm more interested making me want to learn more interesting things about them that makes me learn more interesting things about them etc...)

-) Be interested in a bunch of different things. This is a by-product of me being a nerd, but actually being interested in different things can help you link some off-hand stuff & healthily debate & talk about different things. One way I'm doing this is perhaps learn something as off-hand as to why Russia started a war with Ukraine, how successful businesses are started, why empires fall, & what people voting for my opposing political leaning are thinking about. But basically, just be interested in different things & sides.

-) Try a lot of stuff. Be an awesome human being. If you never tried a lot of stuff, you won't have much to talk about. So, there are some days where you should save money, but there are days where you should take that trip to make memories for yourself. I struggled with this because I was such a penny pincher, but I'm letting myself loose every now & then.

-) Talk to more people. Yes, even when you're not prepared & generally suck. You will slowly get a feel of what vibes with certain people & what doesn't for different groups. Also, you should do this more often & fuck up, because chances are you are scared of fucking up in the 1st place. Just today, I made what looked like as a creepy move to one of my used-to-be-client-date-now-friend's younger cousin & I didn't even do it on purpose! It sucked, because I may have lost a source of awesome referrals for web design work (she has a stacked network btw). I felt really bad today, but it's part of the game. I learned some basic af etiquette next time I meet someone like her & her younger cousin. Same goes for sales. You'll never know what behavior is right or not unless you put yourself out there.

-) Remove some filters for your brain & mouth. If you're an introvert, you may benefit from this. One of my problems was that I speak much less than others because I thought some topics aren't worth talking about. However, there are a lot of people who just talk non-sense anyway, so might as well join the conversation. Unfilter your brain & mouth & let the words & ideas flow, because someone might vibe with the real you & your ideas lurking inside your head.

One thing that may also help you aside from all that I mentioned is maybe move to a new area & find a new group to vibe with. If you try to change yourself in an old environment, it's tough. In my spot, I was always known as the church & Bible boy, squeaky clean golden child vibe. But I'm trying to move from that image to a jacked dude who's an entrepreneur & also gets laid... but 1st impressions last & sometimes you just need a breath of fresh air in your surroundings.

My 2 cents.
Aspiring Digital Nomad

Follow my lifestyle journey log

Fitness:
-) Cut to 56 kg, then bulk after

Sex Enhancement:
-) Bathmate & Kegels

Learning goals:
-) 10 books
-) more note-taking & reviewing of past materials

^^Lifestyle habit tracker can be monitored here.

Learning Chinese Mandarin:
-) Mandarin 365 Project, monitor here.

Follow my business journey log

$ Goals:
-) US$3k/ mo nomad income
-) US$10k/ mo nomad income
User avatar
Lonely_Rottweiler
Posts: 118 | Thanks: 115
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2021 2:38 am
Name: Raph
Goal: Have a stoic mindset
Age: 24
Motto: Fall forward

Tue Mar 29, 2022 11:03 am

PinchePendejo wrote:
Mon Mar 28, 2022 3:45 pm
How do you know if they’re miserable around you?
I don't really know but I feel like they'd rather be someplace else. Sometimes I find myself carrying on the conversation only for them to say one or three words. or just staring at their phone when I'm talking to them. I don't demand their full attention but I would like to connect to them on some level
Goals for 2022:

Graduate architecture
Cut 5kg off my 80kg body (Current weight: 75kg)
5 lays without paying (3/5)
Create 10 artworks on the internet (10/10)
User avatar
Lonely_Rottweiler
Posts: 118 | Thanks: 115
Joined: Tue Dec 21, 2021 2:38 am
Name: Raph
Goal: Have a stoic mindset
Age: 24
Motto: Fall forward

Tue Mar 29, 2022 12:00 pm

@SIGMA_1234

Thank you Sigma. I'm currently what people say " living under a rock". What do you suggest I could try to be more interesting?
Goals for 2022:

Graduate architecture
Cut 5kg off my 80kg body (Current weight: 75kg)
5 lays without paying (3/5)
Create 10 artworks on the internet (10/10)
User avatar
notAndy
Posts: 110 | Thanks: 67
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2022 8:03 pm
Name: Mo
Goal: Finish AA Program
Age: 31

Wed Mar 30, 2022 5:58 pm

Lonely_Rottweiler wrote:
Tue Mar 29, 2022 11:03 am
I don't demand their full attention but I would like to connect to them on some level
It is not entierly your call to make. Other people are allowed to not want to connect with you and you have to accept that.
Keep going out and meeting new people. Some of them will want to connect more with you. Just make sure, that you don't have unrealistic expectations about how quickly that happens.
While you can definitely be intentional about making friends (see @KillYourInnerLoser 's guide to finding friends via Bumble), building a relationship of any kind is not something you do in a day.
Some patience is key (and taking the initiative doesn't hurt, either).
Lonely_Rottweiler wrote:
Tue Mar 29, 2022 12:00 pm
What do you suggest I could try to be more interesting?
@SIGMA_1234 already gave you some pretty good advice, but here's two general rules that have helped me:
1. Do new things (and leave your fucking house)
2. As SIGMA said, drop some of the filters you have. Share your opinions freely, make jokes whether you think others find them funny or not, say that stupid thing you just thought of, be vulnerable (use some common sense when this is appropriate) and so on. If you want to connect with others, others must experience you, not some plain, inoffensive, vapid hull of a human being. It is better to be a bit polarizing than to never make a strong impression.

You didn't give us much info so I don't know if that last point applies to you, but maybe give it a try.

Good luck man
User avatar
Gabi
Posts: 55 | Thanks: 35
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2020 11:55 pm
Name: Gabi
Goal: learn investment
Age: 24
Motto: Dn't need to be good all the time,just when needed
Location: France

Wed Mar 30, 2022 10:13 pm

Hey,
Just like you, i was in a situation were i couldn't have a conversation, even small talk to someone was weird and you could feel that people didn't really wanted to talk to me. Yet i figured it out and fixed it, now it's easy for me to have conversation and get friends. There is basically 3 point that you need to focus on. So here is what i learned and how to make friends

if you want to make friends, don't force it, because you will instinctively become needy and wierd (because you want something from the personne you are talking to, so you are putting them into a pedestal). You just need to do activities for yourself, like boxing, climbing, walking, going to museum ... Stuff that you would do even if you don't meet anyone during the acitivity and you will not just go home if you see that there is no one in the room (actually if you go climbing and there is no one around you, just go home lol). And then, whenever you can, go small talk to people. This will make you meet a lot of people, and whenever you got a good talk with someone, ask to go grab a drink/see them again or propose an other activity.

For the talking, to be good at conversation, you absolutly don't need to be interresting. All you need to do is being interrested and be creative! So your job is basically start the conversation with some contextual fact (like what is going on around you, even the weather), ask question and listen. And if you are really interested in other people, they will talk to you and will be happy about that because they can now have an experience where they can spit out all that stuff they want to talk about.
Obviously, you need some material to keep the conversation flowing, to change the subject and to free the other person from all the attention (at some point beeing the talker, even if it's all about you, can be tiering so they will eventually start asking question about you). But you can replace the knowledge by creativity, because you can juste change the topic based on what was just said, or ask a questions/talk about stuff that have just poped in your mind.

Then there is the appearance, this is not a news : being attractive make people want to talk to you and like you. So you need to smell Ok/Good, be clean (no stain or non-fishion ripped clothes), well groomed, fit, good posture, not fidgeting, etc. Because the less attractive you are, the more they will reject and apprehend your attention, especially girls. On top of that, body language and emotional intelligence can really damaged an interraction if you don't have any controle on theses.


To summerize, the 3 key point :
- "meet people by doing activities" and not "do activities for meeting people", let your interactions be organic and don't be needy
- Become a good listener
- Be as much attractive and charming as you can


Here is some material :
- Letting go : the pathway of surrender
- The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
- How to win friends and influence people
- The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation
- How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
- Youtube video : Jordan Peterson - How to Really LISTEN to Someone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J24TGZDk960


PS : I back up all @SIGMA_1234 said, and it seems that you don't focus on the right thing. Don't try to be interresting, try being interrested


Gabriel
First finish my studies. [Done]
Then my own place. [Done]
Finally my best sexlife ! [Ongoing !!!]
User avatar
Squilliam
Posts: 1207 | Thanks: 230
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2021 12:57 am
Goal: Be happy
Age: 22
Motto: Hard choices, easy life. Easy choices, hard life

Wed Mar 30, 2022 10:21 pm

Your post is basically "How do I get people to like me?" and this is a horrible way to think of it.

Nobody likes people who are desperate to be liked. They will smell it from a mile away.

The more you actively try to seek approval and validation, the more you will be disliked.

This will sound cliche, but be yourself. Be weird, don't be normal. It's this that gives you individuality.

Sigma brings up a great point. Lower the standard of what comes out of your mouth. Just talk.
"Weak men wait for opportunities; strong men make them" - Orison Swett Marden

My Piano 365 Project
https://dolphin.poker
Lay count: 8

Goals for 2023:
- Consistent sex
- Two plates at once
- Start approaching
- Complete Piano 365 Project
- Become a winning online poker player
- Eliminate the vast majority of my vices
- Build new healthy habits to foster good well-being
User avatar
SIGMA_1234
Posts: 1019 | Thanks: 323
Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2020 9:13 am
Goal: Digital Nomad Income
Age: 26
Motto: Action > Perfection

Thu Mar 31, 2022 3:35 am

Lonely_Rottweiler wrote:
Tue Mar 29, 2022 12:00 pm
Thank you Sigma. I'm currently what people say " living under a rock". What do you suggest I could try to be more interesting?
Bro, I'm saying this out of love, but if you're asking me that question, you literally either: want to mentally masterbate more, then as a result procrastinate taking action. I literally listed down what I did to make it easier to break the ice with strangers.

If I were to add what I said, it's if you want to talk to more people & make more friends, I would grouping the tasks by importance:

-) meet & talk to more people ASAP. You can be creative here: coffee shops, tourist spots (I know the city you live in, lots of beautiful places there), & Meetups just to talk to people. Even go for a short trip to the beach area that's La Union, literally hours away from your place. Also, you're literally a student; the best place to make friends is college. I kick myself to this day for not making more friends in college. Put in the numbers, just like with girls.
-) Become more interesting. Do the hard work: learn more & develop your hobby (you told me you like to draw), & try different stuff. I literally said this on top.
-) The least immediate but longest lasting ROI: working on yourself. Work out, lose fat, & learn about interesting stuff like business, history, politics, etc. There is no direct ROI in the short term, but this carries me over long-term. This is also your way of providing value in the future. I can relate to a lot of subjects by being madly curious, but this is useless if you don't have a circle to showcase this at.

I think everyone else here gave solid advice already. You should just implement what we said & come back to report ONLY when you've met new people & tell us about your victories or fuck ups, then we help you there. Again, saying this from a place of love & concern.
Aspiring Digital Nomad

Follow my lifestyle journey log

Fitness:
-) Cut to 56 kg, then bulk after

Sex Enhancement:
-) Bathmate & Kegels

Learning goals:
-) 10 books
-) more note-taking & reviewing of past materials

^^Lifestyle habit tracker can be monitored here.

Learning Chinese Mandarin:
-) Mandarin 365 Project, monitor here.

Follow my business journey log

$ Goals:
-) US$3k/ mo nomad income
-) US$10k/ mo nomad income
User avatar
spencers94
Posts: 54 | Thanks: 21
Joined: Sun Dec 12, 2021 1:09 am
Name: Spencer
Goal: Build awesome sex life
Age: 28
Motto: Life won't wait, act now.
Location: Bay Area, CA

Wed Jul 27, 2022 2:38 am

notAndy wrote:
Wed Mar 30, 2022 5:58 pm
Lonely_Rottweiler wrote:
Tue Mar 29, 2022 11:03 am
I don't demand their full attention but I would like to connect to them on some level
It is not entierly your call to make. Other people are allowed to not want to connect with you and you have to accept that.
Keep going out and meeting new people. Some of them will want to connect more with you. Just make sure, that you don't have unrealistic expectations about how quickly that happens.
While you can definitely be intentional about making friends (see @KillYourInnerLoser 's guide to finding friends via Bumble), building a relationship of any kind is not something you do in a day.
Some patience is key (and taking the initiative doesn't hurt, either).
Lonely_Rottweiler wrote:
Tue Mar 29, 2022 12:00 pm
What do you suggest I could try to be more interesting?
@SIGMA_1234 already gave you some pretty good advice, but here's two general rules that have helped me:
1. Do new things (and leave your fucking house)
2. As SIGMA said, drop some of the filters you have. Share your opinions freely, make jokes whether you think others find them funny or not, say that stupid thing you just thought of, be vulnerable (use some common sense when this is appropriate) and so on. If you want to connect with others, others must experience you, not some plain, inoffensive, vapid hull of a human being. It is better to be a bit polarizing than to never make a strong impression.

You didn't give us much info so I don't know if that last point applies to you, but maybe give it a try.

Good luck man
The part about dropping some filters really resonates with me. I find that it can be very beneficial in a lot of situations. And of course, in certain situations, it's best to tone it down a bit. To be totally open, I use to not have much of a filter as a kid and got into "trouble" sometimes. Some people liked me for it and others didn't. But unfortunately, I became really quiet and developed a very strong filter and started overthinking everything I wanted to say. Like, "is this the right way to say this?" or "Will this be viewed as weird?". I'm working on losing that filter, but I refining it a bit so I can maintain an appropriate filter when necessary.
GOALS:
Get gym membership and personal trainer -
Improve photos for online dating - in progress
Become more assertive -
Get my own place -
Cold approach more girls - in progress
Have sex with a girl from cold approach (whether from day/night game) -
Hook up with same girl more than once - DONE (same girl 6 times as of 7/27/22)
User avatar
jeff550
Posts: 124 | Thanks: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2022 1:50 am
Name: Andrew
Goal: Learn to Flirt
Age: 25
Location: DC

Wed Jul 27, 2022 4:08 am

The biggest thing you can do to have a positive impact on the people around you is be positive whenever you are around them, especially if they are casual friends. No one wants to be around someone they don't really know who is brining down the mood.

Also be as confident as you possibly can in how you present who you are. Be weird and be confident about being weird if thats who you are. Every interaction you have have/fake as much confidence in yourself as you possibly can. Don't apologize for every little thing, don't tiptoe around things. Be who you are at that moment with as much confidence as you can. If you present a reasonably confident version of yourself and are still struggling then maybe you need to do more, but start with this.

Also don't be afraid to be the one initiating things, pretty much everyone wants more cool people to hang out with, but they don't want to be the ones to lead. Be the one that plans things and invites people to do them with you, and if no one shows up go do the thing you want to do anyway. Be the connector, even if it feels like you are the only one putting in the work in the beginning. Most people don't want to actually do the work, especially with someone they just met. Finds things you want to do, and invite people to do them with you.

Once you know that you can build surface level friendships in just about any situation, then you can start filtering for better connections, but don't start filtering until you can do that.
Post Reply