Crimson‘s Journey to Self-Love

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Bman
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Name: Brandon
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 1:49 am

@Crimson, have you considered online therapy? I used Betterhelp a couple years ago and it worked well. It was nice because I could switch therapists pretty easily to find one I vibed well with. There are probably other companies and psychiatrists who work directly in Germany that may be available to you online.
Public Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1397
Year 1: viewtopic.php?p=49033#p49033
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"Absorb what is useful. Reject what is useless. Add what is essentially your own." - Bruce Lee
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Hawkins
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Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Thu Jan 05, 2023 2:53 am

Hey man, You're taking action which is the biggest part. It's inspiring. Keep it up!
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SpongeBob
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 9:09 am

Congrats on calling the psychotherapists.

Stay strong man, you got this
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MakingAComeback
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 11:19 am

The healing journey, brother, is a journey and the medicine is a certain dose per day. We can't exceed the recommended dose, but what we can do is show up again the next day, and take the dose once more ;-)

You are heard.

You are appreciated.

We understand.

We are with you.

You will be OK.

MAC
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ironwilltribe
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Crimson
Posts: 698 | Thanks: 702
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2021 3:12 pm
Name: Brandon
Goal: Move out
Age: 21
Motto: TAKE ACTION
Location: Germany

Thu Jan 05, 2023 6:55 pm

Thank you all for your responses, I cried yesterday when I read them.

I will reply later.
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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Crimson
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Name: Brandon
Goal: Move out
Age: 21
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Location: Germany

Thu Jan 05, 2023 7:25 pm

EMERGENCY: I just ran away from home





I can’t believe this happened but it did. I haven’t told my parents about my mental health but they could tell I was acting funny.

Staying in my room all day and when I come out I try to return to my room as quickly as possible.







Anyways, today I wanted to go to the hospital to get a list of therapists to call. So I’m in my house, putting on my jacket and my dad asks me what’s going on with me. I laugh it off and tell him everything is fine.

So I go out and go to the hospital. But I pussy out from entering and go back home. I’m eating a meal at home and decide to do so on the balcony because I don’t want to be near my family.

My dad asks me: “Did you just eat on the balcony?” I say yes and he tells my mom that I ate on the balcony (This is not a legitimate problem for them they just thought it was weird).

He tells my mother this and she looks at me funny while I go back into my room. I put my jacket back on because I really want to get this hospital thing done, so I tell them I’m going back out.






Here’s where everything turns left. Obviously it’s weird that I’m going out two times in a row just like that. So my dad says:





Dad: “No, I want to know what’s up with you, sit down.”

Me: *laughs nervously* “Why, I just want to chill outside”

Dad: “No, sit down”

Me: “No”





I leave the house and shut the door. I put on my shoes quickly, because I suspect he might chase after me. And he did. I hear him screaming: “He’s really leaving?!” from inside the house.

Then he opens the door. “Come back here now!” he screams. I storm out he almost grabbed me by my jacket but I was faster. I’m running and I’m hearing my mom scream after me. That was painful to just keep running.






It was honestly a long time coming. Me and my fathers relationship was never the best and he’s kind of a loose canon.

He’s cool when he’s chilling, but when he gets angry he gets really angry.







So the question is, what do I do from here? I obviously have to go back at some point. My moms blowing up my phone, it hurts to do that to her. But I’m scared of going back.

Call the police? Don’t really want to do that. I don’t know what awaits me when I return. I can’t afford to move out either.





I’m planning on spending the night in a nearby park (Ironically the park where I bring girls for first dates). This honestly hurts man, I’m scared of him.


Advice is appreciated!


TAKE ACTION

Crimson
Last edited by Crimson on Thu Jan 05, 2023 8:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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MakingAComeback
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 7:39 pm

OK. Stey by step.

Step 1:

Are you safe?

Are you in danger?

Does your father have a history of violence towards you, and would you returning home potentially result in harm to your person and threadt to your safety and wellbeing?

Establish the risk level to your safety as a priority. If you will be safe, and your family has no history of endangering your person, it may be most practical to head home, and rest off.

Reason being: you yourself have outlined you are going through a mental health crisis, and as such, are not in your most rational faculties and state of mind.

MAC
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ironwilltribe
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Manly Cockfellow
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Motto: Mk no smll plans; thy hv no pwr to stir mens blood

Thu Jan 05, 2023 8:24 pm

Hey @Crimson, hang in there man.

You're gonna be alright.


@MakingAComeback gave you some good advice, and I think you should go back home as soon as you can, but if you're not ready yet you can call:

0800-111 0 222

which is a German helpline with volunteers trained to help in a time like this.


And just in case that # doesn't work here's the Berlin crisis service website, which also has a 24/7 hotline to help people that are feeling like you are right now:

https://www.berliner-krisendienst.de/en/



And just so you don't feel alone, I had a period in my life where my mental health got so bad I spent a few weeks in the hospital.

Being in there helped.

Nothing to be ashamed of or terrified about if that's what you need, because in my experience the place was full of trained, caring, nonjudgmental people who only want to help you get better.

I got better and you can to.
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Crimson
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Name: Brandon
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 9:56 pm

I just went back home. My dad went off to work, so I’m safe for now.





@MakingAComeback Unfortunately he does have a history of violence towards me (pretty common in black families).

He’ll come back tomorrow morning, maybe he’ll have calmed down by then. If he hits me I’m gonna defend myself.

He might just sit me down and probably demand to know what’s going on or something (which I won’t tell).

Thank you for your advice!




@Manly Cockfellow Thank you for providing me with the hotlines and your vulnerability!
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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Crimson
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 10:17 pm

So like I said I just arrived.





My mom asked me why I would just run off. I had nothing to say to that. She asked me if I was ok or if I’m going through problems.

I said I was ok. I don’t want to talk to my parents about mental health anymore. Maybe later, but not right now. Only professionals.

She said that I never talk and that my dad is worried about my behaviour. I had nothing to say.

She also said that I still live with them and that I therefore have to follow the rules of the house. If my father tells me to sit down I should have just sit down.





I have to agree, it is their house after all. What do y’all think? Was I in the right or wrong for running off like that?







Note: The reason I don’t want to talk to them anymore is because I’ve already said I was suicidal like a year ago.

I told my mom this when she joined my session with my school psychologist. When we arrived back home, she said something like: “You’re alright. I also struggle to wake up, yet I still go off to work everyday.”

My dad responded with passive-aggressiveness. He told me to come and cut potatoes (which granted, I did begrudgingly) and he then screamed at me for not doing it right.

While he said this he was on the phone. He told that person: “Now that I know what’s going on with him, I have to keep him busy.”




I’m sure my parents love me and want me to do well, but I’m not willing to open up to them again, at least not now.
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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Manly Cockfellow
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Fri Jan 06, 2023 3:46 am

This is a really tough situation man, I'm not gonna act like it's not...

But you're also a lot tougher than you realize.

You have a god damn lion inside you and we've already seen glimpses of it like in that post where you had me grinning like a proud idiot the whole time I was reading it with the way you told that girl what to say and do and how eagerly she responded to your dominance.

Seems like you're a pretty damn good basketball player too.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but this world is yours for the taking man.

Whatever you want, you can have it.

Sending you love, patience, faith, and determination.

You're going to be alright.

You're so much tougher than you realize.

Hang in there man, we need you.
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Adrizzle
Posts: 492 | Thanks: 176
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Age: 32

Fri Jan 06, 2023 10:48 am

Hey man you’ll be right.

I just wanna let you know that your parents are faulty human beings that are trying to do their best. They don’t know everything and they can only do what they know. I’d be very surprised if your dad ever had a forum like this when he was growing up.

You mentioned faith before, have you read the story of the prodigal son?
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?s ... ersion=NIV

Godspeed brah
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Crimson
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Fri Jan 06, 2023 12:27 pm

Manly Cockfellow wrote:
Fri Jan 06, 2023 3:46 am
This is a really tough situation man, I'm not gonna act like it's not...

But you're also a lot tougher than you realize.

You have a god damn lion inside you and we've already seen glimpses of it like in that post where you had me grinning like a proud idiot the whole time I was reading it with the way you told that girl what to say and do and how eagerly she responded to your dominance.

Seems like you're a pretty damn good basketball player too.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but this world is yours for the taking man.

Whatever you want, you can have it.

Sending you love, patience, faith, and determination.

You're going to be alright.

You're so much tougher than you realize.

Hang in there man, we need you.
Thank you very much, I’ll get through this.
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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Crimson
Posts: 698 | Thanks: 702
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2021 3:12 pm
Name: Brandon
Goal: Move out
Age: 21
Motto: TAKE ACTION
Location: Germany

Fri Jan 06, 2023 12:30 pm

Adrizzle wrote:
Fri Jan 06, 2023 10:48 am
Hey man you’ll be right.

I just wanna let you know that your parents are faulty human beings that are trying to do their best. They don’t know everything and they can only do what they know. I’d be very surprised if your dad ever had a forum like this when he was growing up.

You mentioned faith before, have you read the story of the prodigal son?
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?s ... ersion=NIV

Godspeed brah
I understand. I’m sure they want the best for me, thanks.

Thanks for the story as well. It sounds powerful, but I don’t quite get the moral of the story. I’m understanding that I should apologize to my father?
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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Crimson
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Location: Germany

Fri Jan 06, 2023 2:09 pm

KillYourInnerLoser wrote:
Fri Jan 06, 2023 1:02 pm
Sending you love, my friend. We're here for you. Take some baby steps to start figuring out solutions to living situation (sounds like you're already doing that).
Anything else you need, ask.
Thank you very much, yes I wrote my resumee, I‘ll get a job and start saving money. I’ll ask questions if I need to.
My Progress Log: viewtopic.php?f=42&t=1564

My Mental Health Log: viewtopic.php?f=18&t=1416
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