Tying Mental Well-being to Looks

[uniloser20]

I remember when I was in high school, I didn't care that much about my looks. Other things were important to me, such as friends, class, having fun, picking a college, etc. However, now that I'm in college, I literally obsess over my appearance.
If I open my front camera and notice the skin on my face is dry or irritated, or my hair is slightly greasy, I can't stop thinking about it. It gives me an overwhelming sense of dread. When I say it ruins my day, that's an understatement.
When I'm talking to girls, I can't even focus on the conversation because I'm just thinking about what she might think about the way I look.
Whenever I'm out doing something that's supposed to be fun, I can't help but worry about how the pictures will turn out. What if my teeth don't look white under a certain lighting? What if my facial expression is a little awkward?
I don't know how to go back to not giving a shit. I know plenty of guys that are (in their own words) not as handsome as me that do far better in dating and don't seem to be bothered by their appearance. How can I be like them? Do I need to see a therapist?
If anyone has ever faced this problem (Which I assume some of you may have), let me know how you got over it. If I keep thinking this way throughout my 20's I'm just going to sabotage myself and miss out on opportunities.

[Squilliam]

Don't have much good advice. Just want to say that I can relate. The feeling of bashing yourself for every little imperfection.

With more experience though, I have come to realize that girls aren't as concerned about little things as you might think. This isn't to say these things don't matter, but I realize that girls ultimately don't expect you to be perfect. Just remember that all the girls you're going out with, even the hot ones, have flaws too. I would say that generally speaking, girls are even more insecure about how they look during sex than guys are.

[Paid Renegade]

I can actually relate to this, and my main piece of advice is that it’ll naturally get better and you won’t care as much by the time you hit your late 20’s (that’s what happened for me)

I can remember when I was college aged thinking about my facial flaws on a daily basis and wondering if it was going to prevent me from being as successful with women as I wanted. Little asymmetries, acne, my hairline, the shape of my face, etc.

Basically I needed constant validation to make me feel good about myself that day. Like if a girl was mean to me it would make me question everything

Now at 27 I still care about how I look and take little steps to improve over time, but I’m not stressing about it the same way. This just kind of happened naturally as I built up results with women and became more comfortable in my own skin. From what I’ve seen that’s a common feature with guys getting older, they become more comfortable in their own skin generally and learn to value themselves based on more than just looks

[MILFandCookies]

I remember when I was in high school, I didn't care that much about my looks. Other things were important to me, such as friends, class, having fun, picking a college, etc. However, now that I'm in college, I literally obsess over my appearance.
If I open my front camera and notice the skin on my face is dry or irritated, or my hair is slightly greasy, I can't stop thinking about it. It gives me an overwhelming sense of dread. When I say it ruins my day, that's an understatement.
When I'm talking to girls, I can't even focus on the conversation because I'm just thinking about what she might think about the way I look.
Whenever I'm out doing something that's supposed to be fun, I can't help but worry about how the pictures will turn out. What if my teeth don't look white under a certain lighting? What if my facial expression is a little awkward?
I don't know how to go back to not giving a shit. I know plenty of guys that are (in their own words) not as handsome as me that do far better in dating and don't seem to be bothered by their appearance. How can I be like them? Do I need to see a therapist?
If anyone has ever faced this problem (Which I assume some of you may have), let me know how you got over it. If I keep thinking this way throughout my 20's I'm just going to sabotage myself and miss out on opportunities.

100%. I felt this way a lot in the past few years.

The fitter I got, the more I cared about my looks. Caring to some extent helps us maintain our momentum and gains.

But after a point it hurts us. At some point the work switches from physical results to mental wellbeing.

If you consciously prioritize happiness over looks, then you'll do the things necessary to stay happy.

Keep looks as a high, but secondary, priority so it doesn't slip too much. But mentally make happiness a priority and the right actions will follow. If you want some actionable ways to do this let me know and I'll write something up.

[kratjeuh]

100%. I felt this way a lot in the past few years.

The fitter I got, the more I cared about my looks. Caring to some extent helps us maintain our momentum and gains.

But after a point it hurts us. At some point the work switches from physical results to mental wellbeing.

If you consciously prioritize happiness over looks, then you'll do the things necessary to stay happy.

Keep looks as a high, but secondary, priority so it doesn't slip too much. But mentally make happiness a priority and the right actions will follow. If you want some actionable ways to do this let me know and I'll write something up.

Amazing response, agree on everything.

Being looks focused is good. I saw your transformation with the skincare, this would not have happened if you weren't so passionate about your looks. You won't accept this yet but you are truly very good looking.

This is something very common in top sports. Players know all their flaws by detail whereas the audience doesn't. What makes the absolute top stand out is that they can leave their insecurities on the practice court (in your case at home) and play their game game in front of a crowd full of confidence.

It works both ways, we see in tennis how some players suddenly lose confidence (mainly due to injury) and then start losing against players they were killing before.
Great current example is Dominic Thiem. Won a grand slam in 2020, was in the top 10 for a couple consecutive years. Now he's 1-7 in 2023 ranked 106 in the world --> He didnt lose his ability but he's not confident

--> You need competence (you have the looks) and the confidence (work on this) to be a killer.

[uniloser20]

I remember when I was in high school, I didn't care that much about my looks. Other things were important to me, such as friends, class, having fun, picking a college, etc. However, now that I'm in college, I literally obsess over my appearance.
If I open my front camera and notice the skin on my face is dry or irritated, or my hair is slightly greasy, I can't stop thinking about it. It gives me an overwhelming sense of dread. When I say it ruins my day, that's an understatement.
When I'm talking to girls, I can't even focus on the conversation because I'm just thinking about what she might think about the way I look.
Whenever I'm out doing something that's supposed to be fun, I can't help but worry about how the pictures will turn out. What if my teeth don't look white under a certain lighting? What if my facial expression is a little awkward?
I don't know how to go back to not giving a shit. I know plenty of guys that are (in their own words) not as handsome as me that do far better in dating and don't seem to be bothered by their appearance. How can I be like them? Do I need to see a therapist?
If anyone has ever faced this problem (Which I assume some of you may have), let me know how you got over it. If I keep thinking this way throughout my 20's I'm just going to sabotage myself and miss out on opportunities.

100%. I felt this way a lot in the past few years.

The fitter I got, the more I cared about my looks. Caring to some extent helps us maintain our momentum and gains.

But after a point it hurts us. At some point the work switches from physical results to mental wellbeing.

If you consciously prioritize happiness over looks, then you'll do the things necessary to stay happy.

Keep looks as a high, but secondary, priority so it doesn't slip too much. But mentally make happiness a priority and the right actions will follow. If you want some actionable ways to do this let me know and I'll write something up.

I'd love to know some of the actionable steps I can take, if you wouldn't mind sharing.

[ziva]

I've noticed for a couple of years now that there are things I "stress" over for like 6 months to year, only to realize I haven't thought about it for a long time.
What I want to say is, stressing over uncontrollable or irrelevant things is normal. You will do this less as time goes on. Tips that help me whenever I look in the mirror too much are: look once before leaving the house and make sure everything is OK (hair is OK, no dirt in eyes or nose, nothing stuck in teeth). Then don't check again, even if you feel unsure (unless you feel shit in between your teeth for example). If you're stressing about your appearance during a conversation with a girl, this is OK. Remind yourself that you've checked everything beforehand, and she is NOT neurotically checking if your hair has the socially acceptable percentage of grease. Other's don't notice small details (they are small details) nearly as much as you do. They just don't. Accept the dreadful feeling, but also know it stems from a non-problem. Stay in reality bro. Remember this fact: You look fine, and feelings often lie for no reason.

[MILFandCookies]

100%. I felt this way a lot in the past few years.

The fitter I got, the more I cared about my looks. Caring to some extent helps us maintain our momentum and gains.

But after a point it hurts us. At some point the work switches from physical results to mental wellbeing.

If you consciously prioritize happiness over looks, then you'll do the things necessary to stay happy.

Keep looks as a high, but secondary, priority so it doesn't slip too much. But mentally make happiness a priority and the right actions will follow. If you want some actionable ways to do this let me know and I'll write something up.

I'd love to know some of the actionable steps I can take, if you wouldn't mind sharing.

For sure. Here's a few off the top of my head.

Heart meditation in the morning (5 minutes is all you need for benefit as long as you're consistent.) It's super cheesy but it works. There's one called "Loving kindness" meditation, which I do a variation of.

Also writing down a list of 50 reasons why you're worthy of happiness, and look at it when you're hard on yourself.

Ask friends for 5 reasons you're worthy of happiness, and put it all in a list to look at when you're hard on yourself.

[Sisyphus]

I think the best mindset is to think that you're neither ugly nor handsome. You're average. You're not special.

And if you put in the work you can become above average. And that's all that matters.

It's also good to remember that girls are primarily attracted to behavior, not looks. Unless you're DiCaprio, like top 0,01%, looks aren't a significant advantage.

And for social life it's the same. Looks arent THAT important.

Maybe for online it matters more, but you can use take really good pictures and use face app.

But the problem is not your looks, it's your self esteem.

[Squilliam]

It's also good to remember that girls are primarily attracted to behavior, not looks. Unless you're DiCaprio, like top 0,01%, looks aren't a significant advantage.

Honestly I don't believe this. A guy in even the top 5 or 10% would have a significant advantage over an average or slightly below average looking guy. Same with even top 20% or 30%, obviously to a lesser extent. I still am of the belief that game, while important, is secondary, and that the better your looks are, the less your game or smoothness matters.

[jakeD]

I don't know it's a long process to beat. I did it to a large degree though.

I used to be incredibly insecure about my looks, wish my old posts about it were still on here but i deleted them.

I didn't even think i could fuck a single girl again for years.

I was incredibly insecure about my dick size, ED, hair being on my dick, having one testicle (removed due to cancer), being circumcised, my height, my looks, my childish appearance, etc.

Plus my car and crib are gross. And i'm broke. And i dress like shit.

I still am I would imagine during cold approach with the hottest girls but really and genuinely I give the least of a shit about it that i ever have.

Today i was literally in pajama pants and a dirty t shirt getting food and easily was loud and confident and made powerful eye contact even with the really hot chicks working there. Know that is just a small example but still. The longer time goes on the less of a fuck i give.

I get laid a ton now. It literally didn't matter one bit.

Not saying looks aren't hugely important but there is def a flip side to all of this that is not giving one single fuck and it is tremendously helpful in my experience.

[jakeD]

This will be a bit complex but you have to learn with girls to just be in the moment with them. And you can't do that if you're thinking about how ugly you are or how little your dick is. You have to lose yourself with them instead of be all up in your head about all your insecurities.

[hush]

I think the best mindset is to think that you're neither ugly nor handsome. You're average. You're not special.

And if you put in the work you can become above average. And that's all that matters.

Why? @uniloser20 is freaking good looking, why would he want to think of himself as average and not special? How would that improve his wellbeing?

@uniloser20 change your username mate, what do you think you'll become if you think about yourself as a loser?

[uniloser20]

I think the best mindset is to think that you're neither ugly nor handsome. You're average. You're not special.

And if you put in the work you can become above average. And that's all that matters.

Why? @uniloser20 is freaking good looking, why would he want to think of himself as average and not special? How would that improve his wellbeing?

@uniloser20 change your username mate, what do you think you'll become if you think about yourself as a loser?

My initial rationale behind my username is that I'm a virgin, I have extremely low self-worth, I currently don't have many skills or experience to leverage in the job market, and I'm not making very much money. That's a good point you made though, I'll change it.

[hush]

You're 20, you're not supposed to have any skills or experience to leverage in the job market nor to make money. You'll be fine.

You have an elite body already. Live a little