Handling arguments / fighting without fear

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lacroix
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Thu Sep 03, 2020 4:35 am

Any tips on handling situations where you hurt the others' feelings or are afraid the other is upset with you?

I've gotten out of two extremely unhealthy relationships. I don't think I've ever been in a healthy one. In both of them whenever I felt the other person was unhappy with me or upset with me I just couldn't take it AT ALL. My heart would sink. I would jump straight in and try and fix it and just couldn't think about anything else until the situation was resolved. With my recent ex we would sometimes stay up until 6:30am (not exaggerating) trying to "resolve" some sort of argument (normally we went to sleep around midnight). This happened actually a lot of times and I always felt like shit the next day.

I bring this up because right now I have a girl that I regularly see 2-3 times a week. We do a bunch of couply stuff, but she knows I see other girls too. (She doesn't really like it, but I've told her, and she accepts it. Story for another time I guess). Anyway something happened and I realized I hurt her feelings over text and I realized I had no idea how to handle it. The same old really panicked and fearful sensation rose up again. Ultimately I tried honesty. I called her, tried to tell her everything in my head, and also said I was sorry. In the end she seems ok and we still agreed to meet up later this week but I'm still really anxious. I don't know what she's thinking or what's going to happen.

Something similar happened yesterday when we were hanging out in person. I did something I thought she didn't like and immediately got fearful she was upset with me. I resolved it by telling her I was very anxious she was upset at me, and it's not her fault, I just have a dumb brain. She said she wasn't upset and then it was ok. But sometimes people are actually going to be upset. Then I don't know what to do.

I think this is probably some sort of weird / maladaptive attachment strategy, maybe stemming from childhood. Made worse by my generalized anxiety disorder. It's a really unhealthy dynamic but I really have no idea what to call it, or how to replace it, or what to do about it.
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Sin Silver
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Thu Sep 03, 2020 12:02 pm

You have got to read 'No more Mr.Nice guy' by Robert A. Glover. As your symptoms sound just like the 'nice guy' that he tackles.

From all of your examples, it sounds like your fear of loosing women or facing some kind of rejection is whats causing this behavior. Your trying to make sure shes happy, never angry with you, never upset, because that could result in her leaving. So, you attempt to be a perfect boyfriend, never argues, never complains, always perfect, but that's a terrible way to be in a relation, it completely overlooks your needs, which can make you ill or resentful. I can also end up smothering her, making her feel guilty and upset.

You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Don't aim to be a perfect boyfriend or a nice guy, be a better man.

All this is covered in No more Mr.Nice guy, it's the most important self improvement book I have read, I can't emphasis enough that you go read it.
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lacroix
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Sat Sep 05, 2020 7:11 pm

KillYourInnerLoser wrote:
Fri Sep 04, 2020 3:17 am
Podcast is up (I'll add a description and links and stuff in a bit, just wanted to get it to you ASAP:)
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1279346/5289757
Wow, thanks for taking the time to do this. I've already listened to the first half. There's a lot to digest in here. I do think it makes sense to go out there and try and figure out what a healthy relationship actually looks like. Also, I think I lot can be said about the observation that relationships stop being exciting on their own, and progress to the point where the excitement comes from each person driving towards their own goals. That's definitely something I was missing in the past.
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BlazinX
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Mon Jan 31, 2022 8:00 am

lacroix wrote:
Thu Sep 03, 2020 4:35 am
Any tips on handling situations where you hurt the others' feelings or are afraid the other is upset with you?

I've gotten out of two extremely unhealthy relationships. I don't think I've ever been in a healthy one. In both of them whenever I felt the other person was unhappy with me or upset with me I just couldn't take it AT ALL. My heart would sink. I would jump straight in and try and fix it and just couldn't think about anything else until the situation was resolved. With my recent ex we would sometimes stay up until 6:30am (not exaggerating) trying to "resolve" some sort of argument (normally we went to sleep around midnight). This happened actually a lot of times and I always felt like shit the next day.

I bring this up because right now I have a girl that I regularly see 2-3 times a week. We do a bunch of couply stuff, but she knows I see other girls too. (She doesn't really like it, but I've told her, and she accepts it. Story for another time I guess). Anyway something happened and I realized I hurt her feelings over text and I realized I had no idea how to handle it. The same old really panicked and fearful sensation rose up again. Ultimately I tried honesty. I called her, tried to tell her everything in my head, and also said I was sorry. In the end she seems ok and we still agreed to meet up later this week but I'm still really anxious. I don't know what she's thinking or what's going to happen.

Something similar happened yesterday when we were hanging out in person. I did something I thought she didn't like and immediately got fearful she was upset with me. I resolved it by telling her I was very anxious she was upset at me, and it's not her fault, I just have a dumb brain. She said she wasn't upset and then it was ok. But sometimes people are actually going to be upset. Then I don't know what to do.

I think this is probably some sort of weird / maladaptive attachment strategy, maybe stemming from childhood. Made worse by my generalized anxiety disorder. It's a really unhealthy dynamic but I really have no idea what to call it, or how to replace it, or what to do about it.
Wow this hits close to home. I lost my last relationship because of this.

Yeah and you're on the right path, looking at your past and why you're like this. The GAD doesn't help whatsoever and it can be a bit of a mental hurdle to climb over.

I cant really answer your question but this is the lesson I learnt so maybe you might get something from it. I had a very bad complex fear to approach women, I never had much success getting into a relationship or getting with women. Once i did, I got so so scared I would lose that 'happiness/relationship' because it was something i yearned for so so long. So my mind put me in this passive state where i would not be combatitive of my own virtues and basically allowed my ex to kinda step all over me. It didnt help being more passive and the anxiety got worse after each fight.

You almost have to let go, live with this unrelenting fear that this person might disappear, but like they say there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Thebastard
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Wed Mar 09, 2022 12:51 pm

I can relate 100% this sense of not wanting to 'rock the boat.' Maybe it is due to issues stemming from childhood or maybe it is something that affects the majority of men in general - lack of abundance mentality in the face of a perceived lack of (quality) options.

I know I bring Caleb Jones up a lot but I would highly recommend watching his relationship management content. Some great insights to be found in his media. Most guys are fearful of arguments because they don't want to lose the girl they are with but they deal with this fear the wrong way and 'hold back' (or just be outright pussies). A lot of it is because of they LOSE this girl then they are fucked and its going to be a ride through hell to find a new girl half as good as ... 'insert excuse here.'

His view (and mine is fast becoming also) is that you need to be willing to lose a girl and stick to your guns. The soft next is a controversial example which communicates to the girl you are not willing to tolerate extreme drama and if done correctly, has a reasonably high chance of having the girl run back to you with a new found respect. This is obviously for extreme cases such as when she screams at you or whatnot. For situations similar to yours, having a deep, gentle eye-eye conversation with hand-holding and warmth might be the best move. To be fully honest and lay it all out on the table. So far it has worked in my relationship in the few cases where such issues have cropped up but she (so far) has been mature and reasonable to begin with.

In the end your mindset is what is crucial. I am VERY similar in that I fear getting close emotionally to a woman I am into due to this black pilled sense that she will 'inevitably' get bored or leave me etc etc etc. That is why I spin plates and practice non-monogamy (like you apparently!). Will it fully mitigate losing a girl you have a deep connection/bond with? No. Is it better than re-entering the sexual marketplace as a pseudo incel? Hell yes! And that abundance you get from having options and other girls who are at least as attractive as her (even without the emotional connection stuff) may serve to help you behave and act in the most optimal way when dealing with your special girl.

Hope that made some semblance of sense and good luck!
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