Tue Jul 05, 2022 2:54 pm
Long overdue post: ON WOMEN (AND WHY WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM)
In this log, there were some dark times, and dark moments of real sickness in my body and mind. There was hurt, pain, and trauma to work through, and fears, insecurities, anger, doubt and low self esteem, anxieties, and overcoming the painful past of longterm loneliness and lack of imtimacy/love etc.
I had a lot of doubts around women and had developed tremendous embitterment and resentment.
They did treat me quite poorly for much of my time on earth and the rejections were endless.
But I was anxious, neurotic, had low self esteem and self sabotaged a lot.
There was a lot on my plate and a lot to unpack.
I was guilty of developing a very negative perception of women after 27-29 years of my journey and did at times begin to sincerely hate them.
I hated them for the rejections which were all I knew, and for the impersonal, distant, and unfavourable way they would interact with me in the world. It hurt me a lot and I found it unnecessary and cruel.
When you want to know them, and they do not want to know you, no matter what you do, of course you will begin to see the worst in that group.
When there’s a lack of contact and inability to have meaningful dialogue with a group in society, and when your interactions with them on the personal level are so harsh and uncomfortable and evoke emotional pain for you, constantly, for 12 years, what do you expect?
You will avoid things that cause pain and seek things that reduce that pain.
What motivated me in this journey at the start was just to be recognised, to be seen, to be heard, and to feel like a normal person. I wanted to do normal things, like have the experience of walking around doing fun, interesting activities with a pleasant girl. This was an experience I was very curious about and had been unable to find in life. I wanted to know about them, how they see the world, what their experience in the world was like. I was curious but also just longed to be seen as a regular guy like everyone else.
Slowly I began to get these experiences. It was a bitter and painful experience and a lot of suffering was involved. But I did begin to come to a place where I could find ways to connect with women, gain favourable interactions with them, and share space with them.
My first ever FWB has brought a lot of positive things into my life, as well as a lot of healing.
More than anything, I have seen things I didn’t think I’d ever see.
In spending time with her, in listening to her, in hearing her concerns, her journey in this world, and learning about what she cares about, what she is interested in, etc, I felt so much humanity and connection, so much compassion and empathy. It was the first time I have experienced the feeling of a woman being nice to me because she likes me as a man. And I must say, it is an amazing feeling and one I do not take lightly.
I went hiking with her about two weeks ago, and we hung out all day. She is an adorable human being, really sweet, loves nature, animals, things like that. She is happy, warm, kind and loving. Likes to be cuddled and is a very pleasant person to be around. She would often stop to take pictures of birds and things. I found myself feeling surprised on many instances, just at her responses to things, her patience, sweetness, general energy and mannerisms.
Very attentive, kind, and caring. There are these moments when she will behave in ways I have never really seen of experienced before in my life and it leaves me a bit aghast. I’m like, wow, she’s really like this?
Had I not met her, I wouldn’t have known women were capable of being this nice to me. It’s the first time I’ve experienced anything of the sort, and it means so much to me, I appreciate it so much.
I am not writing this post because I have caught feelings. I have not. I am writing this post because in this log, there was a guy who was once very hurt and lost, scared, living in fear and dealing with what he perceived to be injustice. This guy would express anger and rage, and be caught engaging in pathetic and infantile rants, and negative attitudes towards women.
Because there were negative things written about women by me in the earlier part of this journey, I feel the need to put this right and also express the many positive things I would go on to learn about women and how in improving myself, and becoming better at connecting with women, my life got better overall and I was able to find the joy and happiness we can experience when we as men are connected with woman and can function synergistically.
The great girls who are out there are wonderful to be around, and are lovely souls who deserve happiness, joy, love, affection, and to be appreciated and cared for because they are able to bring a lot to man, and to enable both parties to realise their highest potential and happiness, together.
Humans, on the whole, are essentially good. They are a complex creature, part of nature, and part of an overall process of evolution which is unfolding in accordance with nature’s design, that is, the plan of evolution or God (whichever you prefer).
We tend to attract what we need, and nothing is happenstance.
There is no coincidence. There is only entanglement.
You Universe manifests the experience you need for you to play your role.
Women can be great. Its our job to find the good ones.
Many aren’t much at all. That’s cool. Same with men.
The good ones however stir something in us and remind us why we love women. I do love their aura, their spirit, their energy. I love how they make us feel whole, valued, appreciated, heard, felt, and in their presence, we find our masculine centre and our path becomes clearer and less foggy. I love how woman can bring us healing, and how despite what is said and what we may feel sometimes in our journey, at our core, we crave a woman’s touch and to hold them in our arms. It is pure fact and healthy, something to be embraced.
It is better to be a woman lover than a bitter, resentful jaded male. You have to find the good ones, we all get this.
I would like to express thanks and gratitude to the girls who have been nice to me on my journey. The girls I cold approached whom, rather than the usual rebuff or swift rejection which they are very well entitled to (I totally respect this), actually spoke to me and were kind enough to let me know they enjoyed speaking to me. The girls I have been intimate with and who really enjoyed being with me, whom I in turn enjoyed and appreciated for the fact that they enabled us to share space and intimacy, and to allow meaningful human contact to be exchanged which was supportive of all parties.
There is a lot of good that women have brought, and a lot of healing in me that has taken place because of them.
I am grateful and I will continue to work hard and become the best man I can be.
For the women whose lives will cross paths with mine.
And eventually, for the one who who I will chose.
In gratitude,
MAC