Trying to build a new me.

[Balanzing]

I just found out this forum yesterday, however I've been working on my self improvement since around october 2020.

I'm gonna do some introduction, cuz I'm about to turn 36 next week, but the whole issue has been building up since I was a kid, and I really didn't realize the severity of it all till a mental breakdown I had in 2020, which is when I reached out for help for the first time, going to therapy and coaching, and while it didn't directly help, it made me ask myself a bunch of questions I never dare to ask prior to that point.

I come from a very poor family, I was raised by my mom ,uncle, aunt and granma, I never knew my father nor did I ever really care about it, the thing is, my mom was also very depressed and had a horrible self image, didn't take care of herself at all to the point she was extremely obese and had poor hygiene, when I was a kid I was never taught hygiene by my family, so when I was at kinder garden and elementary school, that caused me some very serious issues, I didn't understood why people disliked me that much, and that traumatized me to the point I never wanted to have friends, my house was a mess, and my communication with my family was pretty much non existant.

I grew to be very obese myself, having a weight of 87KG (191.8 pounds) when I was 9 years old, never really learned to talk to people cuz I had that preconceived notion that no one would like me, I was always in my head , and even when kids would approach me due to curiosity since I draw for as long as I can remember, I always placed a barrier between us. I would just spend my days playing on the arcade machines, watching tv with my mom and that's it, I was never taught much really, my uncle tried, but he was the one who supported us, after my aunt and granma passed when I was 7, he became extremely alcoholic, and from that point onwards I really had no contact with my family, my mom would never talk to me or anyone, I even learned last year from my only remaining aunt (her sister) that no one really knew her, she never talked to anyone when she was a kid, and that remained till the day she died, needless to say, that's what I learned.

When I was 15, I had a crush on a girl that was big enough to motivate me to change, I started working out without having a clue what I was doing, I would buy used men's health magazines, and eventually found out about martial arts while looking for used books, from that point on I got hooked on that, I stopped caring about attracting that girl, and just devoted myself to training, from middle school break to highschool, in the span of roughly 6 weeks, I dropped around 60 pounds since I dropped all fried food and fast food cold turkey, as a result I ended up with a bunch of loose skin that never recovered, and I actually never got used to the change in myself, despite people telling me I looked good, I never believed that, I changed all my habits, but still wouldn't talk to anyone, only if they approached me, cuz I still saw myself as a reject.

at 19, I got a computer, and starting meeting people online, and it had a big impact on me, never before I had spoken so much with someone, I got into a couple of long distance relationships, and following year, I met a girl who I fell for, we started a relationship, but things at home weren't good at all with my drunk uncle, who out of the blue decided to stop paying the internet bill, and I asked the girl if she wanted to keep the relationship or breakup, she said of course she wanted to be my girlfriend, so I committed myself to do whatever necessary to solve the situation, I studied hard and within a couple weeks I managed to land a job at an editorial doing covers for a magazine, long story short, she couldn't deal with my absence so she turned to videogames to cope, and never allowed herself to feel that vulnerable again, I felt the biggest guilt I've ever had up to that point, and I blamed myself for it, I got depressed for the first time and tried to 'make things up with her' , eventually went to meet her, and even moved to her city, things were never good and even tho we got back together again years down the line, we eventually broke up again, the whole thing lasted 13 years, all those years I ended up barely getting by, spending most of my time playing games with her, always trying to please her cuz I felt I was supposed to do whatever she wanted, cuz I was guilty for making her feel that way (I didn't know that on a conscious level), which of course ended with me being completely broke and depressed and even suicidal.

Everything reached the lowest point in 2019, where I felt that she didn't really care about my efforts,cuz even when we agreed to do something, she'd never do what she said, made me feel powerless and worthless, wanted to stop drawing altogether since I linked that heavily to her, and with all that I eventually got to meet a new girl on a chat room, and for the first time since 2006 I fell for someone else, and I didn't really knew what to do about it, my confidence was pretty much nonexistant, and doubted her a lot, which eventually made her look for someone else (despite waiting for me more than a year, but yeah, in my state I wasn't able to see that).
With all that I also wrecked the life of my best friend, who was always trying to help me get back with my ex, since they were friends too, all in all, that caused a huge mental breakdown in me, and I reached out for help, did a bunch of self improvement stuff, got back to working out, singing classes and started working again, I had great results, but to me they were meaningless, cuz I wanted to be with that girl (the new one) and couldn't stop blaming myself for what I did and didn't do, despite everyone telling me to look at the huge improvement I had made.

Thing is, I always knew I could do that, cuz I had done it before,but I never really stopped seeing myself as I did when I Was a kid, I always see myself as disgusting and worthless, so I always doubted the intentions of the girl ,which is what ended up fucking things up, and again last year, I tried meeting new people after telling my story to a new therapist, tried Tinder, and met a new girl, she had lots of issues and at the time I felt better about myself, so I wanted to try things, but ended up liking her and caring a lot about her, she fell for me too fast (in days) and that again made me feel uncomfortable, she had social anxiety due to traumatic experiences, so she didn't wanna meet me yet, it was just a mess, I was trying to heal from my trauma, while she was trying to do the same, eventually she got tired of it as she thought I wasn't really into her, and ended up meeting a new guy, I however, had already fallen for her, but was full of doubts, things were back and forth for a few months, until now she's finally with a new guy and fully committed to him, but we're so close, and she likes me a lot as her friend, I do too, but I really love her, so I'm at a point where I really don't know what the hell to do, however one thing is very clear to me, I'm inexperienced as fuck with girls, hell, with people in general, and all of my issues stem from that, also me being constantly broke due to neglecting that part because of depression.

So since last week of december, I've been planning on what to do this year, trying to actually build a better version of myself in all areas, started working hard last few months when I started going out with the Tinder girl (never before in my life I had done that, despite me living literally 1 block away from my ex girlfriend, we barely ever saw each other, we mostly kept in touch thru gaming and chat), so all those experiences really made me feel alive in a way I never felt before, and while being an extremely positive experience, I still need to fix alot of my issues, cuz it was clear to me that she felt hurt by my lack of decisiveness .

Things right now are horrible as I feel lonelier than ever, having screwed up my relationship with my best friend and with this Tinder girl, so now I'm trying to work on all the blindspots, and build a solid foundation, I'm still trying to figure things out, but at least on the work area, I'm doing ok, now I'm also trying to fix my looks and we'll go from there.

Today I just had a workout, and I'm gonna try my best to be consistent at it, despite feeling like shit.

[Balanzing]

Log day 1
Today I contacted a couple photographers to ask for info so I can get better tinder pics, I'm planning to get a new phone to create a new account, I'm moving to a new place on the 28th, so I hope that helps with giving me a new perspective and a fresh start, also doing some research on good barbers so I can get a new haircut, I got this one last week but I don't think it looks good on me, I had long hair for the longest time, up to my waist as I never really liked how short hair looks on me, but I'm willing to experiment.

Also need to redesign my workout routine as I just started working out again last week, but with no consistency, worked out 2 days in the last 8, yesterday I had a full body routine and today I'm gonna try my best to squeeze some hand balancing workout, sleep has been horrible for the past few days, but I'm doing the best I can, focusing on work and so on.

Also started playing guitar again, we'll see how that goes for the next few months.