Technically, I did two days since my last update but the last time I went out to do the drill, I ended up wandering around for 40 minutes without doing a single approach.
On that day I realized that a lot of the excuses from the very beginning of the program came back. "You can't talk to her because she's got earbuds in", "she's walking too fast, don't bother her", "she's too old", "she's too young" etc.
That realization actually worried me, because I thought I had lost all my progress. So, I asked someone for the time just to make sure I haven't regressed to my pre-AA program self (I haven't).
Today I did two or three approaches and got one rep out of it which puts me at 3/10.
During the past week, I reflected a lot about my progress, this drill in particular, and why I don't just skip it or quit altogether.
What is so much scarier about this drill than any other one? Especially when I haven't received any really reactions (a curt no or cold shoulder was the worst I've gotten so far). And those who humor me, actually seem to have fun and play along.
I don't like this drill, but I really appreciate how it makes me look inside and confront things I still don't fully grasp.
LESSONS LEARNED
- Day 16 was the first drill I really struggled with; took me 4 days to finish. I had the urge to skip that day and either invent interactions - because I didn't want to come here empty handed - or to call it quits. I did neither and am incredibly glad for that. Me persevering back then really is paying dividends now. Despite being at this one drill for over a week now, I feel quite optimistic about it.
- Funnily, I seem to be really outcome independent for this day. The roadblocks are not really related to the reactions I get.
- When I want to achieve a goal, I must consider its price just as much as the goal itself. Being able to hit on women is cool and all that, but that is not what is carrying me through this. When things get difficult, hitting on women just doesn't seem as enticing anymore. Unlike quitting and crawling back into my comfortable and predictable, mediocre life.
No, the reason why I am still subjecting myself to this is because it is difficult. In a weird way, overcoming the struggle itself seems like a reward on its own. - I think I've realized this before but just noticed again: Keeping a record (or multiple) really helps you put your momentary state in a bigger picture and can highlight how far you've come. Also, I'm basically using the sunk-cost effect to lessen the importance my current feelings.
