Upstart's AA Program Log

The main purpose of this forum; tell us what goals you're working on.
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Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Wed Sep 21, 2022 7:01 am



Had a date with the single mother. The date went well. The sex was great. The following day was not.
She kept poking her nose in my phone looking for evidence that I was seeing other girls until she found a message from some Hinge girl. I took my phone back and told her to "stop being nosy, you're only gonna give yourself headaches."

In fact, the previous night, she asked so many questions before we went to sleep. She asked me how seeing other girls didn't count as cheating. I said, "Because one day I'll introduce y'all to each other!"

She said "whatever" then untangled herself from me and turn away. That's when I heard the start of her sobbing.
I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. And breathed deeply into her back. I kept my eyes closed and did not say a SINGLE word.
Next thing she did was turn around, touch my lip then laugh saying she was just KIDDING and not really crying. To which I said "then go to sleep!"

For a while now, she'd been saying she wanted me for the whole weekend, but I could only stay Thursday/Friday at the most. But she couldn't be chill long enough for even that! She tried to start an argument. I tried calmly explaining my points, but she just cut me off to explain her own. Finally annoyed by her behavior, I said: "I'm only going to ask one more question: Do you want to be right, or do want to have a good time with me? And it better be the right answer, or I'm leaving."

*Continues to spill bullshit.*
So I promptly packed up my stuff. I said "This is how you drive good men away." Then left without another word.

COMMANDMENT #16 of the "16 Commandments of Poon"
XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.


Her next text better be an apology and she better be ready to suck a whoooole lotta dick (even though she's not that good at it) (S/O to Alpha Male Strategies on Youtube).

I'm going to try to make a nuanced point here about arguing with women here: Don't bother.
Even I only tried to lightly explain things before giving up entirely. At best, I just try to redirect their attention to something more emotionally stimulating to take the heat off the subject.

It would be best to find a woman who's unconscious/reflexive actions, words, and thoughts are pleasing to you the majority of the time. And if she is not willing to learn to be more cooperative, then just have your fun until she blows the situation.

A woman is not going to understand or empathize with you at all whatsoever. And they CANNOT. I repeat: They CANNOT empathize with your life situation as a man, no matter how much she pretends to. Arguing, explaining, or guilting her won't work. I can only assume for now, that raw reflexive masculinity works best, meaning it's probably better just to "command" her or fully insist on your preferences. That or have a woman who will cooperate with your commands, requests, and training. (Like a dog.
Yes, a DOG.)

Humans have awesome, loving relationships with their dogs, even though they can't understand what you go through as a HUMAN being: going to work, paying rent, dating, controlling one's urges, etc. Just let them run around, be happy, and take care of them. As long as they do what you tell them to (use bathroom outside, eat from the bowl, and don't drag ass on the carpet) you both will have many years of happiness ahead.

Since a girl can't understand what you go through as a MAN: working for everything you get, women's constant rejection, societal expectations to uphold it on your shoulders, having to fight and/or die to protect women & children from dangerous men or environmental threats, etc., having a good relationship with her ultimately boils down to: is her demeanor pleasing to you (femininity) and is she willing to learn to be more compatible with you (submissiveness).
YOU are the primary at all times.

Ultimately, you get a reflection of what you are. I'm not very dominant right now because these are the first girls I've been with sexually, and I don't know yet what I require of the women in my life. I just wanted sex and didn't think about afterwards, HAHA! For now, I only allow their sweetness in my presence and warn them about my low tolerance for rudeness. I just work it into our conversations. If they become unsavory to me, I leave. Very simple. Should I want to have one as my girlfriend, her general demeanor and attractiveness, must already be pleasing to me on some level, to where I don't have "train" her much. Though she'd be open to learning more of course.

ANYWAYS...

I took the other girl out on Sunday, we had a nice picnic at golden hour. Kissed a little and had a decent time. She prompted me for sex. I said, "Not today, I'm gonna ride my motorcycle later." I actually went on the date not intending to have sex that night.
She wasn't that into it last time, likely because I just took her to Target (I had to get something for my house) and then straight back to my place. Which I could sense made her feel used. After we fucked, she said, "I didn't think we were going straight back to your place... I thought we were just going to hang out and do some other things first". Then she started talking about semi-hard deeick, which annoyed me. I can tell she'll keep on that subject to see if she can get a rise out of me, but I've already figured out a solution to this little ED problem which I'll share after the next time we fuck.

I do wonder what kind of effect this will have on her mind, this date with no sex. She wouldn't let go of me when I tried to leave, and insisted that she was my favorite girl, (since I told her about the single mother). I told her she was 5th and she pushed me away in mock disbelief. I told her she was behind God, my family, my best friend and my motorcycle. We hugged and kissed some more before she left.

Before the date I noticed her neighbor was staring at me as she moved in next door....
Too risky, I believe. :?

AA Program. I'm going to finish before the end of the year. I need to reprioritize it because:
1. My options online are TRASH. And even the trash believe it's better than me.
2. There are so many approach options walking around, it would be a disservice to me and them to not finish the program.

I've slowed down because I'm actually dating and having sex for the first time in my life so I'm just enjoying that for now.
I've had to find work to pay for my living situation.
But the main reason is because the finish line seems so far away and I'm tired of embarrassing myself. I've been hesitating to go back to feeling that high anxiety feeling just before some weird approach which doesn't get me a girl anyway. Like, why do that when I have girls who already accept me (to some extent) anyway? I feel like going straight to regular approaches, but if I don't yet have the mental fortitude for this how would I have the fortitude for that?

Having been laid has taken such a mental load off my chest that I no longer have to focus on that as my primary goal, and now just focus on beating AA. I don't feel like as much of a loser doing some of the sillier drills now, that's for sure. Sex ain't all that great to me anyway, but maybe sex with a girl I actually like would be much better...?

For now, I've restricted beating off to once a week.

Financially, I have a way to pay rent for this month, so I'm not pressed.
My motorcycle is working great, I've got insurance and registration and I ride everyday!

Onwards!
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Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Thu Sep 29, 2022 4:22 am



I finished the Day 27 drill today! This vid covers a couple days prior. I just did the last two reps today.
I feel like this one was my weakest so far. I asked mostly older ladies or fat chicks, basically harmless women.
I have an irrational fear of tapping a hotter girl on the shoulder and getting chewed out for touching her without permission and feeling bad the rest of the day. The same fear I have with Drill 21 squeezing girls' arms in a club at night.
When I actually got to flexing my muscles for drill 27, I did it very subtly, without really drawing attention to myself. I felt like it would be showing off.

A part of myself still wants to HIDE.
Hide his physique, his desires, his true thoughts, his self. No amount of money or muscles is worth not being who I am deep down. If I could be my true self without worry or care, I would take that over a JILLION DOLLARS.

Moving on.

I tackled this challenge piece by piece. I was inspired by a fellow driller in our AA Group chat. (s/o to BDG-95!)
I really took an all-or-nothing approach to drills at first. I recall reading or hearing Chris somewhere mention that these drills are meant to be done all in the same day/night. I can't say how many perfect drill days I skipped because I felt like I couldn't fit all reps in one afternoon. Some have been so hard I just walk around for 30-50 minutes just doing time-drills or warming up.
If I didn't feel like I could do em all, I'd just go home with nothing. So I'm glad I can at least make some progress each day.

Could I start approaching girls regularly today? Not really, but it's possible. The fact is I've put like a mental condition on my mind saying that I'm not allowed to approach regularly until I finish all drills. So until that condition is met, I must continue like this. But I did check ahead to week 5, this is gonna be interesting....

My second fuckbuddy is still on board! I reached out earlier to see if that plate was still teetering, and now it seems like a gentle wobble as she's responsive to my sexual texts so we'll see wassup this Sunday.

I think I'm gonna go nofap (not Semen Retention) to finish out these drills or at least until I get more hoes. After losing the single mother and possible the thicc chicc, I thought it would be back to handy land, but while talking to my cousin, I realized exactly how sexual transmutation works, so I'm going to use that moving forward.

I'll explain briefly.

I subconsciously understood this while having sex for the first time, and when asking out the second girl a couple days later.
My sexual impulse naturally guided my next actions. When to kiss when to take off pants, when to change positions. All naturally.

I saw this girl's ass at work and thought it might look nice in my bed. I asked her out that day and had her in my bed within 3 dates.
I'm new at this, but my sexual impulse pushed me forward. All I had to do was overcome fear which is the only natural impediment.
Storing and saving up this impulse via nofap/semen retention forces me to redirect this impulse away from porn and towards my goals. It's like a nitro boost on a car. Every time I release, I use up the entire boost to feel pleasure in the moment. And what do I gain from this pleasurable experience? Some dirty tissues and sapped energy.

But what if I were to redirect this energy from pornographic images (which give nothing in return) towards my goals, i.e. finishing this program, going out to bars alone, getting hot girls from cold approach, making my pad a dope spot, etc.

Which reminds me, I finally figured out how I'm going to conquer this area I'm living in. I'll detail it in the next post, but since coming to San Marcos I've always known that I wanted to "eat" this town. Embrace everything it had to give, get in anywhere I wanted to for free, become the man, have girls gravitate towards me and my friends, make my life a living anime (complete with harem, of course), become myself and never fear for talking to women ever again.
And now I've figured out how. It's only a matter of time...

On that note, my finances are still circling the drain and I don't feel the urge to get a job anytime soon. Rent is due next month and for some reason my body won't move to get a damn job. The way I see the world is much different from how most people see it. I think outside the matrix if that makes sense. So If I don't feel like working I just won't work until I do work. If I were to reach out to a job out of fear, in need of a life raft, that would be pathetic mistrust in the intelligence of the universe which is greater than my small mind could even dream. So for now I remain still until it is time to work again.

In the meantime, I've been hitting the highway on my motorcycle and it's not so bad. I'm really getting used to the bike and handling it.

This week I ask: What is dominance?
My answer (for now) is stating or commanding with power which requires no outside authority.
I've seen it in play so many times and I want to apply this in my own life. But in my own thoughts I almost never feel sure about things I always defer to fate or nature, not really commanding things to be as I want them. Down to the way I phrase things with women, like I'm afraid of my authority being challenged or rejected and having to rely on anger, force, or outside authority. Where does the authority of my own dominance come from and what will make even other men comply?

I feel like it's a self-generated guiding energy that invites others into the actions you're doing. Your words and deeds simply draw her in and pull her along with what you're doing as long as you SOME direction you're going in. I know it makes girls feel more comfortable, and sometimes I'll be hanging with the hood girl just allowing her to not hold my hand as we walk. I'm going to practice this with her next time.

The only exception I'll make to the no/fap is having sex and edging to my own thoughts. I've done it once before, but I want to strengthen my mind/dick connection without the use of porn. I was just starting to get over my psychological ED when I split from the single mom, so I'm gonna keep at it. I had no idea I was so disconnected from my body.

The girl in glasses is the single mom, the other is the thicc hood chick from Cali.
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Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Sat Oct 01, 2022 7:05 am

Quick Update:
-Currently cleaning out the dirty ass hot tub we have in our backyard.
-Rent is due in a day or so. Still no job.
-Love riding my motorcycle everywhere; really starting to shift gears more smoothly.
- Attempted Day 28 earlier, but breaking that touch barrier really requires me to get out of my head. Getting laid has not given me superior social skills. Like, at all. Just a soft background confidence that no longer a virgin, and can get laid if I really try. There is still MANY mental hurdles to overcome which I didn't expect would still be there.

-Jerked off to my own thoughts a couple nights ago. Wasn't that hard actually. I think I'll just retain for now until the end of the program. But I like to observe how my own arousal process works and when/how I can trigger it.
-Went out to walk around the downtown clubs this Friday night. Too nervous to talk to anyone. Not inclined enough to walk inside anywhere. One day I will 'conquer' this area, but first I must conquer myself.
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Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Sat Oct 08, 2022 4:56 pm



This vid is from Sunday.
I took the thicc girl from work to the Domain. She said she'd never been to before, so we walked around, had some food, then I took her back to her hotel and tried to get it on. She wasn't in feeling it and said she had to get up for work in the morning. I tried multiple times, testing to see if her soft objections were real. There was no hard "NO" but by the third or fourth objection, "I need to get up for work tomorrow" I was like, "Bet, I ain't tryna catch a case."

She said, "You sound mad."
Absolutely nothing in my voice or demeanor conveyed any anger, but girls will try to put false assumptions on your ass to see if buy into it and make it real.
OF COURSE I felt some type of way about not fucking! I spent the whole week studying and preparing to last long and have a great night. But if she's not into it I'm not into it, which I told her. I said, "I'm not the type of nigga to just TAKE it. I ain't tryna catch a case." I reiterated.

I started putting on my clothes to bounce. She said, "You're not staying the night?" I said, "Nah, that's reserved for after playtime, basically." She understood.
Why waste my time in bed with a rock. :|

After I was packed and ready to go I sat down to get a feel for her mental state. She seemed okay, but mentioned being depressed and homesick, and not having accessed to her meds which were at her mother's place whom she left weeks ago. She's now in a dingy hotel room on the other side of town.
So before I left, I held her for as long as she wanted. I said "Hold on as long as you want, I can take it." A few kisses later she asks, "are you gonna be okay?" I say "I should be asking you that!"
Then I head for the elevator.

She's the strong-willed type and keeps very busy for work. I just need to put more options on my table.

I've recently attempted the Day 28 drill and now I'm getting ready to start a new job Monday.

I thought losing my virginity would give me a huge surge in confidence, but as all things, this seems to come in waves. Now is a downslope. Such is life. I'm going to finish week 4 soon, but this might slow down as the current job I'll be working will take up much of my days and weeks. Seems like a punishment for going too slow on these drills. I don't really have enough cash to sustain my lifestyle without working, so it's time to STACK.

The decent part is that I'm working a sales job. Very useful skill for picking up girls. Has the potential to make more than the base salary etc. So I'll hit up both options tomorrow and see what's up. Time to get my financials in order so I can put time back into the drills and upgrading my house.
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pancakemouse
Posts: 1768 | Thanks: 1052
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2021 4:14 pm
Goal: Master cold approach
Age: 33

Sat Oct 08, 2022 5:40 pm

Upstart wrote:
Sat Oct 08, 2022 4:56 pm
She seemed okay, but mentioned being depressed and homesick, and not having accessed to her meds which were at her mother's place whom she left weeks ago. She's now in a dingy hotel room on the other side of town.
Seems likely that her disinterest in sex was cause by her being depressed. During depression, sex can feel foreign and alien to women. It's basically uncontrollable to them. So don't take it as anything against you.
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Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Sat Oct 15, 2022 8:05 am




My dating life has been weird.
Since I started at age 23, it just goes up exponentially with each wave.
  • 1st Girl: Date goes well, no kiss. No second date.
    Second girl: 3 months later, One date, goes well, first kiss ever. No second date.
    Third girl: 2 years later! New girl, one date almost have sex. Make out, suck on titties and fingering. No second date and blocked. :? Went from straight virgin to sucking on titties in one go.
    Fourth girl: Month and a half later, One date, no kiss. No second date.
    Fifth girl: 2 months later, single mother, first time second date, 3rd date sex, multiple dates and fucks afterward.
    Sixth Girl: Simultaneous. 3rd date sex, seeing both as FWBs for 1-2 months+, one on Thursday, the other on Sunday.
But now that is waning. I left the single mother for giving me headaches. And now the other girl has gone quiet, so imma let her hit me up. I usually initiate, so I want to see some reciprocation, or we're done. If she found some other guy to hypnotize with her pussy, cool.

But if this is the end of this round of dating, what crazy stories are coming up next?! I can only imagine. Everything I've learned and experienced in the previous round is definitely gonna prepare me for what comes next, but I always feel like I'm one step behind the curve learning as I go. Everything I would've learned through trial and error in years of high school and college, I now have to cram into weeks and months right now. Luckily, I studied so much red pill knowledge I have a solid framework for dealing with women from a place of self-respect.

DRILLS:
DAY 28 was SO HARD. I can't believe it was so hard for me to tap women on the shoulder and ask them for nerd glasses. As usual, my crutch was to ask older women out of fear of getting chewed out by a hot girl or something. The younger women I did ask were, not super hot really, so I wasn't too nervous. I split this challenge up between 2 days the first, I did only four then I did the rest on the second go around. I'm still mostly frequenting grocery/department stores for these challenges.

Day 29 much easier, since I had already done two high-five drills in a short amount of time first one 10min, second time 4min.
Today took about 30 min to get the first 5 done, then less than 10 min for the second set. Most of what carried me through was the memory of "I've done this before". Once I put one rep on the table, I kept going easily. It was just a bit difficult to find the first one because I put too many conditions on who to high-five:
  • Had to be an older lady
    Had to be alone in the aisle, didn't want anyone watching me.
    Couldn't have kids or husband nearby.
    Had to have hands free.
The more I went into the drill, the less I cared about my strict conditions and just went about it normally. I'd high five younger women, women with stuff in their hands, etc. The only "rejection" I got was from a cute girl who was too far away to high-five anyway.

After the drills, there is such a release of energy, like, "I did it! I'm done now!" that I wish I had that energy during the fucking drill, lol! Always happens!
I can't wait to start approaching for real.

I can see day 30 being a real challenge because I didn't do day 21 so I may skip for now. Day 21 was a challenge for the same reason as day 28 because I had to touch the girl to get her attention, and I'm just afraid of the negative reaction. High-five is more consensual, but squeezing girls' arms in a club setting is still a bit out of reach for me, drunk or not.

Day 31 will have me re-do my hardest day which I'll probably tackle tomorrow. "Where's the beach" was by far the hardest one which I procrastinated the most on because I felt like I was invading women's space by tapping them on the shoulder and the flexing, which I kept to a minimum. It took me several outings in which I only got 2 - 4 reps done for the entire day. So many stipulations on who to talk to, etc.

I find that I have the best results starting early afternoon. I feel like sticking in the drill for much longer if I start early in the day.

I've read ahead to next week and I have confidence in that week being much easier, because I give non-sexual compliments all the time already. So I think I can handle it. (I say that now...)

I still don't have a job yet, but I've interviewed for two carpet cleaning companies, which I'd really like to work for because it involves:
  • frequent travel, which = new bitches every day
    sales, which = commission, and better communication skills for talking to bitches
    money, which = more upgrades to my pad to bring in more bitches.
My motives are pure!

NEW UNDERSTANDING OF MYSELF
One thing I MUST work on is my growth towards authenticity. Full-on committing to and owning my own intentions and opinions. Embracing uncomfortable feelings. Embracing cringe. Embracing embarrassment. Embracing my anger and owning it. Not going back on my own feelings or censoring myself. MEN mean what they say, even if it will cause conflict. There is no mistaking a man's intention.

I notice this hesitance in myself; a fear of owning my own thoughts or who I am out of fear of being called out or confronted. I don't include myself when others are doing things. I don't feel worthy. I feel like a creep sometimes. I don't truly stick my chest out, or try to be noticed, and I don't usually confront. My energy sometimes seeks permission to share my true opinions.

Nervous ticks like not finishing my sentence strongly if it's about to come out too harsh or truthful. I'll sometimes lower my voice at the end of sentences so people miss my true thoughts, so when they ask me to repeat, I can change it if I need to. I'll sometimes pull back before I say what I really mean, out of fear of the confrontation with my true feelings. Not fully expressing or owning my true opinions and leaving a backdoor to escape in case I'm proven wrong and have to take an L. Flinching from watching others in conflict instead of looking directly at it and feeling the discomfort of my emotions.

I just now uncovered this. It's been an unconscious reflex for so long that it has single-handedly hindered my dating life and even making new friends. I'm going to look into this deeper and undo this habit in order to build a new one of full authenticity.

Like saying "no" with no explanation why. Or staring people in the eye without looking away. Stating my opinion firmly, ready for the possible conflict. The deeper inward I go to uncover myself, the more my outward circumstances improve. YOU CAN'T BUY SELF-IMPROVEMENT. You can't change a whole bunch of outer circumstances and expect your inner world to grow. It's like getting a bunch of tattoos and piercings thinking it will make you badass. Or getting a motorcycle, or having sex. None of these made me feel truly greater. I can wear all this badass biker gear, but when it comes time to talk to a girl, until my voice comes out soft, (strong, but still, soft) "Excuse me, could I get the time?" Like, what am I scared of?! Scared of being wrong? Scared of doing things incorrectly? Of being corrected and embarrassed?

It's nothing I can find logically, and there is no point in analyzing it. It's just a bad habit in my nervous system that need only be reversed now that I've noticed it (which is already half the battle). I just need to breathe through it. What I'm scared will happen is not real, and if it does happen I can always handle it. That's what I'm looking for; that feeling of boldness, stepping out with full authenticity. Anything that occurs, I can handle it.

The consequences I've been afraid of only exist in my mind, and I've been holding myself back based on this strong belief in negative consequences. There's no logic behind it, only a raw feeling from childhood, unexamined. I must undo this belief and install a new one. My whole nervous system has been dedicated to this old way of living and now I can see a glimpse of something new. The motorcycle hasn't made me feel more like a man, the clothes, the sex didn't make me feel more like a man. It was facing the end of my old self and overcoming fear, (the fear of riding, the fear or standing out, or the fear of sexual openness) that made me believe I could be more myself. You are the one who makes lame things seem cool. You are the primary. Are you willing to stand on the hill alone? Unproven and untested? To risk looking like a fool or getting into a fight or confrontation?

It's the one thing that's kept me a loser. The one thing that's kept me inside watching a simulation of life on the internet instead of living it myself. The fear of making an irreversible mistake. So many years wasted. So many potential friends and relationships never explored.

Hiding my self only brings more cringe, anger and negative emotions when it goes wrong. But when I approach with full boldness, even if it goes wrong, I'm feel great because I put my true self out there.

Boldness is a shield.
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hannangame
Posts: 28 | Thanks: 2
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2021 11:38 pm
Name: Han
Goal: FUCK A BADDIE 7.5+/10
Age: 21
Motto: On the come up

Fri Oct 21, 2022 5:59 pm

Is goodlooking loser down?
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IamGroot
Posts: 4 | Thanks:
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2022 5:59 pm
Goal: Kill Fear of Rejection
Age: 44

Sat Oct 22, 2022 10:52 pm

Yes, GLL has been down a few days now. Upstart, I haven't been posting but I'm at the same point as you in the AA program. I just did arm grabs in the club last night and saying hey, nice. Today I'm doing time, directions, and compliments. I don't know how many I'm supposed to do because the site is down.

I have the same issues, I often isolate them at Target or the grocery store so no one else hears me lol. I'll dm you so we can motivate each other and finish this strong! This is definitely hardest thing I've done. Week 4 was really rough but we're almost there!
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Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Mon Oct 24, 2022 7:10 am

Quick update:

I've finished both day 32 and 33, I just need to make a video to collect my thoughts on both. Day 34 is gonna be a bit of a challenge, but I'll do it of course.
As a result of the tapping drills, I'm beginning to feel more comfortable taking up girls' space or getting up close to them as I speak. I've never felt comfortable even being close to them for fear of making them uncomfortable. But basically, if I am comfortable with myself they are comfortable with me.

I will be training in boxing soon. This seems to be another spur of the moment decision God has made for my life. Just as moving out, doing these drills, getting a motorcycle, having sex, etc. I've always wanted to fight in some capacity. It's always been my dream, but I essentially told myself 'maybe next life'. I thought I'd need to preserve my hands and for drawing comics. Little did I know I'd be tackling life full force and pushing comics to the sideline.

The term "vibrational escrow" comes to mind. It's a "manifesting" term referring to all the stuff you want in life held in a vibrational storage in the universe until you become the person able to attract and manifest those desires in physical reality.
I haven't strived for these things showing up now. They just appear and I pick them like an apple from a tree. I remember wanting a motorcycle a long time ago. Maybe when I was 20. Now I have it. I remember wanting to fight, now I have an affordable gym to train at. I didn't have to strain to get them. In fact, I'd much rather be doing my original plans. But I see now that this is the way life moves and I cannot move against it.

My life is straight up turning into the anime I've always wanted it to be. Little by little. But it's not coming for free. The only cost is overcoming my own fears. Fear of moving out, the fear of changing my style and standing out, the fear of talking to girls, the fear of having sex, the fear of dying on a motorcycle, the fear of permanent injury in the ring. To all of these, God has said, "do it anyway." So I will. My favorite shows and books always involved a badass guy who can basically do it all. Girls throw themselves at him and he picks who he wants. He's strong and righteous and seems to make things look easy, but always puts in work to protect those around him.

Gintama, Great Teacher Onizuka, Luffy from One Piece. Ender, from second Ender's Game book, Speaker for the Dead. Daredevil, Batman. It never occurred to me that I could become like my heroes. I just thought I'd be a lowly artist until I became a rich artist. and THEN I would have my fun, but the way life is going, it's flipping things upside down and making me put my life and dreams first, and art second.

It recently came to mind that I always want to make numerous friends and have strong allies, a crew who would be down for me and my dreams and we'd all work together to achieve. I always wanted to be friendly have multiple girlfriends all into me, but I could never get out of my shell enough to let anyone in. I always put friends on the back burners for my dreams of becoming a comic artist. I always put them to the side so I could focus my mind. But my life during that period was a dull hum of existence.


Everyday would mostly be spent in my mind dreaming of the day I could finally unleash and become who I was meant to be. All I had to do was accomplish all my mind's goals first. and become financially free as an artist beforehand. But that would have only started in my 30s

Eventually I'll becoming back to my art one day, full force and I will take over the industry with my work. My comics and animations will be legendary.

I tried to skip rope for five minutes, shit kept getting tangled so it was more like 2 and half mins. Then I went for a mile run. Took about 9min 51s. The coach as the gym I'll be signing up for told me it had to be down to 7 min before going for 2 miles. My legs still hurt.

Continuing drills tomorrow, and signing up for the boxing gym.
User avatar
Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Mon Oct 24, 2022 7:16 am

IamGroot wrote:
Sat Oct 22, 2022 10:52 pm
Yes, GLL has been down a few days now. Upstart, I haven't been posting but I'm at the same point as you in the AA program. I just did arm grabs in the club last night and saying hey, nice. Today I'm doing time, directions, and compliments. I don't know how many I'm supposed to do because the site is down.

I have the same issues, I often isolate them at Target or the grocery store so no one else hears me lol. I'll dm you so we can motivate each other and finish this strong! This is definitely hardest thing I've done. Week 4 was really rough but we're almost there!
Hey man, I'm using the Wayback Machine for the site. It works perfect. https://web.archive.org/web/20170706234 ... m-week-5-1

I'm also part of an active Whatsapp group all encouraging each other in the program. Let know if you want in!

Also, the only drills I've attempted then skipped were the nightclub ones, even the tapping drills were difficult, so I'll go back to those once I'm more comfortable!
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IamGroot
Posts: 4 | Thanks:
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2022 5:59 pm
Goal: Kill Fear of Rejection
Age: 44

Mon Oct 24, 2022 9:42 pm

Thanks bro, sent you a pm.
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hannangame
Posts: 28 | Thanks: 2
Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2021 11:38 pm
Name: Han
Goal: FUCK A BADDIE 7.5+/10
Age: 21
Motto: On the come up

Wed Oct 26, 2022 1:30 am

Yo can I join the WhatsApp group too? I haven't gotten past 21 yet, I've been repeating week 3 for 2 weeks now.
User avatar
Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Wed Oct 26, 2022 2:23 pm

IamGroot wrote:
Mon Oct 24, 2022 9:42 pm
Thanks bro, sent you a pm.
I don't see a message, yet.
hannangame wrote:
Wed Oct 26, 2022 1:30 am
Yo can I join the WhatsApp group too? I haven't gotten past 21 yet, I've been repeating week 3 for 2 weeks now.
Absolutely, send me a DM!
Side note: I attempted day 21 for more than two weeks, but eventually had to skip ahead to keep up progress. I'd attempt the Drill on weekends and do Week 4 on weekdays. I haven't tried again in a while, but it might help if I was drunk!
User avatar
Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Fri Oct 28, 2022 7:10 am




Okay, I've redone my hardest drill, day 27. It was so difficult for me because I had such a hard time touching someone without their permission, even by tapping them on the shoulder. I've felt like a creep for so many years of my life I didn't consciously recognize it until now. I see guys online with game and "rizz" and I never considered that would even be possible for me. But I feel now that it may well be within reach someday soon.

Day 27 (Where's the Beach) took me several days to get through the first time, but only a couple hours the second time. I've grown!
When speaking, I know if I speak with more confidence, conviction and presence, the girl answers in kind. In fact, getting a weird or negative reaction happens much less and if it does, it feels much less painful. Because when I come in with confidence, the reaction is basically on the girl, not me. But if I come in with a weird creepy vibe and the girl acts weirded out that's on me.

Day 32-33 were very easy, but I've skipped 31 another night drill, because of the touching issue. 34 (Banana Phone) is about to be weird because it's another silly one, but I'll find a way.

I've started training boxing and it's mostly conditioning so far. Which sucks cuz I hate sweating and breathing hard. But I want to be able to fight, so it's necessary.

I've taken a short break from online dating since the last two girls I've fucked with. And I'm only just now getting back into it. I just got a girl's number fairly easily so I'll see where that goes. She's up for a date this Saturday. I'm gonna take Casey Zander's advice and just chill and vibe with the girl, getting to know her and not pushing for sex, which is kinda boring without knowing the person anyway. Because I've already had it, there's no rush or pressure this time.

Sounds bad to say, but now that I've had sex, I feel like I can own parts of myself I thought would never get me laid.
Like my love for comics, or animation, or my musical taste. I always withhold the weird or eccentric parts of myself to others because I don't want to feel shame or embarrassment. So I keep it all to myself. I don't feel like I've ever lived fully.
I don't hate clubs because they're clubs. I hate them because I don't want to embarrass myself dancing badly to songs I like. I don't want to look uncool in front of everyone. If these thoughts sound juvenile, it's because I never dealt with them since my teen years, and to Kill My Inner Loser I have to confront every false narrative that's held me back in life so far.

I wonder what would happen if I share some my true self with someone else. Would I be accepted or rejected?
The answer just hit me now. If I accept myself fully it doesn't matter who accepts me or not.

Easier said than done!
User avatar
Upstart
Posts: 92 | Thanks: 32
Joined: Thu May 19, 2022 4:50 am
Name: Ken
Goal: BEAT AA
Age: 27
Motto: Surpass one's self.
Location: San Marcos, TX
Contact:

Thu Nov 03, 2022 4:35 am

Quick update:

I haven't attempted day 34 yet, but I'm getting to it!

I've completed my first week and a half of boxing training, but I have much more to go before I stand any chance against other amateurs.

I've also gone out on my first date in a month.
It went well! All my dates go well. It's setting up the second one I sometimes have trouble with, but she's eager for a second one and we've set the venue pretty easily.

I want to get my comic published and do that for money. I don't know how imma pull it off, but it feels like the right next step.

I don't know how to explain it, but everything I'm doing is connected to each other. I don't feel disjointed in my mind anymore. Boxing is increasing my testosterone, allowing me to lose weight and learn to fight at the same time. My increase in stamina and mental focus allows me to draw for longer and have the energy to tackle whatever comes up. Talking to girls and getting laid has increased my self-esteem and allowed to me to know myself much more than before. I feel like I'm becoming more complete as a man, but I have so much more to grow into.

Starting by finishing these drills! Hopefully by year's end.
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