New here. blackpill reformer

[bigblogfish123]

hey im ben

just want to talk abit about myself. the main reason i joined this forum is because i have a unhealthy mindset towards dating.

was blackpilled for few years. came out of it recently. never had any experience with girls. i left school at 11. was raised strict christian so the idea about girls was very taboo. whats strange is i dont even care about sex. as cringe as it sounds i have a desire to just be loved. i always fantasize about cuddling and stuff. i actually dont want to lose my virginity. i act like a girl almost but i want to save it for someone who i love. the idea of a hookup or losing it with an escort terrifies me and makes me feel sick. tbh i just want to feel loved that's the honest truth. and i feel like i dont deserve love from anyone.

feel like im very ugly even though im told im not. when i was 16 i went to trade school for abit and i actually got approached by 7 girls. asking me for my snapchat and whatever. 1 of them asked me out. i said no. so the main issue isnt really my looks but i have really high standards. like ive tried dating apps for about 1 week. had girls near me straight up ask me if i can come round for sex. i said no. im honestly not interested in sex with strangers. for me i just want the validation, companionship, just the feeling of being cared for.

i have a strange mentality when it comes to women. like i said before i have unrealistic standards. i was blackpilled and there is a term called "seamaxxing" which means moving to south east asia for dating reasons. so i went on okcupid and set my location to phililippines. and it's really amazing. get like 500 matches in couple days. every girl i swipe on is a match. right now i have 2 girls i call at night just because im lonely. and the treatment i get is insane. 1 of them drew a picture of me. i literally get worshipped by these girls.

and the problem is that i feel the need to be worshipped. if im not being worshipped im not interested. i honestly dont really care about looks that much aswell. id rather be with a 4-5/10 who worships me than a 10 who doesnt adore me.

i actually made a online business so i could go philippines. and its successful. but i have 1 problem. i have a very bad fear of vomiting since i was a child. and south east asia is
infamous for getting food poisoning due to heat, food hygiene and stuff. so i actually pussied out. so now im thinking of staying in UK or maybe move to eastern europe. i really like the idea of moving to a different country because it makes me feel special and somehow that might excuse me for being weird. even though im not weird i feel like i am.

so lets talk about UK. even if girls were came to my lap. i would not accept. i have really high standards and idk how to fix or if i should even fix it.

the girls i spoken to in philippines have slowly lost interest in me. they called me: toxic, cold, controlling, judgmental, emotional.

like i said before the main reason i joined the forum is to change my mindset towards women. i have strange views on them. for example i have extreme jealousy. if i think of a woman even looking at a man i feel sick. not just having sex with him or kissing him. but the idea that a woman has lust for another man makes me feel horrible.


TL:DR
unrealistically high standards (needs to be worshipped or not interested)
lonely
feel horrible when women have more than 1 body count (probably because i was raised christian and jealous)
im socially unhealthy person. i am toxic.
virgin / no experience

goal:
im toxic and idk if i should lower my standards?

would love some responses
here are some questions id like you ask you guys: how do you not get jealous of girls with experience? how do you lower your standards?

[Squilliam]

Your definition of "high standards" is interesting, because usually when people say that they're almost exclusively referring to looks.

Honestly, I wonder if you have some sort of untreated mental disorder which gives you this need to be "worshipped". But it can also function as a BDSM thing so there's that. Have you been to a psychiatrist and/or a therapist?

It sounds like you've developed a lot of negative beliefs from childhood. Perhaps you should consider getting professional help with that.

[bigblogfish123]

Yeah im insane lmao. Nah im not into bdsm. I just feel like im not good enough so to ensure i am i need to be worshipped. Also its a security thing. Like if they worship me less chance they will leave maybe. Idk myself to well. All i know is im lonely but I reject every girl and im toxic. Im not weird though. I can socialise the same as everyone else. Its just i have blockages and idk why. Im seriously considering moving to latvia soon lol

[Squilliam]

Its just i have blockages and idk why. Im seriously considering moving to latvia soon lol

It sounds like you know exactly why. You are insecure and require large amounts of validation to (temporarily) offset those feelings.

Moving to a country like Latvia is not going to fix this issue. Moving to those countries might give you more opportunities to go on dates as the girls are less picky than in western countries, but your retention will be the same if you don't fix the issues. Given you don't want sex with strangers, I suggest you work on your underlying issues, consider consulting with a therapist or a psychiatrist. The forum can give you advice but changing something like that, requires specific, focused efforts.

The simple fact of the matter is that you can't ever be 100% that a girl won't leave you. All you can do is be with the ones that are worth getting hurt over.

[bigblogfish123]

actually true didnt really think about that. even if i do get experience ill still have this problem. also i have an addiction to ending things. about 2 weeks ago i had mental breakdown and blocked all my friends, deleted all my social media and stuff. idk why but i always love to sabotage. and i really enjoy upsetting people. it gives me control. almost like "you cant fire me because i quit" if i end it first then it feels like i have control. i do have OCD. i did go to a therapist but she didnt care.

[bigblogfish123]

ngl never made a irl friend. was always that weird quiet kid in the back of the room. all my friends were online from all over the world. ill never reconnect with them as they were all negative. i live in a small village middle of nowhere with population of 300. mainly retirees. if i ever want to take dating seriously id atleast have to move. i have my own business so i plan on moving out soon. yeah i have alot wrong with me lol. but im really into self improvement and stuff so ive improving my mental health alot. before i couldnt go outside just for a walk without having a panic attack. ive done really well on my own so far

but for therapy idk its expensive. cant i solve my own issues? ive already solved many other issues. its just idk how to solve this lonely issue because my standards so high. not for looks but for how i get treated. i just want someone to tell me how to solve it and i will. thats all i need. because i have no idea how to solve it. i dont need therapy imo

[bigblogfish123]

virgin girls is common in the baltics?

[Squilliam]

idk why but i always love to sabotage. and i really enjoy upsetting people. it gives me control. almost like "you cant fire me because i quit" if i end it first then it feels like i have control

I agree with Matt. Judging by this and the things you've written in this post, I think you might have a personality disorder. Really need to get professional help, this is not something the forum will be able to fix for you.

You're in a European country, isn't healthcare free or low-cost? I'm American though so I wouldn't know.

[bigblogfish123]

lol i just googled personality disorder meaning. cluster B made more sense so i checked those 4. and i relate to all of them lmaoo

[Squilliam]

lol i just googled personality disorder meaning. cluster B made more sense so i checked those 4. and i relate to all of them lmaoo

Yup, judging by your posts, I would've guessed antisocial or narcissistic, or maybe borderline. But I ain't a psychiatrist, they're the only ones who can give you a proper medical evaluation.

[bigblogfish123]

just out of curiosity what made you think i have antisocial disorder from my posts?

[Squilliam]

just out of curiosity what made you think i have antisocial disorder from my posts?

The fact that you said you gain enjoyment from controlling a situation and making people upset, to me that indicates a lack of empathy. That is one of the key characteristics of ASPD.

The idea that you need to be "worshipped" points more towards narcissistic personality disorder, seems like vulnerable narcissism.

Once again I am not diagnosing you, I am not qualified to do that. In addition I haven't spent any time with you in real life so it's hard for me to make an accurate assessment.

Only a medical professional can give you a diagnosis.

[bigblogfish123]

3:38 - 5:35

i feel exactly how this woman feels

[jeff550]

I agree that you should spend time working on getting a healthier mindset and see a professional if possible, but also you are young now, if you take the time and do the hard work to work through this stuff no, you can build such an incredible life for yourself.