kAldown log

[kAldown]

Today I spoke with my friend (girl) about what is she looking and how would she feels if I will approach her like I always do. Have a long discussion.
Then I approached 2 girls on a street with the same topic.
Consclusions:
- they fell I only interresting in sex (not true). But I convey that false perception. Need to adjust
- do not tell that you're into sex straight away, be more elegant, give it some time
- do not give compliments about sex body parts (tits, ass). More about hairs, face, eyes
- do not convey you are a friend, or relationship looker, still give her a chance to decide, but do not be brutal

this two girls have BF, yet they are so cute, twisting hairs and play with their jewelry. Couple minutes conversation works better. Nice dicsovery

Today my FWB will come for couple hours. Will try viagra and smoke weed.

No need for viagra. Fucked 8 hours long. Fucking nice. +1 to my bucket

[kAldown]

Still here.
Some updates:

all in all have sex with 8 different girls. Got 3 FWB (but I like only one), so technically 1.
Spoke with a friend (girl) and after that I feel more relaxed, loose most of the anger. Now see things more clear. The downside - have no desire to chase girls.
2 new girls asked me to come to them - I don't want.
Still aproaching but in a lesser amount, like 2 to 5 a day. Without any intent to fuck straight away.

Looking into having dates with girls without forcing them to sex.
Afraid that it could lead to a previous pattern when most of them will think about me as a friend, without sexual desires. Will see.

Listen alot of psychologies. Talk more with peoples. Slowly getting more social.

Still have a lot of scares. Write them down. Think about them constantly. Trying to push my thoughts out.
The fears I won:
- if she had a lot of lay counts - she's not GF material
- if she will have sex on a frist date - same
- if she asks about relationship - still trying to win that. I don't want that talk. But have my own boundaries. If there would be "no sex before raltionship" - then it's def. NO for me. All the rest - should be respectfully talked through communication. Which is also a screening. (BTW I can't do this properly. Reading Andy's posts and trying things out)

Something in me constantly screaming: "I deserve sex too, why I have none, and she want me to settle", sounds like a victim. But after pronouncing that out loud - I making a hard "No way I will fall under your frame". I get this fear throug. It's like: "I lived all my life, and while I get the point I am at right now - she have pleasurable time with others. Now she wanting me to stop. But I get not enough". That's how I feel about "relationship talk".

I need to pronounce out loud what I'm want from a girl.
I want:
- sex (as fast as it could be. if I feel she is playing with me, or asking me to do something for her if I don't volunteerly want that - that's a No!)
- feelings
- patience (I'm very rude sometimes, but constantly getting better and warmer)
- ability to communicate issues through
- honesty

Fucking hell. Girls all over my head no matter what I do. Meanwhile I lost my job 2 months ago. And I need one to say in UK by visa
But I feel I more alive now!

Will think harder to write a proper goal. Now I knew I can achieve anyhing, with a proper effort. Just need to know what I want! Thanks Andy and all you guys showing me that. Sorry for not making proper writings. But I never surrendered, just did less than usual.

[kAldown]

Hey guys.

Mentioning that I did not dropped.
Long story short (not too short):
I've met a girl at 29 of August in Tinder. Instantly I saw she completelly different from those I meet in London personaly. We spoke once every week at the beginning, but the most beautifule thing we spoke very openly. For instance, I told her that I had 3 fuck buddies at that time. I told her a lot of my redpill observations. She told me lots of her fears. But we decided to move through that. I was really frightened, such as I want to meet her, but can't, since I have had issue with my visa, and if I leave UK, I would never go back. Then I made a move - and bought her a visa to meet her in London. Told her straight away, that London is a fucking expensive place, that I would only afford living in a room, not much restaurants would be involved, etc. That was so fucking hard for me, but I decided that honesty > my shame. Thanks Andy, for helping me stay with this observation, it was really hard to switch in a such a short amount of time from complete redpill to a guy who listen and care. For 2 months we spoke every day, for 4 hours at least. Once there were a record, we spoke 11 hours straight. And stopped just because she need to go work It is a match from a heaven. I never spoke with such a wise person, yet to say, she is a woman! Her visa was refused. Next day I decided "fuck London, I want to bould my future with this person", packed, and moved from UK to Georgia. Yes, she is Ukrainian girl, I'm Russian citizen. We gonna merry in April. I have plan to travel with her around EU. She teaches me how to be soft and warm. I teach her how to stang her ground. I opened some of ideas to her, how typical men thinks. She opens my mind what women wants. We did it through the pain and refusal. Now we are much stronger. I even remember my surroindings from London told me I would regret: "you don' know her, don't leave London, she will use you".

Now we watching Andy's podcasts together. Planning our days \ plans together. Fighting for our relationships together. I lost plethora of fears and become much more confident, yet not angry (sounds strange, but I thought been ruthless as a starwing dog - is normal for a man).

All in all - follow your heart. Go through fears. Do what you want to do, don't ask for permission. Allow yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Be strong. And give your close ones the best of you.

[kAldown]

Hey guys. Long time no se

Still watching Andy's podcasts. Shared a lot of hours talking with my GF (almost wife) about the path I've passed and her path towards meaningful relationships.

I am coming back little by little.

A bit if description. In order to meet this sweet lady I have to leave London, including losing my job, losing visa, being Russian (on a time writing this post there is a war in Russia, so lots of places are rejecting russians), I have a few places to live. Not to say she is Ukrainian girl. Now I got almost full picture, so I would not be able to get back to UK, or EU. Back then I would only need to find a job to get a visa. Nowadays I have to live in a country (Georgia currently) for a year or so, then I have to commit somehow to this country to get residence permit, with this residence permit I can apply for Schengen visa to leave a country to some other place, then I have to rapidly find job in a new country and set my documents for a residence permit. That is just an example.

Yesterday I understand that I have couple ways to do this:
- find a job as a remote contractor for a big company in UK
- work few years in that company, meantime contributing in to my profession on a spare time
- write a book \ make an impact via blogs \ presentation in a meetups
- be great at my job so high manager of a company will write recognition letter
- apply for Exceptional talent visa
- leave Georgia

Even to find a job I have to study hard and spend lots of time for this. I'm ready for that shit.

First few months were hard, not only because I've never had a relationship, but including my tons of fears. But I stepped on their throats and walk over them. After few months we decided to marry. Wedding is going to be mid April this year.

In addition to the plan of getting harder into tech to leave my current country, I'm reading courses on how to become manager. This should help me to progress towards my carrier.

I paused doing physical exercises and lost 10kg and tons of muscles. Neither to say I've being poisoned twice already. Quality of groceries is far less than in UK.

Over all life is much less pleasant as it was in London. Yet now I'm with the person who is willing to dedicate with me. We are building our future together.

We talk much about relationship of others. Like watching movies and communicating through what we see and how we would better act. Progressing to build foundation.

There is plethora of stuff to handle. I am organising my live towards main goals. Listening to J.B.P. podcasts about self understanding. Trying to find why am I angry sometimes towards completely innocent acts of behaviour and so forth.

Main goals are next:
- get back to exercises
- do tech preparations
- gather points for my visa case
- understand myself better
- support my wife

Some cold ones, like finding what drives me outside of work. Yesterday we blacksmithed silver rings for each other. It was fun. I do like to work by hand. Have to find something like that.

I will try to write my day to day goals and achievements here again.
Thanks all you guys. I finally made my relationship. Now time to build life.

See ya

[kAldown]

26/03/2023 Sunday

Relationship goals:
- give some personal space and time for each other
- household duties
- time together in a fancy place and long walk
- discussing cases about each other view and relationship in particular
- making plans and adjust our future to the current circumstances

Personal goals:
- talked with the friend about time management, books, career ladder and possible ways to went to UK back again
- did a bit of home exercise + vacuum
- cleared out my cold task and rebuild current plan of living
- called parents to tell everything is alright with me

Career goals:
- discussed with a friend about possible project I could use to provide for my visa
- asked for ref into the job
- added 2 more countries to the possible pathway to get back to UK
- discussed a manager book with my wife (she also heard a lot about the book: 45 tattoos of a manager)
- tied my cold task to build a plan with the better foundation
- cleared vision a bit

Overall it was a great week.
After not working for half a year I had a very strong case of fear of being rejected by job hunters. Struggle on every case but pushed myself towards the necessity of finding a job. Thanks Sveta, she have balls to tell me in the eye: "don't run", and I accepted technical interview. Interestingly, the company I have bad expectations actually went very good, but the second tech interview in another company was the worst nightmare. Yet I stayed strong, didn't fell into the high amount of stress (yet smoked a cigarette, I'm not smoker btw).
Another win, I stopped playing video games. Since February I played witcher 3 every day for couple hours, not anymore and I don't want.
Looks like I'm getting back to the guy I used to be in London, but without fuckboy persona. Yet I still see dreams of having multiple womens, don't know where they comes from. Discussing this with my wife anyway, which increases our bond in a trustworthy relationships.

Will progress towards my main goals, and clear my vision overcoming obstacles. That's the plan for near future. Thanks Sveta, she will help me with that, plus, she know how to relax, and teach me how to do that properly.

Until next time folks

[kAldown]

Yesterday (Monday)

• Had 4 interviews
• Reached out new recruiters from LN
• Read first course of JBP podcast
• Searched for differences in Big5 aspects between me and Sveta and my friend
• Started doing journaling
• Did leetcode 3 easy tasks + mid
• Configured laptop with lots of tools for work
  - tmux
  - alacritty
  - fzf
  - git
  - calendar
  - raycast
• Helped Sveta blogpost telegra.ph
• Household duties
• Made plan for a week

Goal of a day:

• Get tasks in order to achieve my goals
• Track those tasks
• Do them and get feedback
• Repeat

Result:
success, with few tasks being moved to the next day

[kAldown]

Today (Tuesday)

• Talk deeply about relationship. Figured some issues and pronounce them loud. Fixed
• Answered most recruiters even throughout 2021 year
• Asked for ref from old colleague in Poland
• Did one med leetcode recursive and iterative
• Downloaded algorithms book
• Talked with GPT to practice leetcode
• Interviewed with recruiters
  - 1 potential success
• Applied to algo course in Coursera
  - Did first lesson
• Prepared to do tech interview for "auction house"
• Learned UnionFind + Kadane algos
  - Did 1 task for Kadane, with implementing algo and without
  - Asked GPT about similarities and deep explanation

Day goals:

• find ways to do leetcode better
• apply algo courses to day-to-day routine

Day result:

• Did what expected, with small task being moved next day.
• Unfortunately my student (I'm teaching my friend Python development) wasn't able to join today

Tomorrow plans:

• continue doing leetcode courses
• continue JBP courses
• answer interview
• prepare more interview
• household
• start doing pet project
• submit CV to more sites

Over all:

• hold whatever I have
• do more
• become better
• do not quit

cy

[kAldown]

Wednesday

Did for today:

• Call with broker company. Potentially Django role or Lead role. Remote or Dubai or UK
• Answer the ref for DeliveryHero if that has a role
• receive and gave feedback to a good recruiter
• catch a company with visa sponsorship and pushed towards an interview
• configured mail and calendar for my needs
• Journaling my Interview
• found avg salary for contractor
• another level for Algo course on coursera
• one mid task in leetcode
• found tons of info about work on remote
• asked why there are restrictions for remote workers from one employer
• got info from a friend about how to work remotely
• Helped Sveta with project
• Discussed day rate and future plans for my job with Sveta

Goal of the day:
Tons of interviews. Push to the next round

Missed for today:

• Gym
• JBP
• Managing course

Overall is a great day. Pushed a lot of limits.

CY guys

[kAldown]

Thursday

There is no point of copy-pasting from my journal. So I would rather make a note for most valuable points from a day.

Today I went to the meetup to get info about the current situation for dev market and how to get out from this country.
Took contacts of 2 girls. Being invited to the local group of devs. Which I would use to gather info about how to become IC here, and is there any chance to get residence permit for russians. Then I've been suggested to one closed community, will figure out does 20euros worth it or not (probably yes, since I need more sources of information). And met another dude who had even more interesting story that I do. He was in UK for 5 years (5.5 years to receive ILR, and after a year you can get passport), but during the UK shit medicine he had to go back to Russia to heal, and lost his visa. Now he also stuck. Yet he had some friends who can pay to gov to receive visa. He can go next year to Germany. He also suggested me to go to the Germany, since it is one of the easiest way to receive documents. I also thought about UAE. Will see.

Overall great day.
Accomplished a lot of stuff.
Even listened to JBP podcasts and were very encouraged. He talked about why suppressing males in school is s shit idea and how the idea of being submissive is proclaimed bad from society.
Great guy!




My junior student had problems again. I think she won't stay committed for long. Up to her. Need to find another source of practice my teaching skills.

CY

[kAldown]

Friday

Today I have had an interview with the company I most liked. I honestly answered every question pushing my line, even though I thought it would show me in negative way. But I wanted to be open and transparent, because I want that from my colleagues. Interview went well. Next Tuesday I would have an interview with CTO of a company. Still looking for more offers, I should not stop until success.
Then we did health checks. Walked around the city. Drinked coffee, talking about children and family picture. Then we went to the shop, Sveta bought some stuff while I have had more interviews on phone. Half of them went extremely well. Then we went back home and prepared to leave this city back to our own home.

Idk why I again telling all of that, probably because I am tired. In a good way.
Overall what is the experience from the day. Stand your way. Do not bend. But be agile. Make a plan. Do your best. As always. Strive and you will succeed. I am grateful for this interview and for Sveta's suggestions telling me I will find a good spot for my temperament and I grateful for all she did to me.

CY guys

[kAldown]

Saturday

Yesterday we moved from Capital of Georgia to our place in Batumi. Here is much better. People are more aggressive here and standing to say what they think, which I like, rather than passive aggressive bitches who secretly hate me for being russian. Weather is wilder. There were earthquakes and hurricane already within a month. Much colder in winter and much hotter in summer. In case of Georgia, capital city is still too small for calling it a useful place to live, compare to Moscow, Kiev or London. So I would rather stay here until I figure out how to escape. Then we have a deep conversation about my fears to be unworthy. Thanks Sveta she pointed out that I'm on a good path and will achieve what I want no matter what.

[kAldown]

Sunday

Have to move lot's of tasks for the next week. Trying to stick with the most relevant to my close goals:
- leedcoding
- learning algos
- getting info for visa
- preparing for the interviews

Today I have a strange feeling. Connection with Sveta were very deep since morning. We managed to do lots of stuff 'till the first half of a day. Then suddenly, out from nowhere, I was very rude to her genuine question. Tried to understand the symptoms - no luck. Confirmed my rudeness and apologized. Then came back home to follow up with the tasks. We should talk about it, since there is the first clunch in my memory, which is not resolved. Seems like stress is playing huge role in my toughness and I could push away really hard, without paying enough attention to my temperament.

Set a remind about it. Will work on.

On a positive note: We made homemade burgers and drunk some Beilis with hot chocko. And I solved very hard task within an hour (it voted as medium, still I think this is hard to code).

Made some progress toward understanding that I will be here longer. Preparing my flat and work environment. Surrounding myself with connections. Have to think about finances in addition. Good point!

CY

[kAldown]

Today we were in a Jurisdiction house and asked about set of documents required to set a marriage. Adjusted my plans to accomplish this in a few weeks. Then I asked how to trick a system to register as individual contributor. Found the ways. Need to find proper people and do the work. Don't know yet about the laws and taxes. Will do that after the marriage.

About the observations. I distinguished my friends by the groups. I do appreciate brutal honesty, such as I respect friends who aren't afraid to say to me what they actually feel, rather than blaming me. Which is interesting. The quality kind of friends appeared in my life spontaneously and stay there for a long time (15+ years). Whilst friends who I invest more time and effort, remain same after 5+ years, and I do not respect them as much as those who aggressive enough.

Found a pretty nice gym. Fuck my life it costs 50 gbp. In Georgia. Why so expensive, motherfuckers!
Need to make my own gym in a flat
Such a cheap bastard I am

Sveta suggested help with our family tasks. So glad I have her.

We touched a yesterday incident where I were too direct and unapologetic with the way I see her style sometimes, yet she appreciated my additional comments: "although I don't find this outfit pleasant, I still want you to feel comfortable wearing whatever you like, no matter do I like it or not. I need you to stay strong".

Again. Glad I have her in my life. It is mutual.

CY

[kAldown]

Today was another day.
At the very morning a lot of small tasks to do. Sveta's mom birthday. And the rest, leaving me far behind my duties. Lets forward the day to the evening. After the dinner at the restaurant, Sveta, Sveta's mom and dad, and me, decided to take a walk. We went to the coffee place, but I do not like "bad" coffee, and proposed everyone to go to the close one speciality coffee. When I asked to brew me V60, I suddenly realised that Sveta's mood changed from good, to anger. I asked to brew only one cup, and leave for a walk. After the walk I asked "why are you so angry?". With this questions, conversation about my inability to read people's mood started to reveal itself. The actual problem was in a desire of other pears to eat a cake, not to drink a coffee. I realised that everyone were pissed off by my attitude, but I refused to take it personally. My claim was: "since I do not like bad coffee, I proposed to go to the other one, if you want to eat cake - just tell this to me straight away. I refuse to guess what's on your mind". I stand my ground, but learn some things to read the room properly. I do believe still, that it's not my obligation to ask for peoples desire. I do what I want to do. I take responsibility for that. I can help my loved ones. But I won't take responsibility for others inability to stand their ground, even if they are my family.

This conversation repeated multiple times next few hours. But get to the conclusion. Each learned something from other one's opinion. We become better after the storm.

I glad we are stronger than that.

Would be even better.

CY

[kAldown]

Wednesday

Yesterday (Tuesday) evening we decided I will work less intensively in order to not to burnout. Yet today I woke up and started following my schedule. Even during the breakfast, Sveta asked me to put the phone away, I refused. The mood in a room decreased. That day was very important interview to me, so I have to work hard. And I did. Interview was successful. Everyone liked me.

At the evening we went for a walk and I tried to make my point on why I was so rude. She understand, yet, without pushing me away. But I hugged her calmly and firmly. I gave her promise that I won't let her get away with bullshit if I will feel like that. With this I think she is free from punishing herself, from her own thoughts, without asking me.
^ This could be hard to understand. Let me explain. She thinks sometimes that my "behaviour" is the response of her acting badly. But I do not behave, and definitely not reacting. Most of the bad thoughts she had from her own mind. I am helping her understand that I love her, and do not want to harm.

Also I made my translation for documents. Tomorrow I will try to sing marriage documents.

CY