Crimson’s Progress Log

[natedawg]

Rooting for you brotha, you got it. One day at a time.

[Crimson]

Rooting for you brotha, you got it. One day at a time.

For sure, thank you very much.

[Crimson]

5 min. outside a day

The coaching client of Andy gave me a challenge to go outside and try to talk to girls for 5 min. a day and that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two days. Better than nothing.


Crimson

[Crimson]

Coaching Call #1 (With the Coaching Client of Andy)

I’m finally coming around to posting the lessons I’ve learned in the first coaching call (This was a week and a half ago):

•Acknowledge/Adress the root cause behind your Self-Harming.

•Don’t be too hard on yourself regarding the deadline of your goals.

•You only fail when you quit.

•Reframe the deadline of your goal not as a day of failure (if you don’t achieve your goal) but as a opportunity to reflect on your progress so far.

•Regarding the days where you do nothing at all: Ask yourself if you had the intention of doing something. As long as that intention is there, you’ve made progress, even if it’s only psychological.

•You don’t have to fix your mental-health completely. Remember GLL: You just have to get to that above-average level and that will be enough.

•Use the slight-edge: If there is an action that you want to take that you feel overwhelmed by, ask yourself: „Can I do this?“. If the answer is yes, ask yourself: „WILL I do this?“, If the answer is no, break that action down until you also answer that question with a yes.

•You are allowed to change your goals (This doesn’t make you a hypocrite), as long as you’re working on SOMETHING.

•Relax, you will eventually get laid (Remember GLL).




A lot of this seems to boil down too: „Don’t be too hard on yourself.“ (Feel free to correct me if I haven’t interpreted this correctly). This shows me that I haven’t been my greatest ally.

I will post this both in my progress log as well as in my mental-health log, as these lessons are both dating and mental-health related.


Crimson

[Crimson]

What I did today (WED 16/11/22):

•Walked outside for 5min.

•Did a little bit of swiping on OLD

•Read a few pages of a book on learning CBT

•Cleaned my room

Babysteps forward, but I skipped school again. I won’t beat myself up, but it was me who decided not to go to school today, not any perceived mental-illness I may/may not have, or anything/one else.

I might need professional help regarding my mental health though, I don‘t how to go on. At least I’m working on it and figuring it out, but it’s getting out of control.

I will wait until Friday (the day of the coaching call with Andy) and see what he says.

TAKE ACTION

Crimson

[Adam]

the slight-edge: If there is an action that you want to take that you feel overwhelmed by, ask yourself: „Can I do this?“. If the answer is yes, ask yourself: „WILL I do this?“, If the answer is no, break that action down until you also answer that question with a yes.

This is important to remember. Truth is that if someone had a gun to your head there is almost nothing you couldn't do. But there is no gun to your head, it's all on you to motivate yourself. So the question becomes not what can you do but what are you actually willing to do?

[Rod]

Hey mate,

Great log, props for sticking to it. I can relate to a lot of what you're going through, thought I'd offer my two cents.

Going out just to cold approach works for some but I think there's a better way. When I went out just to cold approach, I'd feel weird because it's not natural. And when I'd fail I'd feel both weird and like a failure.

What I found (credit to GLL Chris) is that the goal should be to make "meeting girls" part of your lifestyle. I like working from cafe's so I'd make a point of working from cafe's and be sociable, chat with the baristas, people in line, girl sitting next to me. Sometimes I'd walk there instead of taking the bus because I'd pass more girls that way. I'd take breaks and go outside, again to pass more girls.

Three things happened.

1) I talked to more girls because the pressure was off, I didn't feel weird and the goal was just small talk, I was just doing my thing and they happened to be there.
2) I became a regular so all the staff knew me, small-talk became natural. (Obviously pick a place with hot staff)
3) Even if I did not get any numbers, I didn't feel like I'd wasted my time because I was there working.

Also, I eventually fucked the barista.

Bottomline, I planned my day to maximise the number of girls I'd meet to take the pressure off. I think becoming a regular some place and just getting used to small-talk could work wonders for you as well.

[Crimson]

the slight-edge: If there is an action that you want to take that you feel overwhelmed by, ask yourself: „Can I do this?“. If the answer is yes, ask yourself: „WILL I do this?“, If the answer is no, break that action down until you also answer that question with a yes.

This is important to remember. Truth is that if someone had a gun to your head there is almost nothing you couldn't do. But there is no gun to your head, it's all on you to motivate yourself. So the question becomes not what can you do but what are you actually willing to do?

This. It’s a very important question indeed. I’ll have to figure out a way to always have that question with me so I don’t forget it. Asking that question in those moments can be the difference between me at least doing something rather than nothing.

[Crimson]

I've suffered from extreme mental illness my whole life. And don't take this the wrong way, but the only thought that enters my mind reading it is

I wish I was fucking 20 again. And I would be absolutely killing it by now if I was. I can't even believe how stupid I was that I wasted so much of that time. I can't even imagine all the amazing shit I could have done going back if I knew what I know now.

Don't know if that means anything to you, but take it as you will.

It does mean something to me, I get what you’re saying. I’m very grateful to have found this community at such a young age.

[Crimson]

Hey mate,

Great log, props for sticking to it. I can relate to a lot of what you're going through, thought I'd offer my two cents.

Going out just to cold approach works for some but I think there's a better way. When I went out just to cold approach, I'd feel weird because it's not natural. And when I'd fail I'd feel both weird and like a failure.

What I found (credit to GLL Chris) is that the goal should be to make "meeting girls" part of your lifestyle. I like working from cafe's so I'd make a point of working from cafe's and be sociable, chat with the baristas, people in line, girl sitting next to me. Sometimes I'd walk there instead of taking the bus because I'd pass more girls that way. I'd take breaks and go outside, again to pass more girls.

Three things happened.

1) I talked to more girls because the pressure was off, I didn't feel weird and the goal was just small talk, I was just doing my thing and they happened to be there.
2) I became a regular so all the staff knew me, small-talk became natural. (Obviously pick a place with hot staff)
3) Even if I did not get any numbers, I didn't feel like I'd wasted my time because I was there working.

Also, I eventually fucked the barista.

Bottomline, I planned my day to maximise the number of girls I'd meet to take the pressure off. I think becoming a regular some place and just getting used to small-talk could work wonders for you as well.

Yes, I remember GLL Chris talking about this. I can totally see how this would help me, not only in terms of getting laid, but also in terms of increasing my social skills and well-being. I’ll make a plan to put that into action, thank you for your insight (I’m now two cents richer!).

[Crimson]

Coaching Call with Andy

I finally had that coaching call with Andy and I’ve learned a bunch of valuable stuff. The main issue that he tackled with me was me believing that I’m a bad person for all the self-defined bad stuff I did in the past and how this belief is holding me back from achieving my goals.

He advised me to tackle this belief as a main priority (I will still try to get laid, go to the gym ect. it will just not be as important as this). He also gave me some “homework” to do:



1. What kind of human being do I want to be?

-Write down all the qualities/attributes that that person has

-What can I do to become the person that has this attribute?

(For example: I choose „kind“ as an attribute that I would like to have. I then ask myself what I can do to be kind —> Help strangers with groceries, volunteer, speak to the elderly ect.)

-Assign each positive action I take to become more kind (or any other chosen attribute) „karmic points“ (explained below)


2. Write a list of all the bad things you’ve done in the past:

-Assign each of the bad actions I’ve taken „karmic points“ (explained below)

-Who would I be if I wasn’t beating myself up about these things?

-How can I go about making it right?




3. Make a list of 15-20 things that each of you’re parents have done for you which you’re grateful for

-This homework comes from the last question that I’ve written in the „Hopeless and Helpless“ post:

-I will give the list to each of my parents after I wrote it




4. Ask yourself: Is God on my side? Yes or No?

-Write this question down on a piece of paper and split the remaining space into a „Yes“ section and a „No“ section. Everytime you see evidence that God is on your side, write that evidence down in the „yes“ section.





Karmic debt:

Andy explained to me that I believe I’m a bad person because I believe that I have accumulated „Karmic debt“ by doing all those self-defined bad things (He also made me realize that me harming myself is an attempt to at least pay some of that debt back. Note: It’s not a very effective method to do so, but I’ll discuss this further in my mental health log).

Eitherway, I’m planning on paying that debt back.



Andy said I could gamify this process, by assigning each of the bad things that I will list in „2.“ karmic points. The amount will obviously vary depending on how bad I perceive the action I took to be (For example: „Bullied a kid in elementary school“= 2,000 kp). I will add it all up and that will be my karmic debt.

I would then pay off that debt (or at least part of it) by doing something related to the bad action I made (In this example, I could do something like this: „Text the kid you bullied and apologize“= 1,000 kp) or perhaps just by doing a good deed in general.

I will do the same with the list of attributes in „1.“, meaning: If I for example tackle being a more kind person first and decide to help a stranger with their groceries and I’ve assigned „Help stranger with their groceries“ 50 kp, that means I would have paid off 50 kp of my debt.

This principle applies to myself as well, meaning if I do something positive (In this example kind) for myself (For example: Looking in the mirror and saying „I love you“ for 1 min.=100kp, that will also count toward paying off my karmic debt.

I will make that list with the assigned values tomorrow.

Feel free to correct me if you think that the karmic points I assign to each action is either to high or to low!

You’re also more than welcome to suggest methods of paying off the debt of each bad action, or just Name any positive action that comes to mind


Crimson

[Crimson]

I think this will be a very fun way to live your life - going around trying to give as much value and love to other people as you possibly can (remember to give some of that value/kindness to yourself of course). I'm excited for you.

Thank you, i'm excited as well, I can definitely see myself having a lot of fun with this.

[Crimson]

Calculating karmic debt:

Alright, before answering all the questions of Andy’s homework, I would like to figure out my karmic debt. There will probably be some things I’m not comfortable sharing, so for those I will just put „private bad action“ (short: „pbd“) and assign the karmic points that I think are appropriate.

Since you won’t know the context of those „private actions“ you’ll probably just have to roll with the kp that I assign that action and trust that I’m being fair with myself, haha.




Karmic debt:

•Bullied a kid in elementary school (Context:He had ADHD, which I gave him shit for, I remember running after him while he was crying and when he fell down trying to run away from me, I stomped him repeatedly while he was on the ground)= 2,000kp

•Bullied another kid in elementary school with my friends (Context: I don’t remember what I did, but it must have been quite something, because the kids parents contacted the police. The police then made us stop bully the kid.)= 2,000 kp

•Unfollowed Basketball Girl (Context: I try to invite her over two times, she rejects both times and responds „cold and passively“, I get butthurt and unfollow her and stop texting her entirely, without communicating with her)= 800kp

•Made a kid piss themselves (unintentionally) [Context: I’m a kindergarten teacher in progress, and there’s some kids that still have to clean up a room they played in. I make them do so. One of the kids says that they have to go to the toilet, but I tell them they have to clean up first.

All the other kids are already playing outside and after „my“ kids are done cleaning up, they join them quickly, including the one that needs to piss - Without going to the toilet first. This results in them pissing their pants outside and getting a bit of shit from the other teachers.

I can still remember the kid looking back at me in confusion while being dragged to another room to get cleaned up. I didn’t tell the teachers that it was my fault the kid didn’t go to the toilet.]= 2,000 kp

•“private bad action“ 1= 3,000kp

•“pbd“ 2= 5,000 kp

•“pbd“ 3= 5,000 kp

•“pbd“ 4= 5,000 kp

•“pbd“ 5= 5,000 kp

•All the times I skipped school (across lifetime)= 3,000 kp

•All the times I lied (across lifetime)= 3,000 kp

•All the times I stole money from my parents (Context:Didn’t do that a lot of times, 5-6 times max. in my lifetime)= 3,000 kp

•Tricked my sisters into breaking the TV (Context: I was a child back then. Told them something magical would happen if they broke the TV (with plastic flutes). They did and one of them got the punishment)= 3,500 kp

•All the times I beat myself up (not literally, across lifetime)= 3,000 kp

•Cheating in exams (across lifetime)= 1,500 kp

•Being mean to my parents (across lifetime)= 2,000 kp

•Being mean to my siblings (across lifetime)= 1,500 kp

•Being mean to my friends (across lifetime)= 1,500 kp

•Stole the beyblade tip from another kid (in elementary school)= 100 kp

•Pulled the hair of a girl I was in love with in kindergarten because she kept running away from me (lol)= 100 kp

•Bullied a girl in elementary school (Context: Either once or a few times, by calling her slurs I don’t remember, she responded by calling me the N-Word later which made me cry lol)= 500 kp

•Called my friend names until he wanted to beat me up (in elementary school)= 300 kp

•Passively bullied two girls in 5th and 7th grade= 300 kp

•Insulted my best friends mom in 8th grade (Context: Said it to him, I said something like „Fuck your mom“ or something= 300 kp

•Almost started a fight with one of my friends (9th grade)= 300 kp

•Threw my own phone in the bushes and acted like I lost it when my parents asked me (10th grade, I did it for a trivial reason to say the least)= 300 kp

Total karmic debt: 53,900 kp




I think this is all, I will edit this if I remember anything else. Or just make a new post with the updated karmic debt.

Like I said, you’re more than welcome to make suggestions on how to pay off the debt for each bad action, or tell me wether you think the kp I assigned to each action is fair.


Crimson

[Crimson]

•Unfollowed Basketball Girl (Context: I try to invite her over two times, she rejects both times and responds „cold and passively“, I get butthurt and unfollow her and stop texting her entirely, without communicating with her)= 800kp

I’ve already paid this debt off yesterday. Props to Andy, I asked him what I should text her (because I wanted to see her again) and he said:

What would you say to her if you didn’t need anything from her at all? Not a meet up, not making amends and no lay. What would you tell her then?



Here’s how that conversation went:


Me: Hey Basketball Girl, I just unfollowed you like that and I haven’t texted you for a while now. I’m sorry about that. I think that you’re a really cool person that I really like to hangout with.

Her: All good, I know that my responses started getting cold and passive, it’s all cool.

Me: Alright, good. I thought that you might not want to see me anymore back then.

Her: Yeah, I’m not sure wether I want to or not.

Me: All good, either way I wish you all the best.

Her: Thank you, same to you.






That’s it. It was really scary to text her, but I did it. Now I can move on in a healthy way, she probably feels better now as well. And I don’t have to worry about running into her anymore when I’m outside.

(My city is not small, but you tend to run into people you know. Also God has a sense of humor and he would definitely make sure that I ran into her in the most awkward way possible, lol.)

Note: I actually saw her twice at the exact same traffic light where I first approached her since we stopped seeing each other, but I don’t think she saw me.

This is what I mean by God has a sense of humor





In this case I would say that apologizing to her is worth the 800 kp of unfollowing her, let me know if you disagree or if that’s fair.

Apologize to Basketball Girl= 800 kp

53,900 kp - 800 kp= 53,100 kp

New total karmic debt: 53,100 kp

[Bman]

@Crimson really really good on you for taking up this exercise and following through with it.

I did something similar in the past a few years ago, apologizing to all the people I may have ever hurt or done evil to. I did things like donating money to make up for the items I stole from a gas station once and apologizing to a kid I was a real asshole to once in high school (because I was trying to impress a girl. The things women do to you sometimes.)

It will help you see your own humanity and to own all of it. The good and the evil. In fact you will realize those labels don't hold as much weight as you think. You will see there is much grey in the world, than black and white. You will have greater empathy towards others. You will greater empathy towards yourself.

A great book to go along with process is Jordan Petersons "12 Rules for Life". He will tell you to face your own evil.

It's pretty high level and I don't recommend it right now, but after you have gone through this experience and get a more visceral and intimate knowledge of your own capacity for good or evil, maybe come back to this and have a read of Nietzsche's "Beyond Good and Evil".

Again, really really good work man. You're doing great.