PillowDrifter's progress log

[PillowDrifter]

Tinder:
- Organized a three-date with Feeld girl and a girl we met last Thursday in a bar. Initially, all were down for a meeting, but Feeld girl flaked at the last minute as she said it was too much pressure. Spend the rest of the day with the bar girl and ended up back to my place. The bar girl left the town tomorrow and Feeld girl said she need time to think about us. I don't feel great about this as we were excited to date together the day before and this happened.

-Went for a second date with an old bumble date. She preferred to stay friends as she find we went too quickly last time. I think I'll keep less and less contact as she's very busy with her studies.

Addictions:
-Meditate and 3 cigarettes

[PillowDrifter]

Gym :
- went in the gym for 1 hour, rotated between biceps/triceps/bench trench and Bulgarian split squat (1/3 from current gym goal).

Tinder :
-Matched with two girls and currently asking for their number
-Replace some pictures with new ones from the holiday photoshoot
-Have a date tomorrow with Feeld girl to discuss what went wrong and how we can communicate with more honesty (hope to achieve the brutal one kind)

Jobs :
-Writing a cover letter for a Ph.D. position
-Coding on leetcode

Addictions:
-3 cigarettes and using meditations to fight the urge of others ones.

[PillowDrifter]

Fitness :
- Went to the gym (2/3 from current gym goal).

Jobs:
- Received a test from a company to complete by the end of this month, I can ask for advice and will with some math friends.
- One of my referees warned me about my bad results when I was his student and advised me to write strong cover letters
- Saw some videos about cover letters and took some notes for later purpose

Dating :
- Matched with four persons on Tinder and two on Bumble (the pictures from the photoshoot improved results greatly!)
- Set a date for next Saturday (it is the examination period at her university)
- Had a date with Feeld girl about our research of a third partner and we agreed first to spend more time before she feels ready to meet other people (she's very anxious about dating).
- Went to a bar and asked a girl for her number, it went well.

Addiction:
- 2 cigarettes
- No alcohol today
- Reading When I say no I feel guilty

[PillowDrifter]

I stopped writing for a quick trip, it's been a time when I felt I was losing focus on my goals. I went through a short relapse and had a long discussion with my parents about life drive as I feel I lack one. They were very helpful in finding a way to action and I understood that I couldn't find one when fear of failure is the main emotion about my goals. Decided to go all-in for the next two months in only 3 directions: getting a job, having a 3some, and getting better mentally.

Getting a job:
- Subscribed for three Coursera lectures to develop skills for the challenge, stopped at week 2.
- Asked a friend for some advice on coding.

Dating and 3some :
- Organized date with Feeld girl Friday, I have planned to go to a bar and check how we feel about dating together with another girl.
- Got a number on tinder with Andy's template.
- Talked with Math girl about 3some, she said she is not into girls, but if it goes with the flow why not (that's something)

Mental health and addiction:
- 2 cigarettes, weirdly I didn't feel the urge to smoke them strongly as before. I was relaxing my pressure not to smoke and it made the impression of being addicted less powerful, making it easier to say no.
- Journaling
- Reading When I say no I feel guilty

[PillowDrifter]

Getting a job:
- Advance in lectures

Dating and 3some :
- Date on Friday went well and she prefers to take some time before dating non-exclusively again
- Date of tonight went a little less well as after some thought, she didn't feels comfortable going into a nonserious relationship. However, by just letting go, I didn't feel rejection but some kind of nice peaceful feeling.
- Went to the gym for 1 hour.

Mental health and addiction:
- 3 cigarettes
- Journaling
- Reading When I say no I feel guilty

[PillowDrifter]

Progressively going into a passive phase as I manage my sleep and my working time badly. I do feel hopeless sometimes to achieve my goals and have no ideas how to do them even though there are so many resources and cool people out there to reach. It's almost as if a part of me wants me to fail constantly, it may be that inner loser. Let's prove him wrong.

Getting a job:
- Spend the day programming for developing skills in future interviews
- Received some job applications opportunities from friends

Dating and 3some :
- Well nothing to see there, I was letting go of most of my dates as I don't feel good about dating and meeting after some girls I dated for months just stopped responding. Its time to take new pictures, send 10x more messages, and try different approaches to relationships (living to experiment).
- Went to the gym

Mental health and addiction:
- 4 cigarettes
- Journaling (this one help a lot! Especially writing dark thoughts and then comment them with kind jokes. It's kinda as if someone was here to analyze the fears and shows you that they are actually there to help you find what's wrong and how to surpass them)
- Reading Loving what is

[PillowDrifter]

Jobs:
-send 2 applications

Dating:
-had two dates, the first was just a coffee break as she had to take a train and the second ended with a kiss.

Addictions:
-5 cigarettes, play some guitar to pass the need.

[PillowDrifter]

Jobs:
- Coded on leetcode

Dating:
- Yesterday's date kindly made clear she wasn't into non-serious relations.
- Went jogging

Addictions:
-4 cigarettes
-Reading

[PillowDrifter]

Back after some time, felt I was letting myself down.

Jobs:
- Send an application

Dating:
- I have slacked on my relationships and they are practically all gone except one. It was a little depressing to feel relationships fade away but it's an occasion to start again while focusing on myself.
- Started again AA approach from week 6 with a friend in the park. Could only ask the time to two people but its a good start
- Played around with a DSLR camera to learn how to have good lighting for further pictures.
- Went jogging for 1 hour

Addictions:
- 4 cigarettes
- Videos of Dr. Gabor Mate
- Gratitude exercises in a personal journal

[PillowDrifter]

Alright continuing

Jobs:
- Nothing

Dating:
- Started again fitness pal
- Went to the street to continue AA week 6, could only speak to one person about the direction of a supermarket.
- Change Tinder profile pictures for more recent ones

Addictions:
- 5 cigarettes
- Gratitude exercises in a personal journal

[PillowDrifter]

The self-improvement starts anew.

Jobs:
- Applied in a research group, now writing cover letters is straightforward.
- Made contact with a bank employee that can refer me when I'll apply for a position (and some sweet money).

Dating:
- Attempt on week 6 of AA program: asked 5 girls where I could find the nearest pharmacy and train station. Missed the opportunity to talk with a very cute girl as I pussied out. I kinda liked the rush of adrenaline and it motivated me to start again and succeed.

- I realized that it was my anxiety and that I should cure it not only for me but for all the people who kinda suffered from it (my family, exes, and friends). I felt a sense of peace and relief from this thought and ill stick with it.

- Tried remote-controlled sex toy with a date who is currently in another country.

Addictions:
- 1 cigarette
- Gratitude exercises

[PillowDrifter]

Jobs:
-Applied for 3 jobs

Dating:
-went jogging to lose weight
-went to a date, it went well but she was not ready to kiss and go back home.
-used a boost on Tinder, got 7 matches

Addiction:
-0 cigarettes today!

[PillowDrifter]

Jobs:
-Organized a meeting with an entrepreneur with the same background as I

Dating:
-Used a boost and matched with 5 girls, got an Instagram

Addiction:
-Stopped cigarettes
-Was sick so I concentrated on meditating and reading

[PillowDrifter]

Jobs:
-Done some leetcode

Dating:
- still having hard coughs so pushing gym and jogging for later.
- Used a boost and got 5 matches, got one number.
- Attempt on AA day 6 and Andy challenge : did ask directions to 3 girls and gave compliments to 2 strangers about their jackets and clothes (one of them even removed its jacket to show me the brand)

Addictions:
- Meditation
- 0 cigarettes

[PillowDrifter]

Have to keep the consistency of journaling but not much is happening right now.

Jobs:
-Nothing

Dating:
-It's been too long since I haven't been to the gym and it can be felt on my body. I have subscribed again for a monthly pass since there was an offer and ill go tomorrow.
-Had three matches on Bumble and the conversations were meh.
-Went to a party and got a number.
-I have also pouted the AA program for too long and it's just week 1. Ill take back day 7 tomorrow while I'm in town.

Addictions and mental health :
-It's been three days without smoking.
-Sent a mail to see my therapist again as I was having a depressive relapse. Now I just want to get rid of crippling social anxiety. I feel I'm losing my friends and non-serious relationships due to my being super passive.