Day 61
Actions taken:
- Affirmations
- 2nd meditation in the afternoon
- Went on date & didn't chase
Had a date, pulled, tops off, but no lay. I was feeling pretty indifferent yesterday before going into the date. Neither excited nor put off by having the date later. The girl was 33yo, cute, fit, but not like DNA tuggingly hot. Also went in assuming the yes with this one, so I really felt that this girl needed to either give little resistance or make an impression on me because I did not feel like overcoming resistance yesterday.
We had the date at the coffee bar and sat inside. The seats inside only have one long bench along the wall and a single seat on the other side of a bistro table. Originally we sat opposite of each other, with her on the bench, so I just got up and sat next to her. She talked about psychedelics, being a coach, recently exploring her sexuality more, "calling things into her life", and so on. Again, I was feeling pretty indifferent and did not really feel like talking so I was not investing much at all. I asked a couple questions, gave deep eye contact when I felt like it, and just let her go on. I could tell when she's nervous she talks.
At one point she mentioned, "Oh, if I'm talking too much please stop me."
"Trust me. I'll let you know."
She'd recently experienced being whipped and wanted to show me the marks on her back. So she turned around and took her overshirt off. I ran my hand over her back beneath the straps of her tank top feeling the marks. I do wish I had practiced more touching escalation during the date, but this was at least a start.
We talked a bit about boundaries, other partners, ect. Then I went for the pull.
"My place is close. Let's go back."
"And what would you like to unfold there?"
"I'd be up for playing tonight (
if you make this easy)."
*Closes eyes* "Hmm, I've never done more than making out on the first date."
Ok. We'll see about that.
We left for my place. Here I wish I would have started the makeout in the car before going into the apartment. But we got in, she played with the dog a bit, complimented me on how well trained she was and sat down in the one chair in my apartment. I put music on, took off my jacket and sat on the bed. Immediately I told her to come sit with me. We chatted briefly again for minute before I pulled her in to kiss. She was actually a decent kisser which was nice. She also loved playing with me beard.
Then she pulled away...
"I'm just saying what is feeling present for me right now. I'm a little nervous..."
"I'm not nervous. But it's ok to be nervous."
...and I pulled her back in.
She mentioned a tantra retreat she's going on in 2 weeks so I asked her if shed ever had tantric sex, she replied no, so I showed her the yab yum pose, pulling her body onto my lap. We made out more before I threw her into the bed to aggressively makeout and bite her. Here I escalated with my shirt off > pulling her shirt to the side to bite on one breast > getting her shirt off.
When I told her to take her shirt off she said ok but the pants were going to stay on tonight. From the beginning I knew her puzzle was two things: being very spiritual and wanting to be overtaken by a very dominant guy. She's a masochist brat who wants to give resistance and be taken. There were a few times as we wrestled around while making out that she wanted to see how strong I was and resist me pinning her down (which she utterly failed lol).
To be honest, after the long week I had and especially dealing with the incident with my mother a few days earlier, I didn't feel like being aggressive. I felt like being treated like a king, rather than a warrior. What I needed was a very feminine woman, with bubbly energy and soft, serving touch. Something like Cinderella Girl. Or the young, lusty energy of Wednesday Girl or Dancer Girl. I also mentioned this girl was cute, not so hot that she could have pulled out of me that aggressive dominance because I wanted to fuck her so much. So I did not feel much like having sex, at least not the kind she may have wanted then. So I just enjoyed her company, had her rub my shoulders some, made out a bunch, bit her nipples pretty hard to make her squirm everywhere, and chatted a bit.
She was funny because she was mentioning that it was a big step for her to take her shirt off so quickly. She was saying that she likes to have boundaries but can be persuaded to push them...
"I don't want this to happen tonight. But like, if the guy starts sliding his hand down my pants, I can give consent by not saying no. Or I can just pull his hand up and say not tonight and..."
I just looked her dead in the eye mid sentence, smirked, and said "I know that. If I had wanted to do that tonight I could have. I didn't feel like it tonight."
She ended up telling me later that her biggest fantasy is to be taken and forced by a really strong man. Totally called that. I told her it was pretty normal for her to fantasize about that.
During our conversation I mentioned getting up at 4:30am and usually in bed at 8 or 9.
"Oh then I should probably see myself out soon."
"I'll kick you out when I want you out." Which I could see her physically relax some.
You're here because I'm allowing you to be here. I'm just enjoying your company.
We chatted about schedules next week.
"So I'm sensing you'd still like to hang out together again?"
Oh B. You made this girl a bit self conscious. Have a little more empathy next time.
"Yeah. I'd be up for it."
She also grabbed my Fet which made me laugh to myself because she is going to see the pictures of me fucking Spiritual Girl that I just uploaded earlier this week.
As we got dressed she needed to undo her pants to tuck her shirt in. So I stopped her, bent over and bit her panty line and snapped them against her. Just as one final reminder that had I wanted to, I would have. Walked her down to her car, pinned her against it, and kissed her goodbye.
Now in my eyes, what I failed to do here was more explicitly make my desires known. This girl didn't know what I needed and I didn't tell her. She really likes being told what to do, so had I told her what I needed she may have been willing to shift to that soft feminine energy. Or after taming her brattiness she could have sunk into that. I just wasn't turned on enough to make the effort. I did tell her I like being called Daddy and if she mixed that with her brattiness, begged, or if she moaned loudly I get really turned on. She was shy to do those things still. I'd also asked her to show me her massage skills after she said she had learned some recently. So at least I wasn't totally silent what I wanted.
Also, after having sex with Dancer Girl, I was really wanting younger, tighter girls. And I knew there would be another girl in this same spot next week or I could call over a plate if I really wanted sex. So this girl was going to have to do something to really turn me on right then. I was feeling pretty entitled, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But just like she had not shown me why I should be aggressively dominant towards her, I had not shown her why she should fully submit to me in the way I wanted. I can have a lot of fun being a brat tamer, just not what I needed yesterday.
So chalking this up to a mismatch of desires at that moment in time. I'm up for seeing her again if she fits in with my schedule. I could see myself having fun with her when I'm feeling like being aggressive. And I enjoy her company. But also equally indifferent if we don't end up hooking up. I'm not going out of my way to chase her.
