Brandon’s 365 Days of Masculine, Self-affirming Action: Days 278-283

[Bman]

Day 123

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Went to a different munch

Felt pretty comfortable and confident in myself. There were not any women I was paticuraly attracted to so I just mingled, promoted my munch, and spoke up during the big "roundtable" discussion. Still surprises me how many submissive men come to these. I was one of the few men there identifying as a "Dom".

[AskTheDom]

I was one of the few

If you see in FetLife how many guys claim they are Dom, but in reality are weak snakes hunting for pussy.

Being a Dom, when you know what it means, it's fucking hard work.

[Bman]

Day 124

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Went out to CA

I went out in the morning for a little bit to approach. Because of how my day is structured, on Saturdays I have a little time in the morning. I'm just running the experiment right now to see if this is where I might like to schedule in some time for a session. Anyways, I went to my usual spot downtown and it's pretty dead at that time. I eventually made my way over to a farmers market close by, but also not much there. So I'm going to keep scouting a good locale for that time of day so I can make it work.

[Bman]

So a little while ago I seen a few guys mentioning in Olafsmash’s log about him being more interested in getting validation from the lay, rather than the actual lay. It made me think about my actions posting here. Of course I, like the rest of us, want the respect of those I respect and want the “gold star”. But I wanted to make sure the actions I’m taking are truly for my own self affirmation, and not just for the internet bros. So I logged this week in a word doc to post later. I’m also going to do the same with lay reports, writing them in a word doc and letting them sit for a few days before posting. Anyways, here’s this weeks 365.

I also learned some important lessons on my 2 dates, in screening, and in harem management this week. I’ll try to update my main log today or in the next couples days.

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Day 125
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Sunday self care day

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Day 126
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Ran my munch

Had a handful of new faces which was fun. Also sold some more tickets for the party. I’m about a third of the way to the breakeven point.
Something I have noticed is the really attractive girls that RSVP never actually end up showing. So I’m going to start reaching out beforehand and see if by making contact I can either get them to show, or at least start talking with them on Fet.

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Day 127
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Set boundaries for how much I was willing to give in consulting

One of the women from my munch is starting a queer focused photography/art studio and wanted some advice on branding, marketing, and strategy. Made it clear that I was only giving advice and I would not be actually doing any deliverables for her, as it would take away my focus from other things. Funny thing, she's also into me. I'm not that into her. So when we met to chat I tried to remain polite and platonic, despite the strong sexual tension coming from her.

• Started assessing long term career options

Just looking at the reality of the viability of my startup and my financial options. While I’ll continue to put in work with the startup, it will be on a long term horizon to reach the scale I want. In the meantime, money is still a necessity. So I took a look at my options I have right now including going full time with my part time job, pursuing a PhD, getting venture funding taking the for profit route, getting philanthropic funding as a nonprofit startup, or just staying as is. I’ll share these with my men’s group and dig into what may be best for me based on my goals, other life factors, and personality.

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Day 128
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon

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Day 129
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Accepted invite to give talk to a class of college students

I was asked to Zoom into a class to give a talk for podcasting students about monetization, podcasting, and generally taking the unorthodox paths in life. I was asked to because these students hardly ever hear the perspective of someone who did really well in the traditional path and yet still chose to do something different.

I find it funny to watch my own behavior with opportunities like these. I go in, deliver, and immediately when I’m done I critique myself. “You could have said this better. This was not clear. You did not hold their attention here.” I think it’s quite healthy because I’m not telling myself it was complete shit, I’m just finding ways to improve.

Too bad it was Zoom for a university states away. Can’t hit on cute college girls that way.

• Went out CA

Bad AA. Going to be doing something about this here soon about changing my schedule so I’m consistently out CA every day, but will write about when I’ve actually started doing it. But being inconsistent with it is not working.

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Day 130

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Date

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Day 131

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Screening & Date

After getting some of the new photos up on apps, I’m definitely getting more numbers and options than I have time slots for. Today I was trying to setup a date with a 20 yo college student who lives 25 miles outside the city. But she kept being flakey. So told her will find another time and instead scheduled a date with a hotter girl who lives less than a mile from me. You snooze, you lose hunny.

[Bman]

Day 132
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Opening up my Sunday

Because I’ve started doing the munch on Mondays and already have commitments on Tuesday nights, I’m going to start opening up Sunday nights for dates. But the caveat is they will only be with existing girls, or girls I really want to see. Ones that are really adding to my life and will still make my Sunday’s replenishful. Wrote about it here, but hung out with OF Girl and her friend today for a couple hours which they are a lot of fun. Time well spent.

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Day 133
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Ran my munch
• Broke things off with Psychedelic Girl

Reasons written in the main log.

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Day 134
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Men’s Group

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Day 135
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Dinner with ex-wife’s parents

My ex inlaws were visiting in town and wanted to go to dinner. So told them to meet me downtown at my favorite restaurant, a classy clean food place. They are really good people. Was very pleasant. They pretty much adore me and told me about when the divorce was occurring that they wanted to hate me, but they just couldn’t. Told me they missed me, the ex wife has expressed missing me sometimes, and that I always have a place to stay in CO. It was heartwarming and certainly a reminder that I do matter to others and leave a lasting impression on them.

• Went to the pre Shrine munch & kissed OF Girl

When I arrived there were several people I knew so I mingled a little bit. I was dressed in all black with gold jewelry from having just went to dinner right before this, so was getting a few compliments. OF Girl showed and came straight over to the group I was talking to, bumps in, and gives me a tight hug. She was done to the hilt tonight, and honestly it was hard to keep checking her out during the evening. Eventually her and I are sitting close together and just laughing about things in our own little world. Except I had around a dozen people come up to make saying hey, shaking my hand, and catching up. I’d periodically get up to introduce them to someone else and then sit again with OF Girl.

Now I ultimately made a bold but really uncalibrated move. What I should have done was take her inside the bar or outside to the front before going in for a kiss to isolate her. Specifically because her partner was there on the patio and so are all the dozens of people we know. But I didn’t. Instead we caught a moment in the crowd where everyone was preoccupied and I turned her face towards me for a kiss. I could feel she was a little taken back by it, so I slowed my roll and we continued to our banter. Though I looked cool as a cucumber on the outside, I definitely felt like I’d made a foolish error on the inside.

She did tell me in text later that there is obvious attraction between us, she’d just like a little heads up before were progressing so she can just check-in with her primary partner. Can respect that. Though had we been entirely alone, we’d probably would have moved a lot faster. Likesaid, uncalibrated. Oh well, lesson learned.

As a side note: I also met an older couple, well dressed, that just moved here a few months ago and bought a property they have turned into an upscale dungeon. They just started hosting parties that participants must dress upscale. They were clearly there networking and letting people know about their parties and space. They approached OF Girl and I, telling me they would to love to see me at their events. When I checked out the guest list later on Fet, the quality of girls going are higher than most events. So planning to scope it out. Also planning on chatting with this couple more, seeing ways I can work with them or help them out. They seem like savvy and good people to be connected with.

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Day 136
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon

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Day 137
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon

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Day 138
Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Event Meeting

Had a quick meeting with the Dj, performers, photog, and volunteers yesterday to give a rundown on how the event will go next Saturday. Seemed pretty straightforward and should go smoothly.

• Went to a house party

One of my munch people was having a house party to show off the artist studio they are creating. Party turned out to be a dud. So instead of feeling bad about leaving early so I could get sleep, I just told everyone I was taking off as I had to get up early in the morning.

[Bman]

Day 139

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Shrine

A couple of the leaders pulled me aside during the night to give me a few pointers about being a leader in the community, covering my ass, and wishing me luck on my event next Saturday. Apparently there was someone who anonymously reported “poor character behavior” to them. Being that everyone I interact with holds me in high regard, I can only imagine one person doing that which is Psychedelic Girl. Regardless, because I have such a good reputation they pretty much took it with a grain of salt.

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Day 140

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Ran my munch

Held the munch at the dog park to let my dog run around for a couple hours. I was dead tired from the lack of sleep of being up late for Shrine, so I left 30 minutes early.

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Day 141

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Call with @jmand

Been feeling a bit lost in some decisions for my life because they all equally have good options. Let me tell you, a good friend, like a really good friend, is worth their weight in gold. So grateful to be able talk through things with Jmand.

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Day 142

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Selling Tickets & handling change ups

Had some last minute changes with the venue contact and with performer’s schedules. Just adjusting as things come up and handling it.

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Day 143

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Selling tickets

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Day 144

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Selling tickets

Tomorrow’s the BDSM party. At time of this posting I have 33 tickets sold, 14 tickets from breakeven, but have 27 people who were “checking schedules, if partner wants to go, ect” and may pay at the door. Honestly if I get close to breakeven, everything runs smoothly, and people have a good time, it’ll be a win in my book. I won’t get much time to participate in much besides MCing, mingling, and dealing with whatever arises.

I learned a lot (which I’ll share in a breakdown post in my main log) and think I’ve done a decent job for my first one. Especially since 6 months ago no one in the community knew me and I started all this on my own.

Won’t lie though, I’m ready for it to be over with already. Showing up tomorrow to lead the best I can. Hopefully I can reap what I’ve sown in the months to follow.

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Not shown in these days is an undercurrent of somberness taking things I can’t control. Been trying to get another van, but people are not being responsive to my inquires. Having dates cancel or having to schedule out a week for excuses from the girls like food poisoning, dealing with landlords and moving, or travel. People being completely unresponsive with work requests. And then trying to get ready for an event… Seems as life is just trying to teach me just how much I don’t control. So I’ve just focused on what I can and putting one foot in front of the other.

Here’s to everything going well tomorrow.

[natedawg]

LET'S GO!

You got this, man.

I'd love to see a detailed breakdown of your learnings from this event.

[Bman]

Day 145

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Hosted my first BDSM Party

Well, things went smoothly and without a hitch. Thank god for that. As I said, I'll do a more in depth write up later but here is some quick stats.

Cost:

• Venue=$500 for 4 hours
• Event insurance=$100 (cover your ass, gentlemen)
• Dj=$200
• Waters and cleaning supplies = $20

Revenue from ticket sales = $620

Total attendee count = 38 (including volunteers/performers who were non paying attendees)

Notable points about the night:

• There are two owners of the space. When first booking the venue I spoke with one, who is into BDSM, and was totally cool with the party. Yesterday when I arrived to get the rundown on running the space, I spoke with the other who is completely vanilla. Pretty much got the interrogation about the lifestyle, which I think I took pretty well and just remained confident in myself.
• Everything went pretty smooth. I think this was because I logistically figured everything out for the space beforehand, drew a floor plan of the space, and told my volunteers exactly how to run the space.
• The performers were a couple of pole/burlesque dancers who put on an awesome show mixing in some flogging into their routine.
• About halfway into the night we had the play space filled with 10 people in an orgy.
• People loved the photography area in the lobby since their was a dress code for fetish wear.
• I've DM'ed all the attendees for feedback, but from what I got in person, people really enjoyed themselves.
• The ratio of men/women was pretty even which is important so its not a total sausage fest.

What I gained from the night:

• Possibly two leads for myself, one who she had opened me prior to the event on fet because she seen me at the Shrine munch talking with OF Girl. Thanks pre-selection.
• Networked with the DJ and dancers. Especially interested in networking with more dancers and performers for future events, but also because after having slept with a couple dancers, I can say I really enjoy them.
• People asking if there is a board or anything for the group, or how they can get more involved

Really though, I'm more proud of the fact that just a few months ago I said I was going to do this and well, I did it. I had self doubt about it, but did it anyways. I had worry things wouldn't go smoothly, and they went just fine.

So sure I lost out on $200 on this event. However, I certainly could have promoted more than I did and I now know costs of everything so I can look for venues with greater margins. Additionally I have a better idea about how to structure the event in the future to charge more. And know exactly how and where to promote next time around. So I don't see that being a problem next time.

But the skills and confidence I gained were certainly worth $200. And now I get to let people do what they do best in social circles... gossip. Which just converts to more opprituntity in the future. So we can also chalk up the $200 to some social status points. I mean lets be real, you can easily spend $200 in app memberships, boosts, dates, ect. So really not that bad.

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Speaking of opprituntity. As I was messaging attendees after the event, this cutie landed in my DM's. She was not even an attendee, nor do I know yet how she found me. She's verified, so hoping she's actually real because she's a petite, tattooed blonde doll with a pretty face. Exactly my type. And if she like's the profile, points to a good match sexually. Let's see if she converts.

InkedFet 2.jpg

InkedFet1.jpg

At the very least, cheers to some of this work paying off in attracting these kinds of girls.

Keep grinding, brothers.

[Manly Cockfellow]

Hosted my first BDSM Party

I am extremely impressed you followed through and pulled this off

Well done 🫡

[Bman]

Day 146

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Writing

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Day 147

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Took the day off from running the munch

Since we had the party Saturday I gave myself my Monday night back this week. Tried setting up a date but got pushed for the next day.

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Day 148

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Date

Went on a date with a cute yoga teacher whose into tantra and getting into bdsm. We did a walk around the lake near my place in the morning before she was heading out on a trip. It was the most platonic date I’d been on so far, didn’t even try the pull. Afterwards I was relentlessly negative on myself. I’ve not been that negative to myself in a couple of years. But it was because my behavior was so rookie and uncalled for, knowing I could have done waaaaay better. I eased up on myself later.

• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Men’s Meeting

Did a fantastic job leading the meeting in the evening, trying out a new structure with the guys. Completely turned my mood around 180 from earlier in the day.

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Day 149

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon

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Day 150

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon

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Day 151

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Call w/ Jmand

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Wouldn’t say there was a lot of activity that falls in line with the 365; however, I was putting in a ton of work for getting dates this week and just getting kicked in the face instead.

Date on Wed – cancelled: basically didn’t like that I had not texted her inbetween when we set the date last week and this week. Yet had complimented on “my leaderships and ability to clearly communicate, make plans and remember them. You seem like a strong man.” In the same text. Ok.

Date on Thursday – rescheduling: shes been having a rough week battling a landlord and finding a new place and didn’t want to show up emotionally at like 20% for the date. Attempted to still get her our and Told her it would be fun to come out and forget about that for a few hours. She said she was gets anxious for first dates and I was really attractive so it would make her more anxious and she didn’t want to add to the stress. Cool.

Spiritual Girl – still out: texted me she’s still healing from the procedure but misses me and cant wait to see me again. Awesssome.

OF Girl – bad timing: figured I’d ping her and set something up this weekend. She had went to a convention last weekend so I had made a joke about her losing a fight there based on our previous convo and sent skull and cross bones with it. Turns out there was actually shooting at the event and she told me she was pretty shook up about it and basically isolating at the moment. So I got the worst joke timing in the world award. Not a big deal at all, just laughed at myself for the luck I was having this week. Will ping her later.

New girl 1 – on a trip: Matched, number, ready to setup a date for that night… and shes out of town till the 26th. Why are you swiping here then… whatever. Let’s keep hunting.

New girl 2 – on a trip: Absolutely gorgeous. Match, number, ready to setup a fucking date after all these girls… works as an airline attendant (maybe even private jets) and out of town till next Thursday. You girls are killing me this week…

I will say I have had zero problem getting matches. Tried and true, Hinge has been amazing with the new photos. Boosted a few times this week on Tinder, been pretty garbage. Feel’d has not brought anything this week which is interesting because it’s usually decent.

All in all. Nada. Surely wasn’t a lack of effort. That’s for sure.

Onwards and upwards.

[Manganiello]

Love reading your log dude.

[Bman]

Love reading your log dude.

Thanks. Coming from you, that's a real compliment. Just another Brandon trying to put in some work like the rest of 'em.

[Manganiello]

Love reading your log dude.

Thanks. Coming from you, that's a real compliment. Just another Brandon trying to put in some work like the rest of 'em.

Haha. Go team Brandon

[Bman]

Day 152: Sat

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Accepted invite to private, classy BDSM party

The couple that approached OF girl and I at the last Shrine munch messaged me inviting me to their party next Saturday. They have a private house they turned into an upscale dungeon with 15 person hot tub outside and bar. It’s cocktail and formal wear event (except for swimwear for the hot tub), no sex, just play. Though they advertised it on Fet, but you had to receive an invite from them.
As I was allowed to bring a +1 I figured this would be a great chance to take OF Girl, just the two of us, instead of the whole social group. Shrine is decent, but classy is more my vibe anyways.

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Day 153: Sun

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Sunday Self Care Day

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Day 154: Mon

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Not arguing with reality

I’ve tried 3 times now to buy a van to build out for van life. Each time I’ve been turned down because the seller does not want to do a wire transfer of the money, they just want cash. My bank does not have a branch here so I cannot pull out large sums of cash or get a cashier’s check from another bank. So wire transfer was the only way to go.
But what is the reality? Private sellers only trust cash. So what do I need to do? Get cash. So I found a partner bank that has an ATM that does not charge fees for withdrawing. I can only pull out $500 each day. So for the next couple weeks I have to walk to this ATM every single day and pull out $500 at a time. Stupid. But if I want to reach my goal, this is what it requires. Don’t bitch about it, just do it.

• Turing energy into productivity

Basically took the energy of frustration of girls and libido of last week and poured it into work. Combine that with using ChatGPT, and I did 3x the work I did than the previous days last week. Felt fantastic and even level of positive emotion during the day.

• Ran my munch

We had a smaller turn out since I broke the cycle by taking a week off. Had another girl slide into my DM’s beforehand. Not the quality of girl I want, so did the hot girl turn down of “I’m not looking for partners right now”. She didn’t end up showing anyways. Definitely need to learn how to turn down girls I don’t want with finesse.

InkedDM 1.jpg

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Day 155: Tues

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Call with Jmand

I think it’s worth noting that these calls are something we did weekly together last year. It was of tremendous benefit to me going through the divorce and jumping back into dating. Eventually he got quite busy so I told him while I deeply enjoy the calls, I don’t want to be a burden (even though he said I wasn’t and the calls are just as meaningful to him) and that we could go to biweekly instead. However after we had to cancel/reschedule the call a few times in the last couple months I realized just how much I needed them. That in fact, I needed another person. So a few weeks ago I asked him if we could return to weekly calls and expressed that I needed them. It felt weird to say that because its not a need for survival, but a it keeps me grounded, effective, and most of all feeling connected to another person which is especially important when I don’t have a wife around. I consider him a brother and best friend. Highly encourage you all to find ones for yourself. Men sharpen other men.

On our call he gave me a unique perspective from being in an open relationship, about my situation with OF Girl. For context, I had texted her mid-week last week as recorded in my previous post. Then I texted her on Saturday as I was going to invite her out as my date to a private, classy BDSM party I was invited to. However she ghosted and never responded, a second time of this occurrence in the last few weeks, despite previously being very engaged and showing a lot of interest.

Jmand asked if she had talked with her partner about me, of which I had no idea, and basically saying that she’s probably really interested but the threshold for her to take action on that is really high because she’s satisfied in her relationship and obviously gets a ton of attention from doing OF. He was stating this from the perspective that he doesn’t necessarily take action on other interests because he’s satisfied most the time in his relationship, despite him having the option to with it being open. In our last interactions I also escalated the situation by kissing her. So she may feel the pressure that in the following interactions I’d be escalating further, which she’d be right in thinking so. Add on top the shitty logistics, he said I was doing hard mode with her.

For additional context, I’ve invited her out a handful of times to other outings of which she’s legitimately been busy. I was already deciding to let things cool and withdraw my attention. She’ll come back for it later in the month as Shrine starts to come around again. But with the dates I’m going on, there’s a chance I’d be taking another date anyways which would be the third time she’s seen me there with another girl. I’d probably would have gave up and moved on already, but I legitimately like hanging out with her and her personality, and she’s obviously the cream of the crop in the BDSM community here. So I just continue the dance, escalating when I can. In the meantime I focus my attention on myself and the other girls.

But it was good to hear this perspective because I can immediately go to trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong on my side and sometimes forgetting about what it’s like in her shoes.

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Day 156: Wed

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Girl flaking on rescheduling

Message 1.jpg

NBD. If she wants to try again the future, cool. If not, cool, too. We’d already tried scheduling for a couple weeks now. Didn’t expect it to roll through.

• Declining invite to BDSM party

I boosted on Tinder and got two viable leads and scheduled them for Friday and Sunday. Going to the party would be more fun with a date, and as I don’t have a girl to bring to this one, I’m less interested in going. Also if I’m seeing girls on Thurs, Fri, Sun, I’d like to get some quality sleep in there. So I went ahead and declined the invite, already knowing I’d be invited to the next.

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Day 157: Thurs

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Date Rescheduling…

Message 2.0.jpg

Normally I roll these off pretty well, but this one got to me because I was really looking forward to it. She’s a combo of the professional and nice girl archetype who also happens to be kinky. Very gorgeous looking girl and works as a corporate/ private airline attendant. Her texting was intelligent, respectful, and flirty. Just the type of girl I’m looking for. Lady in the streets, slut in the sheets. AND after seeing the incongruence of my sexual vibe in the last few dates, my self-talk in the morning was telling myself I’m going there to fuck this girl, to be sexual, not to be friends, not just for a nice chat/ enjoy the date, yada yada. That can all come later. Soooo I’d sunk a lot of mental energy into something I was excited for…

Then I got a text she had got called into work for a flight to LA and asked if we could reschedule.

Yes, but… dammit are you serious right now, life? Can you throw a dog a bone here?

I was not mad at her. I was not mad at me. I was just annoyed at this streak I’m having right now.

Spent the evening looking at some suits/ professional threads to be purchased to fill out that side of my wardrobe and get some pictures with. I’d already scheduled dates from Tinder for Friday and Sunday, so I had zero desire to be on the apps for the evening.

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Day 158: Fri

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Facing childhood trauma

Last night I had 3 dreams, one being a nightmare. I rarely if ever have nightmares, so when they do occur its worth paying attention to.
The nightmare was of my mother taking a circular saw to my dog’s leg, blood spewing everywhere as my dog kept licking the person holding her down as if to remind the person that she loved them and asking to stop the suffering. My heart rate rose so much that I was pulled out of my sleep.

After calming down and returning to sleep I had a dream about the first girl I fell in love with in middle/high school and was semi friendzoned by. I don’t recall much of that dream, but being really honest, she’s been a regular projection in my dreams for years embodying basically anything I attribute to the feminine in my subconscious. Jung calls this the animus.

Anyways, in my third dream she showed up again. We were in this big college/entertainment venue. I was coming back from a class where I was learning to sing and meeting her in her room. She was there with a friend of hers and my best friend from childhood laying on a bed. I talked with her briefly and kissed her knee before returning to the venue. Later it was dark and we bumped into each other. The lights turned on and my best friend was taking her on a date. She was dressed in some really fancy black sparkly dress and him in a tux. I just kept asking what they were doing even though it was obvious, and my friend was just smirking and tugging her arm to walk up the steps even though I could visibly see she felt so much guilt about it. I was angry and started this mad dash through a ton of rooms with all these people and movies playing. I finally made it towards the center and seen them both at the bar having a wonderful time, but my friends face had changed. It was me.

We can sit here and analyze those all day, but I’ve already done that much myself. Really writing this here for posterity because it’s an important marker in development.

After waking, I was still shook a bit from the dreams. I did not feel good at all. I rolled into my morning routine. When I’d got to doing my yoga flow, my mind was still mulling things over, even after having done breathwork and meditation. I’d hit on something pretty core and realized how it had played out in my life.

I realized I had a need to be loved. I had a need to be told I was loved, more importantly, shown I was loved. Probably being told/shown more often than a healthy, secure individual. Especially when I’m pouring energy into that person showing them I love them. That the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life has been that of loving another person and not knowing if they love me. And as a child I had no idea how to deal with that pain. I felt trapped and weak for having such a need. So I tried many strategies to deal with it including achieving to get love, giving them more and more love, closing off and soldiering on in spite of not feeling loved, ect.

I reflected on how with my father I loved him a lot, but despite him occasionally saying the words, his actions of not being there in my life said differently. How painful it feels to love a parent and not know if they love you back.

I reflected on how I poured so much energy as a naive young teenager, who did not have a father there to pass down values of a man, into this one girl and have it be hot and cold for years, never knowing if the feelings were actually mutual. How painful it felt to love a woman and not know if they love you back.

I reflected on the last years of my marriage and the feeling of lying next to another person and feeling like there are 1,000,000 miles between you two. How painful it felt to once be deeply in love with someone and not know if they still feel that way now.

As I thought about the marriage I seen where I had not been man enough to let her know I needed her to show me she loved me. In that moment I felt so weak and all I wanted to do was apologize for having been so weak to not clearly articulate my needs.

And then halfway through my yoga flow, I cracked and fucking cried on my damn yoga mat. I tried to stop but I just couldn’t. My body shook, my breathing hyperventilated, and the tears just rolled out as I laid there. My sweet dog (the one who was dismembered in my dream) came and laid on my chest as I cried. After several minutes, I finally gained my composure and finished my yoga.

I continued thinking afterwards, but with much more clarity. I cried a bit during breakfast. I cried a bit on the bus to the gym. And luckily the workout helped even my mood a bit. Thanks brain neurochemistry.

I’m not going to dump all of what I thought through and further revelations. Frankly, I’m still working through them. So that’s not helpful for you the reader.

Instead, after having those I want to do a few actions:

• Call my father. I’d like to let him know I’m sorry for being a poor son right now. He texts me quite a bit and I know would like to interact with me more. Basically he is showing me love, and I’m not reciprocating much. I’m perpetuating the suffering, only flipping the tables. I’d like to let him know it hurt as a kid, I didn’t know what to do, and at one time I was angry he did not show me what it meant to be a man. I’d like to let him know I’m not angry anymore and that I’ve largely learned to become my own man, with my own values. That I don’t need that now and it’s hard to have a relationship with someone who feels like a stranger; HOWEVER, I would be interested in getting to know the man he is, to finally hear what those values are, and find out the ways we are similar. I’d be willing to have a phone call, once a month. That’s not a lot, but it’s all I have to give. And it’s more than we’re doing now.
• Call my ex wife. I’d like her to know I got divorced not because I didn’t love her, but because I did. But I just couldn’t take the pain and suffering anymore, that feeling I did not know how to handle, if knowing that my love is reciprocated. I want to apologize for my shortcomings as a man who did not know how to properly recognize and express that need and instead asked for it indirectly. I’d like her to know that it’s ok to move on, that I love her but do not want to be married to her. In fact I never want to be married again to anybody, and honestly, I don’t think I ever wanted that. I’d actually be open to her as a partner in some capacity, but she’d have to be open to a non-monogamous dynamic and not living together. Pretty sure she does not want that and that is totally ok. I want her to know that I’d love to see her go on, get remarried, and have a standard life. For her to be happy, because that’s all I ever wanted, for the both of us. From what I can tell, she’s not dated at all the whole year we have been apart. I don’t want her to suffer the feeling of waiting for some fairytale reuniting, of loving someone and not knowing if they love you back.
• Smaller action, but talk with OF Girl the next time I see her. Not in an adversarial confrontation, but as Andy describes in being on the same team. Basically saying “it seems like we’re both into each other, I’d like to take things further, but you seem hesitant. What’s up?” I can keep doing the hot and cold dance, but I’m probably too insecure for that and it takes too much of my emotional energy. That’s the truth. I will and am working on being more secure, but trauma runs deep, it takes time. I’m 29 now. Took me this long to be ok with the fact I need love. A fundamental, base human need shared by every single person, ever. Crikey.

The repeated date cancellations/ reschedules in such a short time frame triggered a feeling of being unloved/ unlovable as my dad did that to me for years. Not that I truly believe life was trying to teach me something with the last couple weeks, but maybe I was trying to teach myself something. I don’t know. This is what I took away from it.

I know we all have our own paths with this shit. Sometimes you read other guy’s logs and think “man, it would be awesome to just slay like them without dealing with all this baggage. It seems like they have none. Why can’t I just do this without it all?” You forget they have their own, they may or may not share it, and really it does not matter. This is yours. If you want to keep growing then you deal with it. You cry on the ground like a scared little boy, then you get back up like a man and face your own shit. All while having a little love and compassion for yourself along the way.

The spirit of this 365 is self-affirmation. That means affirming that your Self, does in fact have needs. It’s your job to assert your Self, express those needs, set boundaries for them, and take care of yourself when they are not met.

I’ll start with my father tomorrow.

• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Date no call/ no showed…

I did a little work, but spent most of the afternoon tidying up and cleaning my place to just let my mind rest. I was feeling pretty even keel, slightly positive. Pretty compassionate self-talk on the way to the coffee bar.

Had set this up yesterday. Didn’t send the confirmation text in the morning (rookie move) because it was the next day. But she did seem like the flakey type so I should have. Showed up at 6, chilled, and after she didn’t show for 10 mins, sent her a text telling her what I was wearing for when she showed. Waited another 5 minutes for a text or something. Nothing. So I dipped. Probably for the best, as I was pretty drained.

This is basically what I have been doing with every girl. Pretty standard truth/screening and logistics. The second message is new, otherwise all is the same as before. Yet I’m getting my ass handed to me here.

Message 4.jpg

InkedMessage 3.jpg

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Day 159: Sat

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Called my father

Had an hour conversation with him. I was nervous, mainly that I would stubble my words and not say everything. But I literally took my post from yesterday and made bullet points on my computer so I made sure to hit the highlights and the spirit of the message was conveyed. I asserted myself in the conversation early on, said what I needed to say, and we really bonded over the moment. I apologized only for my shortcomings as a man, not for my shortcomings as a child. He completely understood, held a lot of grief, but held a lot of respect for me in knowing I largely created myself into my own man (with the help of dozens of people of course) without a father figure around. We agreed to a call once a month, and for me to text every so often just a little update of “this is going on in my life” because I said I could do that.

Was the most I have EVER been my own advocate in a conversation with him without being sheepish about it. Not in an angry, attacking him way. In a “want both of us to grow from this conversation”.

Felt pretty good. Hard. But some of the most important things in life usually are.

I’ll make the call to my ex-wife next week. One thing at a time here.

• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Date cancelled

Hello, foot. Meet face. Face, meet foot. Good. Glad you’re friends now.

343440733_1939042913116146_5040682464760433503_n.jpg

This was the good looking airline attendant from last week, who rescheduled on Thursday, and now is canceling today. Just got swiped by another Chad. Have fun, buddy.

B, this is all part of the game. It’s what you signed up for.

I know, but seriously, give me an assist here.

Date tomorrow…

[Bman]

Day 160: Sun

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• Writing/ Journaling
• Date & Lay

After 2 weeks of Flake City, finally went on a date and was completely on point. Flirty, confident, escalated the conversation to sex quickly, pulled in about 20 minutes. No resistance back at my place. No ED issues. Lots of commanding, dirty talk, and just doing whatever I wanted and having a good time. That's the B I remember. So grateful it was just a textbook close and she was fun, too.

In the wise words of Andy, "Relax, eventually you'll get laid".

Will drop the lay report in couple days as I'm deep in writing something else at the moment.