Brandon’s 365 Days of Masculine, Self-affirming Action: Days 278-283

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Bman
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Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Wed Dec 07, 2022 12:30 am

Brandon’s 365 Days of Masculine, Self-affirming Action

So after the debacle that was my last lay and many of you pointing out the discrepancy between who I am and the inner loser beliefs I was still holding, I decided to return to some foundational material and reread No More Mr Nice Guy.

I read this ages ago when I first stumbled across the red pill about 5 years ago. Living with a single mom, absent father, yada yada yada (it’s here if you want to read on my background) I had some pretty hardcore nice guy beliefs. Rereading it yesterday, I was surprised to find that I had actually integrated about 50% of what that book had said and actively changed those things in my life. But even after 5 years, there was still miles to go in some areas.

Let’s take a quick look:

Approve of Themselves – needs work

I’ve written before about seeking approval rather than confidently who I am. I tend to think I need to be someone else before I’m loved. This year I’ve done a lot to work on this, but still have a long ways to go.

Put themselves first – needs work

Probably my worst category. I hardly ever put my needs first. I tend to think of the other person before even considering myself. Being selfish feels very bad for me.

Reveals themselves to safe people – good at

If I trust the other person, I’ve become great at revealing myself fully to them. That trust level has come way down as well, being able to be more authentic and vulnerable even with people sooner.

Eliminate covert contracts – work in progress

I stopped doing most of these a long time ago. However, I still do the “If I meet your needs, then you’ll meet mine.” but don’t explicitly state what those are.

Takes responsibility for own needs – work in progress

I’ve got a lot better at this. Great example was when I had microbiome issues and changed my diet to more carnivore and have separate meals from my ex-wife. She didn’t like that at first, but I told her I needed to do it for my health and there was no negotiation on that, unless she also wanted to eat what I was eating. But I still have room for improvement by stating my needs explicitly, taking responsibility that they exist. Then doing what I need to in order to fulfill them.

Surrender – good at

I’m pretty good at separating what is and is not in my control, focusing only on what I have control over.

Dwell in reality – good at

I’m also pretty good at seeing what the reality of a situation is. Like all of us, we do get blindsided sometimes, but I’m quick to update my mental models so it doesn’t happen again. I actively look at my shortcomings and identify ways I can improve them.

Express their feelings – work in progress

Most emotions I’m pretty solid in expressing. However, things like expressing my sexual desire or being aggressive are things I’m still working on. I’ve come a ways with those, but still have work to do.

Develop integrity – work in progress

If you watched the interview I did with Andy, being honest is big for me. However, that’s only a part of integrity. Doing what feels most right is also a part of integrity. I could use some work on that. Also not expressing my needs when I have them, is also fundamentally dishonest. Being something slightly different than what I am in order to get validation, is also fundamentally dishonest. I have room to improve here.

Set boundaries – good at

Probably the category I most improved on from the first time reading NMMNG. Best example was when my father asked to borrow money. He used to do this ALL the time and I had finally got sick of it. So one time when he asked I came in the room with the money and the book The Richest Man in Babylon. I told him I would loan him the money only if he also read the book and told me what he learned from it. To my surprise, my father took the book and left the money. I don’t know if he ever read the book, but that was about 3 years ago and he has never asked me for money again. A memory I will never forget.

Embrace their masculinity – work in progress

I’ve done a lot to own my masculine being from surrounding myself with other men, working out, doing challenging things, ect. Owning my sexuality, being bold, and embracing the more aggressive sides of masculinity seem to be the last frontier for me here.

-------------------------

If you read the inner monologue from this lay report and some of my actions, it’s clear I have two big sticking points:
  • Approving of Myself
  • Putting Myself First
I struggle with these because I have some version of the following beliefs running in the software. I don’t consciously say them all the time, but I know they are there.

Toxic beliefs:
  • Its not ok to just be who I am
  • I’m not good enough unless I’m doing something (achieving or helping them with their needs)
  • I’m not important or won’t mean anything to others unless I’m doing
  • It’s not ok to be selfish or self-centered, to have needs
  • It’s not ok to be too ambitious, assertive, aggressive, angry, sexual
I’m a pretty decent looking guy. I can learn quickly on the technical side of things. Can dress well, take photos, do all those things. I feel the biggest improvement I could make that would drastically change my results would be to fix this software.

So in spirit of @KillYourInnerLoser , I’m going to do a 365 day project of taking one masculine, self-affirming action a day. The bare minimum for this project will to be do a set of affirmations each day.

I think that I may have done affirmations once before for maybe 2 or 3 days but thought they were silly brainwashing. Well, read the toxic beliefs above. I’ve had 28 years of brainwashing with those. I OWE myself to at least do one year of reverse brainwashing. I mean come on. It’ll only take a few minutes to read through them.

Some affirmations I’ll start with:
  • It’s ok to be you, without reservation
  • You have worth.
  • You’re not bad.
  • It’s ok to be selfish
  • It’s ok to put you and your needs first.
  • There are others who are happy and willing to meet them.
  • It’s ok to be ambitious, assertive, aggressive, angry, or sexually proud
Now this is really the bare minimum. What I would like to strive to do are taking actions that approve of myself, put my needs first, express my masculinity, or build my confidence.

Far from an exhaustive list but actions might include:
  • Consciously asking myself “What do I want?” “What feels right to me?” “What would make me happy?” and then doing that.
  • Consciously asking myself, “What’s do I feel is the right thing to do?” Then doing that.
  • Asking for more money than comfortable with
  • Cold approaching a girl
  • Asserting my needs first in sexual interaction
  • Explicitly stating my needs
  • Buying myself something I need (actually pretty hard for me.)
  • Speaking with my father
  • Doing something with a group of guys
  • Push my body in a new way
  • Treat myself to a massage, dinner, movie, ect
  • Working through the inner child work from the resource provided by Crisis_Overcomer
  • Asking for help
Finally, let’s lay some ground rules for this:
  • Each day I will post the actions I took that day. If they feel significant, I will add a short reflection of why I believe so.
  • The bare minimum bar for success that day is to go through the affirmations, speaking them out loud to myself and posting I did that. Of course I’m aiming to do more but there will probably be a lot of days of just affirmations. That’s ok.
  • During lay reports or significant actions with women, I will write up the inner monologue (as best as I can recall), delineated in green text, in order to see if I’m making progress on the software update.
I welcome any feedback or ideas about what good actions to take might be, particularly aimed at approving of myself or putting myself first as that is what I would most like to improve.

Without further ado…
Last edited by Bman on Fri Sep 15, 2023 5:44 pm, edited 158 times in total.
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Bman
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Name: Brandon
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Age: 30
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Location: Austin, TX

Wed Dec 07, 2022 12:33 am

Day 1

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Started this 365 day project
  • Bought myself a new pair of Chuck Taylor’s
So earlier this year when I was getting ready for online dating I had bought some new clothes. Of course I liked them, but the purpose was to make myself look more attractive in order to gain validation from women. Not necessarily a bad thing. However, when it comes to buying something purely because I need it, I drag my feet like lead balloons.

My main everyday shoes are converse. The pair I have now are over a year old, have had holes in them and starting to seriously fall apart for the past 1.5 months. I just kept telling myself I didn’t need new shoes. These ones were fine. Even though it would rain and my feet would get wet because the water would soak through the soles.

When I was a kid we were poor. I remember asking my mom for things I needed bought, especially for school, and getting a guilt trip because we didn’t have the money. So I learned that my needs were not important enough to spend money on or I didn’t deserve to have those things, despite how “good” of a kid I was.

Well I really fucking needed some new shoes today. I deserve to have my needs met. I’m worth that.

Fuck this feels silly and uncomfortable to write.
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Bman
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Name: Brandon
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Age: 30
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Thu Dec 08, 2022 1:20 am

Day 2

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Accepted an interview to be featured in Canvas Rebel, some publication for creatives and entrepreneurs
  • 1 cold approach
Ridiculous how long it took me to do that approach, but at least I broke my streak of doing 0. I'm actually thinking I'm going to cancel the date I have scheduled tomorrow and cold approach instead. She's meh and thought I might see if she was better in person than her photos. But really I just wanted to get my dick wet and would be settling because the apps have been slow for actually getting numbers right now. ATX is having a heat wave right now of 80 degree weather, so I'd rather capitalize on that with more girls outside. It'll be better for the head up top anyways. Which is the point of this 365.
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MakingAComeback
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Age: 32
Motto: POSITIVE SELF TALK

Thu Dec 08, 2022 7:52 am

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ravi
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
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twonightstander
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Joined: Sat Jul 02, 2022 12:53 pm
Goal: Become "that guy"
Age: 31
Motto: The only easy day was yesterday

Thu Dec 08, 2022 10:01 pm

This is one hell of a 365 day project man, probably the best I have seen here. Best of luck.

I will be tunning in from time to time because I am sure I will learn from it and probably take some action steps to apply in my journey of unbecoming a nice guy.
Goals completed (2022)
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Fri Dec 09, 2022 1:08 am

Day 3

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Canceled date with mediocre girl to go cold approach instead
  • 1/3 for cold approach
Much better today. When I first got out on the street I skipped 3 girls I found attractive and would have approached...

That ones in a rush. That ones on the other side of the crosswalk. Do I stand here and wait? That's weird. Do I cross and turn around and come back. That's also weird... STOP. Yes it's weird. GET OVER IT.

You're a boss, B. And what do bosses do? They just do it.


Did my first approach about 15 mins in. She was walking ahead of me, so I caught up to her. Basic you're cute opener. She didn't stop walking at first so I walked with her. Chatted. She was from out of town and leaving tomorrow. But instead of ejecting like I've done before, I kept chatting and found out she visits often for work and will be back in January. At some point I stopped walking and she stopped with me. Asked for her number to grab a coffee next time she's in town. Kept vibing after getting the number, eventually mind went blank on what to say next so I told her I'd text her later. Wasn't till I left and slowed down my thinking did I realize she was probably free tonight, looking for something to do, and could have made it an instadate. So after doing my other approaches and it getting dark, I tried texting her to see if she was still in the area. No answer. Oh well. I'll get better at recognizing those situations next time.

Second approach was 2 minutes later and a block away. Crosswalk situation. I walked across and turned around. Would rather just stand there next time. Anyways she was in gorgeous, low cut dress so told her she was cute and like her dress. Asked what she was doing tonight in such a fine dress. She told me she was on her way to her company party. So I walked with her for a bit. She seemed to be soaking up the convo. Tried getting her number but she told me she was literally about to grab her boyfriends car to go to the party. Shame. She was from Indiana and had that sweet, innocent midwestern girl vibe. That exact kind I like to corrupt.

Third was a few blocks away. Told me she was married after opening.

Must have also had a good vibe because randos were talking with me as well. Had one guy start talking to me in spanish because he thought I looked Columbian. Another middle age lady said I needed the shirt the guy next to her was wearing that said "Chick's dig the beard."

Not bad for a 50 min sesh.

And thanks @MakingAComeback and @twonightstander, appreciate the support.
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Bman
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Sat Dec 10, 2022 12:47 am

Day 4

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
Bare minimum today. Got caught up in work and then editing photos for my boudoir portfolio to share with girls I sleep with for future shoots. Will share this on Sunday in my weekly reflection.
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Sun Dec 11, 2022 1:36 am

Day 5

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Call with @MakingAComeback
Great chat with MAC today. As we talked about on the call, it's so beneficial as a man to surround yourself with other men who are putting in the work. He's a good man and grateful to get know him better today.
  • Finished photography portfolio to share with girls in the future
  • 0/2 for cold approach
My new converse I just bought came early today so I said what the hell, lets break them in. Went out to my normal spot. Still skipped a couple girls. But then saw a beautiful brunette woman sitting out front of a restaurant. It was dinner time so I assumed she was waiting on a date so kept walking. Hit the end of the main street and turned around to walk back the other way. She was still sitting there but now reading a book...

Well if she is waiting, they are late or something. Only one way to find out, B... Fuck it.

"Hey this is random, but are you waiting on a date?" "No I'm just reading..."

Immediately something else just took over and I sat down next to her on the couch, shaking her hand, proceeding to tell her she was cute, ect. She started to tell me she was only in town till tomorrow, for which I was about to eject (even though I told myself on Day 3 I wouldn't do that) but then she started asking me a bunch of questions. We were vibing well and then my nerves got the best of me because I kind of blanked on what to say next so ended the convo.

In hindsight I could have...
  • Asked what she was reading. I'm very well read and easily could have held a discussion there.
  • Teased her about being from LA and thinking about moving to ATX like everyone else from Cali. The dug into what she does in LA.
  • Honestly anything, I had that one hooked...
Another situation I could have just instadated. Just need to slow down a bit, grab ahold of my brain, and let it follow my body, just like it knew to sit down with her. But I'm glad I just went into the restaurant patio and asked if she was on a date. Progress.

Second one was about 10 mins later. She was waiting at a coffee shop. Approached and opened. She said I kind of looked like a werewolf with the beard. Then she said "Unfortunately and fortunately I have a boyfriend." Told her he picked a good one then. She said, "Yes he did. Hopefully I picked a good one also." Was about to eject but then she asked my name and we started chatting. We were laughing about a few things together and she ended up telling me where she works even though I didn't ask. Started to end the conversation and she asked for my name again.

B, I think you could be a homewrecker if you wanted you dirty dog.

Only did a 45 min session today. I like these short sessions because it forces me not to fuck around. Parkinson's Law and all. Also I really just want this to be a habit so in the future I'm just approaching all the time when I'm going about regular life. Like @SpicyBoi. That guy is a machine and is at bare minimum doing like 2 or 3 a day going about his business.

Even though I'm only on Day 5, I think this 365 day project was a good decision. I felt really good today and it showed in how I was walking around during approaches. Head up, making eye contact with pretty much everyone, people walking around me or moving out of my way, and a sway/swagger in my shoulders. Even got another compliment on the beard.

Just knowing I'm doing this 365 project is making me want to do more than the bare minimum each day. So when I ask "Do I want to do some approaches today?" the default answer is yes. Thanks @KillYourInnerLoser. 365's are great ideas.
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MakingAComeback
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Sun Dec 11, 2022 11:44 am

It was great talking to you Brandon, we got into a flow and riffed on some interesting topics, I love that kinda conversation.

If you can handle the heat, let's call again soon man, haha

You're a cool guy and I enjoyed it ;-)

I enjoy speaking to people who're intelligent, cerebral, and with drive and substance, bouncing ideas off each other and the discussions that take place are a joy

Ravi
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Mon Dec 12, 2022 4:08 am

Day 6

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • 2 approaches in BDSM club
Almost closed the first for play tonight. Then got pulled away and lost her. Second one, we were chatting, she wasn't looking to play tonight. But at least I actually tried tonight. Tired and wanted to make sure I posted Day 6.
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Tue Dec 13, 2022 1:38 am

Day 7

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Call with friend to plan men's retreat this weekend
  • Set boundaries with parents about when, where, and how I'll be seeing each of them before the retreat, taking in account my own needs.
Also setting up dates for when I'm on my trip back in my hometown for the evening after visiting with family. It's not as populated as Austin, so I'm most likely in the upper tier of men there. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

Tinder 1.PNG
Bman wrote:
Mon Dec 12, 2022 4:08 am
Almost closed the first for play tonight. Then got pulled away and lost her. Second one, we were chatting, she wasn't looking to play tonight. But at least I actually tried tonight. Tired and wanted to make sure I posted Day 6.
Follow-up from last night. Set a date with the second girl I approached last night. You're not allowed to have phones in the club, so grabbing her number was not going to happen. But I told her I was rolling out, so I asked for her Fet and told her I'd add her later. Today I added her saying it was good meeting her yesterday. After she replied, immediately told her let's grab a coffee and see if we'll be good play partners. Got her number and dates set for when I get back from my trip. Feels pretty good.
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Bman
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Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
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Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Wed Dec 14, 2022 12:14 am

Day 8

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Men's Group
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Thu Dec 15, 2022 1:33 am

Day 9

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Met up with @Ed_ & @MILFandCookies from the KYIL community
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
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Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Fri Dec 16, 2022 3:05 am

Day 10

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Went out for CA
Flew into my hometown today. Spent half the day flying. Was going to take my mom out to a nice restaurant for dinner but she canceled on me. The holidays are a dark time for her, so I bet she's going through some struggles with her PTSD. Still though, sucks to get flaked on by your mom on the holidays.

Then my date I had lined up afterwards had to take a shift at work, so rescheduled for tomorrow. She's been very compliant the whole time, so it was no biggie. But that meant I was without a date tonight. So boosted on Tinder, messaged on Hinge, matched with some girls, and to no avail.

So I said fuck it. I'll go hunting. Went out to CA and there was literally 0 approachable girls. It's below 20 degrees here, so no one's outside. The only people at the mall were couples which was a little depressing to watch. Went around the bars here and they were dead. Granted my hometown is a small to mid size city, all the colleges are on break, and it's the holidays.

So nothing. But I enjoyed checking out the Christmas lights and walking in the cold weather. Was a nice change of pace from Texas.
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Bman
Posts: 803 | Thanks: 1222
Joined: Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
Name: Brandon
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 30
Motto: Pursue Purpose
Location: Austin, TX

Sat Dec 17, 2022 1:31 pm

Day 11

Actions taken:
  • Affirmations
  • Visited with my father
  • Confidently asserted myself with my father
Saw my father today. I told him exactly what I would like to do, where he could come meet me, and when I needed to be done for the day. That's significant because when I was younger I used to let my father run right over whatever my needs were to fulfill his.

During the visit when being asked things about myself, I spoke the truth and said most things in a calm, self assured matter of fact tone. Just as I've done on dates. I think having so much practice on dates really helped me here. Historically, I would say something about my life or identity, trying to defend it, and my father further criticizing it. I've come to the realization though that I don't need others to accept who I am. I'm who I want be and that's what matters. If they don't accept that, that is there problem, not mine. That clearly came out today. As a result, I received no criticism. It was a mildly pleasant time instead.

--------

Follow up from the previous post. Girl ended up flaking. Was bummed but I get it. Holidays are rough for us men out there playing the game. Onwards.
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