Brandon’s 365 Days of Masculine, Self-affirming Action: Days 278-283

[Bman]

Day 12

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Men's retreat

Started mens retreat today with great group of guys. We volunteered with Habitat for Humanity in the morning, doing construction on a house. Afternoon and evening was spent in great discussions with these guys doing deep reflection on this year and generally connecting. Iron sharpens iron.

[Bman]

Day 13

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Men's retreat

Doing my post for yesterday. Had the second day of my retreat. Led the guys through exercises owning their masculinity such as primal scream, hitting each other, and polar plunge. Had some more great discussions including a session of feedback where one man is in the hot seat and the others give him feedback about how he showed up this year. The men relayed to me an admiration for my sense of intention, living life exactly the way I want and taking action to building that, my sense of purpose, and that I have become much more confident and self assured. Time well spent.

[Bman]

Day 14

Actions taken:

• Affirmations

Just flying home most of the day.

[Bman]

Day 15

Actions taken:

• Affirmations

Was supposed to have a date today, but she cancelled. Texted her to reschedule and she immediately texted back to do so. Doesn't guarantee anything, but at least slightly better odds.

Decided to go out cold approaching but its the week before Christmas, cold and dark out (which always reminds me of Andy saying something about girls needing to photosynthesize in one of his old podcasts). There was one girl, but I skipped her for no good reason at all. This turned out to be a terrible decision because afterwards there was nothing.

While on the bus ride home, tried doing a straight to the crib with I girl I matched with on Hinge who was visiting family in the city. Almost happened but then she unmatched.

Then had my Thursday date text to also cancel. But she gave a few days she was available and said she was bummed because she was really looking forward to it. Again no guarantee, but even better odds here.

So despite all that... we did affirmations today. Damn holidays.

[Bman]

Day 16

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Downsized and donated things I DON'T need while doing inner child work

Spent a couple hours this afternoon going through my walk-in closet getting rid of things I no longer need and rearranging to make better space for my podcast setup and photography equipment.

I already don't have a lot of stuff and live pretty minimally, but every 6 months or so I still continue to widdle down items after I realize I have not used them in the last 6-12 months.

This will probably sound silly, but after doing this process 3-4 times, I was able to donate an old blanket from my grandmother who passed away when I was really young. I kept holding on to it because I thought I might use it when I have a child, and every time I tried to donate it I thought of her and was just not able to do it.

For context, she was the only person who was able to bring everyone together on my father's side. After she passed from battling cancer, the family broke apart, my grandfather committed arson and went to prison, and my mom moved us across the country. Suppose it was quite traumatic for 4 year old me. One of my tattoos is in memory of her.

Anyways, I've been packing this thing around for several years and it just sat in a box. So today I really thought about it. First off, IF I have a child, whatever "love" that would have been in that blanket will flow through me anyways. It's not about the blanket, but the spirit of her love. Second, holding on to the blanket doesn't bring her back. It doesn't fix my dysfunctional family. If I wish to bring everyone together, then I will have to take responsibility for that, because no one else will. But honestly it's not a priority for me. Maybe in the future, but not right now. Lastly, the memory is in me, not the blanket.

So I suppose I did some inner child work today.

I've done this process with other items that hold memories and it's always so beneficial. It's like burning an old part of your identity, metabolizing it, and building a new one.

I was not, however, able to get rid of the photos of my ex wife and I. So they still sit in a box in the closet. Maybe in another 6 mos they can go, but they weren't able to today.

[Bman]

Day 17

Actions taken:

• Affirmations

I think it's funny writing these minimal days because I'm only recording actions taken directly towards this project. Really I did a lot today. But only affirmations I would count towards the project today.

[Bman]

Day 18

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Went out for CA

My already rescheduled date cancelled again because she said she was not feeling good. Will try to ping her next week, but no making any bets. My other rescheduled date for tomorrow is tentative because she has also been sick this week. So going to guess that ones also a no go.

So decided to try out the mall this evening for cold approach since my date cancelled. That was pretty much a bust. Mostly couples doing last minute holiday shopping.

[Bman]

Day 19

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Pushed to get date out
• Was more assertive in the bedroom

Christmas eve lay (report coming soon) with 27yo from Feeld. Was little rusty with the date/escalation and not as laid back as usual. Then was a little in my head during sex. But was more assertive, telling her exactly what I wanted her to do, and making sure I was enjoying myself as well. But was a little rusty here as well since its been a little while. Cute girl though.

[Bman]

Day 20

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Took myself out to see a movie (a favorite thing of mine) for Christmas
• Got rid of the Christmas decorations, including the ones from the marriage
• Got rid of the photos of my ex wife & I

I was not, however, able to get rid of the photos of my ex wife and I. So they still sit in a box in the closet. Maybe in another 6 mos they can go, but they weren't able to today.

Not 6 months. Took 4 days.

Enjoyed a morning workout at my apartment's little gym since my regular gym is closed for the holiday. Then enjoyed my lunch and precooked my dinner to take with me to the movie theater. In the afternoon I rode the bus downtown and went and watched the new Avatar.

For whatever reason, after the movie I felt ready to deal with this today. Call me a masochist for dealing with it on Christmas day, but you can't hide your demons in a box in the closet.

Got home, pulled out the box which had both the photos and the Christmas ornaments.

Let's start with the ornaments, being that it's Christmas. I did not put up a tree this year, so I did not even use them. I plan on building out a van at the end of next year, so I wont be using them there either. Most importantly though, I've been trying to hold on to some semblance of a "normal" family Christmas forever. Truth is, I have not had that for 80% of my life. A few years I had something that could have been traditional holidays, a couple of those years being with my ex wifes loving family. Her mother even texted me Merry Christmas today. The rest of the years have been quite dysfunctional. I told my men's group that I was tired of pretending to be some happy family every year and needed to define what Christmas was for me, as I've done and continue to do with the rest of my life. I can't do that holding on to these items, including ornaments my ex wife and I made together or the ones created as guest gifts for our wedding.

Now to the pictures. I had a dozen or so pictures in picture frames that we had hung on the walls over the years. When we split this year I just put them in a box because it was too hard to have them out and looking at them. Similar reasoning as before, have not used them all year and won't be able to hang frames in a van.

So I painstakingly removed every picture from the frame, crying as I tried to get the damn little tabs on the back open, having flashbacks to every memory that was in the photographs. Almost all the photos I have the original digital copies of so that made it easier. However there were three small polaroids as well. One was even from Christmas a few years ago. I couldn't fucking get rid of them. So I put them with a few other photographs I have from childhood which don't really take up any space at all.

So from a box full of stuff to 3 small photos. Progress. Painstaking progress. You can't forge a new you in the present clinging on to memories of the past. Doesn't mean you forget them. But you don't need the mementos to remind who you are. You integrate them and then move forward with less baggage to carry.

Unfortunately, Goodwill is closed today. But the frames and ornaments are in bags ready to be dropped off tomorrow.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas filled with love and joy.

[Bman]

Day 21

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Did HIIT cardio today

I'm a weightlifter and have been for almost a decade. I've intermittently done cardio here and there in the past. But as I start nearing 30, heart health will start to become more important. So I'm committing to doing it once a week in my training schedule even though I dislike it. It's good for my overall health. It's good for me.

[pancakemouse]

Day 21

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Did HIIT cardio today

I'm a weightlifter and have been for almost a decade. I've intermittently done cardio here and there in the past. But as I start nearing 30, heart health will start to become more important. So I'm committing to doing it once a week in my training schedule even though I dislike it. It's good for my overall health. It's good for me.

I like Doug McGuff's perspective on this. There's no reason to perform additional aerobic or anaerobic activity when weightlifting is properly performed (intense, slow training to failure):

[Bman]

Day 21

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Did HIIT cardio today

I'm a weightlifter and have been for almost a decade. I've intermittently done cardio here and there in the past. But as I start nearing 30, heart health will start to become more important. So I'm committing to doing it once a week in my training schedule even though I dislike it. It's good for my overall health. It's good for me.

I like Doug McGuff's perspective on this. There's no reason to perform additional aerobic or anaerobic activity when weightlifting is properly performed (intense, slow training to failure):

The link between weightlifting and global metabolic conditioning is something I subscribe to. You are correct that doing cardio solely for the cardiovascular benefits may be a weak reason, given that I train intensely in weightlifting.

However, the benefits of endurance training for brain performance, increased V02max, oxygen uptake, and chance to practice sympathetic regulation with breathing are things I can't ignore.

Andrew Huberman reviewed good research on these aspects: https://podcastnotes.org/huberman-lab/e ... erman-lab/



As Doug McGuff mentioned about the study at the end of video between steady state cardio vs sprints, you receive more benefits for oxygen uptake with the sprints. Which is why I chose to do HIIT. Specifically, I did tabata sets - 3-5 sets where one set equals doing 8 rounds of 20 sec sprint, 10 sec rest.

I also think that the average person should train their body to be athletic, adaptable to a wide variety of situations in life. No I'm not going to need to sprint all the time in my life, but it could occur where I need to do a short sprint to run after someone or away from something. This is also why I train bilaterally occasionally in my weightlifting, as everyday life has more bilateral movements than unilateral movements.

Additionally, I get mental conditioning as well. I don't enjoy doing cardio. So making myself do it once a week builds mental fortitude.

So, I believe the time to benefit ratio is worth me spending 20-25 minutes, once a week to do these.

[Bman]

Day 22

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Met up with MilfandCookies
• Men's Group

[Bman]

Day 23

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• Scheduled and did first day of 2nd meditation in the afternoon
• 0/2 cold approach

Skipped a few then approached cute tattooed girl who was waiting on a Lyft. Turns out she's a tattoo artist here. Had boyfriend though. Then was walking past a restaurant and an 8 was sitting alone at a table outside with only one water glass. Luckily I already did a situation like this before, so approached and asked if she was waiting on a date. She wasn't so I proceed to hit on her but she had a boyfriend back home. Shame. That girl had such a delicate touch, sent shivers down my spine.

[Bman]

Day 24

Actions taken:

• Affirmations
• 2nd meditation in the afternoon

Going to record these until it's a habit for me. I have meditated in the morning for 4-5 years now but never been consistent with an afternoon one. Meditation has served me greatly and I think doing another one in the afternoon will be of great benefit. Plus its only 10 minutes. I can set aside 10 minutes every afternoon for myself.

• 1/3 cold approach

Was supposed to have a date today. Sent confirmation text. Ghosted.

Whatever. Let's go approach today.

It was cloudy out today so not as many girls roaming downtown. First girl was crossing the intersection so I met her at the corner and opened. She didn't stop so I just started walking with her. She didn't seem that interested and was busy running an errand. Said she had a boyfriend, but felt like she was just saying that.

Second was walking down the street in hurry as I was crossing the intersection so also met her at the corner. She also didn't stop, so walked with her. She immediately said she had a boyfriend after opening but said thank you.

Both of them were 6's so didn't feel that compelled to approach, but they were bangable so why not. Practice.

Maybe your vibe is off, B. I feel pretty positive though. You probably should have tried to actually stop them. Oh well, onward.

Then saw a really cute girl in a all black and a tube top with a sexy midriff walking towards me. No hesitation, direct front approach. Opened and she was really receptive. She's a bartender at one of the downtown restaurants and was on her way to pick up her check. So I walked with her, teased her, and was vibing well. Took her number when we reached the restaurant. She put in her first and last name and said "don't go stalking me now." Seemed like a good archetype match. From the outside, by the way we were both dressed and acting you would have thought we were already a couple.

Texted her when I got home...

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See if it pans out.

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Question: What are ways to go about opening duos?

@AskTheDom @pancakemouse

I have only ever done it once. One girl was far more attractive than the other, so I opened the attractive one, then spoke with both of them, then asked for the attractive ones number.

However, when they are both attractive my brain can't decide, then I get anxious, and then I don't approach. My gut just says choose one. There was a couple duos today I could have approached, but I'm still intimidated by it.