Long post warning!
TL;DR
- My energy levels dipped and I used that time to meditate and reflect
- Realized how some behaviour and thought patterns are interconnected to childhood emotional neglect, and how those patterns cause physiological reactions
- Found ways to confront the painful memories that trigger my coping mechanisms, soothe my body, and integrate the memories to the present so they don't cause pain anymore
- Definitely one of the hardest steps in my self-development journey thus far. But this seems to be a step forward in my journey with fluctuating energy levels
It's been a long and
extremely tough month. Confronting memories that trigger fight / flight / freeze reaction is probably the most difficult step thus far in my self-development journey. In short, burnout feelings came back with a revenge and got me back to zero energy. Tho there is a bright side to all of it.
So, I was essentially completely out and barely managed to get groceries done since mid December to first week of January. I did get out and play a survivor for Christmas with family and New Year's with friends, but other than that I was completely drained. This isn't anything new really, so at least I was at peace that it does happen. No internal conflict berating me for not getting shit done. Rather, just spending more time observing the feelings instead.
Realizations
Observing the situations did end up raising couple realizations. After noticing that
a Dr K. video and shit ton of TikTok videos on attachment theory were waaaaaay too relatable, I started reflecting how I was experiencing the current situation. Specifically how I have build really high protective walls with my parents, but during the last autumn I've managed to lower my guard with my friends. That drastic difference made me realize how far I've gotten by pushing myself to be open and honest with friends when it comes to e.g. dating casually and participating to kinky events like shibari shows and practice sessions.
At the same time, I was getting extremely annoyed with a pendulum of conflicting thoughts, when it came to the FWB I've caught feelings for. On one hand, I'd like to see it become something more serious, which raises anxiousness on whether she likes me enough, whether her life situation would work for it, whether
my situation would work, what if she just ditches me, etm. Ofc the urge is to put more effort in the relationship and push to see whether it would become something more. On the other hand, I get a subconscious urge to bail because it is getting more intimate and too emotionally comfortable. Like, I have fear deep down that I can't trust this person anyway, so better to GTFO sooner than later. This fear can, at worst, shut me down making me unable to speak to the person. You might wonder wouldn't this be extremely confusing if at one time I act really interested to put in effort and at other time basically refuse to talk? Fuck yes it is. Noticing this pattern was the reason why I've been single for 6+ years now, because it messed up my past girlfriends quite bad.
Normally, I probably wouldn't connect these two realizations to have anything in common. But I went digging a bit deeper with the attachment theory and that made some things click. Essentially the theory suggests that children below 2yo exhibit certain behaviours based on whether they have had their emotional needs met or neglected by the mother (or the primary caregiver). These behavioural patterns then reflect to e.g. romantic relationships when you're an adult. Ofc I can't know what happened when I was 2yo, but it got me thinking that I've been scared to trust my parents since I was really young, like 8yo or younger. In addition, the description of fearful-avoidant (a.k.a. disorganized) fits me disturbingly well. I crave an intimate relationship, but the moment I achieve that I start to sabotage the relationship subconsciously by distancing myself and, at worst, freezing up by losing capability to speak to the person even if I'd want to. And what kind of infants typically exhibit the fearful-avoidant behaviours? Those whose parents act as the source of fear.
Realizing these, I decided these have done enough harm to girls especially (and these seem to somehow link to my tiredness), so now's a good time face these fears.
Going to memories that I had avoided for forever
Okay, that fits me but what can I make out of this? Recognizing an unhealthy behaviour is the first step to fixing it, so I took up
a book on trauma I'd put on my reading list ages ago as well as signed up for therapy. The book ended being extremely useful* because it explained how trauma alters body functions, how a long term emotional neglect and incapability to do anything (e.g. GTFO) to it results in a trauma, and gave leads on therapy techniques how to address, process and integrate traumatic memories into your life.
*Would I recommend the book on trauma for others? No way, unless enjoy reading scientific text in layman terms and you're too curious for your own good about e.g. trauma from child sexual abuse or military deaths. The actionable advice parts were extremely light in the book, and reading the book did trigger my coping mechanisms in a public place accidentally.
With these leads on techniques, I started experimenting with them by myself. I had started with a therapist, but my own way is usually to go all-in with anything. I wasn't just gonna sit down and do nothing while waiting for the next session. So I bunched up ideas I had gathered from TikTok videos and the book into my own "trauma meditation" technique. I created a pillow and blanket fortress to my closet, where I went to meditate while listening to
bilateral music with side-to-side alternating bass sounds. The book suggested that following a steady side-to-side rhythm with your eyes (
the proper therapy is called EMDR) helps process traumatic memories, emotions that rise from them, and transform your body's reaction to them.
As always, I'm extremely skeptical of most of these, but I was extremely surprised when it
worked way too well. I picked a memory that triggered a fight / flight / freeze reaction, which manifested as an
extremely uncomfortable pressure in my chest and an urge to quit
now. But I stayed in that memory, focused on my breathing, and followed the bilateral sound with my eyes. To my surprise, the pressure slowly decreased even if I was in that same triggering memory. After a (long) while, I could even start interacting with the memory.
After soothing the triggered reaction, I looked at parts of me in specific situations and questioned which parts of me tried to protect me, how, and which parts of me were they protecting (
proper therapy called internal family system or IFS). Essentially what I ended up doing was relive the situation, and think what my parents in that situation should've done. And reprimand them for scaring the little me. This allowed me to go through a lot of painful situations and made me realize just how necessary these coping mechanisms were, even if they are counterproductive and dysfunctional now.
What happened after trauma meditating for couple days
I have no idea whether it was because of it, or I just coincidentally happened to regain my energy the moment I had meditated through most of the painful memories. Anyway, I'll take it. I still get painful memories pop up, but they don't cause as bad of a reaction as the first ones did. And that "trauma meditating" technique hasn't failed me once thus far. So I gotta say, for me this goes to the same category of life altering techniques as Byron Katie's 4 questions.
Similarly to the 4 questions, it feels weird just how drastic the difference is. Earlier I was tired and getting triggered physically by descriptions similar to my childhood, now I'm peacefully present even in those memories. Earlier I was a small mess with FWB with conflicting feelings both stemming from own insecurities, now I'm just a bit confused how peaceful I am with her and where did all that back'n'forth in my head vanish into. Like, this didn't happen at snap of fingers but it feels like it. At one moment I was facing an invisible monster, and the next I notice I'm in the present moment completely at peace with the reality.
Tho I didn't stop there. Most of the memories were quite messy, so I ended up writing three self-reflective articles to my blog about my coping mechanisms and where they rose up. Writing those really helped highlight to me how those fairly disconnected problems had similar origins. They all seem to start from feeling that there's no one to trust, and those that you need to trust out of necessity will betray that trust.
Either way, my energies seem to be higher again so I can do stuff that I want to do. I do realize there's a whole another can of worms that I haven't touched yet, which is attempting to lower my defensive walls with parents. I most likely need / want to do that some day, because I also realized that hanging out with them for longer periods (e.g. 3 days over Christmas) was the reason my energy was so low. Losing a month of productive time for a mandatory family Christmas isn't something I really want to see happening again.
