Hawkins Self-Improvement Adventure: 4 Dates in 6 Days

The main purpose of this forum; tell us what goals you're working on.
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Mon Jan 02, 2023 3:50 pm

Hey Everyone,

I’m Hawkins. Andy recently featured a question of mine on his YouTube channel (Vid is “Sexual Shame and Religious Guilt” in case anyone is curious.) In the spirit of the season and in response to being justifiably called out for some of my limiting beliefs I’ve decided it’s high time I make some changes and take some steps. I’m jumping in with both feet here, and this community seems like a good place to find support and like-minded people. I’ve also seen a number of other logs on here where people have shared their stories and their work and achieved some amazing success. I want that. I want that success. And like the man says, if you guys can do it, I sure as hell can too. So here we fucking go.

Background

Let’s talk about where I’ve been. I was raised in a hyper-conservative religious household, as well as living in a family that moved to a new place every 12-18 months like clockwork. I’m also a very lanky, skinny, introverted person who tended towards nerdy hobbies that didn’t involve a lot of social interaction. I spent all my high-school years being home schooled apart from 6am religion courses taught by my local church. The combined effect of this cocktail of circumstances was that I had very little social experience and even less romantic experience. I’m a smart guy so I finished my high school at 16 and left home to attend a religious university run by my church shortly thereafter. For reasons primarily related to my porn addiction (more on that later) I did not date much while I was at that school. Maybe 2 or 3 very forgettable first dates but never a second date.

I was nearing the end of my undergraduate education, about 6 months out from a diploma, and something just broke. I had realized early in my college years that the religion I had been a very devout and believing member of my whole life didn’t quite click just right on a number of levels. As the years went by the gap became wider and wider, until I finally realized that I wanted out. I needed to get out. Anyone who has ever been a part of a really serious orthodox religion will tell you though, it’s your whole life. It’s your everything. You wake, sleep, eat and breathe your religion. My family on both sides had been devout believing members for more generations than I care to count. I had no friends outside the religion. I had no family outside the religion. And to leave is something I had been taught my whole life was a sin worse than anything else I could ever even conceive of doing. Leaving meant, in short, the complete and total collapse of my whole world.

I have struggled with depression most of my life, and in the wake of all of this it became unbearable. I broke down completely and asked my parents if I could please leave the school and come back home. To my everlasting gratitude they said yes. Two days later I had abandoned the school, and my nearly finished degree, and was back living in my parent’s basement at the age of 22. I was at rock bottom. I was depressed and, while I gratefully never attempted suicide, I certainly contemplated it. I had panic attacks the left me basically unable to move for hours at a time. I developed a moderate case of OCD that caused me to wash my hands frequently and brutally, until they were constantly red, raw, cracked, painful, almost bloody. I was an unemployed, suicidal, OCD ridden, train wreck.
To top it off, I had a killer of a porn addiction. I had developed it early in my pre-teen years and it had never gone away. As you can imagine in the environment I was in, it came with a mountain of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. It was both a source and a coping mechanism for all the negative emotions I was feeling. It was also one of the primary blocks I had towards engaging in any romantic relationships of any sort. Feeling like a dirty despicable person has a tendency to convince you that you can’t, even shouldn’t, have (or even attempt) a romantic connection with another person.

But I was lucky. I had my family and their support in my corner and the chance to get back on me feet. They helped me find a therapist and eventually some work. My dad turned me on to the ideas of people like Jordan B. Peterson (who I remain a tremendous fan of and highly recommend). I was down, but not out. My family moved to a new state and I took the chance to go with them and find a new beginning. Things didn’t get better overnight. Not by a long shot. But they did get better. I was able to leave my religion fully behind and begin rebuilding my world. I started waiting tables, an unusually social thing for me to do, and also a steady full-time job. I was lucky and fell into a group of friends I keep to this day while working at the restaurant. I saved enough money to go back to school. I changed my major and graduated Summa Cum Laude from a new university. I applied for and got into a Law School in another state, which I still attend (half-way there baby!). I moved out of my parent’s basement and have my own apartment. I’d always been a lanky skinny kid who dressed like a perpetual 14 year-old. I bought new clothes that fit me and didn’t have sarcastic slogans or video game characters on them. I started working out and put on weight. I started implementing advice from online dating guides, our own KYIL Andy not the least and I went on 5 dates over last summer (A small number yes, but more than the rest of my previous life combined). I had sex for the first time in my life with a childhood friend I reconnected with briefly a year ago.

Pound for pound, things are WAY better today than they were. So much better it’s hard to believe. Writing this out has helped me realize just how much better. It’s a good reminder to be grateful. But things aren’t perfect. I want to keep moving forward and I still have so far to go. I have goals I want to work on and need to improve, and that’s why I’m here.

My Goals

Sex and Relationships

I’ve gone most of my life having an amount of dates I could count on one hand. Besides my mom I grew up in a world of boys and women have always been strange to me. Fear, anxiety and shame around sexuality and a massive fear of rejection kept me from even attempting to speak to women with any amount of romantic intent. But I’ve put in work and things have gotten better. I spent last summer in a large city on an internship and decided to really make an attempt at improvement. I borrowed a camera and took a bunch of photos, following Andy’s Tinder guide. There’s a TON of room for improvement but they’re lightyears better than where I was. I went on 6 dates in 3 months, one from cold approach and 5 from Tinder (including my very first second date). One of those dates even went very well and wound up with us making out for hours at a rooftop bar, which was fucking awesome by the way.

But I’m back at school now and things have stalled HARD. One very forgettable date with a classmate and one Tinder girl who stood me up make up the last 4 months. It’s been very frustrating to go from building a little momentum in the city, to returning to my very small college town and hitting a wall. I need to quit making shitty excuses and move forward. With the exception of the shame and religious guilt I’ve talked about, I think Loneliness has been the defining emotion of my life and I’m FUCKING SICK OF IT. Having one sexual experience in my whole life, and rare and sporadic dates with girls who frankly aren’t that exciting for the most part is NOT acceptable.
Long term, I am very, very much the guy who wants marriage, kids, family, all of that. Absolutely, no question. But before that, I need to build a relationship with a girl who I think is fucking amazing, and who is just as excited to be with me. The advice given here and elsewhere seems to be that the necessary prerequisite for that is to have a large amount of high quality options to choose from. If I just date and marry the first girl who comes along and is kinda nice to me and willing to stick around, that’s settling and it’s a good way to wind up in a relationship that is either unsatisfying or actively bad.

I also want sex. It’s taken a long ass time for me to even get to the point where saying that is something I’m willing to do. But it’s the truth. I don’t think I want an endless stream of casual sex, it sounds unfulfilling in the end to me. As I said, the goal is a relationship and eventually a family. But I want the relationship with that person to be a sexual one, and that means I need to screen for that, gain my own sexual experience, and make that a part of any relationship I have right from the beginning, even when it is still in it’s casual stage.
So right now my immediate goal is to build a dating and sex life with multiple women who are really exciting and wonderful people and become a really exciting and wonderful guy to date. I need to seriously upgrade my Tinder/Bumble profile. I have one or two decent pics I think, but that’s no good. I need six fucking amazing pictures. I also want to do more irl approaching. It’s more terrifying, but that’s the point. I don’t like that it scares me and I want to master it. Plus it allows me more control of the quality of girls I meet. The one girl I did date from cold approach was easily the cutest girl I've ever dated and while I kinda bungled the date itself it sure felt damn nice to get that far.

This is Goal #1. My primary focus. I’m going to have the best damn relationship ever, with an absolutely amazing woman and a great sex life and I’m going to do what it takes to get there. No excuses.

Porn Addiction

As noted above, I have a porn addiction. While the worst of the shame and guilt stemming from my upbringing has been dealt with, the remnants still linger. Depression and anxiety similarly hang around. The porn is, I think, at least partly a coping mechanism for all of those feelings. It also feels like a part of my life that I’m not in control of as much as it controls me, and that’s not healthy. I want to grow and develop to a point where I never compulsively engage in porn use, and I replace it with healthy constructive emotional regulation mechanisms and sexuality that actually involves a real person instead of a damn computer.

I’m going to try a few things here. One, when the desire to look at porn emerges, I’m going to try really hard to say to myself “Ok hold on just a second. Let’s try to identify exactly what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and if there are other ways we can deal with it.” I’m also going to try being gentler with myself and viewing all of this as an opportunity for growth and positive development, rather than some horrible disgusting thing I have to purge from my life.

Great Body

I started working out two years ago, and progress has been there. I got up to, at maximum, 190 lbs over this last summer (I’m 6’1”) which was far heavier than I’ve ever been. I decided I wanted to cut some body fat so I lost 20 lbs over about 4 months and got to 18% body fat. I want to eventually be under 15% and possibly 12% in the hopes of getting the holy grail, a six pack. But more immediately, I’ve decided to begin a very clean bulk. I want to put on muscle and size so that when I cut, there’s something there.

I’ve set myself strength goals of benching 225, squatting 315, and deadlifting 405. As of today, I bench 165, squat 205, and deadlift 300. My strength stopped growing during my cut and that was demoralizing so I plan to continue a bulk of 3000 calories a day, getting at least 190g protein a day until I achieve those strength goals. After that point, I’ll start a cut to get the bodyfat percentage down.

I’ve never been happy with the way my body looks. Almost no one is and I’m no exception. But it’s in my power to change it. I want to get to a point where I can walk around at a beach and feel proud and happy with how I look. And I’m not gonna lie, catching a few thirsty glances from the ladies is a fantasy everyone has that I’d sure like to live out.

Career/School

I am currently in my second year of law school in the United States. I want to be a criminal lawyer, likely doing defense work. I’m well on my way at the moment, getting good grades and all that. My goal here is to wind up with a job making over 6 figures. I think this is a comfortably achievable goal with a law degree. While I could push for more, I’m not sure why I’d do that. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, and even making 6 figures sounds like a truly obscene amount of money to me. Besides that, I don’t believe more money would make me any happier. Lawyers have a reputation for being workaholics and I don’t want to do that. I don’t mind working hard but I need balance in my life and working 60+ hours a week would start to sacrifice other goals and things I want and need in my life. Taking time away from my ability to go to the gym, spend pursuing and working on my relationship goals, etc.

Nevertheless, this is a thing that is very front and center of my life right now. I need to keep my grades up, find internships, apply for jobs, succeed in my classes, and find where in the country I want to work. There’s an appeal to the big cities like New York, LA, Dallas, Chicago, etc. But cost of living is very high there. I’m unsure if I should pursue those places or a more mid-level market. My plan is to keep studying and apply for many many jobs and internships to cast a wide net and keep my options open.

Friends

I want to build a friend group around me. Like minded guys and girls who are on self-improvement journeys and want to work together, support each other, and just hang out together honestly. While I maintain a friend group from my table-waiting days, They live several states away from me and I don’t see them often. I’d like to have people who are actually around to see in person. Online doesn’t really cut it. I’m an introverted person, but not so introverted that I wouldn’t like to have a couple of buddies to hang out and watch a football game with, or go hit up a restaurant with occasionally. I’ve tried making friends with classmates here at law school but that has gone generally poorly. People flake out on me when I try to plan things, ignore texts, and generally blow me off repeatedly. I need to keep from getting down, focus on what I can control and keep searching until I find people I click with.

Conclusion

This post has already gone on longer than it should so I’m gonna wrap up. I’m here trying to build my self-improvement skills with a primary focus on developing an amazing sex and dating life and quitting a porn addiction. I’m hoping to become a part of this community, get support and advice for working on my own goals, as well as support you guys and help where I can. I’ve been able to grow out of some dark places because I had people who cared enough to support me and if I can help anyone else do the same, then that feels like a good way to pay it forward. We’re all gonna make it guys. Show a little faith.
Last edited by Hawkins on Sun May 28, 2023 11:37 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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colgate
Posts: 919 | Thanks: 1775
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Mon Jan 02, 2023 8:08 pm

welcome man.
Hawkins wrote:
Mon Jan 02, 2023 3:50 pm
I was raised in a hyper-conservative religious household
omfg same.

glad to see you start a log
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michaelho068
Posts: 58 | Thanks: 33
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2022 11:37 pm
Name: Michael
Goal: Get Laid
Age: 20
Motto: Never give up.
Location: Santa Monica

Mon Jan 02, 2023 8:42 pm

Glad to hear that your parents support you man. Good luck on your journey
Self-loathing loser from 13 -> 19 years old.

I'm 20 now with much higher self esteem, higher confidence, and now I'm trying to figure out how to get better with women(and talking to people in general).
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Manly Cockfellow
Posts: 449 | Thanks: 358
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2022 8:14 pm
Goal: Become the men I fear
Age: 37
Motto: Mk no smll plans; thy hv no pwr to stir mens blood

Wed Jan 04, 2023 1:12 pm

Hawkins wrote:
Mon Jan 02, 2023 3:50 pm
I’m here trying to build my self-improvement skills with a primary focus on developing an amazing sex and dating life and quitting a porn addiction.
Beautiful story and beautiful post.


I know several guys have had success quitting porn with this method, so maybe it will work for you as well:

https://easypeasymethod.org/


The method that worked for me (after struggling for years with a porn addiction myself) was turning my urge to masturbate into a chance to grow (literally) by doing PE exercises to videos of myself having sex.

Obviously this requires you to record yourself having sex first, so until then if you need an external stimulus I would recommend something real where both of the people in the video are experiencing genuine pleasure, because this will at least give you a few things to try with partners in the future.

A great source for material like this are porn-for-women sites like the chickflixxx subreddit:

https://www.reddit.com/r/chickflixxx/


Also, check out The Sex God Method (corny title I know, but it's legit) if you really want to have incredible sex:

https://archive.org/details/sex-god-met ... m/mode/1up


And here's the exercise I do, which is primarily for gaining girth, and the subreddit with several other exercises you can select from depending on your PE goals:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AJelqForYou/wiki/index/

Timed Pressure Hold - Basic

-To perform it, form an OK sign grip with thumb and forefinger at the base of your flaccid penis with the palm facing you, not too tight.

-Fingers should be lubricated with lotion that doesn’t dry out easily and washes off quickly.

-Circle the shaft tightly and either Kegel in blood or stimulate (use your erection) to add blood to the shaft above your grip.

-Be sure your foreskin is retracted, unless you want the foreskin to grow along with the head.

-To add blood, open the grip and either Kegel in blood or let the erection mechanism do it (DO NOT continue to get fully hard).

-Continue to allow more and more blood in by opening and closing your grip, with the grip ALWAYS going back to the tight grip seal it was when you started while flaccid.

-As you add increasingly more blood, the entire shaft and head will begin to feel tighter and start to become slightly painful with the stretching sensation. The head will become shiny and stretched very tight.

-At this point, HOLD that grip/pressure and dwell on that overall stretching pain sensation.

-DO NOT perform kegels while under pressure of either manual or device clamping.

-To maintain/add pressure you can squeeze the grip tighter to increase pressure as well.

-Hold as long as you can, (30 or more seconds up to a few minutes depending upon grip strength/stamina) and then reset and repeat until a total of 5 minutes have gone by.

-At the 5 minute mark, release your grip and massage the shaft and head to restore circulation for 2-5 minutes (also helps prevent discoloration) and then start another 5 minute expansion session.

-To be clear, all you need is to feel the stretching/pinching sensation for it to work.

-Session length should only be 30 minutes of the 5 on/5 off sessions at first for safety. Eventually as your stamina/conditioning increases, increase your daily session length to 1+ hours.

-Next level exercise: Modified Jelqs, found in the Monster Girth post in this WIKI.


Welcome and good luck!
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Thu Jan 05, 2023 3:09 am

colgate wrote:
Mon Jan 02, 2023 8:08 pm
welcome man.
Hawkins wrote:
Mon Jan 02, 2023 3:50 pm
I was raised in a hyper-conservative religious household
omfg same.

glad to see you start a log
I appreciate the welcome man. I'm sure my story is far from unique, but it's nice to hear that other people can relate. Makes things less isolating.
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Thu Jan 05, 2023 3:31 am

Here to write a check-in post. I've been on semester break visiting family which has been wonderful in some ways but counterproductive in others.

Positives: Time with family, Time with friends, A much needed mental reset after the stress of final exams
Negatives: Shitty holiday diet, minimal exercise, poor sleep schedule

Another positive to mention is that I recently was able to have a three day streak of zero porn. That's on the long side for me and I'm rather happy about it. Today makes my second day in a row with zero porn and I'm gonna try and go for four days this time. I'm travelling back to school tomorrow and I tend to find those days stressful, and often a catalyst for porn usage so I'll try to watch myself carefully to understand what is going on.

Being back at school in my own apartment, rather than with my family, will also let me reassert control over my diet. I've made quite a bit of progress on diet lately so I expect things to be fairly smooth sailing there. I'll post an update about how well I've kept to that in a few days or so.

I also will be back in the gym. I've decided to up my gym time this semester to a 6 day PPL split on the theory that training the major muscle groups 2x a week is optimal for muscle growth. I have a workout plan mostly worked out from last semester that I should be able to adapt fairly easily

Final note is that I bought a copy of a book Andy often recommends, Loving What Is by Byron Katie. I'll give it a read and see what I think. I'm familiar with stoicism, and think it's a deeply wise and compelling philosophy, if ultimately incomplete. Friedrich Nietzsche described it as self-tyranny, and I think there's some justification in that. But I have an open mind and I'm curious.

I'll report back in a few days once I've settled in to my apartment. Good luck guys!

We're all gonna make it. Show a little faith.
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colgate
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Thu Jan 05, 2023 4:31 am

Hawkins wrote:
Thu Jan 05, 2023 3:31 am
I'm travelling back to school tomorrow and I tend to find those days stressful, and often a catalyst for porn usage so I'll try to watch myself carefully to understand what is going on
i'm trying to promospam meditation to everyone and i think this is a good scenario to test it on

next time you have an urge, see if meditating for 10 minutes instead helps and let me know (if 10 minutes sounds too hard, even 3 minutes is fine)

viewtopic.php?p=49120#p49120 method i use
💁🏽‍♂️🐶
5'5" indian in 🇺🇸→🇯🇵, childhood in religious cult, turned teenage internet gay, now aspiring toxic male.
📖 My Story

🥰 dating log
💪🏾 training log

see my interview!
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Sat Jan 14, 2023 11:49 pm

Hey Everyone! I've just wrapped up my first week of classes at Law School and it felt like time for an update.

Porn Addiction: I did not make it four days without porn, but I have made a lot of progress on reframing my mentality around this. I'm no longer thinking of it like a horrible challenge to overcome, and am looking at it more as an opportunity. This has helped and I've made a pair of two day streaks without porn in the last week, which I'm very proud of. I'm currently on another 2 day streak and I really think I'm going to make it 4 days this time. 2 days has started to feel comfortable, and the urge to look at porn daily isn't something I'm feeling right now, which is fucking awesome! I'm really jazzed about it actually and I think things are slowly moving in a direction I'm happy with.

Body Goals: Being back in my own apartment has been fantastic for my physical goals and I'm REALLY psyched about how well I've been doing with them lately. I track my food intake closely, using MyFitnessPal, which is a fantastic free online resource I highly recommend to people. It's what enabled me to lose 20 pounds in 4 months last year. I've set myself fitness goals for the year. I want to bench press 225lbs by the end of the year. Right now my PR is 165. Quick math says that means I need to increase my max by 5lbs a month. I also want to add as much weight as possible to my squats and deadlifts in the year, but Benching 225 has been a goal of mine for a while so I'm going to focus on that. Accordingly, I've upped my calorie intake to 3000 kcal a day with at minimum 180g Protein. With the exception of two days when I was grinding a huge paper for a deadline for basically 40 straight hours, I've hit my food goals every day since I got here. I've also set myself a workout routine that calls for a 6 day PPL/PPL split. Last semester I was pretty consistent with a 5 day split, and I felt like I was recovering well, so I'm going to try 6 days and see how that works. I've also started running 30 minutes a day before breakfast. I'm really enjoying that and I think I'm going to stick with it. I started posting a short instagram story after my runs as a way of keeping myself accountable. There's room for improvement on consistency, but all said I'm very happy with how I've kept on top of these goals right now. I'll keep with it and report back.

Career/School Goals: Also going well I'm happy to say! I finally received grades for last semester and they were the highest grades I've gotten at law school yet! Grades can be overrated but I definitely feel happy and validated about the work I've put in. I'm also very happy with the classload I'm taking this semester. I like all of my classes and all of my professors quite a bit. Like I said, I had a massive deadline yesterday for a draft of a year-long paper, and that was a bit rough. I haven't been as diligent about working on it as I should have been and I paid for my procrastination. But I got it in and can put it out of my mind for a moment while I settle into the semester. I've also been applying for jobs! I generally avoid applying for jobs since I find the process unpleasant, but I managed to fill out two applications today with plans to submit more tomorrow. I've really focused in my interests in working in criminal law and it feels nice to have that goal firmly established. I like litigation, I like courtrooms. Public speaking doesn't intimidate me and I think the whole process is really exciting. My biggest focus on this front right now is job applications. I need to fill out a crap ton of those. I've put it off too long already and need to really hit it hard.

Friends: Getting back into school has reacquainted me with my classmates of course. I've struggled in the past to really find a group of people to click with. I think the fact that my political views differ significantly from the average of my classmates has something to do with that. Law school is a HYPER liberal environment and I generally avoid politics when I can, and dislike extremism in general. But I have made a couple of outreaches anyways. One guy and I have planned to get together Monday night to watch the NFL playoff game and I'm excited for that. Another girl I know and hung out with once or twice in previous semesters bumped into me and I asked if she wanted to come watch some Star Trek some time, since we are both fans. She said yes but I'm skeptical of her sincerity. Nevertheless I'll be optomistic and see what happens.

Sex/Relationship goals: *sigghhhhh* Unfortunately things have been same-old, same-old here. And I really don't know what to do about it. In a town of only a few thousand people I can't exactly go out and cold approach on the streets. Tinder is a wasteland too. Nevertheless, I don't want to languish in excuses and limiting beliefs. I'm really working on those right now. I'm working hard on my mentality surrounding dating. I've always believed that a woman, particularly a beautiful one, would never want to date me. To help me break that, I took ANDY's advice and wrote a list of 50 reasons a girl would be lucky to date me. (I guess I could post it if anyone cares, but this post is long enough as it is.) I think that's helping. I feel happier and more confident these days, which is awesome. And if I put my excuses aside, I do see cute girls around when I'm at the campus weight room, or walking around campus. I just don't talk to them. I remember seeing one particular girl at the gym. I told myself over and over I should talk to her. But all the voices in my head came up. "Oh she has her headphones on, she's busy, leave her alone, she doesn't want to talk to you, she just wants to work out without being harassed." and I didn't speak to her. It's a small gym and the thought of everyone seeing me, or of her shooting me down and then seeing me in there over and over, stopped me. I need to beat these thoughts, but it's hard. Any advice would be much appreciated. In terms of actions I can take, I plan to go out this weekend and take more Tinder photos. even if it's a wasteland here, I won't be here forever and I want to have good photos for when I'm somewhere with more opportunity. Look for a post asking for peoples help picking good ones in the next few days.

And that's the run through. Thanks for reading, anyone who made it. All together, my mood is very high lately, and I feel happy and optimistic. This is my year. I'm gonna fucking crush it. I know I am. Putting in the work feels more like a privilege, rather than a chore, moreso than probably ever before and I'm fucking psyched about it. There's room to grow, but I'm gonna make it. We all are. Show a little faith!
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Sun Feb 05, 2023 1:00 am

Hey Everyone.

I haven't been posting. But I am not giving up on my goals. I'm reevaluating what has gone wrong and tackling this thing again.

So. I've found that I resist posting here for essentially one reason. Shame. I find that I struggle to take action, and to take the action I have said that I will. I fail to do what I want to do, what I tell myself I will do, and what I tell you guys I will do. And then I think, "I can't post. What will everyone think? I don't deserve to post. I've failed and need to just stay away because these people will judge me and think I'm a loser." And this of course turns into a vicious cycle, where then, because I am not posting, I'm not even bothering to set goals. I'm just doing nothing but self medicating with porn and sitting in my apartment making no progress on the things I want to address.

So. New Strategy. I'm taking advice often given around here and giving myself permission to suck. I'm allowed to fail. I'm allowed to be bad at this and stumble and fall. But I'm going to try anyways. I'm also taking the advice around here about keeping myself accountable. I've been running every morning for the last few weeks (minus a few days where i was sick and used it as an excuse not to go, but i'm not that upset about that) and one of the things that has helped me is to post a short Instagram video of me immediately after my run. The every day accountability has helped me stay the course there. I'm going to try the same here. I'm going to post in this log every day. They won't be long, they won't be in depth. But i'm going to post every day about the things I did (DID, past tense. Not "will do") that day to achieve my goals. I'm allowed to suck. I can live with sucking. But I don't want to live with not trying. I'll show a little faith.

I want to work on having set out, concrete, trackable goals to achieve every day that will lead me to my overall goals, and will try to develop them. But that's a problem for tomorrow.

DAY 1:

Today I ran for 30 minutes.
Today I went to the gym and put in a back workout. I felt stronger than last week and completed lifts I could not complete last time.
Today I hit my calorie goals. 3200 calories and 200 g protein.
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Mon Feb 06, 2023 6:15 am

Day 2:

I've committed to posting every day, talking about the things I did today to work on my goals.

Today I went running for 30 minutes
Today I hit my calorie goals. 3200 Calories and 200 g protein.
Today I spent 2 hours prepping for a school competition happening 1 week from today.
Today I preped for a presentation i'm giving in class tomorrow
Today I filled out 1 job application.
Today I did not look at porn.

See y'all tomorrow.
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Tue Feb 07, 2023 4:05 am

Day 3:

Today was a mixed day. Interesting things happened.

Today I put in a good Push workout. Chest, shoulders, and Triceps. I lifted more than last time and felt really strong. I've noted in my notebook to increase weights next week for these exercise. Feels nice to see progress

Today I met my calorie goals. 3200 Cal and 200g protein. I am still streamlining exactly how to structure my diet. I'm hitting calorie goals, but it's in a haphazard and generally unstructured manner. I need to figure out how to do better on this.

Today I got a callback from a job application! A law firm I applied to over the weekend called me to set up an interview, which is awesome! The job seems honestly really really good, though the location isn't ideal. Regardless I'm very excited. interview is next week.

Today I did a cold approach! Only the second one I have done in the last several months. A cute girl at the gym was taking a break between sets and I went up to her, said "Hi, i saw you over here and I thought you were really cute, and I wanted to introduce myself." I reached out to shake her hand. She said her name very shortly and refused to shake my hand. Her tone, her body language, and the way she deadpan stared daggers at me put a quick end to anything. I said "You seem like I'm bothering you. I'll leave you be. Enjoy the gym!" And walked away. The whole interaction lasted maybe 10 seconds and she literally said one word.
I'm trying not to take it personally. Maybe I caught her on a bad day. Maybe her dog just died. Maybe she just failed a test in school. Maybe she just doesn't like guys with beards. Could be anything. Maybe she's a total bitch and i dodged a bullet. Who knows? I'll get over it. I'll move on. I've done two approaches in the last two weeks, after doing zero for over five months. 2 is not a sample size. It's essentially zero. This shit is a numbers game and I need to keep at it. I'm proud of myself for going up and trying. Approaching is genuinely terrifying. I don't like doing it. But i did it. That's something. Not gonna lie though. It still feels like shit.

Mixed day. I'll be back at it tomorrow!
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pancakemouse
Posts: 1768 | Thanks: 1052
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2021 4:14 pm
Goal: Master cold approach
Age: 33

Tue Feb 07, 2023 5:20 am

Hawkins wrote:
Tue Feb 07, 2023 4:05 am
Today I did a cold approach! Only the second one I have done in the last several months. A cute girl at the gym was taking a break between sets and I went up to her, said "Hi, i saw you over here and I thought you were really cute, and I wanted to introduce myself." I reached out to shake her hand. She said her name very shortly and refused to shake my hand. Her tone, her body language, and the way she deadpan stared daggers at me put a quick end to anything. I said "You seem like I'm bothering you. I'll leave you be. Enjoy the gym!" And walked away. The whole interaction lasted maybe 10 seconds and she literally said one word.
I'm trying not to take it personally. Maybe I caught her on a bad day. Maybe her dog just died. Maybe she just failed a test in school. Maybe she just doesn't like guys with beards. Could be anything. Maybe she's a total bitch and i dodged a bullet. Who knows? I'll get over it. I'll move on. I've done two approaches in the last two weeks, after doing zero for over five months. 2 is not a sample size. It's essentially zero. This shit is a numbers game and I need to keep at it. I'm proud of myself for going up and trying. Approaching is genuinely terrifying. I don't like doing it. But i did it. That's something. Not gonna lie though. It still feels like shit.
I'll say this: I have 4000 daygame approaches under my belt and even I don't really approach girls at the gym, and when I do, it's definitely not directly. It's probably the place you're going to get the worst reactions with a direct approach.

What I recommend instead is testing her interest level by making small talk or using a situational opener.
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Squilliam
Posts: 2060 | Thanks: 361
Joined: Thu Dec 30, 2021 12:57 am
Goal: Be happy
Age: 24
Motto: Pain is temporary. Greatness lasts forever

Tue Feb 07, 2023 3:12 pm

Yeah, girls tend to be pretty wary about being approached at the gym. I think in general, it's best to avoid direct approaches in environments where they are likely to see you again. Direct approaches set a sexual frame immediately and thus you'll turn off the girl if she isn't immediately interested in you.
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Manly Cockfellow
Posts: 449 | Thanks: 358
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2022 8:14 pm
Goal: Become the men I fear
Age: 37
Motto: Mk no smll plans; thy hv no pwr to stir mens blood

Tue Feb 07, 2023 8:47 pm

Hawkins wrote:
Tue Feb 07, 2023 4:05 am
Today I did a cold approach! Only the second one I have done in the last several months. A cute girl at the gym was taking a break between sets and I went up to her, said "Hi, i saw you over here and I thought you were really cute, and I wanted to introduce myself." I reached out to shake her hand. She said her name very shortly and refused to shake my hand. Her tone, her body language, and the way she deadpan stared daggers at me put a quick end to anything. I said "You seem like I'm bothering you. I'll leave you be. Enjoy the gym!" And walked away. The whole interaction lasted maybe 10 seconds and she literally said one word.
I'm trying not to take it personally. Maybe I caught her on a bad day. Maybe her dog just died. Maybe she just failed a test in school. Maybe she just doesn't like guys with beards. Could be anything. Maybe she's a total bitch and i dodged a bullet. Who knows? I'll get over it. I'll move on. I've done two approaches in the last two weeks, after doing zero for over five months. 2 is not a sample size. It's essentially zero. This shit is a numbers game and I need to keep at it. I'm proud of myself for going up and trying. Approaching is genuinely terrifying. I don't like doing it. But i did it. That's something. Not gonna lie though. It still feels like shit.
Every time I hear about a guy being surprised by a girl's seemingly poor reaction to his approach I think of this:


Discussion of female frogs that bully male frogs on their initial approach, and then only mate with the ones who bully them back starts at 11:44

They are talking about the frogs in the context of rough sex, but I think it is even more useful for understanding why women's initial reaction to men often seems harsh.
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Hawkins
Posts: 38 | Thanks: 47
Joined: Sat Jun 11, 2022 3:56 pm
Goal: Relationship
Age: 27
Motto: Show a little faith, there's magic in the night

Wed Feb 08, 2023 4:13 am

First off, Thanks to you guys for replying. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to reach out and share their thoughts. It means a lot.
I'll say this: I have 4000 daygame approaches under my belt and even I don't really approach girls at the gym, and when I do, it's definitely not directly. It's probably the place you're going to get the worst reactions with a direct approach.

What I recommend instead is testing her interest level by making small talk or using a situational opener.
Yeah, girls tend to be pretty wary about being approached at the gym. I think in general, it's best to avoid direct approaches in environments where they are likely to see you again. Direct approaches set a sexual frame immediately and thus you'll turn off the girl if she isn't immediately interested in you.
Thanks for sharing your feedback @Squilliam and @pancakemouse . I'll admit I am somewhat surprised to receive it though. My impression from the site generally, as well as Andy's podcast and article content was that direct approach was favored and even better. I gravitated towards this community because the emphasis on complete honesty and openness seemed much more in line with who I wanted to be than the standard pick-up artist fare, which seems to me to be generally manipulative, deceitful, and unpleasant.
Please don't think I'm accusing you guys of that. It's not my intent. I just struggle to know what else exactly to do. I'm not confident or smooth, and I don't have the first idea how to be flirty. Approaching at all makes me so nervous I feel like my legs are going to buckle. I guess just being blunt and straightforward felt like it was something I could handle and feel at peace with.
How would you guys recommend I approach things differently then? I want to be honest and open and kind, and If you guys have suggestions to make that work I'd love to hear them.

Thank you @Manly Cockfellow for your response as well. I appreciate the fact that anyone cares. Honestly though, I'm unsure what to take away from your comments though. I understand that not all women will be receptive, and some will even be aggressive about how unreceptive they are, but I have no desire to bully anyone into anything. Hell, I don't even want to CONVINCE anyone to do anything. I'm actually not even sure if that's possible. I'd much rather find someone who just WANTED to be with me. I don't want to play games, I don't want to put up some front, and I don't want to have to show off or perform for a girl. If I'm misunderstanding your comments or am otherwise making some error, I'd appreciate your feedback.

Anyways,
DAY 4:

Today I ran for 30 minutes. I'm having to take it easy on my runs because I'm getting bad shin splints. I'm looking for solutions.
Today I put in a back workout. It was good, but i was frustrated on my deadlifts. My grip keeps giving out. I'll keep at it though.
Today I met my calorie goals. I'm proud that I am consistently meeting them.
Today I ate lunch with a buddy of mine at the school. I really enjoyed it. He's a cool guy I'd like to hang out with more. It feels nice to have a friend here.
Today I did not look at porn. Currently on a 3 day streak of no porn which I'm proud of. Tomorrow will be 4 days, tied with my record.

All in all, I'm very stressed today. School is ridiculously busy right now. The next two weeks are going to be rough. But I'll get through them
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