JMAND's Progress Log

[jmand]

Hey y'all,

My intention for being here is to 1) form a community and receive help around my goals and 2) contribute to all of you and help you achieve your goals.

Intro:
- I'm working on shifting careers from project management to life coaching and now have two clients
- I live in Seattle with my partner and our two cats
- I work remotely and full-time as a project manager for a behavioral health organization
- I'm in a men's group that meets twice a month
- I'm in the second year of a group coaching program
- I've overcome fear of judgement and consistently post on my instagram @meta.dude


Goals:

Mission Objective: Metadude Becomes Full-time Job
KR1: Pass Project Management Professional Certification and get raise
KR2: Transition day job to 4 days per week and shift to 2 days per week working on Metadude
KR3: Increase clients from 2 to 10 and monthly revenue from $1k to $5k
KR4: Optimize sales funnel from IG and YT vids to discovery calls
KR5: Standardize work schedule

Relationships: Create 10/10 social life
KR1: Complete AA Program
KR2: Push Primary Relationship to 10/10
KR3: 1-2 nights of meeting new people per week
KR4: 2 fwb
KR5: A vibrant IRL community with similar values and ambitions

Health Objective: Build a body that looks and feels great every day
KR1: Complete MAPS Anabolic 12-week program and start the next one
KR2: Meal planning and shopping one week at a time
KR3: Complete Hip Mobility and Orthotics Eliminator program 12-week
KR4: Meditate 2x/day
KR5: Start running 2-3x/week


I'm excited to be part of a community committed to self-growth!

[natedawg]

Welcome, fellow Seattle-lite! Glad to have you here. Those are solid goals.

[jmand]

Welcome, fellow Seattle-lite! Glad to have you here. Those are solid goals.

Awesome that you live here - I saw you post on Bman's update after his bdsm night too. Great to meet you, natedawg.

[jmand]

I took three days off from my habits, partly to help focus on giving my partner an awesome birthday trip (because I fucked up last year's so much - centered lack of sex in our relationship and ended up having a pretty horrible time).

We had a couple great sex sessions on the trip. An interesting development - I got blue balls for only the second time in my life. I've been taking more testosterone-enhancing supplement and I'm wondering if that had something to do with it.

I've also been getting truly great at achieving non-ejaculatory orgasms. I've gotten to the point where we can be fucking and if I just stop for a moment and relax, it automatically pulses through my body. The biggest recent factors in creating this change have been eliminating pelvic floor tension when masturbating and limiting porn to almost zero.

I'm stoked to be getting back on my habits again, and am fully expecting it to be tough to do so. I'll re-assess in the future if it's worth taking breaks for vacations and travel.

[jmand]

Here's an entry from my journal today that I though y'all might appreciate:

Big thing today day was seeing some random intagram video, which I traced to youtube, which I traced back to the model's instagram, which is a girl I used to jack off to. I got nearly overwhelmed by desire and exited the windows but then masturbated to the memory of the images. It's been a while since I officially masturbated to porn, but these things still crop up. The reason why I masturbated was my frustration at having the desire and wanting to not have it. This is partly a result of listening to more christian stuff recently. Making it a bit more taboo in my mind and moving slightly further away from actually pursuing other partners. It made it seem more erotic and frustrating to see the women I'm attracted to online - anger at the visceral erotic pull and less belief that I could actually get there because I'd been removing the possibility in my mind

It seems like there is an energetic pattern around sexuality and attractiveness and power/desirability/hierarchy in my life. One reason why I've been drawn to christian stuff in the last couple weeks is because it's a perfect excuse to avoid what I fear the most - talking to women I'm attracted to.

I failed the goal of approaching 7 women. But I did think about doing it. That's a little bit closer. In fact, the whole pattern of christian stuff, ejaculating 4 times in like 5 or 6 days, going to the strip club with christine, was probably spurred by this approaching goal.

[jmand]

My first date with someone other than my primary was Wednesday and I was nervous as fuck going into it.

Met her on Feeld, couple quick messages checking each other's vibe, a few reschedules, and here we are.

I had therapy earlier that day and we discussed what a crazy enhanced state this puts me in. I tend to unconsciously seek comfort, but when I consciously step into discomfort and growth, everything changes. From the time I woke up until after my date ended around 4pm, everything was more vibrant. Songs had more meaning. Conversations had more meaning - I chose to dive deep instead of keeping it easy and light. Time moved slower. It wasn't comfortable, but it was fucking LIVING.

I arrive at the coffee shop a few minutes before, scan the place, she's not there. Start to feel a little awkward and instinctively head to the bathroom - they are both occupied. I can feel myself getting in that stifled and self-conscious state of "I wonder what the baristas are thinking". Of course, they don't give a fuck what I'm doing.

Before the bathrooms open, she walks in.

She's a bit more"granola" than I expected, even though I was expecting her to be a bit hippy and nerdy. Her hair is back in a bandana. Wearing glasses that are a little rainbow colored, somehow. She's tall, like 5'11''.

She's all smiles, we hug, I ask her if I can buy her drink. I go for green tea, she does a chai latte.

After we sit down, I am still a bit nervous, but I'm zoned in and aware. Miles ahead of where I used to be 4 years ago. I notice myself leaning forward and her leaning forward. I notice how loudly she is talking in coffee shop where there are about a dozen other people who are all working, notice my cringing and embarrassment, and then relax by reminding myself that she doesn't represent who I am and she is not a part of my identity. Still kind of annoying though.

I also notice her full lips and great teeth - I love a good mouth. I notice her she laughs silently and bobs up and down a little like a video game character. She's a software engineer and it shows by how she talks, how she prides herself on her logical mind, and how flattered she is every time I say "fascinating" or "interesting".

I let her do the talking for the first 20ish minutes, and then I unconsciously start to want to express MYSELF. In retrospect, I got a little in my ego here and would have been fine hearing more about her. I tell her a bit about my life coaching business and what it's like to coach people and she asks great follow-up questions and is engaging. She is a good conversationalist.

We chat for about 30-40 in the coffee shop and then I ask if she wants to walk around. I feel my energy freeing up a bit as we walk outside. In the coffee shop, even though I noticed myself leaning in, it felt fine and I stayed like that most of the time. She did too. I was a bit stifled throughout. Probably like a 6/10 expressiveness and groundedness. Outside that nudged up to a 7.

We are chatting and walking pretty fast and it's great conversation, but a bit friendly. I can feel myself getting turned on, partly due to retention for a couple weeks prior - in the past it has been hard for me to feel my libido on first dates, but I've also been doing a lot of work in this area in my relationship, in men's group, in coaching, and in therapy. I keep glancing at her, and I'm wondering how the fuck I'll kiss close in the middle of a park when it's 50 degrees. Pulling isn't really an option - my partner said she wants to "ease into this" (I don't like her implicit claim of ownership on my dick, but how can I really respond to something like that?) and both of us live with our SOs.

I'm not even really planning that far ahead, but there is a little indoor plant museum thing and I take her in there. The energy slows down as we look at the plants. Great opportunity to lead, push pull, subtle body dynamics. I can face her fully, turn to the side, make eye contact. I'm not overthinking it, just noticing how we are interacting in this different environment.

In the second room I sit on a bench and she sits next to me. We go back and forth talking for a couple minutes. By the way, I've been doing the triangle gaze since we first sat down at the coffee shop - she's got great lips and I don't mind her seeing me glance at them every so often as we talk. So, I'm doing that a bit more here and I feel the tension build. Now, I'm not super embodied at this moment. I've been a bit heady, lots of logical talk, asking questions about her job, about her interests, etc. So, when this sexual tension is all of a sudden there and we are holding eye contact for a few seconds in silence, I look away and smile. I think it's probably endearing and it works fine for me, but it's also a little bit of breaking frame and not being able to hold the sexual energy in my body.

I tell her she's pretty. She says thank you. I ask if I can kiss her, she says yes. I kiss her. It's good. Slow, sensual, intimate. I feel myself getting aroused and I like it. She shyly asks about "logistics", since we both have partners. Wow. Forward. I fucking love it. And I also don't have an answer. There is about a week-long window in which my partner will be out during the day, and I say so.

Long term logistics for this lifestyle is something I will need to figure out. Boss up, scale my business, and get another apartment? Maybe. I could get an office in Seattle for $300-400 and just put a couch and a bed in there for pulling. Seems kinda crazy from my current frame of mind, but maybe that's the move. My girl isn't super into threesomes right now, despite us having an incredible one last December. But that girl was a 9. Maybe if I start pulling hotter girls, threesomes would be on the table and logistics could be solved. We will see.

We leave the plant place and walk around a bit more, then go up to this tower in the park where you can look out and not many people are up there. Some people leave and I see her glancing around as we are talking. I think she wants to kiss again, but I also feel fucking rusty after so long. I keep talking, and probably waste an opportunity for a quick blowjob. We can hear a family starting to come up the long stairs and I ask her if I can kiss her again.

Definitely cringe a bit thinking back to this. If there is a low point for me in the date, it was me asking to kiss her after she already said I could 20 minutes before. It was still fine and I felt her up a bit more, but I felt like a bit of a chump. Again, want to give myself kudos for doing it. For speaking and asking for what I want. The learning edge is being able to feel into the moment, be embodied, and ask her if she wants to kiss by holding my hand out or stepping towards her, instead of verbally like a little kid asking for dessert.

She's gotta go, we talk about plans, things look good.

I follow up and say I had a fun time, she says she did too. I make a joke, she actually lols in the text. But generally, our text vibe is pretty logical and not great. At last update, I sent her a reply to her last message, then another follow-up on something we talked about, and then a direct question she didn't respond to. My best theory for why I got myself in this position is wanting more validation from her. I think she can feel that. I am also used to being in a partnership and living with someone - that's the context my sexuality has been in for a long time now and little texts like this work really well for me with my partner.

I feel a bit butt hurt and find my ego monologuing about "respect" in my head. She's got a 3 person roster of dudes, two of which have their own place and one of which she lives with. She's probably somewhat interested in me and open to fucking, but doesn't have time for chit chat. She's probably like a 7.5-8.5 - although a lot of that for me depends on our sexual chemistry. She could be a 9 if we fuck well (at least theoretically - I feel like a newb again after such a long time with one girl, having some trouble orienting myself to what I want and what I can expect and that probably skews my ratings upwards).

I find myself losing a bit of interest - this could be: 1) me not wanting to fucking quadruple text and look like a fool, 2) me wanting to walk away from this with an easy "win" (a common mistake I made in the past which I have come to regret on many occasions), 3) I ejaculated yesterday, 4) this girl isn't the quality that I want to keep on a strict rotation in my ideal scenario and I could be getting ahead of myself by having unrealistically high expectations and unconsciously cock-blocking myself to protect my fragile identity.

My plan is to text her tomorrow or Monday and see if she want to go to a coffee shop near my place on Wednesday and then pull her back to fuck (a plan we already discussed, albeit a bit vaguely).

Overall, dope experience. It's a win no matter what. I feel a shit ton of momentum from blasting through the fear barrier and actually going through with this. I also feel a bit of staleness because my dating profiles aren't getting the quality of leads I would like and cold approach is scary. If all of my dates were like this would it be worth it? Maybe. But if I turn up my lead gen and start getting some 8s and 9s on dates consistently, damn it probably would be.

The emotional backdrop to all of this is that my partner isn't super excited about it. We've had an open relationship for years but I let the relationship default to monogamy. Fix: we are both reading "Sex at Dawn" together right now, which is a damn good book for encouraging non-monogamy.

She's got a date tomorrow and I honestly don't mind if she starts fucking other people. If it makes her feel better about me doing the same, then all's well. Holding her insecurity and anger with all this while also taking action through my own fear barriers is a lot. I feel confident and secure in our relationship and would gladly encourage her to date around (though she also doesn't seem to have much interest in that, tomorrow is an experiment).

[Bman]

Good stuff, man. You're going to do just fine. I'm going to point out a few places you're shooting yourself in the foot right now.

I can feel myself getting in that stifled and self-conscious state of "I wonder what the baristas are thinking". Of course, they don't give a fuck what I'm doing.

I notice how loudly she is talking in coffee shop where there are about a dozen other people who are all working, notice my cringing and embarrassment, and then relax by reminding myself that she doesn't represent who I am and she is not a part of my identity.

My best theory for why I got myself in this position is wanting more validation from her

You're caring too much what other people think and seeking validation of yourself too much from their opinions. It's ok, we all did it (and still do it sometimes). After you do this enough times, this will fade and you're not going to care about these little things so much. This will be a constant thing you'll need to work on in your inner game, though.

Definitely cringe a bit thinking back to this. If there is a low point for me in the date, it was me asking to kiss her after she already said I could 20 minutes before. It was still fine and I felt her up a bit more, but I felt like a bit of a chump.

Yeah, you definitely did not need to ask again. The first time is respectful of consent. The second time is unconfident. Which wouldn't necessarily be a problem, but you continued the unconfidence in the multiple texts later. She asked YOU about logistics. Girls rarely ever do that unless they are extremely DTF. So she was obviously open to whatever your advances you wanted to push.

My plan is to text her tomorrow or Monday and see if she want to go to a coffee shop near my place on Wednesday and then pull her back to fuck (a plan we already discussed, albeit a bit vaguely).

You're being too needy in text. If you have already texted her multiple times, with an open ended question, and she has not responded, give a day or two. I'd just ping her Monday and invite her directly over to your place. You already mentioned it, and again, she's DTF. She'll let you know if she's not comfortable with that, and then you can pitch the coffee first if that's the case.

look like a fool

getting ahead of myself by having unrealistically high expectations and unconsciously cock-blocking myself to protect my fragile identity

Again, you're going to need to work on your self identity, and validating yourself, separate from these girls opinions or the girls your getting.

we are both reading "Sex at Dawn" together right now, which is a damn good book for encouraging non-monogamy.

This book broke my marriage.

Also, post up your pictures/dating profile. I'm sure there are some easy small changes to make to your fashion and picture quality. Also since your running feeld, if you have a solid photo of you and your girlfriend looking hot, you should throw it up. You have an attractive girlfriend so you'll get some bonus points there.

[jmand]

Field report from my first munch

Nervous the day before. More energy day of - would feel a little internal jolt every time I thought of it. Drove there and music sounded more evocative and intense and my body temperature regulation felt off. Thought about leaving after I had parked. Walked in and ordered and saw people I knew would be part of the munch and almost thought about leaving.

But I stayed and looked my awkward nervous newby inner self in the face and kept taking one step after the other.

Met the organizer, met the girl next to me, made some small talk. The group starts to fill out and I notice a couple people that really catch my eye.

Almost got trapped in a one set with another awkward dude after some group rearrangement but excused myself to the bathroom and then came back and sat in the group where my top target was. Felt included almost immediately, even though I didn't talk much. They asked me my name, I met everyone in that group.

French Girl was a solid 9/10 for me. Red hair, pouty lips, great tits on display above a girly colorful top when everyone else was wearing black, belly button piercing, 18 yo college freshman, fun, flirty, and we kept making eye contact for multiple seconds at a time as the other people in the group (mostly) talked. I'd glance over at her when someone else was talking and would catch her staring at me and look away.

The person next to me and her friend sitting next to her across the table were having an excited conversation about super niche anime and art shit and it was nearly impossible to get a word in. I went to get another Chystathamum tea and worked up the nerve to pull a chair up from somewhere else to sit right in between her and the person on her left.

On the munch rules, it says no flirting and no unicorn hunting. Combine this with the general anti- cis het white dude vibe that I've felt for the last decade living in Washington and my lack of recent experience showing sexual interest in general had me sweating. I felt very smooth to pull up the chair and start a convo with the guy that had been sitting next to her instead of just being super obvious and opening her. Probably a good move in general, but you'll see further on that trying to hide my interest is a sticking point for me.

So, her friend and the person I was sitting next to before keep having their loud convo about things that only they really know anything about and I engage with French Girl a few times. Oh, she also has a girlfriend that lives somewhere north. Wasn't able to learn if this is monogamous or open or what. But it feels like every time I start talking to French Girl the convo either stops and turns to us or it gets stalled by the sexual tension between us and not being able to overcome her shyness (a few times throughout the convo it was mentioned she is a bit more introverted).

I learn that she isn't on FetLife and she doesn't want to join the munch's Discord. I keep thinking about how I can number close her, but then I get in my head and tune out of the convo and remind myself to stay present but just feel this big resistance come up whenever I come up with some sort of way to do it.

The big thing preventing me from coming up with a plan is the dilemma from the world of old game circa The Game and pre-2012 - trying to seduce without showing interest or being honest about my intentions. I texted @Bman about this last night and he gave me the simplest route that makes me feel like a fucking idiot - "hey, you seem cool and it would be great to grab coffee sometime".

For some reason, the new social situation and the intensity of having 6-7 people stop and watch me number close this girl was too much for me last night.

The limiting beliefs, just to get them out of my head and see how stupid they are:
- the age gap is weird and I'm being a "predator"
- she has a partner and people/she will think I'm creepy for trying to intervene in a relationship because I think she's hot
- it's too obvious and it's not cool: new guy comes to munch and goes for the youngest hottest girl without having any community cred.


Anyways, I at least said goodbye to everyone and her friend made sure to ask me if I was on the Discord and that we should connect.

This friend had been encouraging French Girl to go to the play party this weekend and she seemed interested. While I'm still fresh in his mind (friend), I'm going to send a Discord message something to the effect of "hey, great to meet you last night! didn't get a chance to grab French Girl's number last night, but feel free to pass my number along to her. If she still wants to go to that play party, she could tag along with me (a fellow play party first-timer)."

So, yeah, I'll try that.

I woke up early this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep - almost never happens to me. This nearly overwhelming feeling inside is REGRET. I didn't do as much as I could have last night to get what I wanted. It's frustrating as fuck and motivates me even more.

I did a 45 min breathwork session this morning to move the energy and saw a clear vision of myself on this path. Simply taking chances and being fine with rejection. Simply making invitations. Simply allowing myself and my desires to be on full display and letting people react however they want. It felt unbelievably powerful and ridiculously simple. It's just about taking one step after the other on the past I'm already on.

[jmand]

Bman, thanks so much for the feedback on the date. Super helpful!

You're caring too much what other people think and seeking validation of yourself too much from their opinions. It's ok, we all did it (and still do it sometimes). After you do this enough times, this will fade and you're not going to care about these little things so much. This will be a constant thing you'll need to work on in your inner game, though.

Absolutely. The reps will wash all of this away. I felt this in the grocery store after the date - did not give a fuck what anyone thought about me (I usually do to some degree).

You're being too needy in text. If you have already texted her multiple times, with an open ended question, and she has not responded, give a day or two. I'd just ping her Monday and invite her directly over to your place. You already mentioned it, and again, she's DTF. She'll let you know if she's not comfortable with that, and then you can pitch the coffee first if that's the case.

Fantastic idea. Just reading this gave me the confidence I need to go right for the kill instead of beating around the bush. Logistics are kindof fucked and I decided I wasn't into her enough to pursue further unless I had the setup for a lay. Haven't tried texting her again and don't really care. If I went for it now, it would mostly be to prove to myself I can get a lay, and I don't need that confidence boost right now when I have pretty consistent pussy from my partner.

Again, you're going to need to work on your self identity, and validating yourself, separate from these girls opinions or the girls you're getting.

I'm going to try the mirror therapy thing you talked about.

Also, post up your pictures/dating profile. I'm sure there are some easy small changes to make to your fashion and picture quality. Also since your running feeld, if you have a solid photo of you and your girlfriend looking hot, you should throw it up. You have an attractive girlfriend so you'll get some bonus points there.

Yes, thank you for the idea. I'll be posting this shortly.

Much love, brother.

[Bman]

Seems like the munch went well. Good on you for getting yourself interacting with the hottest girl there, despite whatever anxiety or limiting beliefs you had going on.

This friend had been encouraging French Girl to go to the play party this weekend and she seemed interested. While I'm still fresh in his mind (friend), I'm going to send a Discord message something to the effect of "hey, great to meet you last night! didn't get a chance to grab French Girl's number last night, but feel free to pass my number along to her. If she still wants to go to that play party, she could tag along with me (a fellow play party first-timer)."

You could try that, but success seems low. Being she's 18 & shy, I don't see her messaging you. That's a lot of initiative for a girl to take. Plus you'll probably get cockblocked by the guy anyways.

Instead, I'd just ask the guy if he & her were going to the play party, basically general inquiry of the friend groups intentions. If yes, then just go to the party, interact with her, and then try to isolate her from the friend group.

On the munch rules, it says no flirting and no unicorn hunting. Combine this with the general anti- cis het white dude vibe that I've felt for the last decade living in Washington

Such a ripe environment for someone to disrupt with a better munch...

[jmand]

You could try that, but success seems low. Being she's 18 & shy, I don't see her messaging you. That's a lot of initiative for a girl to take. Plus you'll probably get cockblocked by the guy anyways.

Instead, I'd just ask the guy if he & her were going to the play party, basically general inquiry of the friend groups intentions. If yes, then just go to the party, interact with her, and then try to isolate her from the friend group.

I did decide to go this route (even before reading this message - glad we are on the same page lol). Twist to the story: the friend is actually a hot "GF" poly feminine person with he/him pronouns. I'm sure you know the type from the kink scene in Austin. I'd be fine getting either of them on a date.

Neither are going to the play party, but we are friends on fet, chatting on Discord, and I'm feeling good about it. Unlikely French Girl will be around again, but it's possible. Feels great to have such an abundance of hot kinky people at my fingertips now, after just 1 munch. It's nuts.

Already got someone reaching out to me on fetlife to meet up at the event tonight. It's a dude going with his girlfriend. But still....

Such a ripe environment for someone to disrupt with a better munch...

haha can't wait to see Bman end political correctness in one of the liberal capitals of the world.