Yo, it's Ryan
I've already introduced myself in the introduction thread, but since I'll be spending my time working on this thread for the next few weeks, possibly months, I figured I should offer more background on myself, my aspirations, and current shortcomings.
A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF WHERE I'M AT
At the time of writing (April 3rd, 2023), I'm a 21 y/o virgin (god that feels good to say in earnest) living a few miles outside of Lancaster, PA, and who's been dead-set on improving himself since the previous summer. I've been hitting the gym regularly (six times a week), reading an hour a day, and overall being more health conscious. Current successes I've had are:
- beat my own depression
- gain 20 pounds within four months (big improvement over being a skinny loser)
- quit playing video games
- drastically lowered porn consumption
- had my first kiss and bout of intimacy with a woman
MY CURRENT SITUATION
I'm a computer science undergraduate, and will graduate next month. By the end of May, I will be moving from my apartment back in with my parents. Now I don't plan on staying with them for long, since I want to move to a city (we live in a suburban neighborhood, about as upper middle class as it gets on the east coast). Even though I'll have a degree in it, computer science isn't my calling anymore. I'm no longer as interested in it as I once was, probably due to a terrible internship I worked at over the summer.
I've gotten more invested in coaching and human psychology and would love to try that. I can see a future of doing that and being fulfilled, all the while supporting the lifestyle I want. Unfortunately, my social skills are pretty dirt-poor at the moment, mostly because I'm not a very open person.
A LITTLE BACKSTORY (I PROMISE THIS IS IMPORTANT)
For better or for worse, I've always felt exceptionally different from most of my peers, which manifested in me feeling shunned from interacting with them as a whole. The earliest I can think of this being the case is freshman year of high-school, where I could tell other people didn't want to associate with me (some of those fuckers even called me autistic, why the hell did I care about their opinions?). I had a small group of friends who loved playing video games, and I wanted to associate with them as much as possible, shutting myself out from anyone else, even my own parents and siblings at times.
This would continue even through to college, up until the summer of 22'. By that point, I was diagnosed as being moderately depressed, which as Andy says, I fucking deserved. I played video games for numerous hours a day, masturbated to porn every single day, sometimes twice, and had no trajectory in life other than my next fix of dopamine.
Then I started watching self-improvement content from numerous creators, seeing how they got their shit together after whatever rough patch in their life, and I realized that they were no different, hell, they were in even more precarious situations than I currently was. I got rid of my bad habits, started lifting daily, and by the end, came out a more positive person, having conquered his own negative emotions.
But I still sucked at social interactions.
On top of that, I met a friend of one of my apartment housemates, and we started developing feeling for one another. Since I was still a pussy, and had no idea how to be upfront with what I wanted, or what that even WAS, I didn't navigate the relationship well at all. She didn't want to commit to a single person, and I THOUGHT that I wanted monogamy, that she was the only one who mattered to me. 'Course I know now that that was me being a desperate bitch, who was afraid of letting people go, and thought that I could "change" her. The day I realized that I couldn't, was simultaneously one of the best and worst days of my life: I felt like absolute SHIT, but I learned something extremely valuable from it:
I can't expect others to change, but I sure as hell should expect myself to
Now that I've recovered fully from the heartbreak, I've been getting even stronger desires for social exposure and intimacy. Only problem is I still suck at putting myself out there, and getting what I want out of relationships. It was at this time that I discovered KYIL (through Andy's Tinder guide, as I'm sure most of you found this site through), and the original GLL sites. More importantly, I discovered GLL's approach anxiety program and developed the burning itch to complete it.
However, I only made it until Day 9 the first time I tried it.
I'm proud that I made it that far, but I KNOW I can do better. That being said, I also made a grievous mistake, and on the first day to boot: I never made any sort of log for myself to keep track of my progress. I used the excuse that I couldn't make an account on the site (never got a follow-up email to approve my request to join), but that shouldn't have stopped me from making a vlog, or even using this forum.
So that's what I'm going to do, starting today.
MY CURRENT GOAL
I wholeheartedly believe that by completing GLL's AA program, I will get the following benefits:
- improve my ability to hold conversations with others
- rack up examples of other people being genuinely caring and awesome
- allow me to gain confidence when conversing with/escalating on women
- give me an area I can reliably coach others for
- give myself that upward momentum I desperately yearn for
WHY I HAVE NO CHOICE OTHER THAN SUCCESS
Earlier I stated that I graduate in May, and will move back to live with my parents. I already have a set track of what I want to do: move to a big city for more social/sexual opportunities, start a coaching business, and live the digital nomad style for some time (keep in mind I don't have a single dollar to my name atm). However, my parents are EXTREMELY reliant on me going to graduate school, claiming that it'll get me a better job, higher pay, and more opportunities for success in my field. I've accepted that I'll have to go against their wishes no matter what, but I'd like to have SOMETHING to back myself up, that I'm dead set on making coaching work.
Therefore, I NEED the experience the AA drills will give me by the time I move back home, not only to prove to my parents that I have what it takes to make my dream work, but to MYSELF.
Failure is NOT an option. I need to succeed, my future relies on it.
This has been Day 2's post. The next time I post, which will be tomorrow by the latest, I will have made some great pics to use for Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. I might use OkCupid and POF, as the AA program suggests, but I've noticed that a decent amount of women on there live either more than an hour away (curse you, suburban Pennsylvania), or look like shit (physically and picture-quality). All the more reason to motivate me to take better photos. I don't have access to a DSLR at the moment, so my phone camera will have to do until I can grab one from a friend.
Stay strong boys, we'll make it through the other side together
), or that her not responding to me meant she didn't care at all whether we met or not. But there's no way of me knowing if I don't ask. So this has gotten me curious about the "right" amount of time I should spend on screening via text, and when to cut it off if nothing bears fruit. I assume I'll get better with this with practice.
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