Lusty's 5'4 fat to fit looking for love log

[Lusty69]

95.5kg 90% recovered but weight gain is expected as I finally did a full proper training session.

The good news is my lower body was feeling good, and mobility was great so I finally worked my back squat up to 70kg after not being able to hit depth with just the bar due to pain from injuries and limited mobility.

Did the session later at night with my mate so I ate dinner at 8pm which is also part of the reason why my weight is up on the prior day. The rest of the session was a little bit of a struggle as I started coughing a little but I pushed through and got it all done.

Flying to Melbourne this afternoon, got the Grand Prix, going to try get some footage and photos of myself at the Grand Prix for IG content and maybe to relaunch a dating profile now that I am lighter

[Antonio44]

I always like the tone you write with, hard to describe but it's kinda positive/secure and very charismatic - I suspect you have an excellent vibe in person.

Enjoy the grand prix, very jealous!

[Zug]

I always like the tone you write with, hard to describe but it's kinda positive/secure and very charismatic - I suspect you have an excellent vibe in person.

Enjoy the grand prix, very jealous!

I think its one of the biggest factors to his success. Look how dejected, apathetic, or nihilistic the style most people tend to communicate like on here. That shit leaks out. It starts infecting you, it changes which adjectives you use, what words you use, and how you frame the world and problem. All people are attracted to good vibes and repulsed by bad vibes. Go on a date with a hot girl and horrible attitude and tell me how attractive she feels in that moment, then compare it to the same girl vibing, smiling, flirting, and teasing you. Its night and day different level of attraction.

[Lusty69]

@Antonio44 and @Zug your comments above really hit me in a good way, I appreciate you guys for reading my story and your kind words.

94.9kg today scales showing much lower BF% so I think I have recovered a little from being sick, I feel like my sickness was extended from my Melbourne trip as soon as I landed the cold dry air killed me and my throat haha. Did 1 gym session whilst in Melbourne, will be doing a session with my mate this afternoon should be good.

Got a new haircut, got my hair cut shorter and just up and to the side rather than pulling it back, I am getting sort of close to the point of needing to shave it all as the sides are receding a little.

Because I was sick my skin condition flared up a little but now is settling back down, but because it also got a little inflamed on my head it isn't helping my hair thickness so I am hoping the shorter haircut also helps me get some sun on my scalp when it stops raining here which will help with the condition, but also gives me some more opportunity to do some red light therapy on it, so I am happy with the change.

Whilst in Melbourne at a friends place I also did my first ice bath which was good fun, I think it also helped my skin calm down as well, did two rounds of 3mins in a wine barrel full of ice.

Also can't forget to mention that the Grand Prix was amazing, had corporate box seats, kept to a sort of carnivore diet picking all the meat dishes as they kept coming around with food and drinks all day long, the service was amazing, the location was awesome, I don't think I can go back to just grandstand seats after that epic experience and to top it off my favourite team Ferrari finished first and second!

[Lusty69]

94.6kg back into the swing of things and super happy the weight is back to moving down after doing squats yesterday and eating late.

Training is going well, managed to do barbell back squats with no assistance from a box or anything so basically for pure raw barbell back squats hit a PR without back pain. I have squatted heavier but I used to use a safety bar and a box at depth to prevent back pain back in the day I think I got close to 130 or 140kg but the progress of adding about 10kg per session to my squat is going well, I think now it's starting to struggle more out of the bottom if I hit depth so I will likely start to slow down the weight increases and focus on some more volume, I did 4 sets of 8 reps back down sets at 60kg which moved super well.

My main wing is away for the Easter break, and my other mate is currently sick so will see if I end up going out this weekend which would be a good opportunity as our office is shut over Easter, but if not it will be a good time to catch up on some inner work I have been putting off and also would be good to get ahead on some video editing and shooting some new videos considering I am 20kg lighter than when I shot the older ones and have a new hair cut haha.

My main focus is weight loss and training which I need to just accept that it does take a little capacity from me, but I also am working on slowly adding more and more momentum in other areas to keep working towards my ideal day or ideal amount of productivity to align with my goals, it isn't the easiest as I default to being the harshest critic on myself and tend to miss celebrating small wins along the way whilst pushing the goal posts constantly to do and be better. I do have more awareness around this and my accountability calls with @Adrizzle help so much when we list out wins as it reminds me to be kind and easy on myself and celebrate the small wins along the way.

Things I want to work on next in no order or priority:
Approaching more (day and night)
Getting better dating photos and setting up a better profile
Focusing on getting 1-2 reels posted every week
Get a better marketing and new client onboarding system going
Getting more client work out
Update systems, create procedures and do a little more training with the new staff members to increase their productivity and hand more tasks to them
Look at increasing pricing and profitability of business to allow for a new staff hire to ease the work load on everyone whilst keeping profitable
Get back to daily meditations
Focus on my health, getting skin condition under control and getting some blood tests done
Do some shadow and inner work and parts work (Internal Family systems or split ego states are other ways of explaining what parts work is)

[Lusty69]

95.3kg expected as my training has been on point and my lower body is still sore, but looking forward to getting under and sticking under 95kg, if I get stuck here for a little longer I will just get my steps back up as I have taken a little break on the steps since getting sick, I still have a very minor lingering like I need to blow my nose once to twice per day type thing so just focusing on pushing it hard and gym and not cardio stuff. I am feeling the big gym sessions I did with my mate but also kicking goals which I am happy with, I have not benched heavy in a while do you my injury last year but I worked to 4 sets of 5 reps at 82.5kg and still had a little more in the tank which I am happy with, not pushing bench press close to failure likely left 2 reps in reserve and went slow with it to help reduce injury risk, then went closer to failure with accessories like machine press.

I sorted out a few more videos from my camera dump, I just need to edit them up now but they are there and qued, I also filmed a new video as I have not filmed anything in 4 months now, wasn't super happy, kind of funny how once you stop putting in the filming reps there are a few small things that just look dumb like how my T-shirt sat and I managed to shift to one side a little once I hit record which isn't great for talk to camera verticle mode where the camera is zoomed into me haha but my presenting skills are getting really good, I am liking my energy behind the camera much more these days, like anything it is just the reps we put in and I think doing some night game, bantering with people, being social helps a lot with presenting on camera.

[Lusty69]

94.8kg glad to be back under 95kg, relatively my BF% has been dropping like a rock on my scales so I think my body is just balancing out from the rapid loss when I was sick and the weeks I didn't train much, now my muscles and lean mass has just returned back to where it was so I was basically training fat for muscle regain which is very possible as I have gained strength and fat is 9 calories per gram and protein is 4calories per gram, so I could have easily traded fat for muscle.

I also decided to restart my online dating, just tested a few new photos, I took a new full-body shot with my weight belt on as it finally fits me again at 95kg and with the belt being a little tight it gave me this epic Xframe jacked look see attached photo.

Not sure if it is the bumble new profile algo going but I already got 4 matches in 30mins, so will see how it goes with these new photos, if it goes well might upgrade to a paid profile and also set up a new Hinge profile

[Lusty69]

94.5kg weight seems to have started to move in the downward direction after a little sideways movement to recoup lost lean mass from being sick.

Feeling a little up and down lately, something I need to work on but been feeling a lot of fatigue mixed with short burst of motivation/productivity then the feeling of just laying down and sleeping. I know part of this is likely due to the mentally and physically taxing nature of being in a calorie deficit and training hard at the same time for the past 4-5 months. Could either just need to push through, or up the calories a little for a week or two which I sort of don't want to do because of the sideways movement after being sick with my weight and also wanting to just get lean quick so I can go buy some new cloths as well.
The issue is though it is impacting my ability a little to get work done, get videos done, get client work done and out. I am focusing on trying to just smash out a bunch of stuff for 1-2hrs in the morning when I am my most productive but my issue is then I run out of steam and turn to porn for comfort, this is where the negative impact of porn comes in because then post Nut is feel 100x worse. So something to keep working on.

The feeling exhausted is for sure emotional mixed with calorie deficit and long term dieting with hard training, but I think it could be a little more emotional as my training is still going well as in I am not skipping gym sessions and I am pushing hard in my work outs along with motivation to watch youtube videos on training and best way to muscle growth, however any sort of cardio or extra steps beyond my average 7-10k is a struggle.
The emotional side might just be a feeling of either too much pressure and overwhelm with stuff along with maybe some things pushed down into my shadow self or suppressed emotions that need to be released, something I know I have a pattern of pushing away when I am on my own, but I also feel the need to learn to go at it with out a paid coach sort of prompting me to get an emotional release out, but I do feel like these are sort of symptoms of an emotional release coming.

The other thing I am toying with is maybe just need to rebuild some momentum after all the time off between being sick, then taking time off travelling for the grand prix and Easter straight after, then I have just jumped back into a busy lifestyle from a relaxed baseline but the main issue is all that time off I have a few things that have piled up that I want to and need to get done which could also be adding to that pressure, a good prompt for me to just write down all the tasks I need to get done so it is not circulating and stressing out my brain as much

[Lusty69]

So the cool thing about having a journal sometimes and just venting, idk it's like nice knowing someone will read it vs just journalling to myself, but after my earlier post about feeling tired and exhausted, I gave myself permission to just take a bit of a break, I laid down, watched some youtube, then went for a walk and got a coffee, after my return I just built the momentum of getting a few small things done and also palming off in a sense a task that I felt was something I was putting off but could give to a staff member so I did that and then just kept stacking wins, edited a whole video, then just went and shot a bunch of new videos so we will see how they went.

I guess sometimes it's about trying a few different strategies that I know work

[Lusty69]

94.3kg finally breaking through into lower weight and with lower relative bf% (I say relatively as scales are not accurate as a nominal % but as a relative trend they can be accurate)

Good gym session yesterday, did squats hit a new PR for back squats at 90kg with good depth, body starting to feel a little accumulated fatigue, left knee a touch sore from yesterday so I think I am in a good training zone as I will take Sunday as a rest day and not sure what I will do tomorrow but today is bench day with my mate which will be a big work out. I am focusing on getting more volume in on my upper body as my legs are already fairly large, so I want my side delts and upper body to catch up a lot more. I do still train legs but I will hit them like 1-2x per week whilst trying to hit my upper body 4x per week along with adding in more side delt and arm work in my workouts.

I am feeling also much better with the fatigue part today, still a little avoidant with some stuff I need to get done, and far from "perfect" but no need to be perfect just focusing on doing a little better. I have 2-3 tasks I want to try and knock out today but I will be happy even if I get 1 of them done.

I am feeling a little stuckness or like chicken and egg when it comes to Porn use it's helping and hurting me at the same time I feel it is a coping mechanism. The annoying part is I have not fully gone into the underlying root of it, but then again that could just come with time, or it could just be a capacity thing as I have stated above, trying to push and get things done, the porn is the pressure release and maybe it is serving me right now to allow me to keep functioning at my job whilst also training hard, being in a calorie deficit and trying to do some dating stuff all at the same time, especially going out on weekends now and also having recently joined some online apps, online apps are a trigger for porn for me though I have noticed so still working out if it's just the visual trigger or miss alignment with some deeper beliefs around online dating which then brings me to circling to is the excessive porn use more a symptom of just me not being super happy with my dating situation around the quality and number of women I have in my life right now.

[Zug]

I am feeling a little stuckness or like chicken and egg when it comes to Porn use it's helping and hurting me at the same time I feel it is a coping mechanism. The annoying part is I have not fully gone into the underlying root of it, but then again that could just come with time, or it could just be a capacity thing as I have stated above, trying to push and get things done, the porn is the pressure release and maybe it is serving me right now to allow me to keep functioning at my job whilst also training hard, being in a calorie deficit and trying to do some dating stuff all at the same time, especially going out on weekends now and also having recently joined some online apps, online apps are a trigger for porn for me though I have noticed so still working out if it's just the visual trigger or miss alignment with some deeper beliefs around online dating which then brings me to circling to is the excessive porn use more a symptom of just me not being super happy with my dating situation around the quality and number of women I have in my life right now.

Early on I used porn as a release for all my pent up resentment at lack of results. It does help alleviate some resentment, but the real issue is that you have that resentment and that it needs a release and that release needs to be porn. Those are the real underlying causes, and the porn use does nothing to help those. It also makes things worse over time. Once you start ritualizing, systematizing, and habituating to porn, it is incredibly incredibly difficult to reverse that process. Its hard to go back to being turned on by vanilla, and while you can make that better, I'm not convinced its 100% reversible.

Porn really has to go imo. Masturbation is an entirely different story. I'm not convinced moderate non-porn use masturbation has any negative impact unless you death grip. However, what's super interesting is how little appeal it has. You don't want to orgasm, you want to orgasm to porn. Its not the orgasm you're addicted to, its the porn. The greater the delta of your enjoyment between masturbating to porn and masturbating to nothing, the more the porn is controlling you.

[Lusty69]

94.3kg relative BF% on scales down another 0.2% though and my weight belt which was super tight on me at 95kg now fits like how it is meant to so I might try it out today on RDL's

I also bought some bright pink wide-toe box squat shoes, only one brand that does wide-toe box I have really wide feet so the option was order from the US and pay almost $400 to get them shipped across at full retail and get the colour I want or the one local store in Aus that sells them had an Easter sale but only had my size in pink but for $199 delivered it is worth it and also they match my wrist wraps which are black and pink, as the shoes are black sole and pink top I will find it funny to rock up in my pink gear then smash a big squat or something.

Not a lot happening on the dating front, I have not felt up to going out over the weekend, I think pulling 170kg deadlift Saturday just took it out of me, also there might be some mild avoidance and increased porn use. As I write this and journal out my thoughts the woman I am sleeping with I feel the need to cut it off, just not feeling the energy and vibe and in the back of my mind she is like always asking if I have slept with someone else and gets a little angry if I am not free when she wants to come over so just feels like I have to explain myself too much and it is causing me too much stress.

So I just texted her saying I wasn't vibing things anymore and I feel a little mixed between more free to chase other women but also loss of like my safety blanket when I don't really have a lot going on in my dating life right now which is bringing up fear of lack of sex and being a loser which I will sit with for a little. Which ties into the below

@Zug dude thank you so much for your response you are so spot on the money!

Early on I used porn as a release for all my pent up resentment at lack of results. It does help alleviate some resentment, but the real issue is that you have that resentment and that it needs a release and that release needs to be porn. Those are the real underlying causes, and the porn use does nothing to help those. It also makes things worse over time. Once you start ritualizing, systematizing, and habituating to porn, it is incredibly incredibly difficult to reverse that process. Its hard to go back to being turned on by vanilla, and while you can make that better, I'm not convinced its 100% reversible.

Porn really has to go imo. Masturbation is an entirely different story. I'm not convinced moderate non-porn use masturbation has any negative impact unless you death grip. However, what's super interesting is how little appeal it has. You don't want to orgasm, you want to orgasm to porn. Its not the orgasm you're addicted to, its the porn. The greater the delta of your enjoyment between masturbating to porn and masturbating to nothing, the more the porn is controlling you.

You are correct in that I have a porn strategy and ritual, especially after a night out or even swiping on dating apps, then other strategies and habits formed around the porn use as my blanket escape and avoidance for stuff I am not even looking at clearly for myself it's like the following triggers and like emotion/pathway behind them:

Go out to a club and get no results > Frustrated at dating life > Loneliness/feel like a loser = Medicate with Porn
Look at hot girls on dating apps but get barely any matches > Jerk it to the girls I see > Loneliness/Loser/not good enough/am I ugly = Porn
Skip parts of my morning routine > I am not perfect I am not feeling it today (Rationalise skipping parts and go to porn) > Patterns of needing to be perfect or I am a fuck up, not disciplined leads to not good enough = Use porn
Avoiding doing some work stuff > Feeling overwhelmed, poor strategy on workload balance > Self judgement around why can't I just get this shit done = Avoid with Porn
Look at photos of my ex, think about her > frustrated at dating life, quality of women I am getting > loneliness, patterns of holding on and not letting go, self-judgement, shame & Guilt around looking at her = medicate with porn
Feeling lazy, feeling shitty, feeling down > avoid feeling anything and go to a pattern of numbness, slip into apathy with the use of porn
I make a mistake at work, staff member makes a mistake or client gets upset > Beat myself up, feel not good enough, self-doubt = Avoid more work with porn use
Stress, overwhelm, lethargy then feel like writing things off and escaping rather than digging in deeper or using other strategies

Actions and small baby steps to take:

Get back into doing the work (parts work)
Improve consistency on meditation
Block my ex on my side/stalk account (probably should just delete this)
Start small with just no porn and jerking off before lunch as it is one better than jerking it 3-4 times a day, goal is to just limit myself to once per day
write down why I want to quit porn
Write down the negative effects of porn on my life
Write down the positives to quitting porn
Do alternatives to porn when I feel an urge (will list some stuff below, I sort of did this with food and its been working)
Slowly shift the intensity and type of porn I look at
Delete my account or block massive "fear of missing out" Porn sites/Forums/onlyfans leak pages

List of alternative things I can do rather than sit and watch porn even if I am avoiding X action/Feeling: (some of these are easy some are hard so will focus on easy ones as one better)

Go grab a coffee and talk to the barista (Social connection/Get out of the house)
Put on some music I enjoy
Read a few pages of my book
Lay under my red light panel and put something I enjoy listening to (podcast, meditation track)
Watch a youtube video I enjoy
Call a friend
Reach out to a friend over messages
Urger surf and just try and give myself 5-10mins
Focus on today and going I can just jerk off tomorrow (works for food cravings)
Focus on the negative effects and feelings if I went and used porn now (I also do this with my diet I think of how badly my joints used to hurt)
Journal how I feel
Talk to my parts

[Adrizzle]

You got this man. Everyone has been in the cycle of using to cope.

Use that lists of replacements, in my experience you just need to interrupt the cycle and it becomes easier

[Lusty69]

93.9kg getting closer and closer to breaking 90kg whoo hoo and I can see my upper body is defs looking leaner, just got to wait for the belly to catch up

Had an amazing call with @Adrizzle yesterday so feeling like I am definitely on track as much as I feel like I am 1000000 miles away, I guess it's the awesome part about having accountability partners where you share a win and stuff.

I finished reading Learned Optimism which Andy recommended on a podcast he made for me ages ago, was a bit of a big read but some great stuff in it which I will use around pessimistic thoughts.

The cool implementation in terms of dating using learned optimism was messaging a girl and I was about to be like F this entitled women F these dating apps because this girl called me a short king and short kings are not allowed to be dominate she was 5'2 on per profile so shorter than me and at first I got a little triggered and angry almost unmatched her, then I thought wait this is just the situation, she gets a lot of guys hitting her up saying they are dominate, she might just be shit testing me to be like well if the guy is 6ft+ he doesn't have to do anything for me to feel like submitting to him maybe she doesn't care about my height it is just she has had fake dominate men in the past and it wasn't a turn on for her, so I thought fuck it I will just play this with some humour so I go it's ok I am getting my growth spurt in 3 weeks time, estimated to be 6'2 in the mean time though I need to see if you are cool and that we vibe... Then I just asked her what she does for fun and eventually got her snap chat because she doesn't have Instagram. Chatting to her a little she spends half her time in my city and half closer to the beach about 1-1.5hrs away but she is keen to getting a drink with me. So I am happy I pulled back, let go of the anger and frustration at women and my dating situation and just played with it as it worked out in the end, having an optimistic view on this stuff is key!

The other thing I did with my just venting above and sort of going hmm I just feel like I need a little tune up or just to sort a few things out is I still have 2 sessions with my coach who helped me heaps over the past 2 years ago but then sort of graduated me in a sense of you are at a point where you don't really need me apart from every now and then so the 2 sessions we have left just use them when you need sort of vibe so I feel like I am at that need, so I sent him a big break down of stuff.

Pattern he picked up which also made so much sense was I put all this hard work in to lose 25kg and then I went on the dating apps expecting to magically get all these matches because I put in the work of losing weight then when that didn't happen I started getting really frustrated and annoyed at the situation and that is part of the distress, running to porn and avoiding patterns and I was like damn that makes so much sense. Also if I honestly look at it I like took 2 new photos since losing weight which were nothing special so there is my responsibility to get better photos if online dating is what I want to use to meet people.

[Zug]

Pattern he picked up which also made so much sense was I put all this hard work in to lose 25kg and then I went on the dating apps expecting to magically get all these matches because I put in the work of losing weight then when that didn't happen I started getting really frustrated and annoyed at the situation and that is part of the distress, running to porn and avoiding patterns and I was like damn that makes so much sense. Also if I honestly look at it I like took 2 new photos since losing weight which were nothing special so there is my responsibility to get better photos if online dating is what I want to use to meet people

I didn;t turn the corner overnight after losing the weight either. First its your weight, then clothes, then good pictures, then your profile, then your texting, then your dating, then your escalation, then sex, etc. There's always another mountain, and most hard work doesn't pay off until after you've kinda forgotten you did it in the first place.