Eric's Log - Mixed Bag

[DozerBoy]

Hello everyone.

Eric here. This will be my log. I intend to post at least once a week to keep myself accountable and to encourage myself to focus on taking action to move myself forward. I guess that Sunday evenings are a good time to reflect on the week/weekend. So we’ll say Sunday evening.

I don’t even know what to say. There’s so much to say. I suppose I’ll reiterate my goals and talk a little about where I’m at and what my immediate next steps are.

Goal #1 is to GET LAID. As I mentioned in my introduction post, I’ve not had a lot of success with women. I’ve been alone for a long time and it weighs on my mind more and more as time goes on. My mind is consumed with thoughts of sex and women. It’s hard to focus on anything else. Getting laid and building a life of sexual abundance will quiet this noise and allow me to focus on other things (my purpose, most importantly).

So what things need to get done to get laid?

1) I need to improve my body.

I’ve been going to the gym for the last year-and-a-half. I’m proud of the progress that I’ve made in that time. But – as they say – you can’t out-train a bad diet. I’ve still got some pudge that obscures my abs. I need to fix my diet so those abs can shine.

2) I need to improve my style.

Growing up, style was never important to me. It was never emphasized. I got a plain haircut and wore plain clothes. The “bare minimum” was OK. Looking “fine” was OK. Not anymore.

I want to wear clothes that make me feel “cool” and that show off my interests. I want to show the world that I care about myself and that I’m more than a cardboard cutout of a man.

3) I need to improve my space.

This is a big one. My space has always been cluttered. From my childhood bedroom all the way to my apartment today. Lots of clutter. Lots of piles. I’d be ashamed to bring a woman into my apartment as it is. Having my space sorted out will give me one less thing to worry about in the whole dating game. It’ll remove that fear of “what is she going to think of my messy apartment?” That, and it’ll be easier to focus on the task at hand without all of the visual noise surrounding me.

4) I need to improve my online presence.

This is a culmination of points 1 & 2 above. I need to update my dating photos to show off my better body and better style. Show myself doing the things that I love to do. Sell myself though my pictures instead of my bio.


As of writing this, I’m not starting from zero. I’ve already done some things to move myself closer to where I want to be. Here are some of the steps I’ve taken so far:

- As I mentioned, I’ve been going to the gym for the last year-and-a-half. I had been working out with weights at home for maybe 6 months before that. I’m proud of the progress that I’ve already made and am looking forward to the gains that are surely to come.
- I pulled the trigger and bought a subscription to Tinder Platinum and have been using boosts every Thursday/Friday/Saturday night. Been getting some interest when I boost, but it’s obvious that I need to improve my appearance/presence to merit interest from the types of women that I want to be having sex with.
- I’ve been working on revamping my wardrobe. Got a few nice floral summery shirts that make me feel super confident. Make me feel like I’m a “cool guy.”
- I found a barber and have been getting my hair cut by him regularly for the last… 6 months(ish?). Instead of the safe “business cut” that I used to get during my childhood, I’m getting a “high & tight” fade/side-part. I really don’t know how to describe it. But it’s way better than it was.
- I went to the optometrist & got back into contacts. I was wearing a pair of absolutely CLAPPED-OUT glasses for the longest time. It was a bad look. I feel so much more confident without those nasty glasses sitting on my face.


It’s not much, but it’s a start. There’s a lot more work to be done. But I’m confident that I can make it happen.

[DozerBoy]

I really want to be sexy for once in my life, so this week I started to crack down on my soda-drinking and snack-eating habits at work. In the past, it wouldn’t be unusual for me to drink four 20oz sodas and eat four packages of snacks (chips, mini-donuts, cookies, etc.) a DAY. That’s, like, 2500(ish) calories of GARBAGE on top of actual meals.

This week, I didn’t have any sodas at work. Each day, I had some party nut mix (a serving in the morning and a serving in the afternoon). Nothing out of the vending machine. Had some ice cream on Friday during a work ice cream social.

It’s a good start, but I’m going to have to keep this up for the long-haul. I’m also going to have to avoid over-indulging after work and on the weekend. Outside of work, I don’t have the vending machines standing-by to provide me with sugar drink and salty crunch on a whim, but I do have access to beer and greasy fast-food burgers.

Speaking of which…. Saturday was clean. Today (Sunday), I helped some friends move. They provided donuts in the morning and pizza for lunch. I partook in both. Whatever. I don’t intend on making “cheat days” a regular thing.

I weighed myself this week and I’m at 178#. I’d like to crack 170# by December. That should be stupidly easy to achieve if I stick by my guns. I guess I’ll see how low I can go.

I ordered myself a new leather jacket. I like the look of a simple leather jacket. Like the feel and smell, too.

On the dating front: This was my second week of running Tinder Platinum with boosts & super likes. I like it. It feels like I have an advantage. It feels like I’m playing the full version of the game (instead of just the demo). I’ve matched with a few cute girls, all of whom I’d love to have sex with. Unfortunately, none of the conversations have gone past my first message.

I need to revamp my pictures. Need to show myself doing fun, cool things. I feel like I get my foot in the door, but then there isn’t enough to keep these women interested in engaging and actually meeting up. (I do intend on posting my pictures to the Tinder photo megathread. It’s just not going to be tonight.)

It’s a bummer. It really is. I’m struggling to keep myself in the abundance mindset of “there’s another where that came from,” but it’s hard.

I gotta keep going. I’m gonna keep going. Even if it’s hard, I’m gonna keep going.

I’m gonna get laid or die trying.

[DozerBoy]

Another week done and dusted. Let’s take a look at what I did for myself.

On weight and diet: I had one soda on Wednesday. Thursday after work I had beers (3) with a coworker. My dinner that night also consisted mainly of deep-fried cheese curds and tater-tots. Not ideal, but it’s not every week. And as I mentioned last time, “cheat days” are not an option for me.

The scale stayed at 178# this week. Mmmm. Well. I’ll keep at it.

My jacket came in. It’s a little tight, so I’ll be exchanging it for the next size up. I ordered some muscle-fit tee shirts that’ll be coming next week. Been scoping out some jewelry. I’m gonna have to pull the trigger at some point.

I’ve always been… not stingy. Maybe too cautious with my money? I fall into the whole “analysis paralysis” thing. Worry about how much things cost when – in reality – they’re really small-dollar items.

I’ve been working.
I’ve been supporting myself.
I’ve not had to ask anyone for help.
I’m debt-free.
I’ve been able to put a little bit of money away.

It’s about time that I allow myself to enjoy the fruits of my labors.

Obviously, I shouldn’t spend frivolously, but it’d be nice to have nice things.

I gotta admit that I feel dumb looking at all of the journals here.
I know that – in many of the cases – I’m looking at someone who’s spent months if not years at this, while I’m just taking my first steps.
But there are so many of y’all who seem to have it all figured out. Haha.
I suppose it’ll come in time, huh?

Anything else?

I need to find something to do on the weekends. Not, like, going out and getting’ pussy. Like. Things to do for me. I’ve been struggling with this… inaction for the last couple weekends now. Hell, it’s probably been, like…. months if not years of this.

To be quite honest, it’s been like this for years. The last decade.

I need to find something that I’m excited to get up and do on the weekends so that they’re not just the two days when I get to clean my apartment.

Having something that I want to do and enjoy doing will make it WAY easier to do the things that I have to do. It’ll make me feel like less of a fucking loser. That moment when your coworkers ask, “So you do anything fun over the weekend?” and the only thing you have to say is, “Not really. Just kinda hung out and chilled. Did some laundry. Ran the vacuum. But not much otherwise.” WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN TALKING TO YOU?!?! WHY WOULD ANYONE BE INTERESTED IN HANGING OUT WITH YOU?!?!?!

Guh.

Again. I just feel fucking stupid. I feel like a fucking loser. I’m tired of this life that I live. But I guess I have to live it for just a little longer while I get my shit sorted out.

[DozerBoy]

Strugglin’. Hard.

I can write all this stuff. Make it sound pretty and happy and optimistic.

But I gotta say that it’s not.

It’s not pretty and happy and optimistic.

I’m not happy or optimistic.

I’m realizing how much I missed in this life. And I’m angry. I’m frustrated.

Obviously, it could be worse.

Storytime:

Back when I was a kid, I had this sense of superiority over my classmates. My parents (i.e. my mother) must’ve imbued this in me, because, like, what kid just thinks that they’re better than everyone around them?

Anyways. So in school, I thought that I was so much better than my classmates. I was smarter than they were. I was going to accomplish amazing things. I was going to knock it out of the park.

And then I went off to college and the wheels came off. I languished in my studies. Eventually I dropped-out. My peers?

They were the ones who had close-knit social circles.
They were the ones who had girlfriends.
They were the ones who actually graduated.
They were the ones who were getting engaged.
They were the ones who were moving into a house.
They were the ones who were getting married.
They were the ones who were starting a family.

And what was I doing? The same bullshit that I had been doing since I was 18 (probably younger).

For so many years, I just…. I wracked my brain trying to figure out why – despite my convictions that I was superior in every way – these other people succeeded while I failed. And – only a year or two ago – I finally figured it out:

It’s the parents.

I realized that my parents never gave me the things I needed to succeed.

Now, I know that a lot of you are probably going to tell me that I can’t blame my parents for my shortcomings.

And I’d agree with you that some things you can’t blame your parents for. But there are some things that your parents do (or don’t do) that set your course in life. Obviously, it is possible to change that course, but it’s definitely not easy.

My big problem is a stunted (nonexistent) social life. I’ve never been outgoing. Who socially conditions a person?

Their parents.

I was never enrolled in sports as a kid. Never involved in Boy Scouts. I can count on one hand the number of times my parents had their friends over.

I was never given opportunities to, like, learn how to make friends.
I was never shown what it was like to be friends with someone.

…

I was a pretty quiet, reserved kid. Was quiet and kept to myself a lot of the time. Same held true during family parties.

There were multiple times at a family party where my dad would praise me for being his “low profile boy.” (Basically praising me for being quiet.)

I don’t know what better way to encourage your child to be an anti-social loner than that.

…

I feel like nobody wants to be around me.
I feel like I’m unwanted.
I feel like I’m a nuisance to others.
I feel like people simply endure my presence.

Not like I’m repulsive.

I shower daily.
Wear clean clothes.
Wear deodorant.
Groom myself.

I’m not a fucking social retard, either.

I’d like to think that I’m fun to be with.
I like to keep things light-hearted.
I like to joke around and have a laugh.
I will always look for a silver lining.

But I still feel like everyone I know….

They just hang out with me because they feel obligated.

I’ve never felt like I’m the first person that comes to mind when someone is putting together a guest list for a party. If anything, I’m an afterthought.

“Alright. I think we got everyone. Anyone else?”
“Oh. I suppose we should invite Eric. I feel like he’d be pretty bummed if he caught wind that we had this shindig and he wasn’t invited.”
“Yeaaaaah. I suppose you’re right.”

I feel like – no matter what I do – I’m not worthy of the affection and/or attention of others.

…

I’ve always been very supportive of others.
Encouraging them.
Helping them.
Wanting them to succeed.

IRL “support class.”

I relate WAY too hard to the line, “I guide others to treasures that I myself cannot possess.”

I feel like this is because I want that kind of support.
I want that kind of encouragement.

Because I never got it as a kid.

My parents never encouraged me.
I was a “high-achieving” kid.
Y’know.
The kind that’s in advanced classes & stuff like that.
I was SO SPECIAL.

Stellar grades all through high school.
Did all kinds of extra-curriculars.
Band. Theatre. Student Council. Honor society. Tennis. Cross-country. Etc.

BUT.

I did it all of my own resolve.

My parents never encouraged me.

They praised me for my accomplishments.
But they never gave me that mental push to overcome the obstacles in my way.
Never a “C’mon, Eric. Don’t give up. You can do it!”

It’s all been me.

I liken it to growing a plant:

Some plants are planted in soil that’s been enriched with compost. They’re watered regularly. Given fertilizer. Weeded. Sprayed with insecticide. And those plants grow big and strong and produce amazing fruits.

With other plants… their seed lies where it falls. And the rest is left up to chance. It is not watered. It is not given fertilizer. It needs to compete with weeds for whatever precious resources are available. It is attacked by insects.

Those plants may grow, but they will not be anything spectacular.

I feel like I am the plant that has been left to its own devices. I feel like I am the plant that has been left to fend for itself. I received no fertilizer. I have had to compete with weeds. I have had to resist the gnawing of insects.

Everything I’ve accomplished in my life has been of my own volition. NO ONE ELSE can claim that they “helped” me. I did it all on my own. Which…. looking at this life….. isn’t much to brag about. But I guess it’s mine. And I guess that it could be a lot worse.

…

I hate asking people for help.

I don’t know whether it’s tied-in with the whole sense of “superiority” or whatever. But goddamn I hate asking people for help.

Maybe there’s an aspect of distrust there, too. My parents didn’t really do a good job of teaching me to trust other people, either.

Anyways. I hate asking people for help.

There’s a snippet from a Theo Von podcast where he says,

“I don’t wanna need help. Somewhere – a long time ago – I needed somebody. And they didn’t do it.”

Man. That resonates. That feels so right. Right? Like. Why else would anyone be so averse to asking for help? We can literally not make it in this world without someone helping us.

I have made my life so hard by avoiding asking for help.

…

The last thing I’ll talk about is the kind of…. bullshit platitudes that my mother fed me my whole life.

“Just wait,” she’d say.
“Just wait. Things will get better.”

And then.

“The Universe has given you so much. You’ll always have what you need.”

I’m sure that the astute among you will realize how those statements are rooted firmly in a passive mindset.

“Just wait.”
“You’ll always have what you need.”

OH MY GOD.

HOW THE FUCK COME SHE DIDN’T SAY SOMETHING LIKE

“Well, Eric. I know things aren’t the way you want them to be, but they’re not going to change unless you do something to change them. You’ll find that you can make a lot happen if you just put your mind to it.”

or

“You were very lucky to have been born into the situation that you were. You’ve not had to struggle to meet your needs. But you’re going to find out that – if you want something more in this life – you’re going to have to work hard for it. You’re going to have to fight for it. And – if you’re willing to do that – you’re going to go so far.”

Still fighting the passive mindset to this day. It’s hard. I’m not used to taking action.

…


This was a lot of bitching. I know. And I know that this forum is all about action. But I just needed to get this out.

I’ve taken more action since my last update. I promise. I need to add a critical missing-piece to my plan. I think I need to write more often, because there’s just too much to talk about.

Okay. I’ll be back.

Hurtin’ but still workin’.

[DozerBoy]

OK. Lots of stuff to go over.

Firstly, when I alluded to a “critical missing piece” to my plan, I meant building a social life. I’m going to need to build a solid social life before anything. My current social life is practically nonexistent. I play videogames with three of my college friends once a week, and that’s about it. My weekends are just miserable.

If I want women to be excited to be with me, I’m going to have to be exciting to be with.

I signed up for Meetup.com. I joined a couple motorcycling groups and a hiking group.

My goal is to have something going on every weekend.
No more weekends spent alone and inside.
Weekends are to be spent out of the house enjoying life.
I want my coworkers to be jealous of all of the cool things that I’m doing.

I’m most excited about the hiking groups. I figure that there’s a lot more opportunity for conversation & socialization on a hike vs. while riding motorcycles.

One of these days, I’ll ask the cute bartender down at my “regular watering hole” to teach me bar dice. I figure it’s a good way to build camaraderie and – in the event that I bring a girl to that bar – a great opportunity for preselection/prequalification. Obviously, that’s down the road, but it wouldn’t hurt to put things in motion.

I bought a nice turquoise pendant necklace that’ll be coming in Monday of next week.
I exchanged my leather jacket for the next size up. I just got a notification that it’s been shipped. Should be here next week.

My muscle-fit tee-shirts came in yesterday and HOLY HELL DO I LOOK SEXY. Like. Honestly it takes me to the next level. I’m excited to put all of these awesome new clothes together and take some pictures.

I keep catching myself wanting to talk about what I want to do in the future. I need to remind myself that this place is about talking about what you’ve done. All the better motivation to go out and DO.

I’m absolutely miserable at my job. I called the local Harley dealership on Tuesday and let them know that I was interested in working for them. They’ve got a number of openings there and any one of them would be better that what I’m doing now. I sent them my resume. I’ll be following up with them next week. Scary to make a jump, but it’ll be worth it to be happy.

On the diet/weight front, this week was rough. I’ll only be in the office three days this week (out Tuesday and Friday). I had three sodas and one snack. I’m not doing great. The scale stayed at #178. I’m hoping that if I find a place where I’m happy, I won’t feel the need to self-medicate with sugar.

[Antonio44]

Keep pushing big guy - you're already ahead of where 90% of us were when we started, I know it can be a bit demotivating when you see all the forum killers but they all started from somewhere. It's a series of steps.

The parents are tough, childhood has a big impact but it doesn't define us, and you are making progress. Be kind to yourself. Plus hiking is an excellent idea.

On the tinder messaging - what are you sending them to not get any replies? Post screenshots if you want advice.

[DozerBoy]

Another hard week.

I signed up for a couple activities on Meetup.

Yesterday, I went on a motorcycle ride with one of the kids that was an intern for our company over the summer (for me, 22 is a kid). The ride was really nice. We stopped halfway through and got some brisket mac & cheese at a barbecue place. Talked a lot. Good talk.

He realizes that there are a lot of people out there who are isolated from community. And how technology helps to drive that isolation. We talked about our struggles with avoiding time-sucks like YouTube and the internet in general.

Smart kid. He’s goin’ places. He’s gonna kick ass.

I’m still strugglin’ so hard.

I think I mentioned I had three sodas and a snack at work this week. Outside of work wasn’t much different. Had brisket mac & cheese yesterday (as I mentioned above). Big fat greasy (double cheese) burger today. Two scoops of ice-cream. Taco Bell for dinner. And some beers.

I gotta stop medicating myself. I keep medicating myself with garbage like that, and I’ll never lean out. I’ll never get sexy…

I might just have to quit my job to turn my shit around. I feel like that's the main source of my stress and anxiety. I’m bored out of my gourd. I hate the work I do. On top of the regular 40 hours I work, there’s another hour of commute every day. I’m so tired by the time I get home I don’t want to do anything. I’m going to have to think really hard about this. I might just have to take a leap of faith and free-fall for a while. I can’t imagine how good it would feel to just be free to do the things that I need to do for once in my life. Well... for the first time since I was a child. Whatever.

Family issues are still stressing me out. Whatever, I guess. I guess I just need to, like…. Get over it. Honestly, if I could cut ties with my parents right now, I would. Hurt. Frustrated. Bitter.

@Antonio44 , thank you for the kind words of encouragement. It is indeed difficult to see the success of the long-tenured guys here and then to look at my own situation that pales in comparison. I need to take their successes as inspiration to keep on going.

As for the texting, it’s been a mix. I’ve been playing with Andy’s template a little (e.g. “Hey Sara. You’re sexy. I’m Eric. What’s up?”). I’ve also been making remarks about their profiles (e.g. “Ex-ballerina? Isn’t that some kinda ‘once a dancer, always a dancer’ kinda thing?”).

I did have two girls that were engaged in “lazy” conversation with me. Obviously it's just an escape from boredom for them, but - for me - it’s a start.

I’ll post some screenshots of the conversations later. It’s getting late and I want to get to bed.

Tomorrow's a new day. We'll see what it has in store.

[MakingAComeback]

Love it!

SUCCESS is yours for the taking brother

Believe in the god damn mission

BURN WITH DESIRE

You CANNOT be stopped in life once you become truly relentless

-MAC

[DozerBoy]

Love it!

SUCCESS is yours for the taking brother

Believe in the god damn mission

BURN WITH DESIRE

You CANNOT be stopped in life once you become truly relentless

-MAC

Thanks, MAC! I read your NYC bootcamp report. Super inspiring. I’m gonna keep at it. Even when things get tough.

Speaking of…

It was another hard week/weekend.

Diet/weight: I’m back where I was with diet. Well, not quite. I’m back up to about two sodas and snacks a day. Still too much high-fructose corn syrup and salt. Scale said 176#, which I’m a little dubious of.

Full disclosure: I usually weigh myself on the freight scale that we have at work. I’m guessing that it has a resolution of 2#. So… I could’ve been, like, 176.9 and the scale would’ve rounded down to 176. I gotta buy a cheap scale off of Amazon so I can get more resolution and weigh myself more regularly.

Heard back from the Harley dealership. They’re not hiring. Figures. Said they’d keep my information on file in the event that an opportunity opened up. Yeah. I’m not holding my breath.

I have an idea for a product that fills a gap in a market that’s currently growing at an exponential rate. I’m not confident in myself to, like, make it happen.

Speaking of confidence…

One of the things that I struggle with is a lack of self-love. I’m brutal to myself. Honestly. I hate myself and the life I live, and I make sure to tell myself so most every day. To try and build up a sense of self-worth and self-love, I’ve started a list of reasons of “why I love you.” It’s on a piece of posterboard on my bedroom wall. I want to add one reason every day. When I feel down, I can look back at all of the things that I’ve written and see that I am worthy of love.

It’s not my text game that’s turning women off; it’s the fact that I’m boring as hell. That’s it. Nothing more. I am literally just BORING and I present myself on the apps accordingly. I’ll bet that girlies swipe on the first picture because, “Oh. He’s kinda handsome.” And then – when we match – they see that I’m just….. mediocre.

So. I’ve got new clothes. I need to take some new pictures to show myself off. That’s going to be paramount. I also want to add some more photos that show me doing my thing with my motorcycles and art.

Feeling lots of pain in regards to how I’ve been treated by my parents over the years. I hope that – one day – I’ll be able to be a better dad than my dad was to me. And I hope that my wife will be a better mom than my mom was to me.

OH YEAH! Okay. So. I said I signed up for Meetup.com in my last post. I’ve got my first meetup Saturday evening. I also happen to have scheduled a haircut earlier in the day.

NEW ‘FIT. FRESH CUT. OH MY GOODNESS I’M GONNA BE AT MY BEST.

I hope that I can use that boost in confidence to make some new acquaintances and (maybe) open some potential romantic connections.


Slow ‘n’ steady. Although – sometimes – I tend to take things a little *too* slowly.

C’mon, Eric. Stop thinking. Start doing.

[kratjeuh]

Diet/weight: I’m back where I was with diet. Well, not quite. I’m back up to about two sodas and snacks a day. Still too much high-fructose corn syrup and salt. Scale said 176#, which I’m a little dubious of.

I understand that you come from a far place and just 2 sodas and a snack is big for you, but if you really want it this number should be 0.

You can cut the soda off completely in 1 day. When you go to the shop, you just don’t buy soda so you don’t have it. Get yourself one of those recyclable bottles for work and don’t bring money for the vending machine. You won’t even miss soda after a month or 2.

Snacks are a different story because your body is used to x amount of calories a day. You’ll feel very hungry when you cut this one off but that’s perfect. You’ll make your body adapt to less food so it knows how to function on less calories which means you’ll have an easier time losing weight

[DozerBoy]

@kratjeuh; I know it should be 0. Every time I go to the machine to get a soda, I know that it’s a step away from where I want to be.

I only ever have soda at work from the vending machines; I don’t have any at home. I’ve got a refillable water bottle that I use. I also have a pack of gum at my desk. Whenever I get a craving for soda, I’ll suck down a bunch of water and have a stick of gum. I feel like it helps to satiate the parts of my brain that want soda.

I think that the issue is two-fold. One is that I’m actually addicted to the shit. Two is that I use sugar drinks as medication to help me get through the day. Because I really hate what I do. It kills me inside.

With the snacks, I think it’s two-fold as well. I use snacks as medication, just like soda. The other issue is that I’m just hungry during the work day. I don’t eat breakfast and usually don’t have a very big lunch. That leads to me to be hungry throughout the workday. I need to fix my diet. Get the right amount of calories at the right times so that my body is content and not screaming for whatever I can get my hands on.

But you’re right in everything that you said. I need to be disciplined and say “no” to the salt & sugar.

Appreciate your reading/posting. Encourages me to do better.

.
.
.

I went to my first Meetup.com meetup on Saturday. Funnily enough, it basically turned into a 4-ish hour date with this relatively cute girl.

I got to the venue WAY early. Apparently, this girl was early, too. She pinged the event chat to see if there was anyone else from the group that she could rendezvous with. I told her that I, too, was early and I was chilling near the entrance.

A few minutes later, this girl walks up and asks if I’m Eric from the Meetup group, and I answer yes. We start talking. And we talk. And talk. And talk. When we finally check the time, it’s 20 minutes beyond the scheduled start time (which means that we’ve been talking for a good 40 minutes at that point). We had actually missed the rest of the group going into the event.

After some frantic logistic catchup (the event organizer actually had this girl’s ticket), we get into the event. It’s a little haphazard. The organizer tells us that there are a couple paths to go on that all lead back to the same place, so feel free to just go wherever. We didn’t know who any of the other people were, so Lights Girl and I went down a path together.

The conversation continues to flow as we walk down the path enjoying the lights. As much as I feel self-conscious about not having as many life experiences as other people have, I sure as hell can make conversation.

Eventually, we complete the path. I’m feeling like Lights Girl is… I dunno. Annoyed? Annoyed at having to talk with this weird loser. I get the feeling that she’d much rather talk to someone besides me. That or, at least have the opportunity to talk to someone besides me.

We watch a little 10-minute show/demonstration that happens every hour or whatever. Then we redouble our efforts to find the rest of the group.

We eventually find the rest of the group, chat for a bit, and decide that we’re ready to head over to a bar down the road. Lights Girl and I go to catch the shuttle back to our cars. We talk the whole way. Talk for what feels like another 10 minutes in the dark of the parking lot. Eventually we decide it’s time to actually head out to the bar and go to our cars.

Get to the bar. There are a bunch of the other group members already there. We join. We talk. We eat some appetizers. I drink some beers (she’s sober). Have a good time getting to know *ALL* of the group until about 11:45. At that time, Lights Girl makes it clear that she’s had her fill and it’s time for her to go home.

I figure it’s best for me to go home, too. We say goodbyes to everyone else in the group and head to the parking lot together.

“You should give me your number,” I tell her. “So we can do hiking things.”
She puts her number into my phone with no hesitation.
We get into our cars and head home.

I know that I felt like she was annoyed with me…. but – in actuality – I’m pretty sure that this girl is totally into me.

We’ve been texting back-and-forth today. We’re planning on doing volleyball with the group this Friday. So that’ll be a good second pseudo-date. Just to, like…. further gauge her interest. I figure that – based on her temperament on Friday, I can pitch a one-on-one date with her over the weekend.

I’m thankful that things happened the way they happened. I am inspired to continue expanding my social life and improving myself.

[DozerBoy]

I’ve been slackin’. Missed my Sunday evening posting deadline. Haven’t been taking much action to get closer to my goals.

I suppose I’ll talk about the few things I *have* done between last post and now.

I went on a “date” with “Lights Girl.” It was a bust. She was… I dunno. Not my type for various reasons. And probably less into me than I was thinking she was. Whatever. I’ll write it off as a learning experience. At least it got me out of the apartment for a few hours on a Saturday. That’s a win.

I went and played some indoor volleyball with the Meetup group last Friday. It was a TON of fun! I was, however, sore for days afterwards in really odd spots. Hah.

Met a whole bunch of new people. Did my best (I’ve not played volleyball since, like, high school gym class, I think). Went out and had drinks afterwards with people from the group.

I had some really nice conversations with the people that were sat next to me at the bar.

This one guy told me all about his travels and how he lived in Cambodia and Thailand. He said to me that the trick was to just make the decision and let the details figure themselves out. I need to do that more.

I think I’m at a point where I need to quit the job I’m at if I want to make progress. I’m miserable every day. From the time I get in to the time I leave. I’m watching the clock. It sucks so much of my energy.

I want to reach out to my friends to ask for their thoughts, but I know that *I* have to be the one to make the decision. *I* have to be the one to justify it to myself.

I don’t have anything else lined up. I put my feelers out for a couple motorcycle-related gigs, but got turned away. I’ve never been jobless before in my adult life. I’ve always had a new gig lined-up before leaving the old one. It’s scary.

I’ve been talking with the intern that worked at our company last summer. He’s a good kid. Really smart. We have both lamented the fact that YouTube and YouTube Shorts eat up a bunch of our time. He came up with a competition to incentivize us to avoid those time-sucks. He and I and another one of his friends are in on it. I’m hoping that this will help to push me away from the internet time-sucks and towards action.

I think I’m at an impasse. I can’t keep going like this. I have to make a drastic change.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

What’s the worst that could happen, huh? I spend a couple months burning the reserve I have. I don’t find anything that sparks joy in me. That fulfills my yearning to feel as though I have made a difference. I go back to engineering. “Engineering.” Designing. Back to the old ways.

I have a date lined up for Saturday with a local youth minister (via Bumble). I’m talking with a single mom on Tinder. Neither are exactly what I’m looking for, but… it’s nice to be engaged with people. Nice to have *some* attention. We’ll see where they go. I gotta remember to be honest.

I’m going to do some more volleyball tomorrow (Friday). It’ll be fun. I know it will. And I have high hopes that the post-game drinks will yield more fantastic conversations.

[DozerBoy]

Volleyball Friday was a bit of a bust. I pulled a quad halfway through the first game and sat out for the remaining, like, 2-3/4 hours. Woof. BUT. I did end up going out for drinks with some of the people. Worth it. Had a lot of fun. Had a lot of good conversations. I felt good. It’s good building up that social muscle (and not being in the apartment on a Friday night).

I had a date with the youth minister from Bumble on Saturday. It was interesting. It felt like she was guarded. Conversation didn’t flow. Lots of silences. At one point I asked about her dating background. She said that she had never been in a long-term relationship. Said that she had just been “doing her own thing.” Ehhhh…. I want to say that it’s not a red flag, but…. I dunno. I don’t want to be, like, going through the whole “first time” thing with someone that’s only a year younger than myself. Hell. God knows that I’ve got a lot of catching-up to do when it comes to knowing how to operate within a relationship.

I’m still back-and-forth on quitting my job. I’ve never been jobless before as an adult and it’s a pretty scary prospect.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You gotta take drastic action, my guy.

Don’t let yourself stagnate and languish where you know that you’re not happy.

Imagine what could be if you made that leap of faith.

You’re clever. You’ll figure it out. You always have…

[DozerBoy]

On Wednesday I told my boss that I was going to leave the company. He was taken aback. He asked me if I had another gig lined up. I said I didn’t. He encouraged me to not leave. He offered that we could explore other options within the company. Said we could talk.

We didn’t talk the rest of the week. He made it sound like he was going to take me out to lunch and impart his wisdom to me. I ended up just getting a “If you want to talk, we can do that when you’re ready.”

I’m going to go in on Monday and tell him that my decision to leave is final.

Believe me, I wish that I could have a place already set-up. But I guarantee that if I don’t take this leap of faith now, I’m never going to leave this place.

I’m tired of being miserable.

I’m tired of the comfortable misery.

Anything else happen this week?

I went to volleyball again on Friday. I actually got to play this time. Lots of fun. I’m getting better, I think. Had more great conversations at the bar afterwards. This Meetup group was a good thing.

Told the youth minister that I wasn’t feeling it. She was like, “No problem!”

Had this interaction with the single mom:

TIME WASTER.JPG

That juice ain't worth the squeeze.

I’ve not been doing a lot of swiping. I need to revamp my profile. I hope that I’ll have some more time and energy after this week is done.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. We’ll see where the road takes me.

[DozerBoy]

I did it. I went in and told Bossman that I’m leaving. I also told him that “it’s not you, it’s me.” I’ve been denying the truth to myself for… 8-ish years now. Engineering just ain’t the thing for me.

He asked me to stay for a month while he finds my replacement. I kinda hate the idea of languishing for another month when I could be working on getting my life turned around.

We’ll see. At this point, I’m just glad to be able to have an actual end-date of some type.

Now I gotta start thinking about what I want to do with myself.

What makes me happy?
What brings me joy?
What could I lose myself in for hours on end?
What can I pour my heart and soul into?

I feel like a big part of the reason why I’m not happy with engineering is that I don’t feel ownership.

I can pour my heart and soul into something and it goes unappreciated.
I can put months of work into establishing a new way of doing things only for the old way to be perpetuated.

I guess that this is an indicator that I should work for myself.
If I work for myself, I can dictate the rules.
Nobody appreciates your hard work like yourself, right?

Anyways. This is one small step in the right direction. Let’s use this momentum and keep accomplishing goals.