trying’s progress log

trying · Sun Sep 24, 2023 6:24 pm

Hello,
I want to do the AA program (GLL) and thought it would be a good idea to log it here. Hope I am allowed to even though this isn’t the GLL forum.

I’ve known about GLL and Andy since 2015, and been lurking the forums off and on. I recently found Tragedy’s thread about the «post medication syndromes», and found it very well written.

I have PFS/PSSD/PAS (or whatever you want to call it) from accutane 8-9 years ago, but think I have recovered my reward system to a «good enough» level to give it a go. Still feel castrated though, and in pain most of the time (even when at home).

I have no friends, never had a gf, no job for a number of years, no education etc. I spend 90% of the time or more inside the house (my parents’). I have serious problems even going to the mailbox, and buying groceries is getting increasingly more difficult (crippling social/anticipation anxiety etc) and takes a lot of effort and energy. This has been getting worse over the years. Which makes things difficult, but at least I have a much wider spectrum of feelings now compared to before.

For many years I was basically a zombie, having massive anhedonia, brain fog, DP/DR and emotional flatness etc. But the benefit of that was somewhat reduced anxiety and no depression. Anxiety is now at an all time high, and I really have to do something about it. It’s also somewhat of a result of feeling stuck for so long. Very traumatizing. But I see the anxiety as a good thing too. More feelings = better. Respons to coffee, nicotine, alcohol are all better, indicating a more sensitive reward system.

Usually I avoid participating in forums because I feel it takes too much energy out of me, and puts to much pressure on me to perform etc. So might delete.
Got a stress respons just writing this out and thinking about posting it, and still am a nervous wreck even 6 hours after. I seriously can’t think straight anymore if this is the right thing to do or not.

But I’ll give it a go. I have to get out of this by any means necessary.

The AA program will be my only goal for the next 5-6 months.

Thanks for reading.

Antonio44 · Sun Sep 24, 2023 10:11 pm

Keep it up big guy, every little step is a step closer to your goals, and the lovable eccentrics on this forum are very supportive. What would you like to get out of the AA program?

trying · Mon Sep 25, 2023 7:32 am

Thanks man. I want to get rid of my problems by doing exposure therapy. The problem is though that it's not a straight line for me. My brain doesn't respond to stimuli like a normal human being anymore. Fucked reward system. So I don't think many people here can relate. If I do any AA drills I essentially become a psychopath the next day, and the third day I get massive depression and brain fog, and the fourth day I have PTSD. So I've decided to not log it here any further, since I'm not really open for advice from people who haven't gone through the same thing as me, which would be the main point of this log, to receive advice.
Take care.