JadedSkeptical Log

[JadedSkeptical]

Yo guys.

I'll start this log to illustrate what I've done, what I'm doing right now some of my struggles, as well as keep some ideas of mine in check, as my mind is usually pretty chaotic. My username was chosen to illustrate this moment I'm in.

Right now as start of 2024 I'm unemployed.
More than ten years ago I started a Computer Science bachelor and couldn't keep up with the hurdles of university, which I treated like highschool and couldn't take advantage of the benefits of networking and scholarship opportunities at the time.

Got a low paying job in the IT field as a code monkey a few years later and dropped out of the university. Had a gf at the time that wasn't good for me or my mental health and led me to a lot of mental breakdowns. Being young and naive, I thought a woman would solve my issues but it just made them worse.

Quit this job at an attempt to pursue a dream I had since as a kid, which was game development. Had no real plans, just dreams, went back to my parent's house to sit at the computer and code stuff until something came out.
At the same time I got into a drawing's course.
Spent three years trying to create a game and nothing came out of it. Got better at drawing but nothing noteworthy besides compliments from family and friends.

Then I decided to do another graduation in Fine Arts. The best thing about it here is that universities are free but the living costs in moving to other cities makes thing a bit difficult. Still, my parents helped me spend a year in another city studying in 2019 until the pandemic came.

During the pandemic, I got a bit disillusioned with my life choices and decided to get back at software development and after some struggle, got a job by the end of 2020. Three months later, another company invited me, offered a better salary and benefits. One year later they got dissatisfied with my work and laid me off. Another company hired me a month later and yet another year later, they also fired me. This was May's last year.

I never liked working with business software. My mind unintentionally drifts off during meetings, I'm slow at learning the company's business, my tasks are done in a very sparse way and I have a general lack of interest in the job overall, ending up just taking the my month's payment and overspending on other stuff I find more enjoyable. Overall, I find spending 8h a day in some office boring and pointless that adds nothing to my life, as I end up tired and doing nothing enjoyable or doing any progress in my life in the after hours or weekends. Even going to the gym were a problem, since after work the gyms are usually so crowded you can't do any workout properly. I was miserable.

Right now what I'm doing is trying to figure out a living out of things that I do in my spare time, which is learning digital art and creating games. I'm under heavy pressure by the bank to pay my debts and my parent's also pressure me to do something with my life.
All I know is that, although I spent more than a decade in software development, I really don't want to work with it because it does nothing for my life goals or give me any reason to live at all.
I've written lots of goodbye letters in my notebook with the intention to send them my family and friends but never had the courage to do anything.

I've read several self-help and pickup books. They changed my mindset a bit and let me to try stuff a bit more, specially in socializing and approaching. I discovered that although it's nothing complicated, facing rejecting is really hard and I had emotional breakdowns lots of times.

I'm also want to be an attractive guy that can pull hot girls anytime he wants but I ended up realizing that the reason why I keep failing is that I'm ultimately unhappy, broken and miserable with my own life, and nobody wants to be near someone like that.

[MakingAComeback]

WELCOME TO THE GRIND BOYO