From a Small Seed To A Towering Tree - Action Log

fledgling_seed · Wed Jun 30, 2021 1:40 am

What up guys.

Today’s Day 2 since I joined the forum. Today was a little rougher for me than yesterday, where I approached a girl at the park & got back into the swing of things business-wise. After pooping basically all morning, I masturbated 5 times & spent 3 hours lying in bed reading fanfics & looking at porn. After that, I ate lunch & got ready to go back to the park, only to discover that my entire afternoon & evening were rained out. I helped my mom book an appointment, called my job agency to clarify exactly what jobs I applied for, did 50 sit-ups, & reviewed a bunch of videos on my online blogging course (Blog Money Blueprint). I even installed some plug-ins to help my website function better.

I wasn’t able to sleep for the majority of the night because I had a massive revelation about myself: I feel like I’m expected, as an aspiring cool guy, to be both needless (or at least appearing to have no needs) & to have the ability to meet my hidden, suppressed needs at the same time. This dynamic has fucked me up since I was probably 7-8 years old, & after talking with some friends about it, I fully accepted that I have desires & that it’s ok to express them to the people around me & to have these desires, wants, & burning passions & desires for things in life. I don’t have to be the effortless cool guy all the time who doesn’t need anything.

Now, I’ve gotta focus on getting to sleep as fast as possible.

Adam · Thu Jul 01, 2021 2:55 am

I have no idea what you're working on from reading this. What's your #1 goal? I saw in your new member post that you've got 7 goals for the end of 2021. Which is most important and how will you know when you've achieved it. You're depressed, you're a virgin, you lack confidence, you aren't happy with your body, and you feel resentful at the world over lockdowns. That's not me putting you down, that's what I gather from what you've written. What's the ONE thing you're going to accomplish in the next few months to start improving that? Be specific.

play_time_is_over · Thu Jul 01, 2021 8:16 am

A good place to start is to stop watching porn, playing video games and reading fanfics. Your posts make it sound like everyone's against you and that you've tried everything. Have you tried not logging into your computer for a day? Have you tired not looking at pornhub for even a single day? I hope soon you will see that the only person 'against' you is YOU. Everything wrong with your life is your fault and no one else's. You are currently choosing to live this way by not giving up vices. You chose this, and it's not healthy to blame others for things you did, but it's actually very liberating to realize that you have full agency over your life.

fledgling_seed · Thu Jul 01, 2021 5:58 pm

Adam wrote: ↑
Thu Jul 01, 2021 2:55 am
I have no idea what you're working on from reading this. What's your #1 goal? I saw in your new member post that you've got 7 goals for the end of 2021. Which is most important and how will you know when you've achieved it. You're depressed, you're a virgin, you lack confidence, you aren't happy with your body, and you feel resentful at the world over lockdowns. That's not me putting you down, that's what I gather from what you've written. What's the ONE thing you're going to accomplish in the next few months to start improving that? Be specific.

My goal for this week is to go to sleep at 10:30 PM or earlier every night.

fledgling_seed · Tue Jul 06, 2021 2:37 am

1 week on - I fucked up

Hey,
During the past few days, I backslid into my old habits of playing video games all night & masturbating 5-6 times a day. I fucked up. Massively. I figure I did this because I failed to go to sleep before 10:30 PM on the night of July 2 because I was procrastinating on my shaving, & I just told myself “fuck it” with everything after that, rationalizing, “it’s my day off, I’ll get it back tomorrow.” Spoiler alert: I never got it back, with the exception of last night, & even now I’m still up because of all of my procrastination today. I actually got up at 7 AM & could have used the day to do significant work on my online business. I ate 2 meals before noon & even worked out with a guy I met at the park. Unfortunately all of that just translated to just reading a couple of chapters of business books. God, I’m such an action faker. But hey, at least I’m trying. And so far, I haven’t played video games or masturbated yet today, so that’s good.

Had a 6-day long gaming-free streak going before I gave up on Saturday. Christ. It was so bad that on Sunday I woke up at nearly 1 PM. How do you guys stay consistent in the face of discouragement from core habit failure? I promised the forum a SIMPLE goal: go to sleep at 10:30 PM every night for the next week. I couldn’t even keep THAT. What makes me, or anyone else, think I can achieve ANY of the other goals I set for myself? Fuck me I feel like a piece of shit.

Jacobpalmer123 · Tue Jul 06, 2021 3:37 am

Remember doing less is progress. Thats the key to remember. Its not an all or nothing. If your typical habit is porn 6 days a week and video games 6 days a week but you cut it down to 2 or 3 days a week. That progress isHUGE.

I Recommend doing the calendar method. I mean if you play video games and porn 4 days in a month you've cut it down by 20 and that is huge. That way when you do mess up you remember "I've only done it once so far this month no reason to binge" Easier to say in practice but with time becomes easier.

Just remember tomorrow is another day and that's the day you'll do it.

fledgling_seed · Tue Jul 06, 2021 2:00 pm

Jacobpalmer123 wrote: ↑
Tue Jul 06, 2021 3:37 am
Remember doing less is progress. Thats the key to remember. Its not an all or nothing. If your typical habit is porn 6 days a week and video games 6 days a week but you cut it down to 2 or 3 days a week. That progress isHUGE.

I Recommend doing the calendar method. I mean if you play video games and porn 4 days in a month you've cut it down by 20 and that is huge. That way when you do mess up you remember "I've only done it once so far this month no reason to binge" Easier to say in practice but with time becomes easier.

Just remember tomorrow is another day and that's the day you'll do it.

I have a sort of habit calendar app on my iPhone named "Streaks." I put my bad habits on there, & it gives me a streak as to how long I've refrained from it. I can also use it for good habits, but I feel like using that app to focus on eliminating my bad habits is better for me at this time. I have Habitica for the good habits anyway. So yeah. Thanks for the reminder tho

Adam · Sat Jul 10, 2021 2:41 pm

Hey Man. How's it going? Andy's advice was for you to find a therapist immediately. Any progress on that front?

fledgling_seed wrote: ↑
Tue Jul 06, 2021 2:37 am
Had a 6-day long gaming-free streak going before I gave up on Saturday. Christ. It was so bad that on Sunday I woke up at nearly 1 PM. How do you guys stay consistent in the face of discouragement from core habit failure?

My favorite article on this site - and the one that got me interested in this community in the first place - is Andy's article on the Slight Edge. https://kyil-extra.com/slight-edge/. One point he makes is that it's important to have a finish line when you set your goals, rather than just committing to do X every day or abstain from X every day.

Finish Line: Your goals also need to have an end-point; they can’t be daily habits. By that I mean you should write your goal as a tangible destination; rather than some habit you repeat. So don’t say, “I will walk every day for 10 minutes”. You’re inevitably going to have bad days where you don’t do any walking, and then what – you’ve failed your goal entirely?

Instead, write your goal as an end-point you can get to. eg: “I will walk a quarter-marathon (6.5 miles) by March 20th.”

Goal setting only works if you have an end goal; a destination to work towards with a deadline to keep you on track. Daily habits help you achieve that goal; but they’re not a goal in and of themselves.

I think that very few of us never have days where we mess up our habits. Especially if you're trying to abstain from a behavior that you've had for a long time. Staying up late. Playing Video Games. Masturbating. Eating Junk Food. It's hard to just STOP those altogether. Which is why it helps to have a specific goal in mind so that the days you mess up don't discourage you too badly.

fledgling_seed · Fri Jul 16, 2021 1:41 am

The last 10 days have been nothing short of miraculous. I came up with a sales funnel idea for my blog, applied to all the jobs my job agency recommended, followed up with my job developer about said job, & managed to go to a park in the downtown of my city & approach a cute girl who wanted me to stick around after I told her I had to check on my car (which I had to cut short because I was worried about getting a parking ticket, which I didn’t get, but still). My overprotective dad actually approved of me going to the downtown park. I also worked out with a guy at another park & seem to be getting better. I also practiced my conversation skills on Omegle on Tuesday & Wednesday for 1 hour each, came up with a daily schedule (and backup plans for that schedule in case I had spare time between tasks), & called back a friend I had been procrastinating calling for 2 weeks. All this despite staying up until 2-3 AM reading fanfiction most days (really, I only get like Wednesday, Thursday, & maybe Tuesday of every week right).

Oh yeah, & haven’t played video games in 4 days as of this writing.

I have to thank the “Ascended Mogul” subliminal audio file from SubliminalClub for this transformation. The biggest thing about it is that it sounds like a relaxing track, so I can just listen to it on the toilet. It’s cut down my toilet time back to normal people levels, 5 minutes for per & 10-15 minutes for poo (I used to waste a lot of time playing with my phone on the toilet & would spend about an hour per visit, but not anymore. Now I just pull up the tape & listen). You guys should really check it out (I hope plugging doesn’t get me banned haha, this is amazing). I listen to it every time I sit on the toilet, in addition to during my morning & nighttime routines. Idk if a therapist would work for me… all my previous ones recommended me to just think differently about my situation. Turns out my solution, at this level, is ACTION. MASSIVE FUCKING ACTION. I actually feel pretty good on a moment-to-moment basis. I realized, today, that I should stop self-pitying.

Fri Jul 16, 2021 10:16 am

And to think you were suicidal a while back

Adam · Fri Jul 16, 2021 12:56 pm

Good stuff man. You're right, Action is the answer. Keep it up.

fledgling_seed · Sat Jul 17, 2021 5:33 pm

Remember all that progress I’ve made lately?

I went back on it. After a strong start to the day, finishing all of my family’s weekly errands by 1 PM, I ate a large pizza & felt sluggish afterwards. What followed was me relapsing into fapping & reading fanfiction, & consequently staying up until 4:25 AM doing that & finishing up other self-care tasks I felt too lazy to do in the late afternoon & early evening (e.g. finishing my shaving & cleaning my ears).

Today I had to start my day with even more errands from my mom, but I’m hoping I can get past it & still be productive.

Adam · Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:48 pm

fledgling_seed wrote: ↑
Sat Jul 17, 2021 5:33 pm
I went back on it. After a strong start to the day, finishing all of my family’s weekly errands by 1 PM, I ate a large pizza & felt sluggish afterwards. What followed was me relapsing into fapping & reading fanfiction, & consequently staying up until 4:25 AM doing that & finishing up other self-care tasks I felt too lazy to do in the late afternoon & early evening (e.g. finishing my shaving & cleaning my ears).

I really think it will help you to have a concrete goal, rather than just habits. Everyone flubs their habits from time to time. But if you have a concrete goal: once you've accomplished it, you can say "I did that" and no future failures can ever take it away. If all you have are habit streaks, you'll constantly yo-yo back and forth between feeling good about yourself and feeling like a loser everytime you 'relapse'

fledgling_seed · Wed Jul 21, 2021 4:41 am

I’ve been having a bad time these last few days. Yesterday I even cried for about 30 minutes straight. I’ve been trying to push myself to go out but it’s not working anymore. I feel like I can’t do this.

I felt like killing myself on Monday after learning that while my province has apparently somewhat reopened, going anywhere requires reservations & you’re still subject to the same old restrictions. This makes me feel like the lockdown crisis will never end & I’ll never be able to escape it.

All I could do on Monday & Tuesday was just lie in bed. Now I can’t even sleep.

I don’t even feel like I can set concrete goals because the world does it’s darned best to actively stop me from achieving them. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m about to be 25 & I’m a goddamned loser in every area of life with nothing to show for it & no prospects of turning it around while everyone else my age is settling into a nice career with tons of friends & having already had the quintessential youth experience with no room for new friends.

I still try to push myself to do the right things every day (work out, go outside, work on my blog) but it all seems so pointless.

Wed Jul 21, 2021 7:09 am

Totally normal. When you are trying to change your brain, it fights back. We establish a preset when we feel bad. We keep working at it and over time we stabilise in a more positive place.

It will all feel pointless when your neurology isn't working as it should. It all felt like that for me for many years but I kept working. You will get there.

Action Points: (1) Consider running a search for a therapist in your area, being suicidal is not a way you deserve to feel, get help (2) Did you read the post on brain reconditioning I recommended? If not, that's totally OK, consider reading it now.

Keep working kid. It's often two steps forward, one step back in this game of self improvement.

Stay in the fight,
MAC