Svadhishthana's log

The main purpose of this forum; tell us what goals you're working on.
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MakingAComeback
Posts: 4130 | Thanks: 4864
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2021 1:17 pm
Goal: 3k Per Month Post Tax
Age: 32
Motto: POSITIVE SELF TALK

Tue Aug 10, 2021 7:01 am

Yes!! :) Keep working brother, keep working.

MAC
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ironwilltribe
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Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Tue Aug 10, 2021 5:22 pm

Update:
Stayed up late again last night again. This is stupid. No reason for it, either. Just got on my phone and didn't want to put it down. I knew I was tired, I knew I should go to sleep, but I just kept reading. Ugh. Of course, now I'm tired, and unmotivated to do anything. I'll still get it done though. I'll still do my job, work out, finish meal prep for the week, maybe do a shoot (or just start prepping for one). But if prior experience serves as a guide, by the time bedtime comes around my exhaustion will peak, and I will respond not by sleeping but by entertaining myself. Giving myself cheap hits of dopamine to make up for what felt like a hard, unproductive, and unfulfilling day, which will, of course, make the next day similarly hard, unproductive, and unfulfilling.

However, there is hope - the book I'm reading has something to say about sleep. Obvious things. Like "sleeping more leads to weight loss and muscle gain, since it is when recovery happens", and "people who consistently sleep poorly will eat to compensate for their tiredness, and will be more ruled by their emotions, leading to emotional eating." Well duh, I already knew that. But more importantly, it has a suggestion, rather than just saying "well fix it". Instead, it suggests a program/app called Sleep School (installed, set up, paid fee), along with the book "The Sleep Book" (ordered). The book and program are apparently based on ACT therapy ideas, so, solid foundation. But on the other hand, I'm still a bit skeptical, because their marketing keeps harping on how the program was made by doctors and scientists, based on the latest research, blah blah blah. To me these days, this indicates that it will probably be scientifically correct but not practical. Nevertheless, the program asks that you commit do doing the tasks and such for 30 days, doing just a few minutes per day of reading/watching videos and work - so with no better ideas and a history of failure rolling my own behavior change, I hereby commit to finishing this program to see if it works.

Unfortunately, the first task was to update app settings to specify times to receive notifications from the app to prompt you to do the tasks. But the app appears to be wonked, since I can't find those settings anywhere. Emailed support for info or to file a bug, but no response yet. If I can't actually get notifications set up though, nbd - easy enough to set up my own alerts.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
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Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Wed Aug 11, 2021 6:51 pm

Ok, seems my bitching yesterday was not for naught. Actually did some winding down last night, got in bed on time, and meditated til I went to sleep. Not feeling 100%, but way better than yesterday. Used the sleep school relaxation technique described in the first lesson - pretty basic meditation, which I've done before. Feel your body on the bed, notice the sensation, relax, sink deeper, transition to focusing on the breath. Annoyingly, it was way easier to reach the meditative state when listening to the app audio earlier in the day, versus doing it on my own at bedtime.

A few more thoughts on falling asleep -

A bit more than a year ago, around the start of the pandemic, I got pretty regular in my meditation practice, meditating every morning when I woke up, and then every evening before I went to sleep, following the instructions from the book "The Mind Illuminated". Then, I would "force" myself to go to sleep, even if I wasn't very tired, by continuing to meditate laying down in bed (focus on airflow in the nose, count to 10 then start over, notice thoughts and let them go) for as long as it took for me to go to sleep. I've had a pretty fucked up sleep schedule since.... probably 1st grade. So it's often difficult for me to go to sleep, and my most consistent cue to go to sleep is being absolutely exhausted - not "tired," but "I couldn't stay awake if my life depended on it". So "meditate until you fall asleep" could often take a while... sometimes hours. I didn't often check the time, but I know that many times while doing this, I would simply be lying in bed meditating until 1am, then waking at 6am. But the interesting thing was that when I would wake up, I would often feel *extremely* mentally refreshed. I would feel physical fatigue later in the day, but on waking I would feel like I'd actually gotten a full nights sleep - and a sounder nights sleep than I'd had in years! This makes me think that perhaps a lot of the rest I'm missing isn't necessarily due to lack of physical sleep (though there's definitely a lot of that) - but instead due to a lack of mental relaxation.

Another sleep technique I've used in the past I don't think I've ever seen discussed anywhere before. I think of it as "forced dreaming". You know how when you recount a dream, everything is just kind of... weird? Things exist, then cease to be relevant; you're in a place suddenly, with no explanation for how you got there; you have a task to complete, but don't know why you're doing it. Forced dreaming is kind of like that. You relax a bit, and just let your brain think of anything it wants - visuals work the best for me. Maybe it's kaleidescopic images, or running down a corridor, or battling a monster. But as soon as you notice things getting more detailed or repetitive, you "fall backwards" into a new thought. I typically latch onto one detail of the thing I'm imagining, let everything else fall away, and wait for my brain to fill in the empty spaces again - so maybe a triangle in the kaleidoscope turns into a hallway I'm running down, or the monster I'm fighting turns tail and starts flying home, and I am watching it fly in the third person. After a while, my brain gets the idea, and I shift into actual dreaming and fall asleep. It's never been as refreshing as "meditate for several hours as a substitute for sleep", but it has been effective in getting me to fall asleep quickly.

The last way I've managed to fall asleep is simply by making sleep a "must". Most memorable are evenings before challenging alpine climbs. I knew we'd be waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning, and that my partner would be counting on me to have my shit together and be ready for anything. With this motivation, I was consistently able to fall asleep underneath a boulder at 6pm almost instantly. And if I woke up early, I would just roll over and think "no go back to sleep. You gotta be rested."

The most consistent I ever sleep, though, is when doing long hikes. This is hardly surprising, since the day consists of waking naturally, exercising continuously, having almost no stress and letting the mind wander free, and almost never looking at screens. Within a day or two, I will be falling asleep at dark and waking at sunrise (then rolling over and sleeping for another hour). After a month, I find it difficult to stay up past 8, even with bright lights and lots of stimulation.

Anyway, completed sleep school tasks, worked out, finished meal prep and ate well, didn't drink, and went to bed on time last night. Did some practice shots for dog 2, but nothing worth sharing. Not bad for a zombie day.

Hope to review some more of the shots today to get an idea of locations, props, accessories, etc for the future. Plus more reading my book about fat loss.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
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Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Thu Aug 12, 2021 12:54 pm

Completed sleep school assignment again yesterday. Reminder notifications, which I still can't control, are going off in the morning. As good as any other time I suppose. Lesson today was meditating (not really meditating in my opinion...) on gratitude. Gratitude is a hot topic these days, and no wonder, since it seems in short supply. Practicing it before bed each night (I suppose this shouldn't be surprising) reminds me of the Christian tradition of prayer before bed. Which then, of course, reminds me of the tradition of prayer before meals. The world keeps getting more secular, and as a lifelong atheist, I can't really be upset about this - but I do often think that religion deserves some formal study and intellectual respect, as a system of knowledge and living that is often more practical and effective than the purely scientific worldview. Good Muslims turn to Mecca to pray five times per day - would it be at all surprising if they were found to be happier and more grateful for life than the average atheist, or worse, the unthinking non-atheist non-believer?

Anyway, went to bed on time again today. Forgot to do the gratitude thing (I'm an ungrateful son of a bitch), but meditated myself to sleep. Unfortunately, my brain hates being happy, and woke up for good at 3 am today, and I was unable to fall back asleep even after meditation and relaxation for a couple hours. Still, I count it as a win - I assume that as I get better at sleeping earlier, I'll get better at sleeping later.

Otherwise - ate well, drank none, rest day from working out, read my book. Was stressed after work, so took the bike up into the foothills. My first time on real twisties! Really happy I have this option to destress when I need it.

All the talk of looking good and dressing better reminds me of the dandies - a subculture in the 19th century which elevated a man's appearance to near the status of religion -

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dandy

Congrats, you're all dandy boys!
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Fri Aug 13, 2021 5:56 pm

Went to bed on time last night, but stayed up for an excessive amount of time just thinking. Tried meditating to calm down, but it was very difficult - I would start, maybe count to 10 once, and then the thought train would come and sweep me away for another 15 minutes. Then I would realize I was still thinking instead of sleeping, and think - I should meditate so I can calm down and go to sleep - but I was so tired that starting meditating even seemed daunting. I was so tired, I kept thinking that if I just rolled over and tried, I would just drift off to sleep *this time*.... And I was right... eventually.

Possible contributing factors:

- Worked out later than normal. May have increased energy and alertness.
- Since I worked out late, I also ate dinner late. Added too much cheese to dinner too, which has salt, which I know keeps me up.
- The garage where I work out has led lights, which might have reduced melatonin production.
- Girl I matched with on tinder seemed close to giving me her number -> adrenaline response.
- I lay down in bed sometimes during the day, which is bad sleep hygiene.

I also notice I tend to wake up earlier than I'd like. There's not much artificial light outside my window, so light is dictated by the sun. So I figured - why block it out, when this is exactly what my brain wants to use to regulate the sleep cycle? But I realize that social obligations will require me to stay up later than my natural circadian rhythm, and so I will also need to sleep later, and therefore block the sun from my window so I can keep sleeping in the morning.

To solve these problems, I'll go get some blackout curtains from the store today, and have ordered some blue-light blocking glasses. Also, reminder to myself to not add cheese to dinner, and to try to work out earlier. Finally, make my bed when I get up to cue myself later in the day not to lay down in it.

Finished the book I was reading on fat loss this morning. There are some things in the book I agree with, and some I find questionable, but overall it made sense so I'll give it a shot. The basic premise is that most people are better at long term weight loss and maintenance when they become better at listening to their body's cues about hunger, rather than by following a strict diet. This makes a lot of sense, and a lot of the advice it gives is really things I instinctively figured out years ago. It seems to me like the obvious long-term strategy - counting calories until I die seems onerous, but noticing I'm satiated and the not continuing to shovel food in my mouth seems doable.

So, the plan - I'll follow the program for one month to see if I like it, and if it seems effective. After, I will reassess, and either continue or switch to a more aggressive fat loss strategy. The benefit here is that I can switch back to this plan after an aggressive diet to maintain my new weight.

The book recommends working on four skills/habits at a time - two during meals and two between meals. The skills I will work on:

1) put down the fork. Put down the fork between bites, chew the food, don't take another bite until you finish your current one. I've been practicing this already, and it is pretty easy... until I'm distracted. Like last night, when I was hungry after working out, and sat down to eat in the garage while watching my roommates boulder. I realized after about half my bowl of soup was gone that I was being a food vacuum, and slowed down.

2) Notice when full and stop eating. This one I'm actually intrigued by. When I'm on a more structured eating plan, I tend to eat "the allocated portion", and I've done this semiregularly for years. When you get one portion and you know that's all you're allowed, it's pretty easy to stop - different from my other eating pattern, which is "keep eating until you want to vomit". I think this is good, in that it taught me that not having an absolutely bursting stomach is fine, and will not end with me hungry later. But I never really developed the skill of noticing how full I feel, and then making a decision to stop eating when I feel good. The goal here is to calibrate my brain to understand how full I need to feel in order to end up hungry in about 4-6 hours, when it is time to eat again.

3) Notice fullness/hunger before meals. This one pairs well with 2, since it is the feedback on the "did I eat enough?" question. If I thought I was full when I finished the last meal, and then was starving 2 hours before the next one, then I should have eaten more. And if I'm not hungry at all before the next meal, I should have eaten less.

4) Distinguish between actual hunger and emotional impulses to eat. I've been trying this out lately, and it is actually quite hard. Right now, after breakfast, I am noting how I feel - there are some feelings in my stomach and chest and throat that I would normally associate with hunger, but if I actually feel how full my stomach feels, it feels like I don't really need to eat - like I have plenty of food to last a bit. The separation of these two feelings was actually the biggest benefit I noticed from keto - it was *easy* to distinguish real hunger, and the desire to eat something because I was bored. Being able to do this on a more typical diet with carbs would probably be my biggest win in terms of maintaining a healthy weight.

As I've written before, I can keep a pretty good diet on the day-to-day. It blows up when I have a lot of stress in my life (cue getting a pizza because I have no food in the house), social events (downing beers and picking away all night at the potluck table), and non-standard situations (hungry on a road trip, hit a fast food joint). So really what I'm doing here is practicing these skills in the day-to-day, and then asking myself to perform in the troublesome scenarios.

As mentioned above, matched with another cute girl 2 days ago. Managed to get to the asking for her number stage, and she actually responded to it... But not with her number. However, the fact that she actually responded had me freaking out - like, what the fuck, I might actually meet a girl? Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm totally not ready! Since I never got the number, crisis averted - but it was my wakeup call that I actually need to get my shit together for dates and stuff. Also, will high five myself on a new high point!

It's been a bit since I've practiced taking photos. I don't want to beat myself up over it, since currently it is a nice-to-have, rather than a must. I was mostly reading my book instead, which might actually be considered a higher priority. But if I'm honest with myself, a large part of the reason I haven't been doing it is because finding times and locations where I can shoot alone is stressful and time consuming, so I've been procrastinating. While obviously this hangup is a problem, I'm going to put it on the back burner for now and try to work around it for now. I figure it'll be easier to tackle once I'm more familiar with how cameras work, and with actually being in shots (especially those taken by other people).

Agreed to go climbing this Saturday with some friends, so that should present some opportunities. One opportunity is that we'll presumably be eating and drinking in camp together tonight, so I can practice eating and drinking consciously in social situations. Also, should get lots of practice shooting climbing shots - not specific to getting good dating shots, but it's good practice with the camera, and at this point in my photography career, I really just need a fuckton of volume. Plus I'm finding it's actually fun. Sunday I can do chores, get ahead on food prep, and do at least one shoot with myself.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
canderson
Posts: 121 | Thanks: 6
Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2021 4:56 am
Goal: Travel
Age: 28

Sat Aug 14, 2021 5:10 am

Svadhishthana wrote:
Fri Aug 13, 2021 5:56 pm
I'll go get some blackout curtains from the store today, and have ordered some blue-light blocking glasses
Alternatively you can just wear a sleeping mask. That's been helping me sleep well past sunrise. Thumbs up for blue-light blocking glasses.

I enjoy reading your log man. Keep pushing.
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MakingAComeback
Posts: 4130 | Thanks: 4864
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2021 1:17 pm
Goal: 3k Per Month Post Tax
Age: 32
Motto: POSITIVE SELF TALK

Sun Aug 15, 2021 10:29 am

Circadian biology is massive. Mitochondria are life itself.

I've used blackout curtains and blue blockers for a while. First thing I do every day is get up with sunrise, go in my garden, take all of clothes off (apart from boxers) and stand on the grass while looking at the sunrise. This is so deeply healing. It's earthing / circadian rhythm work.

You ever heard of Dr Jack Kruse?



This guy is a genius btw.

Bit arrogant, yes, but unparalleled intellect.

You're doing good bro. Keep healing yourself and keep working. You're doing a lot of excellent work and appear to be well on your way.

Stay in the fight,
MAC
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ironwilltribe
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Sun Aug 15, 2021 5:28 pm

canderson wrote:
Sat Aug 14, 2021 5:10 am
Svadhishthana wrote:
Fri Aug 13, 2021 5:56 pm
I'll go get some blackout curtains from the store today, and have ordered some blue-light blocking glasses
Alternatively you can just wear a sleeping mask. That's been helping me sleep well past sunrise. Thumbs up for blue-light blocking glasses.

I enjoy reading your log man. Keep pushing.
Thanks dude!

I've actually tried sleeping masks before, and I just couldn't get over the feeling of having something wrapped around my head. I notice when I meditate that one of the main things that could use significant relaxation is the muscles in my face just underneath my eyes, which is exactly where the mask puts pressure. So I theorize that the mask putting pressure there triggers a non-relaxation response that keeps me awake.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Sun Aug 15, 2021 5:33 pm

MakingAComeback wrote:
Sun Aug 15, 2021 10:29 am
You ever heard of Dr Jack Kruse?
Nope, but I'll give the video a watch. I do often find myself just wandering onto my back porch in the mornings, though, and just feel the sun, breathe the air, and look towards the mountains. It doesn't really seem to relieve pressure from my mind, but more allows me to feel the pressure that is there, instead of simply being oblivious to it like I normally am.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Sun Aug 15, 2021 5:33 pm

Missed my update yesterday morning just because I was busy all day.

Friday afternoon I wrapped up work, snuck in a workout, then loaded up the van to drive to the crag. Unfortunately, leaving late meant arriving late, which meant a late dinner. Limited myself to 3 domestics and a couple pulls off the whiskey bottle. Didn't pay as much attention to the tacos I was eating as I should have, but kept the portions mostly under control. Probably in bed by 1130, and slept pretty well, as I usually do in the woods.

Next day got out to the crag. Just myself and one friend, since our other two friends bailed. Good, because my friend was motivated so we got a fair number of pitches in, but having only 2 at the crag limited my ability to practice with the camera. Still, got in some practice - was good because I switched from aperture priority to full manual, and played with shutter speed. Bright out, so dialing it in so pics didn't come out super overexposed was a good exercise. Haven't reviewed the pics yet, but probably got a few good shots of my partner and the landscape. Since my partner has never led on gear, he was toproping all day, so any climbing pics I got of him were probably pretty lame, especially since I could only get these shots from the base of the crag where I was belaying. For anyone out there taking climbing pics, protip: the toprope butt-shot is not sexy. However, the more candid portrait-style shots probably came out alright.

Had two crag beers, against my better judgement. Day drinking is fun, but not ideal since I'm trying to cut back on alcohol, and I always feel like shit by the end of the day. Was doing pretty well until my partner has 2 beers break open in his pack that we "had to" emergency shotgun. Then had another with lunch, since "hey, already broke the seal." But of course, this is bullshit - I didn't really want the first beer, but I drank it anyway. But accepting the second was good/bad thinking instead of pretty good/better thinking. I had one beer, which was bad, so the day is all bad, so I should have another, because that's also bad. Instead I should have thought "I only had one beer, which is pretty good. Better would be if I appreciated the beer, but turned down the second." Food for the day was kind of hard to calibrate - I felt like I ate too much at breakfast and lunch, but then was hungry again when dinner rolled around. I was suspicious that I shouldn't actually be this hungry - maybe I was dehydrated, or was feeling the effects of some lingering adrenaline response. But it felt like real hunger, so I swung by the grocery store and grabbed a couple of those premade Caesar salads they have in the deli. In retrospect, this was a psuedo-mistake. Of course, this is better than chomping down on an entire bin of fried chicken.... But one of their premade sandwiches or wraps is probably a better call. I felt fuller after eating them, but not exactly in a good way, like I do after eating salads I make at home. I'm guessing this is probably partly the parm, which I should have just thrown out due to its salt content so close to bedtime. However, I'm betting the larger part was the dressing, which probably had some funky shit in it, like sugar and emulsifiers to keep it shelf stable for long periods of time. Lesson learned.

Today, I'll start officially tracking eating skills practice via the logs laid out in the book. Then, something I've been delaying - I'll go through all the pics I'm planning to take (or at least a few), and try to note all the things I can about the shots to better reproduce them. This will set me up better in the future, as I'll need to do less on-the-fly planning and prepping, and will be able to focus more on shooting. Then, running a few errands, then will jump on my bike with my camera to head up to a ghost town I heard about in the foothills. Hoping it'll be mostly deserted so I can shoot pics without anxiety around being watched, while still having some urban-ish environments. However, as I've bitched about a few times here already, I know one of my biggest obstacles here is my apprehension around being judged by others while shooting myself - so I'm going to commit to shooting at least a few shots even if there are other people around. Maybe not as explicitly sexy, but just like, ok, I'm taking my own picture, and there's other people here. If they care, fuck 'em.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Mon Aug 16, 2021 6:55 pm

So yesterday, took the bike out to a place called Nevadaville to shoot some shots where I wouldn't be self-conscious. It was great. I still need to review the shots, and I have a feeling they could have been better, but this was definitely the most fun shoot I did. Took the bike up the twisties in golden gate canyon up to the Blackhawk - which would be a nice place if it hadn't gotten a casino addiction. Stopped by a tourist shop to grab a sandwich and charge my phone a bit before the shoot. In retrospect, I should have asked to sub the 1000 island for more sauerkraut on my reuben, to increase veggie intake and decrease calories. Then zoomed up to the ghost town. There were a few other tourists when I arrived, but they left soon after I showed up, and I poked around, looking at the old buildings. But what really caught my eye was the old mining site across the valley. So I hopped back on the bike and rode to the river crossing. A gate barred the way... But there were no keep out signs. No lock. Just a friendly reminder that the dam I was crossing on would be impassable in high water - unlikely with the shallow puddles in the stream I saw below. So I buzzed across and up a few old crumbling mining roads to reach the site.

This place was fucking cool! Old half collapsed structures with giant cogs and levers still attached. Mining cart tracks that end just hanging over a cliff. Big mountain vistas down canyon. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get the shot I wanted - a more skilled photographer might have figured out something better, but I just couldn't seem to get across the combination of mining equipment in the foreground, vista in the background, and self in good proportion to the whole shot. I was frustrated, but reminded myself of my standard for shooting - get the best shot you can get *today*. So I compromised, found a good spot for the camera and the pose, and got to work. Did my best with my hair - intermittent winds and the dry climate meant my hair would be a poofball without something holding it together. Water would mat it down too much on its own. But I improvised and used some of the sunscreen I brought as a kind of hair gel. It worked ok, but I should really look into some specialized styling product, as this seems to be a consistent issue.

This time I shot full manual instead of aperture priority. Lighting was weird, as the day was overcast and threatening rain, but still quite bright out, so I toyed with shutter speed and iso to brighten up the background, but that might have overexposed my ghostly-pale chest. I think I had the most trouble replicating the model's expression, and then positioning my body to seem natural while trying to flex my abs to show off what little definition I have. And more difficult than all of that, trying to do it all at the same time. Made another mistake, though, in that instead of black swim trunks like the model, I grabbed a pair of cutoff jorts I made for a 4th of July party. I thought it could be kind of funny, and might fit the mountain theme better, but it turns out jorts are just ugly. So I once again reminded myself that I'm a dumbass.

After snapping a few hundred pics it was getting to late afternoon. Still stoked about the location, and annoyed I couldn't convey how cool it was in my modeling shots, I ran around real quick and took some more shots of the landscape and architecture itself, bumping aperture up to 4, dropping iso, and increasing shutter speed. It was honestly a really cool spot, and I might return for future pics if they fit the scenario.

Got home just around dusk and walked in the door hoping to chill out with dinner and then take care of a few things before heading to bed. But, no rest for the wicked - one of my roommates immediately informed me that his bath/shower was broken. Apparently he'd just finished cleaning the tub and turned the water on, when the tub faucet shot off the pipe it was attached to. So we ran to the hardware store, got a new faucet and some plumbers tape, and had it fixed up in 5 minutes. But damn, fun to come home to after a day out in the hills.

After this, broke a few of my health guidelines. A couple of the roomies were downstairs watching a movie, so in the spirit of bolstering roommate camaradrie, I joined them while eating dinner. So, strike for a screen while eating, a screen just before bed, and staying up for a half hour past my bed time. I'll say it was worth it this time for the sake of having a happy rental, but will keep in mind in the future that this is unnecessary, and I would have enjoyed going to sleep earlier more.

Will parse through photos this weekend, maybe shoot the second dog shot. It is annoyingly physique dependent, and my abs like to hide behind my flab when I'm laying down, but just have to remember that I'm doing it to practice shots, and actually getting a shot where I look good would just be a happy byproduct.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Tue Aug 17, 2021 7:53 pm

No time to take care of pictures yesterday. Got my workout in, then ate dinner late. Got to bed around 1030. Also tried the blue light blocking glasses - holy shit! I was expecting a really mild effect, maybe something placebo-like. But 5 minutes after putting them on I could barely keep my eyes open! We'll see if the effect lasts or wears off, but at least initially it was quite striking.

More and more, work is kicking my ass. Should have known, since I was going through a pretty chill period before this when I wasn't super stressed by it all the time. Now, of course, everything is broken and late and over budget, and the pressure is on. But for the life of me, I just don't give a single flying fuck about the success of any of these projects, so I'm forcing myself to be in front of the computer, slowly chipping away at issues I'm not sure are even solvable, so I can justify to my managers that I'm making progress even though there may or may not be any such thing as progress. Keep having to bite my tongue to tell our clients that their biggest mistake was assuming that computers solve problems, rather than multiplying them. Just counted today - 137 days until I can start offering on houses again. Plenty of time to get fired, so I actually need to get shit done - but God it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is why I'm currently eating the non-diet diet. I've done this so many times, trying to lose some weight, and I can meal prep and avoid eating at parties and all that for weeks or months. But then some shit like this comes around... And I just have constant flashes in my head - get some pizza, or some beer, or some whiskey, or look at porn, distract yourself on the internet. Or my favorite, any time you get in the car to run an errand or commute, just think about where the road goes, and how you don't have to turn around. You could just keep driving and driving and driving. Ignore their emails. Block their phone numbers. Just keep driving til the sun sets. Grab a cup of coffee at the gas station and keep driving. Keep driving. You can recline the seat and sleep in the Utah desert, don't even need a blanket at this time of year. Keep driving. Go to Phoenix or Nevada. Maybe Southern California. Keep driving. Fill up gas, smell the fumes as I drip a bit on the ground. Get another cup of coffee - the taste of styrofoam and unfiltered water and burned weak coffee grounds and crushed up caffeine pills and freedom that moves semis across the country every day and night. Keep driving, late into the night, listening to podcasts til I'm sick of them, then audiobooks til my brain will explode, then punk rock til I'm exhausted, then silence until the sun comes up and I'm so tired I'm damn near about to drive off the road as I fall asleep at the wheel. Pull off at some exit to a dirt road in the middle of no where, littered with fast food bags and beer bottles and coffee cups like mine to sleep in the driver's seat until 1130 when the sun gets too hot and I'm rolling over sweating. Then put it in gear and keep driving. On and on and on and on, never stop, and never have to talk to these fuckers again. Of course, they're nice fuckers. Just normal people, trying to do their best in the world, frustrated just like me with deadlines and life stress and software that never works like it should. Can't say it's their fault. Can't say it's my fault either. Can't say fault exists at all - just the random manifestations of trillions upon trillions of subatomic particle wave functions interfering with each other, creating self-aware, transient waves that call themselves "me" and have this thing called "angst", "frustration", "contradiction", and "fuck my life".

I should meditate. Chill the fuck out. But meditating doesn't solve my problems. Sitting down and solving my problems solves my problems. So I sit down to do it, but all I want to do is something else. So maybe I'll meditate - but I won't. I'll just think about how I'm sitting doing nothing instead of solving the problem. 137 days. Just gotta endure the pain. Just gotta keep chipping away. It'll pass. It always did before. 6 years of this shit, I can hang on for 5 more months. Then I'm gonna buy this fucking laptop off my company, have a nice bonfire, and send it to Valhalla. Invite some friends over. Get drunk. Feast. Give a good funeral to this fucking cancer of a time in my life that I'll finally be free of. Fuck.

Not really an update I guess. Just bitchin' 'n' moanin'.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Thu Aug 19, 2021 4:11 am

Friends came over last night, so I had a bit of a miss on food and sleep. Drank 4 beers, but held back on the 5th. Ate too much, but mostly healthy - grilled meat and salad my friends brought over. Then stayed up a bit past 10. So not great, but the socializing was good for blowing off steam after a shit day at work.

Work was so busy today, no time to post til now. Luckily, even with a bit less sleep, I seem a bit more rested than I'd expect today, and was actually able to get some work done and make my managers a bit happier.

Still following the sleep school app. Today did a 10 minute session of "meditation" where you went back through the day and thought of things you were grateful for. Seemed kinda hokey, and I was mostly grateful to be doing it laying in a hammock in the sun, but I think I derived some benefit.

Now, finally sorting through the pics I took over the weekend. I got some that are decent, but they all look kinda posed. I should have paid more attention to the model's facial expression, too, which I failed to emulate. Like I noted above, the light wasn't cooperating, so my already pale torso appears even more washed out than usual, but adding some filters makes me look halfway decent.

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders ... p=sharing

Tomorrow, will try to hang blackout curtains. They've been cluttering up my windowsill for too long now.
Last edited by Svadhishthana on Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Thu Aug 19, 2021 11:22 pm

Did more of the Sleep School app this morning, and am reading the book during meals. The whole thing is based on Acceptance Commitment Therapy, and the book makes a point of expounding upon this therapy's "revolutionary" nature with some regularity. Funny, since as far as I can tell, it appears to simply be a mishmash of Eastern religion wrapped up in a scientific box, even to the point of using the same metaphors and vocabulary in some places. A bit like Columbus "discovering" the new world in my view. And I wonder why they don't just say "have you considered picking up Buddhism?" But then, I suppose this is a bit of a roundabout way of getting there. Braindead Brian and Workaholic Wendy probably would be dismissive of recommendations of Eastern philosophy to solve their sleeping issues - but wrap it up in "science", call it "revolutionary", and promise to solve their problems in 5 weeks or less, and you've got your foot in the door.

Went to sleep about a half hour late last night. Tried something new with my brain. The book makes a big deal over how being all angsty about how you aren't sleeping makes it harder to sleep, and that you should just accept thoughts as they come into your mind. But personally, worry about not sleeping isn't typically at the forefront of my mind when I can't sleep. Instead, it's EVERYTHING ELSE. What are the physics of an ollie or a trebuchet? Cancelling student debt - positive or negative for the worldwide, long term utility function? Why dogs bark: a comprehensive analysis. So last night, I did a sort of psuedo-meditation. I didn't focus on my breath like I would for purposeful meditation, but instead just laid down to sleep. But this time, instead of thinking about how it is time to sleep, I thought instead about how it is time to rest and relax. So I would catch myself thinking, and instead of thinking "ok, let's stop that and go to sleep", I would think "ok, let's relax instead", and I would try to relax my brain, consciously letting go of the thought, and often noticing a simultaneous relaxation of the muscles in my face. After about 3 rounds of this, I was asleep.

Both the fat loss book I recently finished and the sleep book I'm currently reading are based on ACT psychology. This is all about stopping, considering, and making decisions. About observing and accepting the world. Thus seems like the natural response to the more mechanistic self improvement / self help books I read several years ago, which loved to tout the marshmallow experiment, proposing that since your willpower was limited you should focus on removing temptation from your environment and building habits so you never have to make a hard decision. However, the two genres don't seem particularly combative - instead, the ACT genre seems like an outgrowth of the habit genre. People realized that eventually, systems and habits and plans break down and blow up, and you'll be forced to actually make a decision, which may very well be the foundation of a new habit.

I'm waiting for the next round. If it's possible. Using the food example - perhaps you might be the pariah, fasting through your friend's birthday party, or ordering your tacos in a lettuce wrap. Of course, few people do this for too long... Or perhaps you'll be thoughtful and flexible, knowing it's ok to have a slice of pizza every now and then, depending on the situation... But when life gets stressful, the occasional situation becomes situation after situation after situation after situation. Rules are inflexible and brittle. Flexibility bends at the slightest breeze. How to overcome the conundrum? The answer seems obvious to me - community. Being part of a group that supports your values and goals. But the tricky part is how...? The things I've read pay it lip service constantly - but rarely do they get into the details. My theory is that the authors know it's importance and have it themselves, but are just as mystified as anyone else on how it happens. If you are someone without a supportive community, how do you make it? How would you find it? And how do you explain these things to a person who has never had it? Perhaps this knowledge is beyond the ability of the written word to truly convey. But then, what isn't?

Workout today, then hanging up curtains.

Made plans to go climbing this weekend again. I don't know of this is a good thing. On one hand, it's good for socializing, exercising, getting outside, and all that. But on the other hand, I said to myself I was going to be using my free time to practice photos. I'm not *really* trying here - but I was saying it was what I *should* do in my free time to move towards my goals. More time socializing, which keeps me sane, or more time working on my goals? The obvious answer is that I'm having issues in the first place because I am incongruous between these two aspects of my life. Were I less neurotic about expressing to anyone at all my desires and anxieties around sex, I'd be able to, say, ask people to snap pictures of me while we're out and about. Or perhaps even organize something where the goal is sex-adjacent, like shooting photos or hitting on girls. But it sticks like peanut butter in the back of my throat that I can't cough out.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Sat Aug 21, 2021 8:29 am

Slammed by work today again. Then, a friend had a going away party. So I missed my workout. Will try to make it up tomorrow morning.

As I parked my car on the street to head to my friends apartment, a girl slowed down in her car and told me I was looking good. Wtf? It took a couple moments to register, so I was confused and couldn't thank her. One of my female friends at party also complimented my appearance. Said I looked good since I was put together for once, like I was gay. I'll take it as a compliment. Gay guys know the importance of looking good.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
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