Svadhishthana's log

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Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Thu Jul 29, 2021 5:05 pm

@MakingAComeback Damn you, my brain!

Accidentally invited some friends over Monday night to test my fire pit. Probably ate too many chips and brats, but I didn't pig out like I normally do (remnants of a childhood spent stress-eating). Also, pretty happy I didn't drink even though my friends did, since I think sobriety and sleep are the big keys to losing weight right now.

Speaking of which, looked in the mirror this morning - my obliques are starting to come out, and my abs are getting a bit more defined. Kind of strange, because my scale weight hasn't really dropped that much (~189), and I'd really only expect this kind of definition sub 180. I assume this means all the core work in the gym is paying off.

Tuesday, rented a power washer and stripped most of the paint from my deck. Yesterday started using a power sander to take off the rest, but it definitely would have taken days, so I looked into other options. Got an attachment for the angle grinder that I tested this morning - should tear it up in a fraction of the time!

All the manual labor has given me a lot of time without much to do with my brain, so I've been listening to Andy's podcast. Very helpful. Articles are great, of course, but they are, by necessity, straightforward and theoretical. A clear and straightforward instruction to "do this". But I have (stole) a theory that this sort of instruction hits diminishing returns *very* quickly. Theory, simple steps, understanding the basics of how things work, is only 10% of the learning process, while 90% is learning from experience. Giving examples, stories, and actually getting out and doing it. James C Scott talks about this in his book (which I LOVE) "Seeing Like a State", and calls it "Metis" - practical knowledge which can only be gained through exposure. Which the podcast provides. It's one thing to read some text that says "it's ok to tell a girl she's hot". It's another to hear a person, who actually has a personality and a voice, tell stories and go on rants and ramble aimlessly about how it's fine. It fires up the mirror neurons or some shit.

One thing that really stood out (I assume this is a constant refrain, but it was the first time I heard it) was something like "If you're into getting laid, you're weird. Get used to it." Really took a burden off my shoulders. I'm already weird. I've always been weird. There were times in my life when I tried being normal, and I noticed life got... easier? But I couldn't sustain it. It felt absolutely, completely, wrong and gross. Taking whatever pill society feeds you. Changing with the seasons and overwriting your old beliefs with whatever is popular at the time. "Please like me, society! I'll do anything you want to make you happy, society! Do you want me to suck your dick? I'll suck you're dick if you tell me I'm good, society!" Fuck that. Being normal is what my parents did - get married, have 2 kids, become workaholics with no friends, get fat sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food. Be exhausted and unhappy, raise exhausted and unhappy kids. Fuck that. I'd rather be weird. I'd rather take my licks and see if there's something better. Yeah, I can be weird. It's the only way I know how to be.



Have been swiping every day. Doesn't take that long, so might as well do it. Girls on tinder are hot af, and I wonder if they boost the level of the girls they show you when you pay for it as a nudge to keep you paying. I had an account on Bumble a few years ago, and when I reactivated I got *tons* of fat girls. But today, the ratio of attractive to unattractive seems to have shifted for the better. I assume the new pics I put up had some effect here - which just goes to show how bad my old pics were, because my current pics are still absolute trash. Hinge remains the most difficult, though I at least got out of my head and started sending some messages. I assume because of the app's dynamics (message any girl you want), the app is forced to be more honest about your attractiveness in the girls it shows you. Hot girls are gonna get spammed by 10k messages per day, so they need to bring down the number of ugly guys sending them messages, and hopefully boost the messages sent to ugly girls. So I'm Xing 10 fat girls for every attractive girl who comes up in my stack because my pictures are shit. Andy was right - Hinge is the best app for measuring your progress. Only problem here is that with unlimited likes on Tinder, I'm finding the pull to get addicted. I try to remind myself that swiping for 5 minutes per day is more than enough - just let the app know you're still there - and real progress will come from better pics, which I'm procrastinating on.

I also notice that I have to occasionally stop myself from compromising on my likes. Like, I'll see a girl who is chubby but has a cute face, or who is very unattractive but is the first non-fat girl I've seen in a while, and I have to stop myself from swiping on her even though she doesn't pass the boner test.

Another thing I noticed is I'll see a cute girl who I _would_ like to fuck, but who also shares a lot of interests with me and seems like someone I'd get along with, and my brain immediately jumps to thinking about getting in a LTR with her. Nothing wrong with LTRs, but I know it's my brain compromising on my desires - I feel like sex is scarce, so my brain wants me to try to get reliable sex in a LTR, even though what I really want is to have reliable sex without a LTR. I absolutely _must_ keep an eye on this moving forward. I need to be able to interact with cool girls without acting like boyfriend material, and I must not turn chickenshit and agree to a committed relationship when what I really want is to go out and fuck a bunch of women. It would be both giving up on my dreams, and incredibly unfair to the girl.

Big project today is finishing stripping the deck of paint, then working out. I figure I'll have that done if I do a committed push this weekend. Have a guy from the utility company coming over Saturday to give me a quote on solar, but I assume it'd be a raw deal since I wouldn't actually own the panels. But I figure I might as well get the quote before ringing up the diy solar company to compare.

Meanwhile, when I have a break from house work and getting fit, I'll squeeze in working on my pics. I'm gonna use Andy's photo inspiration article as a guide, rotating through the categories and trying my best to replicate each shot. The biggest hurdle here is I have a shit ton of anxiety around using the camera in public, *especially* taking pictures of myself, posing in public, etc. Or having people I know see me do it. Funny, because I really don't have a problem being weird in public in other ways. I'm often the first person to take my shirt off when it's hot out, I'll ask weird questions to waiters and bartenders... But taking pictures in public just gives me the heebie geebies - I'm afraid people will see me as self absorbed or something. Or that they'll know I'm trying to get shots for a dating profile. Which is dumb, because I know that all this is both unlikely and irrelevant, but it still gives me a lot of hesitation.

Anyway, once house work is done, I'm going to shift my focus to trying to replicate one photo from the article per day (assuming getting fit is taken care of, which should not be that time consuming). It would be nice if this actually got me some good profile shots, but I'm more looking at it as an exercise to practice posing and getting good shots with the camera, and probably touching up in Photoshop.
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Thu Jul 29, 2021 5:41 pm

Also, a friend is throwing a dance party for his 32nd tomorrow. I think this'll be the first real social event I'll be going to where I don't already know the majority of people since.... Fuck, before even covid. More interesting, it seems like there might even be slightly more girls than guys. Given, it's the birthday boy's 32nd, so most of the women will also be around that age and are probably paired up, but I figure it'll at least be good for oiling my rusty jaw.

Biggest pitfall could be eating and drinking too much. I tend to totally fall of the weight loss wagon at social events. Partly because they give me an excuse. But partly because eating or drinking is something to do while socializing when I don't really have anything to say. I'm also one of those people who can't nurse a beverage - if it's in my hand, I'm drinking it until it's gone. And when it's gone, I feel awkward without something in my hand, or something I can occupy myself with by drinking, so I get another. I can easily down a craft 6 pack, then a couple mixed drinks or glasses of wine, then a few domestics at the end of the night to "hydrate", and these are for old-people events that go from, like, 8 to 11.

I'll try implementing three strategies to counteract these bad habits.

First (difficult), I'll just try to talk more and be more engaged in conversations. Things can't go in my mouth when there's things coming out.

Second, I'll try to avoid sitting down. I can't count the number of times I'll sit down at a social event, mindlessly eat and drink and talk for an hour, and then stand up and be like "holy shit, I'm *wasted*." Standing up means I have to make an effort to go get food to eat, and let's me keep a better tab on my intoxication levels as my ability to balance fluctuates.

Third, old trick I used in college (it worked so well I stopped doing it) - every time I down a beverage, refill the container with water before getting something else. Decreases alcohol consumption, increases water consumption, decreases food consumption (because your belly is full of water), and significantly reduces hangovers. Plus, you get to call yourself a good planeteer for washing out your empties before your recycle.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
MakingAComeback
Posts: 4130 | Thanks: 4864
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2021 1:17 pm
Goal: 3k Per Month Post Tax
Age: 32
Motto: POSITIVE SELF TALK

Thu Jul 29, 2021 7:36 pm

Brilliant post. Haha, I enjoy the work of James C Scott - seeing like a state is one hell of a book! All your self development here is solid my friend, just keep hammering, the brain changes over time. We will both make it ;)

MAC
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ironwilltribe
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Fri Jul 30, 2021 3:44 am

You know, getting laid is interesting, but what I'm really into is the flaws of high modernist urban planning and the invention of standardized units of measure., lol!

Thoughts from sanding a deck: if you have friends you go out with to hit on girls, those are your girl-friends.

Finished sanding. Might be able putting down some primer tomorrow - need to check the weather. Missed my workout, but can make it up tomorrow, nbd.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Sun Aug 01, 2021 5:54 am

Update:
Party went ok. Small house party with late 20s / 30s. Lots of dogs and some kids hanging around earlier, so not exactly a rager. But there was one cute girl met there who was new to town who I should follow up with. Got some good practice in meeting new people in - something I've gotten kinda rusty at. And actually danced for the first time since idk when.

One of my long time female friends was in town for the week. She helped me dress for the party and we carpooled, with the assumption that she'd crash at my place. At the party, she got hammered and got kinda flirty with me. Driving back to my place at the end of the night, still wasted, she basically spilled her guts on her dating history. She hadn't dated much, only been with 2 guys, and is nearing her mid-20s. She's getting nervous about her prospects, which is probably exacerbated by the fact that she just finished a 6 month medical residency in a bumfuck town where the dating market was zilch. All this time I'm kinda wondering if she wants me to make a move - and yeah, I know this is a question that can't be answered without just nutting up and asking. But I myself am conflicted here, since she's at the bottom edge of my attractiveness threshold, and we've known each other long enough that she gives me sister vibes, and one of her ex's is a friend now. So rationally, I know this is a terrible idea, but one part of my brain is like "yeah... But she's flirting with you...". And then there's an entirely different part of my brain that recognizes that, while she's not super hot, she is adorable as fuck, and smart, and funny, and clearly struggles with depression and anxiety, so I just wanna wrap her up in a big hug and tell her everything's gonna work out and she can rely on me if she needs anything. Looking back, I wish I'd taken the opportunity to open up a bit about my own issues dating. It would be really nice to have someone on my side. Or even to just talk about it to another human being. She probably wouldn't even have remembered with how drunk she was. But I didn't even think about it - that shit's so buried, it ain't coming out without a crowbar, lol!

As far as diet went, the party was so-so. The host is an excellent cook, and I'm a pig, so I overate a tad, but not grossly so. I probably only drank the equivalent of 8 beers or so, so that's not bad. And I also drank plenty of water, so the worst of the hangover this morning was mitigated.

However, hungover I was. Since my friend crashed my couch and we were both hungover, we basically just hung out, did some chores, worked out, and played some board games with one of my roommates. Bit of a lazy day, but considering my lazy day was grocery shopping, working out, and spending quality time with a good friend, I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.

Will have to wait til Wednesday to paint the deck due to rain. Solar guy came over today and gave me a quote. Decent price, but I can go way, way lower by putting in elbow grease. Tomorrow, will try to get a quote from the diy place.

Which leaves me... Almost nothing to do for the house. So, time to take some pictures.

Have been reading through YCATL. I'm finding it to be something of a slog. I know Andy highly recommends it, which is why I'm reading it, but honestly I'm on an upswing in my life right now, so I'm not desperately grasping for some semblance of hope and sanity. Maybe going insane would improve my reading experience. I appreciate it as a catalogue of various techniques for dealing with difficult problems, and I think it does this well. But it lacks a certain hanging-together-ness which annoys me. Like a bicycle wheel with the center removed - just a rim and spokes kind of hanging around haphazardly. Trying to just grind through it - I have diet and photography books that I'm more excited to read, but am committed to finishing this one before I start those.

Ok, so to do tomorrow:
Follow up w/ girl from party
Get solar info
Clean up deck (noticed a few scraps that still need a brush)
Meal prep for the week
Take a pic
Read ycatl
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Mon Aug 02, 2021 4:23 am

Update:
Followed up with girl from party. Made me queazy. Couldn't help but think - "Fuck, she knows people I know. Fuck, this could get back to me." Had to remind myself that THIS IS FUCKING NORMAL. Single people in their 20s and 30s meet at parties and ask each other out you dumbass. She said she's not dating at the moment, and was nice about it. A very normal, not weird, socially acceptable interaction.

Got a quote from the DIY Solar company - their total cost for the system is 10 grand, versus almost 30 grand for the guy who came by Saturday. Once again confirms my hypothesis that the most valuable thing in the world is other people's time.

Meal prep done, though I burned my bacon a bit. Womp womp.

Cleaned up the deck, then checked the weather and saw the forecast had changed and I could actually start painting, so laid down a coat of primer real quick. Need to get the actual paint from the paint store still, so will ring them in the morning to see if they have the paint I need - apparently covid caused a bucket shortage. Not paint, just paint buckets...

Was at the thrift store looking for clothes to shoot my pic in when I got a text from my ex. We're still good friends, and she was having a pretty major bout of depression and asked if she could come over and hang. So she came over for a couple hours and we talked about her life. So unfortunately, pic has been put off. Should be able to get to it tomorrow after work, though.

Read a fair bit of ycatl during breaks today. Nothing groundbreaking, but grinding it out.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Tue Aug 03, 2021 5:16 am

Update:
Paint obtained, but the forecast shifted again so Thursday is now paint day.

Work was stressful today, so took my bike out to get some more clothes for photos and refocus my mind. When I'm on my bike, my brain just clicks into place - I know I have to be in the moment, aware of everything around me, ready for when the sleep-deprived soccer mom tries to merge straight into me going 55. Fault? Nobody's fault. Fault doesn't exist. Just the possibility of me making friends with the possum from last week. It's nice.

I actually find it curious dangerous hobbies aren't discussed more on these sorts of forums - they take the edge off, are great for social bonding, and put our more mundane fears (like talking to women) in perspective. I actually wonder if they might be particularly useful for those on the edge of suicide... Blowing your brains out is one thing, but danger in real life seems like another. In a real dangerous situation - at least for me - my lizard brain comes out, the adrenaline pumps, and I focus and grit and scrap and finesse whatever I have to to stay alive. There's that voice screaming in your head "YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE UNLESS YOU FIGHT RIGHT NOW" - and in that moment you realize exactly how much you want to live. And once the danger is passed I'm filled with an incredible sense of lightness and joy. Of course, I also realized a while back that I would literally rather put my life at risk than talk to women, so there's also a good chance that there's nothing to this theory.

Anyway, did my first photoshoot today. Or, I tried. No pics worth even showing. But, valuable lessons learned about planning and logistics.

The big issue was that I didn't give myself enough time to do the shoot. Working late, then hitting the thrift store, then getting things together, I didn't start shooting until it was starting to get dark. So I scrambled to get a few shots in, but no luck. Lessons learned for next time:

1) Schedule your shoot start time with an eye towards lighting conditions. Have an actual time to start instead of just "after work".

2) Get everything together and ready to go before the shoot. Make a checklist for shooting, and a checklist of things needed for the shot.

3) Figure out how to do multiple shots on a timer (realized I hadn't figured this out yet)

Shooting Checklist:
1 day before or earlier:
- Identify location
- Obtain clothes, props, etc.
- Charge camera battery
- Extra batteries (AAA) for camera remote
- Clear SD card
- Pack everything possible
- Schedule exact time and place for shoot

Just before shoot
- Double check everything packed
-- Camera
-- tripod
-- camera batteries ( not left on charger)
-- SD Card (not still in computer)
-- clothes, etc
- Leave time for grooming beforehand, especially if doing something earlier in the day
- Account for commute time

The attempt today was 'Casual 1'. Hopefully one of the harder ones to shoot myself, since I need to catch myself walking.

Rotating through the sets, the next one is 'Sports 1' - climbing wall shot. Honestly, I'm a bit offended that this was the best climbing shot Andy could find, because the double T-Rex arms is *so* not sexy in my opinion. Anyway, I'm hoping this will be an easier shot to get. Location is straightforward - my garage. Outfit is simple, and the shot is static. If I have time, might tool around with some other poses, just because the prescribed one is so gross.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Wed Aug 04, 2021 5:19 am

Update:
Second shoot was far more successful than the first, but still some lessons learned. I was definitely set up well for this one (Sports 1 - climbing wall), since all I had to do was wander into my garage with my camera. Plus since I was working on my own wall instead of in a commercial gym, I could move holds around to get the pose right. Unfortunately, my garage isn't that large, so I couldn't get as wide of an angle as the original shot, but was still able to get my whole body in the shot without completely filling the frame.

I did about half the shots with light from the right (natural light from the open garage door), which were mostly for practice to get the camera settings and pose right. Then I closed the door and added light on the left to be more true to the original, hence the slightly different look.

One frustration was that it was difficult to get my face in focus. Reviewing the shots and zooming in, it looks like it's actually just about as in-focus as everything else, and it's just the contrast of other parts of the shot (like my left hand or the yellow and black streaked hold) that make it look out of focus. And comparing to the original shot I'm replicating, the model's face also isn't particularly in-focus. But it's just bothering me.

Another was that just before the shoot, I realized my whole upper back was peeling from the sunburn I got laying pavers. I managed to exfoliate most of the dead skin off with a pot scrubber I borrowed from the kitchen - ha! Then a quick rub down with some lotion to hide the ashy and I was good to go. For a second I thought about saying "fuck it, I'm doing this to practice shots, not to actually make real photos" before I corrected myself - "What I'm practicing is taking *good* photos, which involves solving problems exactly like this when they occur. Solving this problem is *part of* the practice!"

The biggest lesson, in retrospect, was that I wasn't having enough fun. There was a lot of learning going on - working around issues with the environment, lighting, feeling self conscious, getting the focus right. So, I was pretty all-business the whole time. But I had some successes, a few silly mishaps, and in the end it turned out fine and I had plenty of time. So some more living in the moment is needed for a more successful shoot in the future.

Afterwards, I sorted through the pics, pulled out those that weren't total trash, and put them through some filters. Nothing fancy - just Windows photo editor - but I think this got them closer to the original. Planning on learning photoshop, but... one thing at a time.

Pics, if anyone has any feedback on getting better shots, or how to better edit:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/ ... sp=sharing

Otherwise, will just keep hammering.

After shooting, started reviewing what I'd need to do for the next shot - (hobbies 1 - guitar). Went to TJ Maxx to see if they had anything. Jesus. First time I've been in that kind of clothes shop in years, I think.... there's no homeless people.... it made me uncomfortable. Like, I wish they'd brought in at least one homeless person, just for the ambiance - without them, the whole place feels gross and sterile. So I felt on edge the whole time, paced around for a bit, and left without buying anything.

Interrupted writing this post to drive across town tonight to buy a guitar as a prop for the next shot. And also, just because I kinda wanted a guitar anyway and this gave me an excuse. But realized when I got back that it was a bit of a mistake, since now it's past 11, and I should be prioritizing sleep and health above practice shots. Oh well. Now I have a guitar.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
MakingAComeback
Posts: 4130 | Thanks: 4864
Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2021 1:17 pm
Goal: 3k Per Month Post Tax
Age: 32
Motto: POSITIVE SELF TALK

Wed Aug 04, 2021 5:35 am

Excellent work all round, it's coming together.

MAC
-Your friend, Ravi

Consistent Performance Coach, Admin of WinnerWithin, and Seeker of Human Potential

My FB Group for Consistent Performance & Goal Achievement
https://www.facebook.com/groups/ironwilltribe
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Thu Aug 05, 2021 4:04 am

Update:
Forecast changed again to be sunny til Friday, so my priorities shifted and I spent the afternoon painting my deck. After a few touchups tomorrow, that will be done. Solar will take a bit more time to get going, and is thus on the back burner. I have a new tenant moving in late Sunday, so Sunday will be spent mostly cleaning up the place for her arrival.

Of course, there are a million things I could do on the house, but this is a good stopping point. Time to shift focus.

Next goal on my list is fitness. Here, I am really not in a bad place. I'm training regularly, eating a pretty good diet, and am not totally trashing my body (no more daily beers is working well...). However, I've gained about 15-20 lbs since the start of covid which I'd like to take off. Weighed myself just now (granted, late in the day, so full of food), and I'm at 195, whereas I hovered around 175 for most of my 20's. I think I've put on a bit of muscle recently, so I'm hoping I'll look pretty defined at 175.

However, after some consideration, I think I'll make this a sort of maintenance item. I'll try without trying that hard. Strategy being - I will try very hard to be *consistent* with _reasonable_ action. I already have food prep planned out, and training is all ready to go. Currently have a rule I'm thinking of implementing - I can drink once per week, up to 3 drinks. And the crux - sleep. I will wind down (no screens or stimulating activity starting at 930, in bed at 10). Then, I will weigh myself daily and adjust food intake as needed to keep coming down in weight.

All this should leave me with a decent amount of free time left in my day, which I can use to improve my photography skill.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:27 am

Wrote the post last night in a kind of wonky state. I knew, finishing up the deck, it would be time to refocus on other things, but for some reason this threw me a bit.

The reality is that I don't really want to stop doing this stuff. While I don't think I would exactly call working on a house "fun", it has its appeal. There's learning new skills and figuring things out, asking your friends for help and meeting people from all walks of life through the used market. You have complete freedom, which includes the freedom to fail. Physical labor and being in the elements releases endorphins and stabilizes mood. Nothing ever goes to plan - it always takes more time and effort and money and heartache than you expected. But you *know* that if you just keep hammering, you'll get there, and then you can stand back and look at a real, physical object and say "I did that". This is probably why, for the past several months, I've been able to wrap up working my 9-5 - 8 hours of grinding, exhausting staring at a computer screen where I barely get anything done anyway - and jump right into my "second" job of hauling lumber or running electrical wire or rolling around in the dirt with renewed vigor. Also, a note to my past self - start working for yourself sooner. You make more money, you'll be happier, the hours are more flexible, and you'll work harder and get more results from that hard work, because profit incentive is one of the most powerful forces known to man.

But I *know* this has to end. My justification for prioritizing these tasks is that it would free up time and mental energy for getting laid - and that's true. But now I need to resist the temptation to keep doing this forever, and instead reevaluate my goals and figure out exactly what I should be doing next.

Goal number one is financial freedom. Fuck the nine to five. If my job was a person, I'd kick it in the teeth. So to wrap this up, I need to:
1) Stay employed, which allows me to qualify for a loan on a second house when the new year comes around.
2) Take care of my current house - fixing whatever, improving marketing shots, filling rooms when they empty, etc.
3) Get a second house in the mountains to Airbnb - call my lender, make offers, close, fix it up, decorate it, list it, make that goddamned money


Goal number two is health and fitness. This is what really tripped me up, because I was like "ok, so I need to get shredded, so I can get laid, right?" And I immediately started thinking of how to structure my macros. But no, that's not what this goal is about - in fact this goal is explicitly *not* about getting laid. That's the next goal. This goal is about being fit to build a foundation of health and athleticism for the rest of my life. It has a nice side effect of making me hotter, but that is not the focus. The reality is that my body is not great, but it is good enough to get laid, and my biggest gaps in getting laid are bad photos and mental blocks, so taking on a mentally challenging dieting regiment is not the shortest path to my goals. I'm just enticed by it because I know I'm good at it. I'm good at planning macros, and shopping in bulk, and food prep. I get a sick satisfaction from feeling the emptiness in my belly and the gauntness in my face. And the one time I did keto, I had no sides in the transition period, which is funny because in the podcast Andy did about keto he said he's never met someone who didn't have sides. So knowing this temptation, I will avoid it and focus instead on the following things:
- Lifting. This should be easy, since I enjoy it. Only issues I run into are sometimes being really tired and low energy from not sleeping enough, or simply running out of time in the day. Currently I'm lifting 4 days per week, once with my coach, which gives me some flexibility to recover more after tough workouts and have "life" happen.
- Diet. The goal here is not (*not* - you hear that, me?) to lose weight, but instead to simply eat a healthy, sustainable diet and develop good habits around food. Currently reading the book Lean and Strong by Josh Hillis, which I expect to have some good insights. Current habits/systems I'm trying to ingrain:
-- Shop and meal prep at the same time every week, so I always have good food available to eat at home.
-- Sit down to eat. This means having regular times to eat every day, and when it is time to eat, doing nothing but eating - not reading a book, listening to a podcast, or running an errand. Just focusing on the meal. I've found it turns the meal into something of a destress period in the day, where I can relax a bit and refocus on what I need to do.
-- Chew your food, ie, fletcherizing. If you look up fletcherizing, you'll find it was a theory this Fletcher guy had that chewing your food until it is liquid will help digestion, which would lead to Health. Of course, that's probably bullshit - but what it does do is force you to slow down when you are eating. You can actually taste the food and appreciate it, and the additional time it takes to eat leads to more satiation throughout the day. As a lifelong food vacuum, this is something I need to work on.
- Sleep. My biggest lifelong weakness. Aim is to be in bed by 10 each night. Additionally, start a winding down / evening routine around 9. I've noticed that there are a number of things that can impact my ability to go to sleep once I'm in bed. One is eating a lot too close to bed time, especially carb and salt heavy foods. However, the biggest, most persistent issue I have is that I will lie in bed for hours just thinking - my life, my goals, great theories on how the world works and the meaning of it all, anything and everything! But I found that this can be significantly reduced by winding down at the end of the day - intentionally doing something that is *not* productive or exciting - to signal to my brain that the day is over and it is time to relax and rest, and everything else can wait until tomorrow. Will also experiment supplementing with melatonin.
- Alcohol. Not a huge issue, but it definitely impacts my weight. Will limit myself to drinking one night per week, maximum 3 drinks.

Presumably, this should leave me with a good amount of free time and mental capacity to take on getting good at taking photos. So schedule should look something like -
Wind down, take melatonin@9
Sleep@10
Wake naturally
Coffee/breakfast
Log (incl. retrospective on sleep)
Brush teeth, etc
Chores as needed or shooting
Work/shooting (weekends)
Work out @5
Shower
Dinner
Chores/shooting (food prep Monday)

I started the day at the end of the day because sleeping is the priority. Everything else is good and nice, and I *should* do it. But for 3 weeks (hopefully long enough to form a habit), I will do everything I can to sleep well.



Roommate left his dog home today, so I took advantage of the opportunity to get the first dog shot, instead of the guitar shot. Lessons learned:

Getting a shot with two subjects is exponentially harder than getting a shot with one. Especially when one doesn't know they're in a photoshoot.

Bring dog treats and water. Set up the shot and practice the pose *before* bringing the dog in. A more cooperative dog would have been ideal - Lulu is a sweet heart, but also hardheaded and obstinate.

Practice the pose and facial expression beforehand a lot. Even in the best shots my face makes me look like a dumbass, and my posture is making me look extra flabby. I can blame some of this on having to wrangle a dog, but honestly I just wasn't paying attention. Also, that model has better hair than me. I need to work on my hair.

A lot of my shots came out with my face in focus, and the plants behind me in focus, but with Lulu out of focus. I think the camera sets the focal plane to start at what it's focal point is aimed at, and then the plane extends back a little bit. So in this case, it might have been better to focus on the dog, and let my face get captured just behind.

Take closer note of the angle of the shot you're replicating - this one was actually taken from lower, with the model leaning over the camera.

This was an unexpected opportunity, and it felt scrambly to put in contacts just before shooting. Get that shit done early in the morning, every morning, so it isn't something to worry about.

Missed the necklace. More on that below.

Shots:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders ... p=sharing

So for both this shot and the guitar shot I was planning on doing, the model is wearing a necklace. I own no necklaces. So I said, ok, I'll go buy some, and was then stopped dead in my tracks with an "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh..... I dunno if I wanna wear a necklace..." This was an emotional response to a seemingly innocuous thing, so I'd like to ask myself why.

And the most obvious and straightforward answer that comes to mind is that necklaces are extraneous. I identify as someone who gets things done, and who makes rational choices. Necklaces cost money, and are nothing but decoration, and are therefore a waste, so why would I own one? But then, I am confronted with the counterargument - your goal is to get laid, ornamentation helps you get laid, so therefore it is practical, and you should own some. But then I think "gee willikers, but then people might *know* that I want to get laid!"

But sure, suppose I go to buy a necklace. What to get. Now there is real analysis paralysis - gold? Expensive and gaudy. A simple chain? I'd look like a guido. A pendant? What pendant? What does it say about me? What does it represent? Are people going to ask about it? If it means nothing I'll look vapid. If it means something I don't know, I'll look like a posuer. Ugh, I give up, I'll wait another day.

It's funny, I didn't know I cared so much about something I didn't care about.
Last edited by Svadhishthana on Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Fri Aug 06, 2021 2:15 pm

Ok, first update with the new schedule. As I'm a jackass, I made my last post about how I'm committed to going to sleep before ten, after ten, so I'm off to an excellent start. Also, as predicted, since I spent the last 2 hours before I went to sleep staring at a screen and thinking about *all the things* I need to do in my life, once I decided to go to sleep, I kept thinking about ALL THE THINGS. So, slept ok, not great, for the Nth night in a row. Tonight I'll try to get that back on track just by keeping an eye on the time and getting into bed earlier. Actually, getting into bed later, instead of fucking around on my phone in my bed and ruining my sleep hygiene. Fortunately, my DOALLTHETHINGS brain went ahead and ordered melatonin last night, so that's off the todo list. However, in addition to being the first night I'm recommitting to actually sleeping, tonight will be especially difficult because I'm hosting a get-together at my place for my friend who is coming in from out of town and crashing my couch. Strategy is to tell people I'm practicing being lame again, and they can stick around as long as they want, but I will be going to sleep early.

So I mostly finished house stuff. Will touch up the deck this morning, then I'll be done..... except that my friend sent me a FB Marketplace post this morning for an absolutely sick camper van build that I could totally possibly plop in my back yard and rent out as an AirBnb. The outside is a bit rough, but could be fixed up real quick with a hippy paint job, and the inside is absolutely beautiful - totally custom natural stained wood, with full kitchen, 3/4 bath, and integrated gas heat. And I'm like, holy shit dude, all the Texas yuppies would love to stay in a super-quaint log cabin style campervan on their Denver business trip - it's *so* Colorado! So now I'm researching Airbnb laws in my county, and seeing what the ROI would be, and pinging my real estate friends to see if this will blow up in my face, and GODDAMMIT I WAS SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE.

Anyway, yeah, so my roommate left his dog home again, so will try to sneak in a Dog Pic 2 today during work. Then a friend is coming over to work out before our get together, then hang with friends (without drinking), then go to sleep on time, then tomorrow possibly check out this camper van, then I have a wedding to attend in the afternooon (which is what I'm saving my weekly drinking for). Sunday I have a new tenant moving in, so clean up the house for her and all that, then go out for some drinks to welcome her to the place (which will constitute my drinking for next week).
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Sat Aug 07, 2021 4:38 pm

Ok, absolutely failed to get to sleep on time last night. Basically just caved to peer pressure and hung out with friends a but later. Honestly not a bad choice, a couple of my friends I hadn't seen in months, so spending time with them was good. Life happens, I suppose, and making lifelong changes needs to account for life. But today will be better.

Also, no pics yesterday because work kicked my ass. Today is pretty open, though, so I should be able to get at least two shots in.

Decided against buying the camper - I'm just too busy and exhausted right now to take on another project like that. It was good to start doing all the research, and get the wheels turning on how to fit everything together, but the timeline was too short to do thorough research and make good decisions. There'll be other opportunities.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Mon Aug 09, 2021 7:21 pm

Weekend was busy, so catching up.

Saturday morning I woke up late and groggy due to staying up late with friends the night before. Spent a couple hours chatting with two who crashed my couches over coffee. Then finished up a few minor tasks around the house when my ex came over after bailing on an alpine summit bid that morning. I traded her coffee and conversation for a hair cut. Once she left, did the shot for Hobbies 2 (Guitar), which I think actually came out pretty well.

Lessons learned:

- I keep forgetting some details of the shot, which leaves me unprepared. Here, I forgot to account for the bracelets the model is wearing, so scrambled to make something out of an old bit of webbing I had laying around, just to try to emulate the geometry of the shot better. Before I go out to shoot, I should write out a detailed description of the shot I'm trying to do, so I don't forget details like this.

- Shots without movement or other models are *so much easier*.

- I have my phone set up to view the shots I take via a FlashAir SD card in the camera. I should set the phone screen timeout to indefinite while I'm shooting, and get use my tiny phone tripod to hold my phone while I'm shooting so I don't have to constantly pick it up to check my shots.

- Use a small, unobtrusive object to mark exactly where a particular body part should go in relation to the landscape. In this shot, I put my comb on the railing, and used it to mark where my left hip should be.

After the shoot, I hurried off to attend my friend's wedding. I hate weddings - mostly because I hate any of those kind of formal, stiff ceremonies. Collared shirts are not my jam. I was also awkward as fuck, since I knew no one there except the bride and the groom. Luckily, there was craft on tap, so after a couple drinks I was able to loosen up and actually talk to a few people - jackass that I was, I should have realized that everyone there would be pretty nice and largely similar to me, since this was an event where everyone knew everyone through social circles. All in all, a good opportunity to practice just introducing myself and talking to people I don't know. Met one girl who seemed interested, but I wasn't attracted enough to pursue her (like I would even try at this point, lol).

An additional benefit was this was a good opportunity for me to actually scope out the fashion of the day. The bridesmaids and groomsmen wore traditional wedding attire, and most people simply dressed "good enough" (I count myself amount them). However, quite a few people dressed to impress, so it was worth noting -

Clothes fit a fairly typical formal look that I'd see online, with some variances. Checkered and plaid shirts were about as common as solid. Formal vests and jackets were in, but just as common were vests and jackets from Patagonia or TNF. There were a few hats, mostly broad-brimmed felt. Nose studs and earrings on men were in. Jewelery showed a bias towards wood, leather, and natural fibers. Beards were in, and for men with hair, having at least some long hair seemed in (several man buns, a couple ponytails, one guy had the cut where it's basically a mohawk that takes up the whole of his head, one guy had long dreads). The vibe I got was people were showing that they understood the proper way to dress formally that is defined in the bigger cities, but were intentionally deviating from it to show off their identity as
- a resident of the mountain states (but NOT a conservative playing cowboy)
- a lover of nature (who is NOT appropriating the dress of native cultures)
- hippy/punk (but more mature than an angsty teenager).

After drinking and eating more than I should have, I decided to make one good decision for the night and head out early. Got home and went to sleep, but not nearly as early as I had planned.

Sunday morning went similar. One friend who was travelling was still crashing my couch, so I had coffee with her before she left town again. Then did a mad dash to get the house spick and span for the arrival of my new tenant. Finished cleaning just as she pulled up, did all the check in stuff, ran around town doing some chores (groceries for the week), and then got back home just in time to head out with her and my existing tenants to grab some drinks and get to know her. We drank for a bit (I kept it to one pint and a flight), then headed home for an impromptu bouldering sesh that lasted until around 11pm. Again, didn't get to sleep until around midnight. Luckily, I was so beat that I passed out immediately.

However, this is the third night in a row since I said I would be getting more, better sleep that I have failed to go to sleep on time. This, I think, deserves some reflection.

In each of these instances, I honestly think breaking the rule I'd set was more or less justified. Sure, I could say that because I made the rule for myself I absolutely, positively MUST follow it, or else I'm a piece of shit garbage who can't follow through on even basic commitments he makes to himself. But I think the reality is that I simply have values that came into play, which overruled my commitment to keep *this* commitment I made to myself. I value being a presence in my friends' lives, and spending time with them when the time is available. I value creating good relationships in my house - partly because this is good business, but partly because it simply makes the world a better place. Perhaps this is indicative that I am not fully committed to improving myself in this capacity, and I'd fully admit to that. But it also seems that a life where one is always fully committed to their goals without the flexibility to maintain a balanced life is foolish just as a life where no sacrifices are ever made for ones goals is. So, maybe the rigidity simply isn't a long term solution.

Additionally, I must admit that I've undertaken this goal before to establish a regular sleep schedule via going to bed at the same time each night. "Once, I build the habit, it will be easy and I'll stick to it." But even when I am successful in building the habit, eventually life happens, I miss a day, then a couple days, and then I'm fully off the wagon again and have to start over. Perhaps I need a different strategy...

I'm currently reading Lean and Strong, which touches on these points. It emphasizes skills rather than habits, since you can gain skills with practice, and regain the quickly when you fall out of practice. I think this is an interesting idea, and one that might be worth pursuing in the area of sleep and recovery. So I think I will shift my goal in health now from establishing a regular sleep schedule to finishing this book, starting to practice its food recommendations, and considering how to repurpose it's principles into sleep training.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
User avatar
Svadhishthana
Posts: 321 | Thanks: 280
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
Goal: Be Free
Age: 30
Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain

Tue Aug 10, 2021 12:50 am

Update: went through the photos from the shoot with the guitar. Made a few mistakes replicating the original, now that I'm looking at them. The camera is actually angled towards the model's right, which I missed. I also, at some point, must have latched onto the idea that I was supposed to be looking to the left, when the model is actually looking down at his left hand. The frame is also a bit smaller than the original, and I cut off my left hand a few times. And I subbed a grass reed for a cigarette, and didn't accessorize quite as much as the model. On the whole though, I'm actually pretty happy with this set of shots, even if I didn't get it perfect!

Pics:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders ... p=sharing

Also, matched with a girl on tinder, and got through the messaging template all the way to asking for her number. Girl was fuckin smokin' too! I assume this is the last I'll hear from her, but woohoo, new high point!
Last edited by Svadhishthana on Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
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