Svadhishthana's log

[Svadhishthana]

Kinda disappointed in my weekend. Blew myself up on the garage wall on Tuesday and Thursday, so I flash pumped as soon as I pulled onto the 5.10 warmup. Was just generally tired as fuck the whole weekend, and spent a lot of it sleeping and napping. Also, forgot to bring my sun hoody, which totally sapped my motivation to even climb on sunny walls.

The last two weekends have been pretty unproductive, honestly, and my lack of preparation is the key element. Forgetting to pack critical gear. I'm screwing over not only myself, but also my partners. I need to start making gear checklists and using them.

Doing the last push workout of my current program this morning. Last pull will be on Wednesday. Then I'll test my maxes on Friday and Monday and move onto a new program. This was a strength and hypertrophy program focused on aesthetics, and it's worked quite well - my chest and arms were my weak points before, and they are noticeably bigger now. The girl with big tits who gave me a bj even complimented my chest several times. But I'm hitting the road soon, so hitting a gym 3x per week with all the barbells, dumbbells, cables, etc that I would need would be far less convenient. And the program takes up a lot of my recovery capacity. So after 6 months of bodybuilding, I'm looking forward to switching to a kettlebell program that is more focused on pure strength and work capacity, and which I get to do only 2x/wk.

Today:
- work
- fix up wood hot tub
- buy a lawn mower
- call dentist
- find dermatologist

Tomorrow
- work
- board sesh
- clean garage and bathroom for new tenant move in.

[Svadhishthana]

Well, later Monday after I wrote that post, I came down with a pretty shitty cold. Kinda shot my week. Got some stuff done, but mostly focused on sleeping it off.

A friend from mexico got an Airbnb near some sick mountains randomly and invited me to come join for two weeks. I've been baking down here in the city the last few weeks - the van must be hitting at least 110*. So it's time to crank out some chores so I can leave and have some fun.

Today:
- work
- final bodybuilding workout
- pave hot tub fireplace platform
- sling hooks and cam hooks
- move in new tenant

Tomorrow:
- Aid practice: hauling 2
- Aid practice: portaledge (sleep in it overnight.)

Sunday:
- Aid practice: advanced aid course
- Pack
- Leave for the mountains.

[Svadhishthana]

Ugh, this sickness just keeps coming back, pushing back my plans. Whatever.

Today:
- Final workout
- Pack
- Finish hot tub
- Look into getting beta
- Leave for Laramie

Tomorrow:
- Work at the cafe
- Finish driving

*So* excited to get out of this heat that's been beating me down.

[Svadhishthana]

Spent the last two weeks in an Airbnb in Jackson with some friends. Ostensibly for climbing the Tetons, but a combination of of work, weather, and illness kept me from nabbing any real gems. Instead, had a few fun alpine romps, and a few pitches of sport climbing, but nothing to really write home about. Honestly, not that great of a trip - I just felt off balance the whole time since there was so much uncertainty I was juggling. Weather dictated if we might climb - but if the weather window came on a weekday, should I just play hooky at work? Does it matter, since I'm quitting soon anyway? I have the sniffles, and a headache, and fatigue - am I sick? Or hungover? Or is it altitude? Lack of sleep? I'm planning on putting my two weeks in within the month - are my investments generating enough income? Am I a fucking idiot? Or a coward for doubting myself? What do I have to lock down before I put that notice in?

Honestly, the best part about the trip was spending time with a couple of my friends who are pretty explicit talking about girls and dating. At its core, this is my biggest hurdle - I don't really fear getting rejected by any given woman, or have performance anxiety. While I still doubt my own attractiveness on an emotional level, I at least understand I'm attractive on an intellectual level. But my real fear is being rejected by my friends, my social circles, or society for my sexual desires and for taking actions to fulfill those desires. Kind of funny - I don't need a an approach anxiety program so much as I need a talking-about-approaching anxiety program, lol. But I think the more time I spend with friends like these, and the more I push myself to talk about my own shit with them, the more I'll break down this mental barrier.

Last thing to note - while in Jackson I fired up OLD again. Kind of a strange place, since it is a pretty small town, but also very rich, so there are not that many women but a much higher proportion of them are attractive. Matched with a few, felt I was getting a good connection, was setting up date logistics... and then the leads went dead. Had to remind myself this is par for the course, and literally nothing means anything until you're putting a condom on.

======================

Today:
- Meditate
- Lift
- Work
- Plan retirement party
- Read library books
- Make physical appt

[Svadhishthana]

Got a lot of shit done yesterday. Good day.

Today:
- Work
- Research remote hot tub controller
- Meditate
- Board sesh
- Read library books

[Antonio44]

Ah alpine climbing, otherwise known as sitting chatting shit about conditions 90% of the time. I love it though - when you get it right it's like nothing else. Plus when it goes wrong it's also like nothing else but that's another story.

You might know this already - but acetazolomide (diamox) is a very useful tool for faster/better aclimitisation.

I take half a 250mg tab twice a day, for a day before starting ascending and then continue taking it until a couple of days at the max height. Really underrated - I'm in Peru and the main climbing towns are at about 3k and going from sea level to that height without it is fairly limiting/poor sleep for a couple of days. With it, huge difference - still better to be smart but last time I was out we went overnight bus to town at 3k, arrived then straight away up for a walk to look at a route about 4.8k, and felt ok (but of course walking slower than sea level etc). If I tried that rapid ascent unmedicated it would be a total hell.

But follow the usual climb high sleep low etc. Sides - it does make you thirsty (drink lots of water) and gives me slightly euphoric pins and needles.

[Svadhishthana]

@Antonio44 We hangboard to train for bouldering. We boulder to train for sport climbing. We sport climb to train for trad climbing. We trad climb to train for alpine climbing. We alpine climb to train for death, lol. My best days are out in the mountains. So are my days of the most suffering.... which are also my best days!

I think altitude may have played a minor role, but bigger I think was simple bad lifestyle habits - a mild sickness, plus alcohol, plus lack of adequate rest. I was only maybe 4 or 500 meters higher than the city where I normally live when I was hanging out at the Airbnb we had in town. Even the peaks only went to ~4200m. Nothing compared to Peru - I appreciate the suggestion, but I think I just need to be more disciplined in my recovery.

=====================
Log

Knocked shit out yesterday. Woke up today and made a real todo list instead of just fucking around. Feels good.

Today:
- Work
- Pack for weekend
- Read book on septic systems.
- clean up bear garbage

[Svadhishthana]

Yesterday:
- Finished reading septic book.
- Started working on list of inspections and maintenance items for potential critical failure points on my houses
- was gonna climb, but found a kink in my upper back, probably from trying hard in the hot sun the day before. Spent the time I had allocated for my sesh performing pain management techniques on the area.
- hung with roomies for house meeting and got a list of a few minor things to fix.
- tinder date flaked

Today:
- ping a tinder girl who wanted to video chat before a date tomorrow.
- make new signage for airbnb
- work
- formalize critical issues list. Make maintenance and inspection checklists and put these things on a calendar
- work out if back is feeling up to it later in the day.
- fix things around the house and clean some of my stuff out of the garage.

Tomorrow:
- Meditate
- Work
- Board sesh
- Tinder date

[Svadhishthana]

Today:
- Meditate
- Work
- Clean out my garage a bit
- Run through inspection of my long term rental
- Board Sesh
- Date flaked. Nbd, she wasn't that hot and I'm busy anyway.

Tomorrow:
- Meditate
- Work
- Kettlebell training
- Test hot tub pump that froze and cracked to see if it is watertight from the JB Weld I put it together with
- Meet with a friend for her birthday thing at a park (more distant friend, good opportunity to expand social circle)
- Meet with other friend for his birthday thing for a poker night (many good friends will be there, good hang)

[Svadhishthana]

Today:
- Meditate
- Work
- Kettlebells
- Hot tub pump
- Start getting internet fallback hotspot for Airbnb set up
- 2 parties

Tomorrow:
- Meditate
- Work
- Board Sesh
- Hot tub pump/ internet fallback
- Date? Matched with a girl on tinder, but said she needed to ask her bf first.

[Svadhishthana]

Today:
- Meditate
- Work
- Board sesh
- Make some signs for the Airbnb + internet fallback + hot tub pump
- Finish inspection/maintenance of LTR
- Date w/ girl I matched with last night.

Tomorrow:
- Meditate
- Work
- Go to Airbnb to hang signs, perform inspection/maintenance, hopefully install fallback internet and hot tub pump.
- Probably date w/ open relationship girl, who texted me this morning.

[Svadhishthana]

Lay 19: 21 yo karateka

Pretty standard lay. We match on tinder last night. She seems enthused the whole time until the number pull. This morning I'm like "damn, she was hot and seemed into me" so I sent her a quick follow up. Was blown away when it actually worked - immediately gave me her number and set up a date for tonight.

I show up. It's crowded as fuck... dammit, this is *why* I never plan my dates for weekends, except it's a Thursday. She texts me she's having trouble finding parking, so I wander around trying to scope a place to sit that won't suck - at which point it starts raining.

I'm not happy about this. The rain, I assume, will send the crowds of people outside right into the building, further cramming us together, delaying drink orders, making it hard to talk. She takes some time getting there, and seems a bit hesitant at first. Despite my less than optimal mental state, I start doing a bit of flirting, leading the way, telling her where to go. While we're getting drinks, she says she can't stay out too late since she has work in the morning - which I take to mean she doesn't plan on sleeping with me tonight. But I play it off - "I'll try to convince you to stay out later."

Then things take a turn for the better. The rain's let up, but scared everyone off from sitting outside so we get a nice secluded table to ourselves. We talk a bit, I give her a few compliments, move in to kiss her. She's down - as soon as we start kissing, the whole vibe changes. She has no problem with me grabbing her tits and ass. I pull her towards me so she's out of her seat and straddling my thigh. *Now* she's having a good time. We bottoms up and head back to mine.

Once we're inside and making out, I start teasing her a bit, forcing her to vocalize what she wants. This plays well, since she's nervous, but then I can tell her what I want, aka, tell her what to do. She is very much into this, as I tell her "unbuckle my belt", "unzip my pants", "did I tell you you could touch my cock", "get on your knees..."

Good bj, enhanced by the fact that she had a very cute face. But her body was a bit chubbier than advertised, so the sex was slightly worse than average. Still, made her cum in my dick a few times, cuddled for a while and talked about shit, then had her blow me until I came in her mouth and sent her on her way.

[Svadhishthana]

Today:
- Meditate
- Work
- Finalize weekend plans
- Finish LTR inspection/maintenance
- Test hot tub pump
- Date with open relationship girl

Tomorrow:
- Meditate
- Outdoor climbing

[Svadhishthana]

Date with open relationship girl in about 2 hours. Just need to vent real quick.

I've mentioned in this log before my... unease about talking to other people about polyamory/open relationships. Or, okay, more like reasonably controllable panic attacks. But I don't think I ever really explained why.

So, back in college, I was having trouble getting laid. As a teenager, I'd gone made some major steps socially from being despised by everyone around me, to being mostly tolerated. I college, I finally became a halfway decent human with some good friends who didn't think about killing himself every 1-3 days. But this didn't give me a whole lot of experience to lean on when it came to bedding women, which I desperately, desperately wanted to do. Unfortunately, this impulse was countered by a desperate shrieking in my head to never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, talk about sex with anyone, or else they would figure out what a loser incel I was and would never talk to me again.

I'll skip the rundown of all the awful, cringy shit I did, the easy touchdowns I fumbled, and my agonizingly slow journey to becoming a somewhat fuckable human being, and jump to my senior year. In a series of the most emotionally harrowing moments of my life I manage to lose my virginity to a girl. A hot girl, who is part of my social circle. And for a couple months, it's great, as we regularly hook up while I continue my fumbling attempts to get with other girls. After this period, she gives me the dreaded relationship talk - the absolute last thing I want to hear. For the first time in my life I'm getting regular sex, and I'm feeling amazing and have good leads, and I want to try to have more sex with other women... But I still have no idea how to do this, so I don't want to lose the regular sex I'm getting at the moment. So I agree to being in a relationship.... as long as it's an open relationship.

The more experienced people here will recognize this tactic - agreeing to a relationship in order to maintain access to regular sex - will recognize this as what is known as, A Really Fucking Stupid Idea.

Of course, as soon as it comes out that we're a couple, all my social leads dry up, and I graduate college having fucked only one girl - my girlfriend. Post-college, I move across the country and we break up, and if that were the extent of my sorrowful tale, I would not be writing this post.

Instead, we kept in touch. She's come visit occasionally, or I would, and we'd fuck. A while after I moved to my new city and abjectly failed to get laid at all, we decided we'd keep dating long distance - still open, so I'm still free to date other girls. The Really Fucking Stupid Idea rears it's head again. After a couple years of this, she breaks up with me. I proceed to still not get laid.

Then, the Very Bad Part. I have a gap in my employment, and am crashing our mutual friend's spare bedroom. She decides to also quit her job, and wants to hang out with my friend and I. Of course, as soon as we get a moment alone we start making out, feeling each other up, grinding on each other... but she flat out refuses to have sex or get to third base. At first I'm like "that's not ideal, but at least I'm touching boobs. That's better than nothing."

In fact, it was worse than nothing, as my mental health entered a state of precipitous decline. My emotional state would careen from "fine", to inexplicable homicidal rage, self loathing, to sobbing dejection and hopelessness. I would spend hours in bed doing nothing but suffering these emotional swings until I finally forced myself to tell my ex I couldn't keep doing this if we weren't having sex. So we stop for a few days. I get my head screwed on straight again. And then during a night of drinking, we start making out again, don't fuck again, and I'm plunged right back into my spiral. At this point, my memory becomes significantly more hazy, but I begin to get suicidal urges, and start seeing intrusive mental pictures of a literal demon from hell saying he's gonna kill me. Eventually, I tell my ex we need to talk, and to get in my car. We drive to some random pull off in the middle of some random canyon, and I can walk about 50 feet into the woods before I just collapse and start sobbing and spilling my guts about everything that's been rattling in my head, including my complete inability to get laid. She - being a nice person with her own history of mental health struggles - says she'll help me, which gives me just enough hope to pick myself up off the ground and get back home again.

So, with her encouragement, I overcome my fear of both large corporations stealing my data, and anyone I know at all ever seeing me on tinder, and I make my first online dating profile. I proceed to get approximately 0 matches. Then she says we could go to a bar and I could hit on girls. I proceed to drink my beer. Then I drink her beer. Then I drink a few more beers. And then I'm drunk and still experiencing panic attacks at the thought of going up to a girl and talking to her.

That night, both of us quite drunk, she starts blowing me in the sidewalk on our walk home, and then I fuck her and make her cum a record breaking 15 times. Which, I suppose, convinced her that maybe we should get back together. Yeah I know - really fucking stupid idea.

So I start working again and she gets a job in my city, and for a while things are going pretty well.... kind of. Admitting that I still couldn't get laid to save my life, and having her agree to help me out kind of lit a fire in me. But the fire burned dirty. I started reading everything I could find about how to make open relationships and polyamory work, which is all heavily steeped in the feminist tradition. I read a lot of somewhat good advice which was not at all useful to my circumstance, and a lot of really shitty advice that made me feel like I was a terrible person, and I started going a little bit crazy again, but slower this time. More of a steady and unrecoverable slide into long term anxiety and depression. As I slid deeper into this whole, I started hammering her with endless questions about the theory of dating, the ethics of one choice or another, what her perspective was on X, Y, or Z, which she found increasingly unbearable, until she demanded I go to a therapist to sort my head out

So I did. The therapy worked - in that it stopped me from going completely off the deep end. But failed to make any meaningful change.

At this point also, I finally overcame another of my fears, and figured out how to attend a polyamory meetup. I have to say, the hoops I needed to jump through for this were quite excessive, especially considering I was so far past the point of even wanting to hit on any girls. I just wanted to talk to some old guy about "how the fuck do I do this?" After working up the courage to finally show up, I arrived to the group to spend one of the most uncomfortable hours of my life sitting in a hippy feather-circle where all discussion focused on the social justice issue of the day - after which I was absolutely too emotionally drained to even try to talk to one of the old guys. A real shame, since the 60+ crowd there actually seemed like very nice people, while the 20s and 30s crowd seemed like the most negative, toxic group I'd ever encountered. As I got into my car to drive away, all I remember thinking is "wow, maybe I'm a depressed loser who can't get laid for shit and keeps having intrusive suicidal thoughts... But at least I'm not *those* people!"

Not long after this, we broke up for the third and final time. My lay count during my 5-or-so-year-long on-again-off-again open relationship: 1.

Hence why this topic sets me off. Just like when I was a virgin, I'm terrified that I'll spill the beans. I'll tell the truth about what happened, how I failed, how I tried as hard as I could and came up short because I'm a worthless piece of shit - and then there go my friends, and there go my prospects.

So tonight, I'm going on a date. Except it's not a date. We're meeting "as friends" - because apparently she's new to this, and he has some sort of hangup about her going on a date where she might get laid. Why would I agree to this? I dunno. I guess I'm hoping for a redemption arc, where I can help out someone who was struggling like I was. Or maybe we will just not be into each other at all, and it'll be an awkward waste of time. Or maybe I'll spill my guts and all my pain was worth nothing, and she'll think I'm some weird fucking loser. But I'm afraid, so I guess that means I have to do it.

[Svadhishthana]

Update: after all my bitching and hand wringing, she turned out to be super cool. Going climbing with her tomorrow.