Svadhishthana's log

[Svadhishthana]

Yesterday was a good day.

Three days ago pulling out from the crag, my bike cut out when I pushed it over 2k rpms. Disappointing after a good day out climbing, but I just caught a ride to my van and picked it up.

Two days ago my body was worked, and I spent the day trying to figure out the issue with my bike. I'm pretty good at fixing things that don't move much, but once there are moving parts I lose a lot of confidence. But based on the symptoms and past experience, I felt pretty confident that the issue was a fouled carburator jet. I pulled the carb out, and sure enough, the main jet was full of gunk. So after cleaning it out, I replace the carb, only to find that now I was getting a no-start. The engine would only keep running as long as my throttle was pinned. So I took the carb off again, took it apart again, and found that in my carelessness I'd introduced a bunch of sand into the bowl, clogging things up again. I cleaned out the main jet again, and the pilot jet, and reassembled the bike as the sun was setting... only to get the same result. My mechanic friend noted I was dumping a bunch of fuel on the ground. We figured this probably mean the float valve was stuck open, letting fuel flow freely into the carb, flooding the engine and dumping out the carb overflow. So yesterday morning, I took the carb off the bike again. This time I was as careful and thorough as possible, cleaning everything as best as I could before disassembly, checking every valve and jet and diaphragm and gasket, and didn't really find anything wrong. So I put it back together again, thinking everything looked pretty okay even though I still hadn't figured out the issue... And it worked! So I guess my mechanical skills are very gradually coming along.

Then packed up and went to the bouldering crag. I had a bit of a mess happen in some of my cabinets on the way there, so when I arrived, cleaned them out and installed some new shelving I'd been meaning to put in for over a year now.

Cute girl at the crag. Chatted with her a bit, but should have been more aggressive. If I'd engaged earlier and faster, I might have been able to establish more rapport, got contact info, and figured out logistics.

But regardless, made progress on the proj there. I think I have links through all the hard sections. But the real hard part will be putting it all together.

Driving back from the boulder crag, was hanging with two girls from our group who were talking about sex and their relationships. Got a bit vulnerable there - chipping away at my anxieties.

The last few days I've been pretty relaxed - I think because I had a little more direction in my life. It sounds dumb, but I asked my subconscious what I should do, and it told me that I should clean up, because it is such a pain in the ass to constantly be looking for things and moving things around, and I would be much happier, have more mental capacity, and be more efficient in my life if I just chucked the junk and got organized. So I've been working my way through the van, cleaning out sections and making my life easier. So that feels good.

Registered for a rope access course in mid-May this morning.

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A while ago, I made a list of goals. One thing on my mind has been to flesh out this list, so as to understand the why and how of each.

- Clean and organize van

Why: my problem is just opulance. Earlier in my life, I pared my possessions down to only what could fit in a car. With so little, it is easy to always know where any particular thing is. But the van has so much storage, so it is easy to keep things around which really serve little purpose. In a fit of cleaning before I drive across the country or a girl comes over, my strategy has been to simply shove whatever mess I have in whatever available cavity will best fit it. The result is that my storage is full of useless things, while everything that is useful to me mostly just floats around and has no real home. This is a giant pain in the ass, since it means the things I need most are constantly moving around so I can never find them. Also a pain in the ass because it means I'm constantly moving these things from one spot to another when I am looking for something else, or when I am packing up, or when I have company coming over. Obviously, this takes up a lot of time and energy to deal with, making my life less enjoyable and productive.

How: Luckily my van is nearly divided into various sections which can be cleaned. So when it is time to organize, just pick a section, pull everything out, decide what the section will be used for, and put those things in. Of the remaining things, sort them into things to keep at home, things to give away, things to go somewhere else, and garbage.

- Get Timeless Simple

Why: I started learning how to use kettlebells years ago for some pretty straightforward reasons. First, because I'd accumulated a number of overuse injuries, and I was told strength training would help with these. My experience since has shown this advice to be true. Adding strength would also help me with all my athletic goals, and just make day to day life easier. And kettlebells, specifically, because they are portable. Here I am in the middle of the desert, miles from even the worst commercial gym, and yet I can still train with a few lumps of iron and an oilskin tarp on the ground. And of course, as I became less of a think headed dumbass, I realized that being jacked would help me get girls. So the Simple standard is fairly recognized in the kettlebell world as a fairly basic level of competence, and it seems like a good goal to shoot for in the short term. The Simple standard is Simple: 10 x 10 one arm swings with the 32kg bell, alternating left and right, in 5 minutes; then one minute rest; then 10 Turkish get-ups with the 32kg bell, alternating left and right, in 10 minutes. Then, long term goals are the Secret Service Snatch Test - 200 snatches in 10 minutes using the 24kg bell; and the Rite of Passage - performing a one arm overhead press with a kettlebell 1/2 one's bodyweight.

How: Luckily, there is a straightforward program to follow. 2-6 days per week, practice doing the standard, gradually increasing weight until you can do all the reps. Right now I am at this stage, performing one set of swings and one set of tgus each side with the 32kg bell, and performing the rest with the 24kg bell. Once I've completed 20 to 24 training sessions like this, I'll add another set to each side with the heavy bell, until I am performing the whole workout with the 32kg bell. At that point, I will have completed Timeless Simple, and the program changes. At that point, I will continue as before, pushing the weight up to the 40kg bell - however, once every 2 weeks, I will drop weight to the 32kg bell and will try to achieve the timed standard. I like this program because it is not too complicated, it is fairly quick to perform, and it does not leave me overly fatigued, meaning I still have plenty of energy the rest of the day to go climbing or take care of chores requiring physical labor.

But sometimes I want an even easier and faster program. On these days, I follow the program for the Rite of Passage standard, racking up between 5 and 75 reps of overhead presses, and match this with an equal number of reps of pushups (using an appropriate progression). Right now, I'm at 65 reps with the 16kg bell, soon to move up in weight.

- Send M’s projects next year

Why: this is an extremely ambitious goal to honor my friend. It will require sending a 5.13a - three grades harder than I have ever sent - and a 15 pitch 5.12d. If I'm able to do this, it will put me at the cusp of truly hard climbing at the widely recognized 5.13b/8a grade. This amount of skill will allow me to access huge amounts of new terrain, and will give me status among my peers, which will lend me more opportunities to get laid with the hot climber chicks.

How: I am lacking a lot to achieve this goal.

First, I need stronger fingers. I picked up a little tweak in my left middle finger over the winter, so that needs to be sorted. Currently, I am working on both of these problems by consistently hangboarding using my Tension Block. The kettlebells make this simple - in rests between sets in my kettlebell workouts, sling a bell with the block and pull. 2 warm up sets with the 3 finger drag, then 5 working sets. Gradually increase the length of the holds from 1 second per set to 20 seconds. Once all working sets are at 20 seconds, increase weight. Then repeat the scheme with a half crimp. Right now, I'm working 3 finger drags with the 32kg bell, and half crimps (which are most aggravating to my tweak) with the 24kg bell.

Next, I need to be able to do harder moves. If I can't do a move, I can't do a route. This can primarily be worked on by projecting boulders. To climb 5.13a, I need to be able to, at minimum, boulder V5. And ideally, V7. This is quite a leap for me, since I'm not much of a boulderer - I think my hardest sends are V4 or 5 outside, and V4 on the moonboard. But since I've never done much bouldering, hopefully I'll also progress quickly.

Another option is projecting hard sport climbs. Working sport climbs high above my grade is essentially bouldering - I would probably never actually send, but working moves between bolts would train me in doing harder moves, without the risks of hitting the ground that come with bouldering.

Endurance and stamina is another crux. This one I am less concerned about - being able to keep going and suffering has long been my strong suit. But there is a difference between getting to the top and sending. Building a large base of climbing capacity will be invaluable both for training more, projecting more, and for getting the send on the multipitch. So days of hard bouldering or sport climbing should be mixed with days of many easy sport pitches, or perhaps long multipitch trad routes.

Total body strength also comes into play, but this can be built up with kettlebells.

Then there is the mental side - letting fear and distraction get in the way of trying hard. Fear of falling, fear of not sending, fear of getting an overuse injury. TIGOT and TRWW should help here, as well as spending plenty of time taking lead falls.

Overall, it would probably help in putting this all together to get some coaching from a pro.

- Revamp OLD and get more lays

Why: My lifestyle and goals have changed significantly since I made my profile a few years ago. Plus I've gotten some upgrades in my appearance - ink, piercings, added muscle. And besides that, I've always been a bit uncomfortable in how I don't feel my profile accurately represents me. I think now, improving my life just a bit more, I could accurately represent myself and have a better profile than I have now. Then I could have a more consistent stream of girls who are more likely to both be into me and to stick around.

How: Spend time getting new shots, and make a habit of getting shots with my friends regularly to create a culture of taking pictures. Upgrading my camera could help a lot here with planned shoots. I already know how... the trick is getting off my ass and doing it. And with everything else on this list, it is kind of hard to fit in

[Svadhishthana]

Yesterday mostly took care of chores. Meal prep, kb workout, gas, groceries, post office, water. Then cleaned out my cookery cabinet - why do I have 3 mini frying pans? - and installed a magnetic strip to hold knives and cutlery. Spent the evening reading TRWW. I was mildly amused to find that a bit part of the books underpinning was Castenada's work, which I hadn't realized when I read it years ago. It might have actually been the thing that pointed me to Castenada's work in the first place.

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- AA

Why: the more I dig into my anxieties, the more obvious it becomes that I should do this. Honestly, I feel like the biggest hurdle to me making real progress with my social anxiety is that I procrastinate due to uncertainty about what exactly I should do.The AA program is a "do this" program that cuts through that problem. Even though it is specifically designed to beat approach anxiety it's pretty clear it would help enormously with general social anxiety as well - after all, if you can hit on a hot girl, you can just walk up and say hi to any random person. It's definitely a bear of a task, but is probably worth it. One of the biggest hurdles, though, is just being in one metro area long enough to do it at this point.

How: I think I should be in the Denver area this summer long enough to get it done. Just gotta carve out the time and pull the trigger.

- Work on insecurities

Why: I defined these before as social, physical, financial, and sexual. The why, I think, is obvious - as long as I feel insecure about these things, I cannot be really free - I will always be catering to my fears.

How:
Physical I am already working on. It is not hard to find little niggles that come along with physical activity, many of which would have stopped me in the past. However, using my knowledge of training and rehab, combined with my knowledge of how to handle psychosomatic pain, I can work through them quickly while continuing to train, improve, and have fun. I will overcome this insecurity by having pain, noticing it, accepting it, making choices about adjusting workload or pressing on, and remembering that I can still try hard, learn, and have a good time even with pain present.

Financial I can work on by getting new jobs and learning new skills. I already have 8 years of experience as a software developer to fall back on if I ever really needed money, but I found the work to not be to my taste. Now I'm signed up to learn Rope Access, with the promise that I'll be able to pick up contracts lasting from 1 to 7 weeks, make bank, and then fuck off, with the option to increase pay more with additional skills and certifications. Working outside, a mix of mental and physical labor, available gigs and flexibility make this quite appealing. I also have standing offers to work at a couple different rock gyms and gear shops in Denver. And, though I'm not a huge fan of the work, I can always fall back on doing Airbnb cleanings myself, banking $150-200 for about 3 hours of work which is mostly just waiting on a laundry machine. The trick is to actually *do* these things to give myself the certainty that I have a large net of redundancies to avoid financial ruin.

Social is the tricky one, because it requires me to actually know my specific insecurities and then face them via exposure therapy. Especially tricky because a good chunk of my insecurities surround exposing myself to people I know and like - I can't exactly do arbitrary reps there without everybody thinking I've gone off the deep end. However, working on the other aspects of my social insecurity - mainly meeting new people - should help here as as I prove that I am fairly generally likeable, I should be more open to exposing myself to people I know well. And conversely, as I prove that my core social support system is solid, I should feel more confident taking risks with new people. As stated before, I think the AA program would help a lot here. Additionally, big things I could do that jump out at me: improv classes (the standby of the puas of old), dance classes (I am legitimately tired of cowboys showing me up), and concerts/raves. The main issues here are: first logistical - I need to actually be in a place where I have access to these resources; second, motivational - I need to figure out where and when these things are happening, then show up. Finally, framing - I noticed this when I went to my first improv class last month. I went in with the mindset that I was in for a trial of fear and anxiety that I would have to grind through and endure, and that's what it was. So I tried my best to engage with my fear, but when it was done I beat feet and left as soon as possible. Only reflecting on it did I realize that I could have had a lot of fun, and used it as an opportunity to meet cool new people. I was so focused on myself that I'd missed the opportunities around me. So I think in these cases, I need to remind myself of this - I'm gonna be scared, *and* it's gonna be fun.

Sexual is a branch of social, and will be achieved through several approaches. An improved OLD profile to increase throughout. AA to overcome AA. Increased openness to friends to improve security around making moves on women in my social circles. Improving in those other insecurities mentioned to make myself more attractive on a base level for the foreseeable future.

- Establish an effortless routine for taking care of chores and life maintenance

Why: "Oh boo hoo, I don't have to work anymore so my life lacks structure and I find it difficult to motivate to get basic tasks done in a timely fashion. Poor me." But really, it's a problem. With no outside force really motivating me to get these things done on time, I can easily just fart around and take hours doing them - or lay in bed procrastinating and never get them done. These are basic life maintenance things, like grooming, working out, meditating, eating meals, bowel movements, etc. These are the things that I should be knocking out quick, easy, and fast, consistently so that I can tackle the real challenges in my life and be ready for opportunities that might present themselves.

How: TIGOT provides the path. I need to spend time paying attention to what I'm doing and thinking, nonjudgmentally. Let the answer to why I am doing or not doing something come to me - what function is this action or inaction serving? Then allow a solution to the problem to come to me, and visualize implementing that solution and allow myself to effortlessly do what comes naturally. Then nonjudgementally observe the action.

- Meditate more

Why: again and again, dedicated meditation time appears to be the solution to my problems. When I was spending 2+ hours per day on it in Mexico, I felt I was making real progress. Mastering attention and awareness is a master skill, and meditation is the weight training to improve at it.

How: integrate longer meditation sessions into my routines, which is part of the larger process of establishing routines just discussed. Additionally, I must practice being aware of my attention throughout my whole day - rather than letting my mind be scattered, as much as possible, always practicing relaxed concentration to pay attention to what is important at that moment.

- Learn to play the guitar

Why: quite simply, it is just something I want to be able to do. There is no other real motivation than I want to be able to reproduce songs I've heard which resonate with me and create my own music. Side benefits would include mastering an additional skill, having more insight into the artistic side of things (which I am sorely lacking), and having opportunities to be the center of attention - good for working on social anxiety and getting girls.

How: pick a program and practice regularly. Integrate practice into daily routine. See routines. Big crux here is that it is awkward to fit a guitar in my van, and practicing when I have no skill at all is something I don't want to do around other people. But these are more opportunities to stay organized, make a good routine, and work on social anxiety.

- Get a rope access cert

Why: see financial insecurity

How: Signed up for a class in mid May. Study and practice beforehand, show up every day well rested with a good attitude, and get to know people and socialize.

- Learn Spanish

Why: it's one of the most widely spoken languages in the world, and would help me travel in Central and South America, in addition to giving me a much better shot at picking up girls there. Also impressive and useful to the many people around me who only speak English. And would give me job opportunities in software, rope access, and menial labor.

How: I'm approaching a one year streak on Duolingo, which is a little something. But it's really obvious that my ability to learn to actually speak Spanish will best be served by speaking Spanish to actual people. So to really expedite progress, I should regularly go to local language exchange meetups, and/or regularly speak with people using online language exchanges. The biggest issue with this is, again, location and/or routine. For in person practice, I need to be somewhere where I can find someone to practice with. For language exchange, I need somewhere with good service, and to have a regular schedule I can stick to where I can dedicate time to practicing with someone. Additionally, there is the social anxiety aspect - when I meet a Spanish speaker in real life, I am nervous about my lackluster ability to speak, and am concerned about making an imposition on them. So, another opportunity to work on social anxiety.

[Svadhishthana]

I sat down for a longer meditation just now. Right now, I was planning on working out, then eating breakfast, then going to the crag. But that will have to be delayed, because I could not get this dialogue out of my head during my sit.

I have a friend, J. We met about 5 years ago or so. It must have been around 2017. We had some common friends, and he was really into caving with a burgeoning interest in climbing and canyoneering, so we went on a few casual trips together and hung out socially quite a few times.

I thought he was a pretty chill guy. A little weird and awkward - but hey, so was I. Around the time I was building out my van, he had moved into his. He bought a house during the pandemic, and I ended up parking my van in his driveway, spending several months slamming beers while we worked nights to remodel the place. I learned framing, electrical troubleshooting, drywall, and painting during that time. And while we were doing that, I was putting in offers on my own first house - 2 or 3 times per week, committing myself to a half million dollars of debt and a 30 year mortgage, and we'd hang out and drink when I texted my agent to offer 40 or 50 or 60 grand over the asking price, and then we'd hang out and drink when my agent told me that, yet again, I didn't get the house.

When I finally closed on a house, he repaid my favors and was constantly coming by to help me with remodelling and DIY tasks, or letting me borrow tools, or telling me about research he'd done on how to get things done quicker or faster or cheaper.

Once I'd finished the tasks on that house, I joined this forum, and it was clear to me that one of my biggest issues was that I had no one in my real life who I felt I could talk to about sex and dating. And so when I started getting dates from online and was getting laid and dealing with the emotional struggles you go through when first starting that process, he was one of the few people I felt comfortable talking about it with, even a little.

I watched him deal with the fallout of having some bad tenants, and stuck around and helped him through the process. And then when I had a bad tenant who threatened a lawsuit against me, he was with me through the process as I tried to find a lawyer and figure all that shit out.

We spent a lot of time together, talking about diy stuff, our jobs, our problems, politics, philosophy, girls, life, everything. Late nights in bars or at the kitchen table, sipping whiskey or swilling cheap beer. Sessions in the gym lifting weights. He coached me through buying my first motorcycle, learning to ride it, and endless evenings in the garage troubleshooting no starts. I feel like we had a bond, a real relationship, and that we could rely on each other.

But then there's the other side of the coin.

Not long after I met him, he developed an obvious infatuation with one of my other friends, B, which made her uncomfortable. And I thought, oh well, we'll just not have them hang out together.

Then we went on a climbing trip together. Another friend pointed out that her female tenants felt creeped out by him, and also noted that he was being extremely cavalier about safety at the crag, and got defensive when they asked if he needed instruction to complete a simple task he was clearly struggling with.

Then B moved away to Arizona. For reasons unknown to me, J had some sort of mental break and drove to her house there unannounced, declaring his love to her and dumping about his depression. I only found out the full details of this much later.

Then he started dating one of my tenants. I was nervous about this at the time, but really couldn't say anything about it since I'd fucked one of his tenants, and I figured that he would handle the situation like an adult. But then he basically started living in my house full time, much to the chagrin of my other tenants. And rather than seeing that this was pissing other people off and caring about how badly this reflected on me, he made arguments about how he should be allowed to live rent free in my house and piss my tenants off because of his work schedule, and I guess the fact that he didn't want to do a very reasonable 15 minute commute each day.

And then after that was mostly sorted out, my tenants had more complaints still, since he would leave dirty dishes and beer cans around the house and refused to follow house rules about taking shoes off. Again, instead of realizing that not only was this pissing people off but was reflecting poorly on me, he blamed his ADHD, said my tenants were being ablist, and declared it was literally impossible for him to change.

And then there was the time the two of us led a group of less experienced friends on a scramble in the mountains. When the weather rolled in, and one of our friends, D, was struggling to get down the mountain quickly, J took off sprinting down the hill to save his own hide and left me to carry D down the mountain slung over my shoulder, battling hypotheria myself while trying to keep D conscious as his hypothermia completely zonked him, all the while straining to get down below treeline to lower our chance of getting struck by lightning. Are you serious? You don't fucking leave your friends behind in a situation like that.

And then most recently, his girlfriend - my tenant - finally broke up with him. I consoled him through the breakup, drank with him to ease the pain, and got him back on his feet, hoping he would be fine. But then - for reasons completely inexplicable to me - he thought he should still go on a group ski trip he and his ex had planned to go on together! And when the group told him "no, you guys just broke up, that's a terrible idea for everyone", he had a mental breakdown and started threatening suicide to his ex, her friends on the ski trip, and her friggin parents. And again, I talked him down. And now for the past two months he's been talking about how inexplicable it is that his girlfriend broke up with him, and how unfair it was that he was excluded from her ski trip.

And now he's hitting me up, saying he wants to hang out, asking why I'm not responding to his texts. And I'm over it.

What I want to say to him is this:

You are the cause of all the problems you are complaining about.

Your tenants all moved out that one time because you didn't respect their boundaries and let your house turn into a pig sty. You need to be the leader who sets the good example and enforces rules when necessary, not the guy who wanders in and makes everything worse.

Your girlfriend was a hot, sweet 24 year old with ugly duckling syndrome. She was attracted to you because you seemed to have things going on in your life, you were leading people on fun, exciting adventures, and you were fit because we'd been lifting together. But your breakup was inevitable. Once you were dating her, you stopped putting effort in and became depressed and needy. You failed to set boundaries around how much she was allowed to lean on you, and got exhausted trying to placate her insecurities. You pissed off her tenants, who were also her close friends, so they didn't like you. And you stopped working out and got a pot belly. And at the end of the day, you're a needy, emotional, 33 year old man with a walrus mustache who needs to learn to bathe more regularly. Within a month she was able to find a new boyfriend who is more fun, more stable, and better looking.

You got kicked off that ski trip because it was obviously a bad idea. But none of the people on that trip wanted to be friends with you after your breakup because they were never really your friends in the first place. Sure, you spent time with them, but you never developed a close personal connection with any of them. You were always present as their friends boyfriend, or their landlords friend - someone they could be friendly with but still keep at arms length. Your awkwardness, neediness, and failure to respect boundaries ensured that they would want nothing to do with you after the breakup, since your ex - despite her own shortcomings - makes an effort to be friendly, open, and respectful of others, in addition to being a hot girl.

You keep having the same breakdown about how it is so hard for you to make and keep friends. And you keep oscillating between saying it is all the fault of the other people, or saying you must just be a broken, defective person. You need to stop oscillating and realize the truth is that you have trouble making and keeping friends because of the choices you make. Pretty much all the people I have known who rejected you are good people - maybe they have their flaws, but overall they are very nice and kind and don't want to hurt anyone, but also are looking out for their own happiness. And I've seen personally that you can be a very likeable person, so there is nothing fundamentally broken. The problem is that you make choices to violate people's boundaries, to not meet their expectations, or to be an unappealing sack of shit. If you made different choices, you would see different results. You often claim that ADHD or depression make it impossible for you to make these choices - your executive decision making is just overruled by your impulses. Unfortunately, we have a name for those who are ruled by their impulses instead of making conscious choices - animals. If you aren't choosing how to act, you are an animal, like a dog. And honestly, there is nothing wrong with that - humans are animals, after all, and we all act on our impulses sometimes.

But here's the thing - if you're gonna be a dog, what kind of a dog are you gonna be? Dogs that do as they're told and follow their impulse to seek the approval of others get food and pets and a warm bed. Dogs that escape into the wilderness and go feral, following their impulse to explore and be free, will often be cold and hungry and lonely, but will remain unmolested. But the dog who constantly whines and barks, doesn't listen to commands, and shits on the carpet? That dog gets dragged out back and shot.

And the annoyingly difficult position I'm in is that I've tried so many times, and in so many ways, to get you to change. I've tried setting a good example. I've tried gentle nudges. I've tried joking about it. I've tried being direct. And I like you as a person, and enjoy spending time with you when it is good. We have a history, and you've been there for me in the past, and I want to respect that. We're similar in a lot of ways, we think similarly, we've had a lot of the same challenges, and I want to see you succeed. But one after another, you've made yourself persona non grata to my social circles. It reflects badly on me when they know I'm still hanging out with you, and I'm tired of being nervous when you meet new friends of mine because I'm worried you'll do something that will reflect poorly on me with them as well. And at this point, everyone I know either doesn't know you, or knows you and doesn't like you, or else is neutral but frequently spends time with people who don't like you. So really, the only time I could spend hanging out with you would be one on one, but I can't imagine now that that would be enjoyable for either of us anymore. So at the end of the day, I just can't be your friend anymore.

And I wish I could tell you all this. I wish you'd accept it, and maybe it would be painful, but it would help you grow as a person and be better in the future. But I've tried that before, and all that happened was that you denied everything and lashed out and blamed everyone else for your problems. And I know for a fact that radio silence will be a softer blow than an explicit rejection, and is less likely to send you into a spiral of depression and suicidal ideation. So that's it. A silent goodbye.

/vent

[Adrizzle]

Hey dawg I’ve been enjoying ya updates really free man living.

real progress with my social anxiety

You wrote down the purpose of social connections is to know and be known. Your goal seems to be feeling free from social anxiety or nerves(please correct me if wrong). To me this doesn’t seem like the real end goal, like how people say they want to be millionaires but if you drill down they want financial security/nice shit etc. Do you know what getting to your end goal with the social looks like?

From my own experience I used to be a photographer shooting events. I would get mad fucking nerves before any event, sometimes it would be a little bit and sometimes it would be a full on “what the fuck are you fucking doing you can’t do this cunt, why would people pay you to take photos”. Over time the nerves greatly reduced but the real change was over time I started reframing the feelings of nervousness to excitement and I had the real world proof that I was a good at it and people did want to pay me for photos.

You’d have got here anyway but I think it’s better/ practical/ more real to pursue the resilience over seeking not being something. We can control our actions, feelings come and go


Also soz about your mate. You should just send him what you wrote out

[Svadhishthana]

Do you know what getting to your end goal with the social looks like?

That's a good question, and is kind of what I've been trying to figure out. And the problem is that just before I typed this sentence, I spent 5 minutes staring into space, thinking of one thing, and then another. So I'll admit that my stated goal, at the moment, is something of a hack. It fit into the analogue I was working with at the time, and I shoved it in there so that I could start working on it and then maybe circle back in time and update it with better information.

But I'll try to clarify the analogy - if we think of an individual social interaction as a game, what constitutes winning that game? My answer was that the winning condition was connection - knowing the other and being known. This creates a nominal target in the outside world which can then drive tangential progress - ie, overcoming insecurities / becoming resilient to rejection. By defining this nominal target, I have an overarching objective to work towards, which will require me to make improvements in the necessary constituent skills and which will have a larger spillover into a general improved sense of well being.

What do I really want? I want to completely be my unencumbered self with no fear, ever. And I also want everyone to like me all the time and give me everything I want. Oh, and a pony would be nice, too! That's my basic desire. Trying to square it with reality is the trick, at which point I dive into the endless well of trying to find truth, meaning, and happiness in an all too fleeting life. At which point it becomes pretty obvious I am indulging in excess philosophizing, rather than making any progress towards any sort of improvement. If you're lost, staring at the clouds usually doesn't help you get home. At least walking in the wrong direction gives you a map of the territory.

[Svadhishthana]

Writing that rant yesterday took a lot of time. Wrote a short goodbye message to my friend, and blocked him on everything. But at least it's out of my head now.

Got a kb workout in, improved the new shelves in my van, then got out to the crag. By the time I got there, the day was almost over. I'd wanted to get some more leads in since mental game - going for it and keeping it together under pressure - is my biggest weakness in climbing right now, but the route my friends were on was 5.11- - harder than anything I've ever led on gear. So I toproped it and got to the chains solidly, if a bit pumped. M's words echo in my mind - "you're a coward for not leading it." And he's right. The gear is solid and plentiful. I can plug a piece at my hip whenever I want. I just feel nervous about putting gear in parallel cracks, and placing gear when I don't have a good stance. After I "warmed up" on the 11-, we managed to hang a toprope on a mega classic 12- just next to it, and took turns getting spanked trying to make moves with paddlehands and ringlocks while crushing our poor toes into a crack barely wide enough to wiggle them in. As I hung on the rope for the nth time, I remembered what I'd been reading in TRWW - climbing the route is not about sending. It is about gaining personal power - practicing focusing your attention and gaining knowledge in the experience. And so I tried to learn - accepting the pain of crushed toes and ringlocks, seeing how hard I can pull on such insecure and painful climbing, how long I can stay on even though it feels like I am about to peel off, figuring out why I am barn dooring and coming off.

Back at camp, I decided that now that it was April, I should probably get around to starting my taxes - in particular the personal property declaration I was dreading to fill out for my Airbnb. To my elation, when I read the paperwork I found that I only needed to file the form if I had in excess of $52,000 in personal property as part of the business, and I'm not even close. Whoop whoop!

Not exactly the day I was expecting. But my subconscious was right. I started cleaning up my van, and then ended up cleaning up my life.

In my last few posts I talked about the goals I set. And a lot of them depend on putting in consistent effort over the long term, but only really need a little time each day. Lifting, Spanish, guitar, meditation. And while I could make any of these take up hours of my day, doing the littlest bit regularly is probably the best way to start. And based on what I wrote, these things should all be taken care of quickly and efficiently so I can get on to my more important and audacious goals - tackling my insecurities and climbing hard. But for the past several months now, I've only gotten around to starting to work on my insecurities or climbing at maybe 11am at the earliest. I am very commonly the last person to leave camp, then I get to the crag late and don't get very many pitches in at all.

So I think the goal should be to kind of stick with my current format, which has been working well for a while, without adding anything. Instead, to keep applying nonjudgemental observation to it, and modifying and improving it until I am leaving camp at the same time as my friends.

[Svadhishthana]

Yesterday was better in that I got out far earlier than before. Still not anywhere close to being on time - but better. Meditated, Duolingo, posted here, kb workout, hangboard workout, did a bit of troubleshooting on a parasitic power drain in my van, got to the crag.

Performance at the crag was pretty mid. Led a 5.10 to warm up, which was good since more than anything I just need to get more leads in. But then didn't nut up and lead the 5.11+ project. Instead, I proceeded to get it clean on top rope. From the perspective of making progress on the project, this is good - last time I was pumped out of my mind by the last quarter of the route and flailed at the moves to clip the chains. But from the perspective of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and towards knowledge, it was a failure. I knew the gear was good, and I knew the route was cruiser up to about halfway, making all falls clean and safe. I didn't lead just because of my own irrational fear of falling on gear in parallel cracks. And yet, this is where learning takes place. Even if my performance hasn't been perfect, and I freaked out and built a cam nest before taking with a piece at my waist, it would have been real progress in pushing my comfort zone, and I should remember that going forward. I have in my mind a sort of old school hard man mentality that taking is for pussies - if it's a clean fall with good gear, just go for it and take the whip. When in doubt, run it out. But I should remember not to let the perfect become the enemy of the good. If I am currently not even getting off the ground on routes at my limit, then leading up and then taking is good. Taking fat whips can come later.

Social performance was also pretty mid. I had a good time and was fairly talkative among my group, but didn't go out of my way to meet others who came by or strike up conversations with them. I did give some beta to a couple photographers there to shoot a pro climber who was about to cruise my project, so that was good. But again, I never really pushed my comfort zone, so not an especially good performance.

Back at camp, a few of us start getting messages on IG - apparently the other guy in our group who'd ridden a dirt bike to the crag had got lost on the way back, and had ridden a random dirt road far into the desert until his bike had died - most likely from a fouled carb. He'd managed to hitchhike to somewhere with just enough service to get a couple texts out to his not-girlfriend in NY so she'd ask us to go rescue him. So since I have a motorcycle rack on the back of my van, I batten down the hatches and drive off to rescue the bike, and proceed to damn near hit a deer in the last flickers of twilight on the way there.

Finally got back to camp and played a few rounds of poker with friends. It's funny how betting chips that are only worth a penny or two still feels super nerve wracking when there's a "big pot" on the line.

One thing on my mind has been my grooming. Out here in the desert, there's not exactly a fully equipped wash room on every corner. And my van doesn't have a shower, nor the water capacity to host one. Since I know I'm a lot more confident when know I look and smell good, sorting this out would be ideal. In the long term, mounting solar shower PVCs on top of the van is probably the move, along with piecing together a compact kit for taking full showers. But in the meantime, I think a pretty good stopgap would just be to establish a good method for taking sponge baths. Requirements would be: fast and efficient, so this isn't an hours long process, and can instead be done every day; low water usage, so I'm not constantly running out of water; can be done inside the van, where ambient temperature can be kept warm enough to make the process not miserable; implements stay clean enough to be used continuously while off-grid.

Today is super windy - 50mph gusts - so no climbing anyway. Might use the time to figure out this system.

[Adrizzle]

I want to completely be my unencumbered self with no fear, ever. And I also want everyone to like me all the time and give me everything I want. Oh, and a pony would be nice, too! That's my basic desire. Trying to square it with reality is the trick

you get what I mean. Somewhere in the pursuit of these wild unrealistic goals you find it. Andy has some good stuff on letting go

Also as if you don’t have a motorcycle to throw on the back of ya van! You defs are living adventures

[Svadhishthana]

@Adrizzle Thanks! Yeah, I intentionally made adventuring a focus of my life a long time ago. At the end of the day, the heart of it is a pursuit of personal growth through facing my fears. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that that is the goal.

=========================

Yesterday wasn't great.

Windy as fuck in the morning. Felt like Dorothy. So a few of us went for a quick trip down to see some canyons like tourists. Did a quick hike, but I was feeling kind of out of it and unmotivated. I realize now that this was because I had passively ended up there - I'd simply jumped in the car when my friends said they were going out to do something instead of actively considering if this was really what I wanted to do. I then failed to take responsibility and gather information about the constraints of the situation I found myself in, and therefore was unable to consider how I might best enjoy the situation. The tip off should have been right at the beginning, when I felt rushed to make a decision to go or not go - I should have refused to be rushed and asked exactly what the plan was, and made my decision from there. Instead, I spent the morning feeling the vague malcontent of being a passive observer in my life - I should remember this feeling, so I can notice it in the future and use it as a reminder to be the active leader of my life.

While out, I learned that a couple members of the party were planning on climbing on the way back. Based on how windy it was at camp, I'd considered this idea foolish and out of the question. It was only after returning to camp that I realized I was the one who'd been foolish. I'd assumed the weather at the crag would be the same as at camp, but I had plenty of time to see that this was not the case. Sure, there was a bit of gustiness, but the climbing was below the canyon rim and was sheltered from much of the wind - it would probably have been great climbing conditions in the sun, with just enough wind to stay cool. In contrast, camp was above the canyon rim on the high plains where the wind was free to rip. Instead of allowing myself to see the present moment - at which point I could have made plans to grab my gear at camp and return to climb with my friends - I stuck to the idea that it was definitely too windy to get out, and spent the day hiding in my van doing not a whole lot.

So yeah, spent the day reading a bit, grooming myself a bit, troubleshooting my vans parasitic power draw a bit, meditating a bit.... But not being terribly productive.

Snow fell last night, and more in the forecast for this afternoon. So almost certainly no rocks today. But regardless, I'll make sure to be more productive.

[Antonio44]

I didn't lead just because of my own irrational fear of falling on gear in parallel cracks

For this fear - I found what helped a lot to build confidence on placing gear was actually weighing the gear. Like, "french free", or soft aid climbing. You don't "need" to be taking massive whippers.

To climb 5.13a, I need to be able to, at minimum, boulder V5. And ideally, V7. This is quite a leap for me, since I'm not much of a boulderer - I think my hardest sends are V4 or 5 outside, and V4 on the moonboard. But since I've never done much bouldering, hopefully I'll also progress quickly.

Another option is projecting hard sport climbs. Working sport climbs high above my grade is essentially bouldering - I would probably never actually send, but working moves between bolts would train me in doing harder moves, without the risks of hitting the ground that come with bouldering.

Bouldering is def a good way forward - if you're worried about the falls, not everything has to be a highball. I dunno how technical a climber you are, but I really like the book "Self Coached Climber" by Doug Hunter, it really helped me improve my positioning and movement efficiency. At the time I was struggling around trying to use brute force to overpower V4s, and it taught me to use my body a lot better and not just the biceps!

Not too knowledgeable on US grades but if you are leading mid 5.12 already I reckon you should be strong enough to do some v7s or so with good technique - breaking it down move by move and thinking how to initiate the movements.

It will require sending a 5.13a - three grades harder than I have ever sent - and a 15 pitch 5.12d. If I'm able to do this, it will put me at the cusp of truly hard climbing at the widely recognized 5.13b/8a grade. This amount of skill will allow me to access huge amounts of new terrain, and will give me status among my peers, which will lend me more opportunities to get laid with the hot climber chicks.

This sounds pretty epic.

You should remember - you are already high status cos you got what all climbers want but hardly any of them (especially the pros!) have - enough money to have freedom.

[Svadhishthana]

For this fear - I found what helped a lot to build confidence on placing gear was actually weighing the gear. Like, "french free", or soft aid climbing. You don't "need" to be taking massive whippers.

It's funny because I'm quite confident in my placements in cracks with constrictions - especially granite. I'm one of the few climbers I know who instinctively reach for nuts. I've been dealing with head game issues for the past few months, but this is more prominent simply because of the style of climbing. Not only do I not have constrictions where I can slam a piece in that I *know* is absolutely bomber, but I also know I probably won't be getting many restful stances to place from. So the pump clock is ticking before, during, and after the placement. But you definitely make a good point - simply hanging on gear should be good for me, as long as I don't get into the habit long term.

Bouldering is def a good way forward - if you're worried about the falls, not everything has to be a highball. I dunno how technical a climber you are, but I really like the book "Self Coached Climber" by Doug Hunter

I'm not necessarily concerned about highballs - I can assess risk and just walk away. Issue is that even with fairly pedestrian boulders, there is still the possibility of having a bad fall that twists an ankle and significantly hinders your training as you recover. I will still boulder, but I think it's useful for me to have an alternative strategy of working on routes high above my grade as well - my friends and I have deemed this "multipitch bouldering" - where you just bolt to bolt a really hard route. After all, there is nothing special about topping out a boulder or sending a sport route as far as improving your climbing - from a learning and physiological adaptation standpoint, a 15 foot link on a route you try very hard on and topping out a 15' tall boulder are the same.

And I read the SCC many years ago. Also read the RCTM, 9/10, TFTNA, and Logical Progression. I think one of the best resources for new climbers to learn movement skills are the Niel Gresham Masterclass videos. I ran RCTM for two cycles (omg, so boring), and ran a Power Company plan for a cycle (far less boring, but too geared towards 9-5ers with a gym membership - eg, Red River weekend warriors). Considering how much I've read and trained, I really should be better. My failure to progress faster is probably more a lack of innate athleticism than anything else - I sat on my ass watching TV and being depressed as a kid, rather than running around and learning how to use my body properly - and this failure to move properly early in my climbing career resulted in a lot of chronic overuse injuries. However, I've spent the last 6 or so years strength training, learning about movement patterns, injury recovery, and the psychology of overuse injuries, so that is no excuse for me anymore.

But still, jumping this many grades this quickly is stupidly audacious. My justification is that I actually have quite a number of gaps that I could fill in training and performance in order to make it happen. The funny thing is, many of these problems aren't talked about in any training book. I've been working on my own training program I want to give to new climbers (which is now approaching book length) which focuses on these problems, because I see them so commonly.

- I don't climb enough. I let life get in the way of showing up at the crag or the gym too often. When a minor obstacle crops up, it is often my plans to climb that are dropped first. Or more often, when I anticipate being busy and stressed, I make vague plans to climb where no one will be too dependent on me so I can bail if I am too busy and stressed - but then because I have the out, I don't work hard or efficient enough beforehand to ensure I have the time to get out and climb.
- I don't climb enough. On days when I do get out to climb, I tend to get out late. My morning routine is inefficient, I am not packed and prepared the night before, and I make lame excuses about conditions to delay getting to the crag too early. After doing a few routes, I complain that I am too tired, and call it a day quite early instead of putting more burns on the project or getting laps in for fitness.
- I don't intentionally practice enough. I often show up to the crag and - antsy to make up for lost time - immediately pull onto the project for a send go. While this sometimes worked, it means I never spend much time practicing movement skills intentionally, which could easily be accomplished by getting to the crag a bit earlier and doing 1-3 warm up routes. I noticed long ago that I had my best training sessions after a prolonged warm up where I focused on 1 of 3 things: taking deep, calm controlled breathes; completely relaxing my body as much as possible while staying on the wall, and paying intimate attention to the sensations in my hands and feet; climbing slowly while paying intimate attention to my hip positioning, and experimenting with touching my pelvis to the wall in each position. If I did these things consistently as part of a good warm up, I would probably progress rapidly without hardly even trying.
- I am not a leader in my own life. I fail to research crags that my group is going to beforehand, and then am unprepared on arrival. I don't know what the climbs are or where they are on the wall, or what I might want to project or warm up on. When someone else makes a suggestion, I follow that suggestion uncritically, rather than thinking about my goals for the day and if that suggestion fits those goals. I don't communicate my goals to my group, so even if they wanted to, they couldn't possibly support me.
- I am afraid of falling, even in clearly safe situations. This drains attention away from the task at hand - climbing.
- I do not try hard enough. I am too prone to taking when I am pumped with a bolt at my waist. Often when I do go for it, I am not fully committed to the action, and my fingers will impotently slide off a hold I was reaching for, rather than latching it. After putting an onsight burn on a relatively difficult climb, I will say I am too tired to try it again that day, and will give up rather than being open to the possibility of sending that day. I avoid pulling on routes which are at the edge of, or beyond, my abilities unless a stronger friend has already put it up on top rope.
- I do not try hard enough. When a logistical obstacle crops up, I am prone to give up and suggest calling it a day instead of looking for solutions.

Almost all of these are problems of the mind. I certainly would benefit from more strength and fitness. Improved endurance and recovery capacity right now are probably my lowest hanging fruit physiologically. But hangboarding and strength training are punch-the-clock improvements - trying to rush them usually results in injury or performance penalties. Improved endurance is gained simply by going out and climbing *more*. But the problems I outlined above have no physiological limiters on how quickly I can improve them. By focusing on improving these things first, my endurance and movement skills will also increase, and I should be able to tick a significant number of 12as, a reasonable number of 12bs, and a handful of 12cs, and either tick or put a good effort in on a 12d. Then next winter, I can lay siege to the target route.

I wrote before that I might benefit from hiring someone for coaching. This would mostly be a benefit for pointing out other movement skills I could improve on, and helping me parse out what physiological adaptations to work on in what order as I chase good weather.

For grades - a few months ago in Kalymnos, I came fairly close to onsighting several 7as - though I'm told Kalymnian grades are soft. My hardest send at yds 5.12b corresponds roughly to a European 7b. However, my hardest sends tend to fall into a middle ground between strength and endurance - series moderately difficult boulder problems separated by good/decent rests. My specialty, it seems, is milking rests and being patient enough to recover and get the send. Its difficult to translate that to boulder grades, because every bouldering area I frequent seems to have a reputation for being extremely sandbagged, so I'm looking forward to spending time in a more fairly graded area this month to get a better feel for my current grade.

You should remember - you are already high status cos you got what all climbers want but hardly any of them (especially the pros!) have - enough money to have freedom.

But more bigger number more gooder!

Yeah, I recognize that my biggest impediment to gaining more social freedom and getting more girls is in my head. I know a 5.10 climber who tears through hot chicks, and a 5.13 climber who is still a virgin. But I'm also not so blind as to not see that climbing harder gives you a lot more opportunities and leeway. I'm counting it as a bonus, not a requirement.

===========================

On a similar topic - yesterday turned out pretty good. Was cold as balls with snow flurries, so everyone spent the day in my van playing poker. Then in the late afternoon the sun came out, and I took the lead encouraging everyone to get out and rack up to go to the crag - just to check if the rock is dry, and to see if we could get just one pitch in. We show up and find that the rock is indeed dry, and while it is cold and windy, it is still decent enough weather to climb.

The bad weather had driven most of the crowds away, so I go to a super classic line. I guess I must have been giving off the right vibes, since my friends immediately assumed I'd be leading it. 5.10 #2s dihedral with a 15' 45° overhanging section in the middle. The route usually calls for 7-8 #2s and 1 #3, but we only had 6 #2s. But given the moderate grade, I said fuck it. However, some botched communication on the ground led me to believe I was saving the #3 for the top, when really I should have plugged it in the crux overhang. So I pull through the crux decently pumped, looking at 60 more feet of climbing with only 3 pieces of good pro left. I focus on my breathing, and on making sure my hands and feet are in very secure positions as I start running it out. I find some good rests, and use the opportunity to asses my previous placements and future stances while calming my breathing. I remember the advice given to me by one of my early mentors - always keep two good pieces between you and the ground - and run it out as much as possible while still following this rule. I experience a few moments of hesitation - thinking maybe I'm too pumped and I should take so as to not take a big fall - but calm down and notice that I actually had plenty of reserve, and kept plugging away until - 20' or so above my last piece - I manage to clip the chains.

So the day was good in that I motivated to get out, led my own life towards what I wanted, and got good mileage in out of my comfort zone.

Today is better weather, so hoping to improve on my performance the day before.

[Svadhishthana]

Yesterday was good.

Meditated, Duolingo, kbs, and got everything done a bit faster and earlier than usual. Unfortunately, I needed to update my airbnb's prices, for which I needed internet better than what my phone hotspot could provide. So, ripped into town, did that, and got to the crag at mid afternoon.

Found my crew and immediately got them to agree to lend me a rope and a belay to put up a 10+ for my warm up - a thin hands slabby dihedral. Got a bit gripped a few times, but kept my head together and focused on making all my jams as secure as possible until I clipped the chains.

Then jumped on a tr my friend had put up. An absolutely ungodly hard overhanging #5 and 6 crack. Flailed like a motherfucker and barely made it a few feet off the deck, but goddamn is kicking up and hanging upsidedown from your feet cool!

At this point we were running out of light fast, but I still had something in mind - a striking 11- I'd seen the first time I'd arrived at this crag. Some of my friends already have a toprope set up, but I ask them to pull the rope, and run around borrowing a few more #1s. I rack up, tie in, and pull on - nervous because I know this is far above my onsight pay grade. The initial moves don't help my nerves much either - not difficult, but I place a series of #2s behind a hallow sounding flake. In this relatively soft sandstone, I'm wary of falling on them and having the flake explode. Moving above the flake, I get a textbook #4 placement - but this also means I must navigate a funky and insecure section of #4 crack - I start doubting that this was a good idea, but see the crack narrows just ahead. One more move gets me an okay #3 in a bottoming flare, and another gets me a perfect #1 placement in good rock. At this point I'm flamed and my nerves are shot, so I take on the #1. I can see that I'm at the rest position just before the crux begins - a slightly offset #1 crack, which then cut right at a 45° angle as it pinched down to #.75 . I start moving up, none too heroically, making a move or two to place a new high piece, clipping it, and weighting it. The crack pinches down more as I get higher. I place my only #.5 and hang on it, looking at the crux hero move - a big reach to leave the crack and grab a slabby arete, followed by pressing out a mantel on the arete to clip the chains. My heart rate increases at the thought, but I look at the gear I have in - 1 #.5, 4 #.75s, 4 #1s, all textbook. Clean fall, plenty of space above the ground. So I pull on and work my left hand as far up and right into the crack as possible, then fire for the arete with my left. I catch it, and it is positive. With two good hands, I cut feet and swing into a heel hook on the arete. Without an abundance of grace, I roll over the mantle and flop onto the arete, breathing hard before I step over and clip the chains.

Not a particularly stylish ascent, but what I needed. Practicing committing to leading climbs at my limit. Practicing trusting my placements by weighting them. Practicing making moves that might result in falls above good gear.

[Svadhishthana]

Not much to say about yesterday. Was stoked to get out climbing again the day before, but in the morning my upper back was super sore and I was still tired after sleeping for 10 hours. The group was pretty stoked on taking a rest day, too, to watch the eclipse and do drugs. I did a tiny bit of mushrooms and hung out, but just kind of felt antsy all day that I should be doing something more productive.

It occurs to me that I did kind of flub it yesterday. It was a lot of social time, and one of my main goals is to push myself socially, and yet I stayed in my comfort zone the whole time. I should make a list of things I'd be uncomfortable sharing with people I'm familiar with (which would be beneficial to share) and outline hypothetical scenarios where I actually do it. More planning like this usually helps me overcome procrastination and hesitation. Or, more realistically, spending more time dwelling on something makes me more likely to actually take action.

Last day climbing in the desert for this trip is today. Let's make it count.

[Svadhishthana]

Real good day yesterday.

I knew it was gonna be my last day climbing in the area this season, and wanted to really try as hard as I could on something.

After days of cool temps, the group was stoked to climb in the sun and be warm for once. We headed to a crag I'd been to a couple times before on this trip, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. The climb the crag was named after is a striking 11- thin hands crack which I'd gotten clean on top rope the last time I'd been there. I wasn't sure I'd actually send, but knew it would be a battle either way.

I show up at the crag and toprope a 5.10 a friend put up, focusing on taking long, deep breaths and paying meticulous attention to how my body felt the whole way up, relaxing my way up the climb. Then I bummed some cams, and arranged to have a rope, and headed over to the proj.

On my first burn I slam cams in at every opportunity. This takes up a lot of time, and increases my pump as I hang on bad jams to place my pieces. By the time I get to the crux, I'm absolutely spent, and take when the crack gets too small to wiggle a good foot jam in. After hanging on the rope and depumping, I manage to shakily pull the crux, and place more cams. A few moves higher, I have to take again simply due to pump, then continue up and clip the chains. I lower off, thinking that sending today is pretty improbable. My partner - a stronger climber than I, but feeling worked from an acid trip the day before, gives it a burn and also peels off at the crux. I tell him to leave the rope up, and run up the route on toprope to figure out beta. I spend some time playing with a rest stance just before the crux, then unlock some beta for the crux where I hike feet and layback instead of jamming straight in. I get the toprope burn clean, then lower down and practice the crux moves one more time. Then rest for maybe two hours while some friends and friends of friends put some burns on it.

The sun is getting low in the sky at this point. The route has gone into the shade, temps are dropping, and the breeze is becoming a bit quicker. I know it's now or never. I take my tape gloves off. I'm usually not such an experienced crack climber to forego protecting the backs of my hands on such rough rock. But this is my last burn of the trip, and if I tear up the backs of my hands so they're bloody and scabby, it won't impact my ability to climb - and making my hands just one millimeter thinner, I'm hoping, will let me wiggle them into the thin crack just a bit deeper and improve my odds of sending. I pull on, feeling a bit naked without my gloves as I slot my hands into the initial pods, trying to stay relaxed and focused on breathing and moving efficiently. I make a few minor mistakes in the opening moves, but keep moving and establish myself at the rest before the crux. I calm my breathing, place a piece high, and think through the beta I'd rehearsed, then launch into it. Thumb meat jam, thumb meat jam, wiggle in a terrible shallow foot jam, then thumbs up paddle hand with the left. Move into a layback - fuck, I'm committed now - and hike feet high to stand on a mini arch in the crack, bumping the right hand higher and higher. As I stand up, I realize with a bit of panic that my right hand is too pumped to hang on long enough to place a piece - but I know the crack gets wider and the jams get easier just a little higher. I make one more move up and my right hand sinks in to my wrist - thank god - and I can place a piece at my hip and get a few shakes. I'm through the crux, but it's not over yet - I still have 25 feet of pumpy jamming until I get to rest. I try to focus on my breathing and keep moving up, finding marginally restful positions as I go to place gear and get a few shakes in. Several times I have my foot almost blow out of the polished crack. Once my hands almost slip out and I say "oh fuck!" before I barely catch myself and pull back in. Each time I make a move, I have a surreal feeling that I definitely should have fallen off already, but there I am - feet still shoved in, forearms still screaming with pump. But as I get higher and higher, the crack widens, I shove my hands in deeper, and I start feeling like I could actually pull it off. I sigh with relief as I sink my hand into a wide construction below a chockstone where I can hang on my bones, marking the end of the difficult climbing. Pumped silly and still aware that I could blow my send with a careless mistake, I make the final 5.9 moves up and clip the chains to the cheers of my friends below me.

I'm very happy about this. Partly because I sent - I got my first real 5.11 on gear. But also because I pushed myself. I committed to making moves above my gear, I stayed focused under pressure, and I committed and tried my hardest to stay on and keep going, even when I fucked up and blew feet and almost hands several times.

Ended the day with some beers around the campfire, hanging with the crew, and eating bean and slow cooked pork shoulder burritos.

[Svadhishthana]

Been gone out of regular service for a few days in canyon country. Was supposed to be headed back to Denver by now, but I was enticed to spend one more week in the desert bouldering. The place we're at is known to have fair grades and lots of options, so this will be a good way to figure out what my actual boulder grade is.

Unfortunately yesterday I fucked up pretty bad. I failed to tighten the ratchet straps on my motorcycle enough, and it ended up shaking loose from the rack on the back of my van. Then I failed to notice it as I drove for a couple miles down the road. By the time a kind motorist flagged me down, I'd ground a hole through the gas tank big enough to put my fist through, and left a trail of fire behind me. Umm.... Whoops. Such a dumb mistake. No more bike for now, at least. But luckily the damage was pretty centralized, and I think I can fix it with *a lot* of elbow grease. So a stupid mistake will result in me learning a lot more about how my bike works - if I'm looking on the bright side. But I had a couple sadness beers last night anyway to mourn my idiocy.