Part 2: During and After
I wake up late, and make myself a pot of coffee and a protein shake to wake up, and sit in the morning sunlight slowly sipping my concoction, brooding slightly about how I probably should have put on sunscreen before sitting in the sun like this - at my age, it is time to start taking skin care seriously... but my sunscreen is 100 feet away, and my coffee is here in front of me right now. I walk to the bathroom and take a shit, prolonged by doing the crossword, then head over to my car. I put on sunscreen finally, grab my meditation blanket, and walk into the jungle away from camp to find my meditation spot. It's a good day - the sun is shining down, and I take off my shirt before setting the timer on my phone for an hour and closing my eyes. After an hour of feeling my body make micro adjustments, feeling the wind on my skin, noticing mosquitos landing on my cheeks and focusing on the supreme irritation of itches I choose not to scratch, my alarm goes off. I check that I have received no urgent messages, reverse my cross legged posture, then set the timer again and close my eyes.
After 2 hours, I feel a strange feeling. A bit like after a good workout... but with my brain. I feel good, but drained and tired, so I go to my car and lay down in bed. But after so long not thinking, my brain is charged for it, and so napping or resting won't do, and I end up jerking off instead. Now feeling bad that it is so late and that I have accomplished so little, I get a kettlebell workout in - Its been a while since I've trained with kettlebells, and my progress is rapid and linear, which makes me happy. A bit tired after the workout, I go to cook breakfast.... at 1pm. After an hour of cooking and eating, I figure I should actually go out and climb something. After all, climbing is what I'm *supposed* to be here for. At this point, everyone has already paired up and headed for the crag. But I know how to handle this. I sling my pack on my back - rope, draws, water, harness, headlamp - and hike into the canyon alone. Every climber I pass, I say hello, and ask if I can join them or get a belay, and eventually someone smiles at my awkward forwardness and tells me that they are actually in a team of three and would love a fourth.
I get one, two, maybe three pitches in, and head back to camp. I hit up my friend M from back home, who is camping and climbing down here with me, and see about dinner. We cook up some good meat from the carnicería, some veggies, and fresh tortillas. He sprays me down about the climbs he did that day - he's always climbing the hard shit. Strikes up friendly conversations with his new friends around camp who are also projecting the hard shit. We crack some beers and he asks me "so what'd you get on today"? I tell him about the small volume of moderate routes I ran up, and he gives me shit. "Dude, when are you gonna stop fucking around on this easy shit? You said you wanna send Conflict this season - go fucking pull on it!" I brush aside his admonitions - I'm building a base, I say. Nevermind that I've just been sitting on my ass most of the day instead of actually doing anything.
I go to bed early, telling myself I value my sleep. But more often than not, I pull up Netflix or some other such nonsense. I wake up the next morning feeling tired and kind of shitty, wondering - what am I doing? If I am actually trying to relax and rest, then I should relax and rest: stop drinking, stop pushing hard physically, go to bed early, spend even more time meditating. And if I am trying to build and push myself, then I should do that - wake up early, knock out all my chores and grooming and life maintenance, have goals and checklists and schedules. But for some reason I'm wallowing in the middle. Maybe that's okay? For now? How long is now going to be? What day is it... I swear I've done this before.
================================
It's the first party of the season. A friend of mine in the community is paying for his camping at our rival campground by periodically being a DJ there. I suit up, grooming myself as well as I can in the hopes that I can snag a girl, and M and I walk through the arroyo to the other camp. I'm trying not to drink tonight. Half trying to use tonight as an opportunity to push against my social anxiety - meeting people, dancing, hitting on girls. But then I wonder if trying too hard is the wrong path, and if instead I should just show up and try to have fun.
I talk to some people. Meet some new people, though I can never remember names. Both M and I start talking to the same hot girl. She has a collection of thin line tattoos up and down her arms and works as the director of a nomadic elementary school for wealthy digital nomad parents. She seems interested in both of us...
This has happened before to M and I. He's the best role model for game I have in real life. He's certainly read some of the literature, but it seems like he comes by most of his game honestly - he's a natural who intentionally works his weaknesses. When we go for the same girl, he usually wins out, since he's more charismatic, more confident, has more of a bad boy vibe, and just plain has more experience with women. It's a real testament to the potential of having good game and how much improving yourself can work for you - since the only way I can win out over him is by brute force. He's about 5'7", while I'm 6'3". I can get girls despite being awkward as fuck because I'm tall. He's gotta work for it. The way I see it, competing with him for a girl is the best thing I can possibly do, since in the likely event that I lose the girl, I at least get to watch a master at work.
The girl we're currently chatting up has about 2" on him. But he's gradually winning her over. Probably because he's relaxed and doesn't give a fuck, while I'm all up in my head. Dancing starts, we have a good time. I actually don't feel too nervous tonight, and push my comfort zone a bit. Ink girl waves to another cute friend of hers who comes over - she's a climbing guide from Maine, down here for the season to save money. She takes a shine to me, so I leave M to the inked girl, and start chatting up the guide. We eventually go outside, go to her tent, smoke a joint... But I bitch out and only make a halfhearted attempt to escalate, before calling it a night and walking home empty handed. M, on the other hand, spent the night.
==============================
The season continues on in this vein. Indecisive, I fail to send much, and also fail to pull at all. Mainly I'm pleased with my progress meditating and lifting. I feel my attention sharpening up in my sits day by day. Meanwhile, I progress to using the 24kg kettlebell for all my swings and get ups. Occasionally there is a party, and I push myself to hit the dance floor and talk to people no matter how awkward I feel. I try to be proactive about walking up to strangers in camp and starting conversations. I'm hammering away at Duolingo each day, and look for opportunities to practice my spanish with the locals. A malaise, perhaps... but a somewhat productive one.
M, on the other hand, is killing it. He sends his first 5.13a - just one grade short of being a true hard man. And word on the street is that two ladies from our rival camp are conspiring to give him a 3-some blowjob. Somehow, he seems to be good friends with every cool person who shows up instantly. I'm a bit jealous, but it's hard to be pissed at him since he's always a good friend to me, too.
================================
Forecast is calling for a heat wave. No bueno para los escaladores. Heat makes you sweat, and sweat on your fingertips reduces friction with the rock. While the truly hardcore and those with deadlines will endure the poor conditions, we resident gringos feel no need to punish ourselves climbing in the heat.
But the crew at our rival camp comes up with a novel idea. One of the crags has a bunch of barbeque pits at the base. Why not have a cook out and a party in the evening, and get some pitches in when it is cooler after the sun sets?
M heads over earlier, bringing marg ingredients. I head over an hour later after snagging some chicken to throw on the grill from the carnicería. When I show up, the party is already starting to heat up. A shit ton of meat on the grill and a giant bowl of guac. A bonfire going. Music pumping from a Bluetooth speaker. I make myself a marg and throw my chicken on the fire and start to mingle, feeling good. I chat with one of the first ascentionists in the area, angling for him to show me how to establish new routes. Talk with some old friends. Meet some new people and spray them with beta. Introduce myself to a few cute girls. It gets properly dark and someone gets out a portable disco ball, starting the dance party. I jam for a few songs, then sit down on the blankets where M and his polyamorous camp crush, K, are hanging with a few others. I hang long enough to catch my breath, then go to make myself another marg.
The party goes on like this for a while. I get sucked into a discussion about gender expectations and politics with a female-presenting enby, and we're enjoying discussing the finer points when I hear someone scream from the other end of the crag.
NO! NO!
I hear a loud, dull thud, and the scream changes.
CALL 911! SOMEONE CALL 911!
I sprint over to see what I can do, and am stopped in my tracks when my headlamp falls on a climber spread eagle on the ground. There is blood trickling down his forehead, and his skin is pasty. His eyes are open and glassy, and his breaths are rough and shallow. His face looks kind of familiar. I freeze. My WFR cert is about 10 years out of date. I'm trying to remember what I'm supposed to do first, when several others arrive, clearly more up to date on their emergency medicine. I try to be as helpful as possible by getting out of their way and working on crowd management, telling others at the party to pack it up and leave if they aren't EMS trained. We start gathering supplies to make an impromptu litter in case we need to carry the victim to the road. I look over at the victim, where the other first responders are performing CPR, and notice he has a familiar knee tattoo. I think I must have seen this guy walking around camp at some point...
I'm waiting at the ready to join a litter team if needed when M's camp crush wanders over to the scene crying hysterically. I go over to her to get her out of the area - being hysterical isn't going to help anyone here. I wonder why M isn't with her as I hug her and lead her away, listening to her crying, when it clicks. My friend M is the climber on the ground, on the edge of death. I didn't recognize him because I didn't believe it. Things like this don't happen to people I know.
My adrenaline spikes, but I stay focused. I give K to some other climbers and tell them to get her away from the scene. I return and stand ready, out of the way but primed to do whatever was needed as I watched my friend fight for his life. The first responders are cycling through people to give CPR, and I jump in, performing chest compressions when another climber tags out. I focus on pushing to proper depth, and keeping rhythm as the other first responders sing Staying Alive. I watch his face, hoping to see any sign of life, and talk to him like so many times before when I held his rope on a hard lead. "C'mon, M. C'mon. You can do it. C'mon M. C'mon M." I keep going until someone tells me to tag out. I step back, and watch as another keeps the compressions going. I stand and watch, silently encouraging my friend to keep going.
An ambulance arrives later. How much later, I have no idea - but far too late for my taste. The EMT arrives at the scene and asks a few questions to the most senior first responder at the scene. He quickly takes some vitals, before taking a clipboard out of his bag and declaring my friend dead. Gravity seems to double on me. My adrenaline is still pumping. A list of things to do now gradually unfolds. We need contact info for his family. I need to answer some questions for the EMT. As the person who knew him best here, I would need to wait for the coroner to arrive from the big city an hour away - and on a Mexican schedule, that would take several hours. I go out to the road, where the last few climbers - mostly the experienced first responders and fluent Spanish speakers - are discussing what to do now. I have my marching orders - wait for the coroner.
I make a quick trip back to camp to get my car, and drive it up to the crag. I break out my jet boil, and make a pot of coffee. It is just K and I now, waiting together on a cool Mexican night. We sip the coffee together, sitting next to each other on the sidewalk. Sometimes talking. Sometimes hugging as she cries. But mostly just staring into the darkness silently.
The coroner arrives in the wee hours of the morning, and we give our statements. We keep our vigil until the officials load the body into a van and drive away.
I return to camp and retrieve my phone from the wall charger I'd left it on hours ago. I see the torrent of messages on it, and return to my car, dreading what I know I have to do. Sitting alone in my bed, I hesitate for a moment. I could put it off. Lay down. Try to sleep a bit. But I know it's not right to them to put this off for any longer. I pick out most recent Facebook message I got and start a call to M's family. They pick up immediately. They want to know if it is true, and I tell them, yeah, it's true. I was there. I'd maintained my composure the whole night, but as I recounted what happened that night to his family on the phone, I couldn't keep it together anymore and I started bawling. I'm sure they could only understand half of what I said while I tried to keep talking as I cried. When I hung up, I looked out the windows of my car and saw the sun had risen.
==============================
The good thing about having your friend die in Mexico is that nothing is easy. I spent the next few days coordinating with others to help his family to figure out what to do. How exactly does one repatriate a body? K and I searched every nook and cranny of his car for any illicit drugs that would give his family trouble at the border. Friends of M and I's rushed down from Denver to help me and his family, and together with other resident climbers we managed to help his family find a place to stay and navigate the mexican bureaucracy. We organized and staged a ceremony of remembrance, assisted by many of the local people and businesses. In the same week we organized an absolute rager of a party for him at one of his favorite restaurants. And each night, myself and all his close friends would gather around the camp chair he left outside his car and pound his favorite Mexican beer, or snort the ketamine he left behind.
Lots of crying and hugging, but always busy. Always something to do, and always someone to do it with. Thank God.
After a week, his family returned home. Our mutual friends also. And people asked me, as the friend of M, if I was going home too. I told them if I'm gonna be sad, I'd rather be warm and sad in Mexico than cold and sad in Denver.
But the real reason was that I had unfinished business. Because M had been right - I'd just spent the whole season fucking around, instead of actually trying and putting down some hard shit. I spent my remaining time taking down one hard route after another - drawing blood, making my elbows hurt, getting scared and taking big falls, and eventually clipping the chains on all the routes I'd told him I was going to send that season.
=============================
Back in Denver, we gave M one final send off. We had ceremony hosted by the climbing gym he worked at. At least 100 people attended - family, childhood friends, other climbers, skaters, his soccer team, former coworkers, and probably a couple lovers. And then we followed that with a little reception at one of my friend's houses - a reception complete with a nails hard climbing wall, heavy drinking, belting out karaoke, a mosh pit, vomiting in the back yard, and streaking down the street. A proper send off.
I loved that kid. And I miss him already.
===========================
One of the hardest things about all this is that I feel like I should be, in some way, changed by what happened. But I feel about the same. I was sad for a while and cried a lot. But now I'm feeling pretty alright. And the goals I had before are still the goals I have now. Because if I were to honor my friend's memory in the way I live, it would be like this - run towards fear, climb cool shit, fuck hot bitches, and have lots of fun.
Well alright, let's do it. But how?
Svadhishthana's log
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Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Spazdig
- Posts: 165 | Thanks: 36
- Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2020 9:01 pm
- Goal: Get Laid
- Age: 27
Thats sounds like quite an experience. Life is snatched away in an instant, every day. All their hopes, dreams, plans and goals disappears with that person also. Its up to you to carry the torch and fulfill your goals as he would have wanted you to. But also be grateful youve been gifted the time, and ability, to do them. It could all be over in a flash. Condolences about your friend.
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goldfish
- Posts: 229 | Thanks: 35
- Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2021 7:16 am
- Goal: Get Laid
- Age: 23
- Location: Britain's younger sister
I'm sorry for your loss man. I'm glad to see you're still pushing through and doing the things that you care about. Your friend would be proud of you.
Goals
- 9/10 lifetime lays
- Cut down to 70 kg
Achieved
- Lose virginity DONE OCT 2021
- 300 Lifetime Approaches (300/300) DONE AUG 2021
- Bulk and build muscle (68kg --> 82kg) DONE NOV 2022
- 9/10 lifetime lays
- Cut down to 70 kg
Achieved
- Lose virginity DONE OCT 2021
- 300 Lifetime Approaches (300/300) DONE AUG 2021
- Bulk and build muscle (68kg --> 82kg) DONE NOV 2022
-
Wnyhg
- Posts: 148 | Thanks: 85
- Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2023 7:05 pm
- Goal: Lose weight
- Age: 50
- Motto: The higher you climb the harder you fall.
I worked as a hospitalist before I retired. I must have pronounced hundreds of people and coded just as many. I’ve intubated people who crashed and were on the floor and those who threw an embolus right in front of me. It’s a sight to see someone turn blue and then red from the feet up the legs and arms.
The one I can’t get out of my head was an old lady whose husband was outside the door; I already knew they’d been together like 50 years but to be the one to give the news or for the nurse to come in with DNR paperwork, I don’t exactly remember how it happened.
The husband started volunteering at the hospital and obviously I was there all the time, I met him in an elevator and stood next to him and asked,” how are you doing?”. There’s like 7 people behind me looking at me thinking what the fuck and he responds by saying, “ you never get over it, you just learn to cope.” It most definitely shut me up.
Like you I had a close friend, probably closer since we travelled together to the Middle East. He died when I was in my second year of school. I never got a chance to say goodbye or see his body. That dad took a tailspin like I’ve never heard. It’s one reason I can’t be totally charismatic and too close to anyone anymore.
So I’m not going to give advice and I’m not going to provide books or podcasts.
I’m still stuck, you know?
I’m sorry for your loss. You just lost an accountability partner. A friend and a mentor. The perfect mate.
Guess what? You’re it. Go out and make him proud. Let his life lived not be in vain. I would keep close to his family as much as you can. Help them to help yourself or any way you feel positive.
The book I uploaded is only 38 pages. Please read it. If not anything else.
The one I can’t get out of my head was an old lady whose husband was outside the door; I already knew they’d been together like 50 years but to be the one to give the news or for the nurse to come in with DNR paperwork, I don’t exactly remember how it happened.
The husband started volunteering at the hospital and obviously I was there all the time, I met him in an elevator and stood next to him and asked,” how are you doing?”. There’s like 7 people behind me looking at me thinking what the fuck and he responds by saying, “ you never get over it, you just learn to cope.” It most definitely shut me up.
Like you I had a close friend, probably closer since we travelled together to the Middle East. He died when I was in my second year of school. I never got a chance to say goodbye or see his body. That dad took a tailspin like I’ve never heard. It’s one reason I can’t be totally charismatic and too close to anyone anymore.
So I’m not going to give advice and I’m not going to provide books or podcasts.
I’m still stuck, you know?
I’m sorry for your loss. You just lost an accountability partner. A friend and a mentor. The perfect mate.
Guess what? You’re it. Go out and make him proud. Let his life lived not be in vain. I would keep close to his family as much as you can. Help them to help yourself or any way you feel positive.
The book I uploaded is only 38 pages. Please read it. If not anything else.
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Part 3: Going Forward
My alarm clock blares in the darkness, and I awake to the salty smell and sticky humidity of the Aegean Sea. Fighting the urge to roll over in bed and nurse my hangover a bit longer, I stand up, flip the lights on, and put on the kettle to make a strong cup of Turkish coffee. I make one last sweep around the room of the Airbnb I've been staying in, then sling my backpack - small enough to count as a personal item on RyanAir and stuffed to the brim with only my absolute necessities - over my shoulder and walk out the door. M, two other friends, and I walk to the street to greet the taxi. The taxi driver, I can't help but think, seems oddly overdressed. Wearing a three piece suit, an excessive amount of jewelery, and a strong cologne, he looks more like a gangster than a taxi driver on a tropical island. But I guess that's just Greece for you.
We board the ferry as dawn breaks. Short on sleep and caffeine, I'm not very talkative. I stand on the deck and watch Kalymnos disappear behind us. Dolphins play in the ferry's wake as I stare at the horizon at other islands, barely visible through the morning haze. I look down over the railing and imagine what would happen if I fell overboard at this moment - hopefully someone would notice, and they'd pull me back aboard.... but if not, I'd likely tread water for about an hour, teeth chattering, before hypothermia set in.
It was a good trip. But I'm dissatisfied, and I begin to formulate why. I think of how what I really want, now that I have time, is to overcome my personal fears and insecurities. I spend about an hour like this, splitting my time between trying to figure out my life, and internally bemoaning my hangover + no sleep headache.
The ferry arrives on Kos, and the four of us grab our bags and head into the port town, wandering over to a small cafe to feed our caffeine addictions and pass the time before our flights. Facing down travelling half the Earth's circumference in discount airline seats and airport terminals, the conversation turns to book recommendations.
One of my friends makes a recommendation for improving our mental performance in climbing. The book is The Inner Game of Tennis. "All the experts on climbing performance say this is the book to read." He says, "Just, every time it says 'tennis', replace it with 'rock climbing'." We all laugh a bit at this, and I write down the name of the book. I get the audiobook version, and listen to it on the flight, liking what I hear. The book addresses a lot of problems I've had before, and seems to be a guide not just to improving at tennis, but improving at anything. And interestingly, as the book dives deeper and deeper into its philosophy, it becomes clear that this is actually essentially a Taoist treatise on life, viewed through the lense of tennis performance.
By the time I get to Mexico, I've obtained a physical copy so I can mark it up with a pen. It seems like the information I've been looking for, and I read through it twice, taking notes. I intend to try to parse out it's lessons, and then apply them in a few different domains - social anxiety, rock climbing, the daily grind of chores and habits, and the overarching path of living a good life.
By late January, I'd marked up the book and created a rather disorganized summary in my journal, and was intending to refine my summary and then contemplate how to apply the knowledge in my domains. But before I got around to it, I caught a stomach bug that put me on my ass for a week, and then my friends accident happened. But now seems like a good time to start that up again.
===================================
I think a big part of my angst and inaction is feeling like I don't really know what I want, what I should do, or what I should do first. The paradox of choice. The more options we have, the more we second guess ourselves, and the more likely we are to regret our decisions. Even now, I am feeling a sense of aversion writing these words, a desire to put it off and procrastinate, because they have the potential to commit me to a particular course of action. Hence why it has taken me a few days to come back and write this post.
Where do I want to be in 5 years? It's a good question. Where I want to be in 20 is even better. And I’ve written down the answer before. I have a lot of goals. In some ways, too many goals, and they all compete for my time and attention, pulling me in one direction and then the next as my mood strikes, and I am then pulled back again to my ur-goal - action without self flagellation.
And I think, where to start? At the foundations and principles? Or at the most obvious, immediate, simple action? To endlessly chace the immediate is worst than hammering away on principles. But running from one shiney object to the next, at least, is still better than being paralyzed by choice and doing nothing.
So the easiest, simplest, fastest thing to do - make a list of things to do. Even if I never do any of them.
Finish parsing the Inner Game of Tennis and start formally implementing it
Clean and orgainze van (desperately needs it)
Get Timeless Simple
Send M’s projects next year
Revamp OLD and get more lays
AA
Meet up with girls I've been messaging with. (Two in Denver in April, one in Oregon)
Work on insecurities
Establish an effortless routine for taking care of chores and life maintenance in the morning
Meditate more
Learn to play the guitar
Get a rope access cert (friend convinced me it's a great way to supplement my passive income if I feel like being rich)
Hit up friends in Baja and BC
Learn Spanish
So a general timeline for me right now:
The desert until early April
Mid April return to Denver.
Take care of taxes and chores
Meet w/ the two girls
Late April head to Baja
Early May head to Oregon
Late May get rope access training
Winter return to Mexico
Ongoing goals are getting stronger lifting kettlebells and pushing my climbing grade. These things I know how to do and can keep chugging.
Ongoing goals I’m less certain of are tackling my insecurities, learning Spanish, and establishing a good routine. For this, I’ll finish parsing TIGOT and synthesize a plan from there.
While I’m not sure exactly what I’ll end up doing, I think a big part of my goal of action without self flagellation is awareness. Mostly in the moment, but also retrospectively. So I’ll start posting again regularly, so retrospection will spur me to action on a deeper level.
=========================
Yesterday
Met up with K in the desert. The night before I threw all my shit in the van haphazardly in order to make it over Vail Pass before it got socked in. Made a camp out in BLM land to stay for a few days, and spent the day unpacking, cleaning, and organizing. Fixed issues with my heater and my fridge. Got a kettlebell workout in. Other friends arrived later in the night, hung out and drank a bit. Spent time talking with K about polyamory - good because I feel pretty comfortable with her and the subject, and the subject is a lynchpin of a lot of my anxieties.
My alarm clock blares in the darkness, and I awake to the salty smell and sticky humidity of the Aegean Sea. Fighting the urge to roll over in bed and nurse my hangover a bit longer, I stand up, flip the lights on, and put on the kettle to make a strong cup of Turkish coffee. I make one last sweep around the room of the Airbnb I've been staying in, then sling my backpack - small enough to count as a personal item on RyanAir and stuffed to the brim with only my absolute necessities - over my shoulder and walk out the door. M, two other friends, and I walk to the street to greet the taxi. The taxi driver, I can't help but think, seems oddly overdressed. Wearing a three piece suit, an excessive amount of jewelery, and a strong cologne, he looks more like a gangster than a taxi driver on a tropical island. But I guess that's just Greece for you.
We board the ferry as dawn breaks. Short on sleep and caffeine, I'm not very talkative. I stand on the deck and watch Kalymnos disappear behind us. Dolphins play in the ferry's wake as I stare at the horizon at other islands, barely visible through the morning haze. I look down over the railing and imagine what would happen if I fell overboard at this moment - hopefully someone would notice, and they'd pull me back aboard.... but if not, I'd likely tread water for about an hour, teeth chattering, before hypothermia set in.
It was a good trip. But I'm dissatisfied, and I begin to formulate why. I think of how what I really want, now that I have time, is to overcome my personal fears and insecurities. I spend about an hour like this, splitting my time between trying to figure out my life, and internally bemoaning my hangover + no sleep headache.
The ferry arrives on Kos, and the four of us grab our bags and head into the port town, wandering over to a small cafe to feed our caffeine addictions and pass the time before our flights. Facing down travelling half the Earth's circumference in discount airline seats and airport terminals, the conversation turns to book recommendations.
One of my friends makes a recommendation for improving our mental performance in climbing. The book is The Inner Game of Tennis. "All the experts on climbing performance say this is the book to read." He says, "Just, every time it says 'tennis', replace it with 'rock climbing'." We all laugh a bit at this, and I write down the name of the book. I get the audiobook version, and listen to it on the flight, liking what I hear. The book addresses a lot of problems I've had before, and seems to be a guide not just to improving at tennis, but improving at anything. And interestingly, as the book dives deeper and deeper into its philosophy, it becomes clear that this is actually essentially a Taoist treatise on life, viewed through the lense of tennis performance.
By the time I get to Mexico, I've obtained a physical copy so I can mark it up with a pen. It seems like the information I've been looking for, and I read through it twice, taking notes. I intend to try to parse out it's lessons, and then apply them in a few different domains - social anxiety, rock climbing, the daily grind of chores and habits, and the overarching path of living a good life.
By late January, I'd marked up the book and created a rather disorganized summary in my journal, and was intending to refine my summary and then contemplate how to apply the knowledge in my domains. But before I got around to it, I caught a stomach bug that put me on my ass for a week, and then my friends accident happened. But now seems like a good time to start that up again.
===================================
I think a big part of my angst and inaction is feeling like I don't really know what I want, what I should do, or what I should do first. The paradox of choice. The more options we have, the more we second guess ourselves, and the more likely we are to regret our decisions. Even now, I am feeling a sense of aversion writing these words, a desire to put it off and procrastinate, because they have the potential to commit me to a particular course of action. Hence why it has taken me a few days to come back and write this post.
Where do I want to be in 5 years? It's a good question. Where I want to be in 20 is even better. And I’ve written down the answer before. I have a lot of goals. In some ways, too many goals, and they all compete for my time and attention, pulling me in one direction and then the next as my mood strikes, and I am then pulled back again to my ur-goal - action without self flagellation.
And I think, where to start? At the foundations and principles? Or at the most obvious, immediate, simple action? To endlessly chace the immediate is worst than hammering away on principles. But running from one shiney object to the next, at least, is still better than being paralyzed by choice and doing nothing.
So the easiest, simplest, fastest thing to do - make a list of things to do. Even if I never do any of them.
Finish parsing the Inner Game of Tennis and start formally implementing it
Clean and orgainze van (desperately needs it)
Get Timeless Simple
Send M’s projects next year
Revamp OLD and get more lays
AA
Meet up with girls I've been messaging with. (Two in Denver in April, one in Oregon)
Work on insecurities
Establish an effortless routine for taking care of chores and life maintenance in the morning
Meditate more
Learn to play the guitar
Get a rope access cert (friend convinced me it's a great way to supplement my passive income if I feel like being rich)
Hit up friends in Baja and BC
Learn Spanish
So a general timeline for me right now:
The desert until early April
Mid April return to Denver.
Take care of taxes and chores
Meet w/ the two girls
Late April head to Baja
Early May head to Oregon
Late May get rope access training
Winter return to Mexico
Ongoing goals are getting stronger lifting kettlebells and pushing my climbing grade. These things I know how to do and can keep chugging.
Ongoing goals I’m less certain of are tackling my insecurities, learning Spanish, and establishing a good routine. For this, I’ll finish parsing TIGOT and synthesize a plan from there.
While I’m not sure exactly what I’ll end up doing, I think a big part of my goal of action without self flagellation is awareness. Mostly in the moment, but also retrospectively. So I’ll start posting again regularly, so retrospection will spur me to action on a deeper level.
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Yesterday
Met up with K in the desert. The night before I threw all my shit in the van haphazardly in order to make it over Vail Pass before it got socked in. Made a camp out in BLM land to stay for a few days, and spent the day unpacking, cleaning, and organizing. Fixed issues with my heater and my fridge. Got a kettlebell workout in. Other friends arrived later in the night, hung out and drank a bit. Spent time talking with K about polyamory - good because I feel pretty comfortable with her and the subject, and the subject is a lynchpin of a lot of my anxieties.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Yesterday
Meditated 5 min, cleaned up some more, made sure to clean myself up in the morning.
With recent rains, climbing was off the table yesterday. Rain in the desert soaks into the porous sandstone, weakening it. Weak rock breaks and crumbles easier, making climbing both more dangerous and more impactful on the rock. So we opt to boulder instead. K is stoked on a boulder that is extremely overhung, protecting it from the rain, so we head there.
Unsurprisingly, others have the same idea, and about a dozen other people are there working moves on the 40' long roof crack. I realize with some apprehension that I am apprehensive of meeting new people at this particular moment - especially since I quickly realize that one of the girls present is a relatively famous Instagram influencer who I'd met years ago before she was famous. I noticed my nervousness, but lack the activation energy to face it or do anything about it. Instead I distract myself by taping up, and stupidly worry about probably the dumbest thing I've ever worried about - if the locals are going to judge me for how I tape my hands. Feeling mildly displeased with myself for my cowardice, I avoid interacting with the people already at the rock and follow my friends around instead, pulling on a few times and having a good time fucking around. After a while I loosen up a bit and say a few sparse words to the others there. One woman, friends with the famous girl, is the director for an international gear company. Reflecting, I'm annoyed that my inhibitions got in the way here - everyone there was quite happy, friendly, and inviting, and my more outgoing friends were easily able to integrate into the group. If I hadn't been so inhibited, I could have simultaneously had a much better day and made some valuable connections in the community.
After bouldering, got a kb workout in and helped my friend fix a leak he got in his oil pan when he yeeted his civic off a rock shelf on the way to the boulder crag that day. JB Weld is magic.
Last night we all hid in a friends van and watched a movie while the snow came down outside. So sounds like absolutely no climbing today. Not such a bad thing - I have quite a few items to take care of on the list above.
But today the chaos resumes. Apparently my Airbnb got 4-5' of snow last night and the county has declared a state of emergency. Time to spend all day finding someone with heavy machinery to come up and dig them out.
Meditated 5 min, cleaned up some more, made sure to clean myself up in the morning.
With recent rains, climbing was off the table yesterday. Rain in the desert soaks into the porous sandstone, weakening it. Weak rock breaks and crumbles easier, making climbing both more dangerous and more impactful on the rock. So we opt to boulder instead. K is stoked on a boulder that is extremely overhung, protecting it from the rain, so we head there.
Unsurprisingly, others have the same idea, and about a dozen other people are there working moves on the 40' long roof crack. I realize with some apprehension that I am apprehensive of meeting new people at this particular moment - especially since I quickly realize that one of the girls present is a relatively famous Instagram influencer who I'd met years ago before she was famous. I noticed my nervousness, but lack the activation energy to face it or do anything about it. Instead I distract myself by taping up, and stupidly worry about probably the dumbest thing I've ever worried about - if the locals are going to judge me for how I tape my hands. Feeling mildly displeased with myself for my cowardice, I avoid interacting with the people already at the rock and follow my friends around instead, pulling on a few times and having a good time fucking around. After a while I loosen up a bit and say a few sparse words to the others there. One woman, friends with the famous girl, is the director for an international gear company. Reflecting, I'm annoyed that my inhibitions got in the way here - everyone there was quite happy, friendly, and inviting, and my more outgoing friends were easily able to integrate into the group. If I hadn't been so inhibited, I could have simultaneously had a much better day and made some valuable connections in the community.
After bouldering, got a kb workout in and helped my friend fix a leak he got in his oil pan when he yeeted his civic off a rock shelf on the way to the boulder crag that day. JB Weld is magic.
Last night we all hid in a friends van and watched a movie while the snow came down outside. So sounds like absolutely no climbing today. Not such a bad thing - I have quite a few items to take care of on the list above.
But today the chaos resumes. Apparently my Airbnb got 4-5' of snow last night and the county has declared a state of emergency. Time to spend all day finding someone with heavy machinery to come up and dig them out.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Another wet day yesterday.
Spent most of it trying to find someone to plow the driveway of my Airbnb. Thought I found someone, but then they flaked. Big headache there. Ended up finding someone else this morning to take care of it for way too much money. This plus the boiler issue I had a few weeks ago is a real kick in the dick.
Stress led me to not be super productive yesterday. Mostly hung out with friends other than organizing the snow plow stuff. But started summarizing TIGOT, and got a kettlebell work out and a hang board workout in.
Since it is still sloppy out there today, I'll be trying to be as productive as possible now that the plow situation is figured out.
Spent most of it trying to find someone to plow the driveway of my Airbnb. Thought I found someone, but then they flaked. Big headache there. Ended up finding someone else this morning to take care of it for way too much money. This plus the boiler issue I had a few weeks ago is a real kick in the dick.
Stress led me to not be super productive yesterday. Mostly hung out with friends other than organizing the snow plow stuff. But started summarizing TIGOT, and got a kettlebell work out and a hang board workout in.
Since it is still sloppy out there today, I'll be trying to be as productive as possible now that the plow situation is figured out.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Another wet day yesterday.
This time spent it organizing a guy to go up and plow my airbnb driveway. Big hassle as he needed to go up, current guests needed to leave, cleaner needed to come in and flip the place, and then the next guests were arriving. Pretty stressful day, but hopefully that whole fucky situation is resolved. When something like this happens, I try to think of a way to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, this was something of a natural disaster. The only solution I can think of are things I've thought of in the past - either heating the driveway, which is prohibitively expensive, or flipping the garage into an ADU and having a caretaker live in it. The second option is good for a number of reasons, but would take a lot of time and risk and money to pull off.
Otherwise, almost finished summarizing TIGOT, got a hang board workout in, and meditated. Weather is better today, so looking forward to enjoying it.
This time spent it organizing a guy to go up and plow my airbnb driveway. Big hassle as he needed to go up, current guests needed to leave, cleaner needed to come in and flip the place, and then the next guests were arriving. Pretty stressful day, but hopefully that whole fucky situation is resolved. When something like this happens, I try to think of a way to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, this was something of a natural disaster. The only solution I can think of are things I've thought of in the past - either heating the driveway, which is prohibitively expensive, or flipping the garage into an ADU and having a caretaker live in it. The second option is good for a number of reasons, but would take a lot of time and risk and money to pull off.
Otherwise, almost finished summarizing TIGOT, got a hang board workout in, and meditated. Weather is better today, so looking forward to enjoying it.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Yesterday was good. Tried something I'd been thinking of doing for a while - starting the day with a 5 minute meditation session while the water for my coffee boils. It doesn't let me really get deep into a meditative state, but it does set a good tone for the day - when I try not to think, it turns out all I think about is all the things I want to do during the day.
The main chunk of the day was spent in a canyon. All the rain recently meant sloppy roads and mud everywhere, but canyons are a safe romp after heavy rain. So, spent the day scrambling and jumping and rapping down the canyon and occasionally getting scared.
One cute girl I'd met once before showed up late the night before to drop the canyon with us. I noted she was camping alone in a tent in the mud, and started thinking about how my van with a heater and a real bed could be an enticing proposition. The next day I tried a few things - some lingering eye contact, joking around, physical touch - but nothing super forward. And then the main thing I did was look for opportunities to take on leadership roles in the group. By the end of the day I think I was catching some IOIs from her - but logistics were bad. Another friend had gotten a motel room in town to work remotely from - promptly inviting us all over to shower and hot tub; the guy who'd given her a ride and who had all her camping gear had disappeared into the desert on an acid trip; and on the last scramble down to the parking lot, she'd taken a nasty spill and sprained her ankle, so she was limping around on one leg. And to top it off, she's friends with one of the girls who is coming to town in April, and I'm not sure how to navigate that whole social dynamic.
Anyway - a good day of exercise and sunshine and doing something I'm good at where other people rely on me, with some adventurous mishaps to spice it up. And nobody blowing up my phone telling me they are snowed in and running out of food. Kinda my happy place.
The main chunk of the day was spent in a canyon. All the rain recently meant sloppy roads and mud everywhere, but canyons are a safe romp after heavy rain. So, spent the day scrambling and jumping and rapping down the canyon and occasionally getting scared.
One cute girl I'd met once before showed up late the night before to drop the canyon with us. I noted she was camping alone in a tent in the mud, and started thinking about how my van with a heater and a real bed could be an enticing proposition. The next day I tried a few things - some lingering eye contact, joking around, physical touch - but nothing super forward. And then the main thing I did was look for opportunities to take on leadership roles in the group. By the end of the day I think I was catching some IOIs from her - but logistics were bad. Another friend had gotten a motel room in town to work remotely from - promptly inviting us all over to shower and hot tub; the guy who'd given her a ride and who had all her camping gear had disappeared into the desert on an acid trip; and on the last scramble down to the parking lot, she'd taken a nasty spill and sprained her ankle, so she was limping around on one leg. And to top it off, she's friends with one of the girls who is coming to town in April, and I'm not sure how to navigate that whole social dynamic.
Anyway - a good day of exercise and sunshine and doing something I'm good at where other people rely on me, with some adventurous mishaps to spice it up. And nobody blowing up my phone telling me they are snowed in and running out of food. Kinda my happy place.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Good day yesterday. Woke up and got my 5 minutes of meditation in. Worked on summarizing TIGOT some more. Then did a kettlebell workout and a fingerboard workout. Excited about the kettlebell workout, since I did the roll-to-elbow in my TGU for the first time with the 32kg bell, and my program says it is time to move up to start training with it for real now. One more stop to getting Simple.
After, packed up some gear and hopped on my moto to zip over and meet my friends for an afternoon bouldering session. Dry roads and responsibilities taken care of and laying down rubber on slick rock and the La Sal mountains in front of me is a good feeling.
Cute girl showed up when we were at the boulder crag. I sort of did a teasing hello, but didn't engage past that. She had a boyfriend who was out of sight at the time anyway, but I really should have pushed the engagement further.
Then packed up, blasted back to camp. Made a campfire and watched a UFO trace a line across the sky at dusk. Drank a few beers and went to bed at 10:30. I think things are getting better now that the sun is out.
After, packed up some gear and hopped on my moto to zip over and meet my friends for an afternoon bouldering session. Dry roads and responsibilities taken care of and laying down rubber on slick rock and the La Sal mountains in front of me is a good feeling.
Cute girl showed up when we were at the boulder crag. I sort of did a teasing hello, but didn't engage past that. She had a boyfriend who was out of sight at the time anyway, but I really should have pushed the engagement further.
Then packed up, blasted back to camp. Made a campfire and watched a UFO trace a line across the sky at dusk. Drank a few beers and went to bed at 10:30. I think things are getting better now that the sun is out.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Once again listening to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and it once again provides me with an answer.
Last few days have been quite similar. Wake, meditate while coffee water is boiling. I wish I was dedicating more time to meditating, but some is better than none. Then posting here, Duolingo, summarizing TIGOT. Then working out, breakfast, and going climbing. Then back to camp, hanging out and dinner and beers, then bed.
Finished summarizing TIGOT. Kb workouts progressing well. Last couple days I've only been toproping climbs, but think it is time to start picking up the sharp end again. And my body is protesting - I think I'll help celebrate my friends birthday tonight and then cut back on the drinking.
===========================
Summary of The Inner Game Of Tennis
Within you, there are two selves - Self 1 and Self 2. Self 1 is "I", the ego, the thinking mind. Self 2 is "myself", the body, the intuitive feeling mind.
When you are playing a game (like tennis, for example), there are actually two games being played. The outer game (tennis), and the inner game - your ability to stay relaxed and focused and enter a flow state that allows you to play your best.
How well we play the inner game is determined by the relationship between the two selves. And how well we play the inner game has a big impact on how well we practice and perform in the outer game. Self 2 - the body, the intuitive mind - is far better at performing almost any task spontaneously and adeptly than Self 1. But if Self 1 does not trust and respect Self 2, then it will try to take control of the body, and will clumsily execute actions which would have been trivial for Self 2 to perform. Playing the inner game well consists of Self 1 giving some direction to Self 2, and then trusting Self 2 to perform the task. Meanwhile, Self 1 should concern itself with nonjudgmentally observing, and not interfering.
Being able to play the inner game well is an ur-skill, allowing one to perform at their best in all domains and quickly acquire proficiency in any mundane skill.
The 4 sub skills of inner game are:
1) Letting Go Of Judgements
2) Trusting Self 2
3) Creating Images
4) Relaxed Concentration - the master skill
So, how do we (1) develop these skills, and (2) apply them to both the performance and practice of mundane skills?
1) Developing the Inner Game Skills
1.1) Letting Go Of Judgements
This is the skill of not judging our actions as "good" or "bad", and instead viewing our actions passively and patiently. Letting go of judgement doesn't mean not recognizing errors as errors - instead it means not attaching a moralistic label of badness on them. Instead, it is about observing mistakes and knowing that these are part of the learning process of developing a skill.
It is practiced when we notice ourselves judging our actions or performance as good or bad. Then, we let go of judgement and simply observe our actions as they occur. By being able to fully focus on what we are doing, rather than having our attention divided by moralistic judgement, Self 2 can more rapidly and automatically make adjustments.
So:
- Notice judgement
- Let go of judgement
- Observe - see, feel, hear, etc what *is*
- When describing observations to oneself, use non judgemental language and tone
1.2) Trusting Self 2
Trusting Self 2 is practiced by practicing "letting go". Having a desired action, and then not instructing or trying and just letting it happen.
Simply choose an action to practice, repeat it several times, and observe as Self 2 is gradually able to improve with no formal instruction. As you observe this natural improvement, you will trust and respect Self 2 more, allowing Self 1 to more readily give up control.
Devise experiments for both low stress (practice) and high stress (performance) scenarios to practice letting go and trusting Self 2.
1.3) Creating Images
Creating Images is practiced by imagining changes you want, then allowing Self 2 to try to create them in real life (via Trusting Self 2).
You can practice creating visual images, which is useful for asking Self 2 to give results straight on. You can practice creating "feel-mages" - the physical sensations in your body - which are useful for asking Self 2 to use different form. And you can practice imagining you have a different personality - like you are an actor acting out a role - which is useful for asking Self 2 for to change its overall style of action.
Additionally, this process can be greatly helped by observing desired actions in real life. For example, performing the actions slowly while watching and feeling carefully, watching another person (like a coach, mentor, or friend) perform the action in real life, watching a video of a highly skilled person performing the action, or watching yourself on video performing the action.
1.4) Relaxed Concentration
Relaxed Concentration is practiced by noticing you are distracted, and gently returning your attention to the hear and now. It can be done at any time one is conscious. It is useful to pick something to focus on - a sight, or sound, or feeling. It helps if the thing you are focusing on has constant subtle differences to keep your attention engaged. The key is to let yourself be interested in the object of focus by not presuming you already know what will happen next.
Lapses in concentration occur when the mind would prefer to focus on something other than the present. Usually, the mind is shifting focus to anxiety about the future. In most modern endeavors, these anxieties deal with feelings of self-worth - a feeling that failure will in some way make us unworthy. In challenging moments like these, it is useful to reframe - remember that your real goal is improvement of your internal self. Therefore, facing these challenges and their accompanying anxieties is the whole reason you are engaged in these actions in the first place. Learning the skill of relaxed concentration is the ur-goal, since not only does it improve performance in every endeavor in life, but it is what gives life vividness and meaning - being in the moment.
2) Application of Inner Game Skills to Practice and Performance
2.1) Application to Practice
2.1.1) Discovering Technique
Learning new skills and techniques is best thought of as a process of discovery, since each person might find different things helpful. Inflexible prescriptions for technique usually result in anxiety, tightening up, and suboptimal performance.
To learn a new technique or improve a current one, it is best to watch someone else do it, then imitate with drills. Research or create drills, which also function as experiments for trusting Self 2. Drills are simple, helping you to focus on a single thing, and can be repeated quickly to allow for rapid feedback.
Ask Self 2 for results by creating a vivid mental image of the result desired. For example, to ask for a more powerful tennis serve, imagine the ball arcing quickly and powerfully over the net and into the opponents court.
Ask Self 2 for form by practicing the form slowly, and imagining the feeling of moving with that form. For example, to ask Self 2 to keep the tennis racket level on a forehand, practice slowly moving the racket in the desired path and watching and feeling the racket intently. Then imagine the image of the racket, and the feeling of your body as you want to move.
Ask Self 2 for qualities by play-acting, pretending to be someone with the target quality without concern for results. For example, to learn to play more aggressively, practice hitting balls as if you are an aggressive player - without regard for whether or not you are actually making good shots.
It is useful to consult experts to improve your game, such as reading a book or listening to a coach. However, don't view these instructions as absolutes on the "right" way to do things. Instead, think of them as hints - things to *try* in order to discover your own best technique.
It is useful to watch other people who are more adept than you, either on video or in person. But don't think that how they do something is exactly how you should do it. Instead, simply relax and watch them perform with interest. Allow yourself to focus on whatever is most interesting to you. After watching a performance, try practicing and imitating.
2.1.2) Changing Habits
Changing Habits is about replacing one pattern of behavior with another.
We develop patterns of behavior to serve a function. Any "bad habit" you want to replace with a good habit is serving a function, and it is very hard to break that habit if there is nothing to replace the function it serves. Bad habits with no replacement function are especially likely to recur when under stress, when we have no spare willpower to surpress them. So the first step to breaking a bad habit is to stop suppressing it or berating yourself for doing it, so you can observe and see what function it serves. Once we see the purpose of a bad habit, an alternative pattern of behavior that serves the same purpose can emerge.
2.1.3) The Process of Learning Using Inner Game Techniques
i) Nonjudgemental Observation
It is important to realize that we should not force change. We want to find the thing which is most ready to change, not what Self 1 deems "most important".
Start practicing a skill you would like to improve. Don't try, just start practicing and observing, relaxed. Simply by observing, you might notice changes already occuring - just allow these changes to occur, staying relaxed.
After about 5 minutes, you should have an idea of what you would like to change. Practice a bit more, without trying, observing this thing.
ii) Picture the Desired Outcome
Create an image of your desired result.
iii) Trust Self 2
Let go, and allow Self 2 to act.
If after a short while, Self 2 is not making the change, return to step (i), finding a different change to make - ask yourself what is inhibiting the desired change. First ask Self 2 for results, then if results don't occur, try asking for form.
iv) Nonjudgemental Observation of Change and Results
As you observe changes in your action, remain detached from actual results - performance may dip while the change is taking place. For example, while developing a more powerful serve, accuracy may drop. Keep going, remaining patient and attentive, while performance catches up. While doing this, you will often notice other things you want to change.
v) Watch Out For Self 1
After doing these things and seeing results, watch out for Self 1 coming back to take credit and give instructions for what Self 2 discovered. Give Self 2 the credit for what it discovered, and allow it to keep doing it without interference.
2.2) Application to Performance
In performance, it is typically only useful to use the 4th skill of Relaxed Concentration. Not Judging, Trusting Self 2, and Creating Images might also come into play naturally, but the focus should be on keeping Relaxed Concentration.
During performance, pick something subtle and important and interesting to focus on, and stick with it for the duration of the performance, bringing focus back each time it wanders. Focus might be wide or narrow, but it is best to keep it targeted at the same thing, rather than switching as the mood strikes.
During breaks in performance, focusing on the breath to prevent mind wandering can be useful.
3) Further Notes
3.1) It seems quite obvious that practicing relaxed concentration in its purest form is simply meditation. And the broad and narrow foci described in the book map quite directly to the gradual focus of attention from all immediate sensations to the sensation of breath passing over the tips of the nostrils described in The Mind Illuminated. So dedicated meditation time seems useful. Additionally, it might be useful to carve out additional meditation time spent on the skills of Nonjudgemental awareness, trusting the body, and creating images. Finally, it is interesting to note that TIGOT explicitly states that relaxed concentration can be practiced at any time, while in parallel, The Mind Illuminated states that progression in a meditation practice will always be slow and halting of the practitioner fails to apply a meditative mind to their day to day life.
3.2) Creating Images is quite an interesting concept. These days, I think we would call it Visualization, a ubiquitous technique in sport. It could also be compared to the technique of "manifesting" advocated for by the woo crowd. Creating and acting out an imagined personality seems especially interesting - it is a "fake it til you make it" technique without the fakeness. It reminds me of Castenada's technique of lying to yourself, not to recreate your self image in the image of the lies, but to realize that your current self image is equally fictitious.
3.3) Deep in the philosophy part of the book, the author goes on a tangent about self worth. He notes that our culture assigns worth based on achievement, and argues that such a culture demeans the human spirit, which cannot have its worth defined. He notes that true confidence emerges when the individual realizes that their worth is intrinsic, rather than deriving from achievement. However, I am highly suspicious of this argument, as it sounds like the arguments for self esteem and participation trophies. Sure, the metaphysical value of a human is immeasurable. But it is patiently obvious that both individuals and society assign value to individuals based on their utility. Denile of this fact either results in disillusionment when the falsehood is discovered, or conceited delusions of grandure and entitled attitudes. And a failure to provide utility to others, then, will inevitably result in others failing to provide utility to us, depriving us of basic needs.
This pushes the argument into an even more important realm - this idea of trusting Self 2 to make mistakes and learn is all well and good in games like tennis, where failure might simply result in a feeling of disappointment or inadequacy. But how would one use this technique in situations where results actually matter, where life and death are on the line? I plan on re-reading The Rock Warriors Way for an opinion on this.
3.4) Other Works To Read
- Zen In the Art of Archery
- Abraham Maslow
- Games People Play by Eric Berne
- Carl Rogers
As long as my motivation comes from whipping myself - as long as I have a mule mentality - I can never be free.The student's biggest problem was a slave mentality which had been built into him by years of carrot-and- whip grading, a mule mentality which said, "If you don't whip me, I won't work.'' He didn't get whipped. He didn't work. And the cart of civilization, which he supposedly was being trained to pull, was just going to have to creak along a little slower without him.
This is a tragedy, however, only if you presume that the cart of civilization, "the system,'' is pulled by mules. This is a common, vocational, "location'' point of view, but it's not the Church attitude.
The Church attitude is that civilization, or "the system'' or "society'' or whatever you want to call it, is best served not by mules but by free men.
Last few days have been quite similar. Wake, meditate while coffee water is boiling. I wish I was dedicating more time to meditating, but some is better than none. Then posting here, Duolingo, summarizing TIGOT. Then working out, breakfast, and going climbing. Then back to camp, hanging out and dinner and beers, then bed.
Finished summarizing TIGOT. Kb workouts progressing well. Last couple days I've only been toproping climbs, but think it is time to start picking up the sharp end again. And my body is protesting - I think I'll help celebrate my friends birthday tonight and then cut back on the drinking.
===========================
Summary of The Inner Game Of Tennis
Within you, there are two selves - Self 1 and Self 2. Self 1 is "I", the ego, the thinking mind. Self 2 is "myself", the body, the intuitive feeling mind.
When you are playing a game (like tennis, for example), there are actually two games being played. The outer game (tennis), and the inner game - your ability to stay relaxed and focused and enter a flow state that allows you to play your best.
How well we play the inner game is determined by the relationship between the two selves. And how well we play the inner game has a big impact on how well we practice and perform in the outer game. Self 2 - the body, the intuitive mind - is far better at performing almost any task spontaneously and adeptly than Self 1. But if Self 1 does not trust and respect Self 2, then it will try to take control of the body, and will clumsily execute actions which would have been trivial for Self 2 to perform. Playing the inner game well consists of Self 1 giving some direction to Self 2, and then trusting Self 2 to perform the task. Meanwhile, Self 1 should concern itself with nonjudgmentally observing, and not interfering.
Being able to play the inner game well is an ur-skill, allowing one to perform at their best in all domains and quickly acquire proficiency in any mundane skill.
The 4 sub skills of inner game are:
1) Letting Go Of Judgements
2) Trusting Self 2
3) Creating Images
4) Relaxed Concentration - the master skill
So, how do we (1) develop these skills, and (2) apply them to both the performance and practice of mundane skills?
1) Developing the Inner Game Skills
1.1) Letting Go Of Judgements
This is the skill of not judging our actions as "good" or "bad", and instead viewing our actions passively and patiently. Letting go of judgement doesn't mean not recognizing errors as errors - instead it means not attaching a moralistic label of badness on them. Instead, it is about observing mistakes and knowing that these are part of the learning process of developing a skill.
It is practiced when we notice ourselves judging our actions or performance as good or bad. Then, we let go of judgement and simply observe our actions as they occur. By being able to fully focus on what we are doing, rather than having our attention divided by moralistic judgement, Self 2 can more rapidly and automatically make adjustments.
So:
- Notice judgement
- Let go of judgement
- Observe - see, feel, hear, etc what *is*
- When describing observations to oneself, use non judgemental language and tone
1.2) Trusting Self 2
Trusting Self 2 is practiced by practicing "letting go". Having a desired action, and then not instructing or trying and just letting it happen.
Simply choose an action to practice, repeat it several times, and observe as Self 2 is gradually able to improve with no formal instruction. As you observe this natural improvement, you will trust and respect Self 2 more, allowing Self 1 to more readily give up control.
Devise experiments for both low stress (practice) and high stress (performance) scenarios to practice letting go and trusting Self 2.
1.3) Creating Images
Creating Images is practiced by imagining changes you want, then allowing Self 2 to try to create them in real life (via Trusting Self 2).
You can practice creating visual images, which is useful for asking Self 2 to give results straight on. You can practice creating "feel-mages" - the physical sensations in your body - which are useful for asking Self 2 to use different form. And you can practice imagining you have a different personality - like you are an actor acting out a role - which is useful for asking Self 2 for to change its overall style of action.
Additionally, this process can be greatly helped by observing desired actions in real life. For example, performing the actions slowly while watching and feeling carefully, watching another person (like a coach, mentor, or friend) perform the action in real life, watching a video of a highly skilled person performing the action, or watching yourself on video performing the action.
1.4) Relaxed Concentration
Relaxed Concentration is practiced by noticing you are distracted, and gently returning your attention to the hear and now. It can be done at any time one is conscious. It is useful to pick something to focus on - a sight, or sound, or feeling. It helps if the thing you are focusing on has constant subtle differences to keep your attention engaged. The key is to let yourself be interested in the object of focus by not presuming you already know what will happen next.
Lapses in concentration occur when the mind would prefer to focus on something other than the present. Usually, the mind is shifting focus to anxiety about the future. In most modern endeavors, these anxieties deal with feelings of self-worth - a feeling that failure will in some way make us unworthy. In challenging moments like these, it is useful to reframe - remember that your real goal is improvement of your internal self. Therefore, facing these challenges and their accompanying anxieties is the whole reason you are engaged in these actions in the first place. Learning the skill of relaxed concentration is the ur-goal, since not only does it improve performance in every endeavor in life, but it is what gives life vividness and meaning - being in the moment.
2) Application of Inner Game Skills to Practice and Performance
2.1) Application to Practice
2.1.1) Discovering Technique
Learning new skills and techniques is best thought of as a process of discovery, since each person might find different things helpful. Inflexible prescriptions for technique usually result in anxiety, tightening up, and suboptimal performance.
To learn a new technique or improve a current one, it is best to watch someone else do it, then imitate with drills. Research or create drills, which also function as experiments for trusting Self 2. Drills are simple, helping you to focus on a single thing, and can be repeated quickly to allow for rapid feedback.
Ask Self 2 for results by creating a vivid mental image of the result desired. For example, to ask for a more powerful tennis serve, imagine the ball arcing quickly and powerfully over the net and into the opponents court.
Ask Self 2 for form by practicing the form slowly, and imagining the feeling of moving with that form. For example, to ask Self 2 to keep the tennis racket level on a forehand, practice slowly moving the racket in the desired path and watching and feeling the racket intently. Then imagine the image of the racket, and the feeling of your body as you want to move.
Ask Self 2 for qualities by play-acting, pretending to be someone with the target quality without concern for results. For example, to learn to play more aggressively, practice hitting balls as if you are an aggressive player - without regard for whether or not you are actually making good shots.
It is useful to consult experts to improve your game, such as reading a book or listening to a coach. However, don't view these instructions as absolutes on the "right" way to do things. Instead, think of them as hints - things to *try* in order to discover your own best technique.
It is useful to watch other people who are more adept than you, either on video or in person. But don't think that how they do something is exactly how you should do it. Instead, simply relax and watch them perform with interest. Allow yourself to focus on whatever is most interesting to you. After watching a performance, try practicing and imitating.
2.1.2) Changing Habits
Changing Habits is about replacing one pattern of behavior with another.
We develop patterns of behavior to serve a function. Any "bad habit" you want to replace with a good habit is serving a function, and it is very hard to break that habit if there is nothing to replace the function it serves. Bad habits with no replacement function are especially likely to recur when under stress, when we have no spare willpower to surpress them. So the first step to breaking a bad habit is to stop suppressing it or berating yourself for doing it, so you can observe and see what function it serves. Once we see the purpose of a bad habit, an alternative pattern of behavior that serves the same purpose can emerge.
2.1.3) The Process of Learning Using Inner Game Techniques
i) Nonjudgemental Observation
It is important to realize that we should not force change. We want to find the thing which is most ready to change, not what Self 1 deems "most important".
Start practicing a skill you would like to improve. Don't try, just start practicing and observing, relaxed. Simply by observing, you might notice changes already occuring - just allow these changes to occur, staying relaxed.
After about 5 minutes, you should have an idea of what you would like to change. Practice a bit more, without trying, observing this thing.
ii) Picture the Desired Outcome
Create an image of your desired result.
iii) Trust Self 2
Let go, and allow Self 2 to act.
If after a short while, Self 2 is not making the change, return to step (i), finding a different change to make - ask yourself what is inhibiting the desired change. First ask Self 2 for results, then if results don't occur, try asking for form.
iv) Nonjudgemental Observation of Change and Results
As you observe changes in your action, remain detached from actual results - performance may dip while the change is taking place. For example, while developing a more powerful serve, accuracy may drop. Keep going, remaining patient and attentive, while performance catches up. While doing this, you will often notice other things you want to change.
v) Watch Out For Self 1
After doing these things and seeing results, watch out for Self 1 coming back to take credit and give instructions for what Self 2 discovered. Give Self 2 the credit for what it discovered, and allow it to keep doing it without interference.
2.2) Application to Performance
In performance, it is typically only useful to use the 4th skill of Relaxed Concentration. Not Judging, Trusting Self 2, and Creating Images might also come into play naturally, but the focus should be on keeping Relaxed Concentration.
During performance, pick something subtle and important and interesting to focus on, and stick with it for the duration of the performance, bringing focus back each time it wanders. Focus might be wide or narrow, but it is best to keep it targeted at the same thing, rather than switching as the mood strikes.
During breaks in performance, focusing on the breath to prevent mind wandering can be useful.
3) Further Notes
3.1) It seems quite obvious that practicing relaxed concentration in its purest form is simply meditation. And the broad and narrow foci described in the book map quite directly to the gradual focus of attention from all immediate sensations to the sensation of breath passing over the tips of the nostrils described in The Mind Illuminated. So dedicated meditation time seems useful. Additionally, it might be useful to carve out additional meditation time spent on the skills of Nonjudgemental awareness, trusting the body, and creating images. Finally, it is interesting to note that TIGOT explicitly states that relaxed concentration can be practiced at any time, while in parallel, The Mind Illuminated states that progression in a meditation practice will always be slow and halting of the practitioner fails to apply a meditative mind to their day to day life.
3.2) Creating Images is quite an interesting concept. These days, I think we would call it Visualization, a ubiquitous technique in sport. It could also be compared to the technique of "manifesting" advocated for by the woo crowd. Creating and acting out an imagined personality seems especially interesting - it is a "fake it til you make it" technique without the fakeness. It reminds me of Castenada's technique of lying to yourself, not to recreate your self image in the image of the lies, but to realize that your current self image is equally fictitious.
3.3) Deep in the philosophy part of the book, the author goes on a tangent about self worth. He notes that our culture assigns worth based on achievement, and argues that such a culture demeans the human spirit, which cannot have its worth defined. He notes that true confidence emerges when the individual realizes that their worth is intrinsic, rather than deriving from achievement. However, I am highly suspicious of this argument, as it sounds like the arguments for self esteem and participation trophies. Sure, the metaphysical value of a human is immeasurable. But it is patiently obvious that both individuals and society assign value to individuals based on their utility. Denile of this fact either results in disillusionment when the falsehood is discovered, or conceited delusions of grandure and entitled attitudes. And a failure to provide utility to others, then, will inevitably result in others failing to provide utility to us, depriving us of basic needs.
This pushes the argument into an even more important realm - this idea of trusting Self 2 to make mistakes and learn is all well and good in games like tennis, where failure might simply result in a feeling of disappointment or inadequacy. But how would one use this technique in situations where results actually matter, where life and death are on the line? I plan on re-reading The Rock Warriors Way for an opinion on this.
3.4) Other Works To Read
- Zen In the Art of Archery
- Abraham Maslow
- Games People Play by Eric Berne
- Carl Rogers
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Yesterday I woke up pretty slow after partying for my friends birthday. Living clean and sober for a while seems like no problem after that. Meditated, Duolingo, finished my summary. I was in no hurry since I was planning on taking a rest day and not climbing since I was pretty wrecked, but after a chill morning I started feeling alright. Weather was supposed to come in in the evening, meaning wet rock tomorrow anyway, so I figured I should get out. Threw my pack on my bike and rode out to the crag. Schlepping my heavy ass pack up the hill, I found my friends already there. Led one pitch of 5.9, saw the weather predicted for the afternoon coming in, and scurried back down the hill to hop on my bike and zip back to camp before it really came down. As fortune would have it, the storms missed the crag and the camp completely, and I spent a few hours cleaning up my van and chilling out. Still got a kettlebell workout in late in the day, and got a hangboard workout in before heading to the crag. Watched a movie with friends that night, didn't drink.
==========================
Application of TIGOT to Rock Climbing
I'll start trying to apply the principles of TIGOT to my own rock climbing skill first. This seems most natural, as these are both sports with large skill components, as well as large mental components.
The main issue which immediately comes to mind is what constitutes practice, and what performance? In tennis, this is a discrete separation. In practice, you are serving to no one, rallying with a friend, or returning shots from a machine. Then performance occurs when you and an opponent decide to keep score. Whether it is a friendly pickup match or part of a competitive tournament, no one will have time to practice visualization in the middle of a point.
In climbing, often, there is no practice. You tie in and climb. So the first thing to do is define what constitutes practice.
- Top roping
- Warm ups and climbs well below sending grade
- Project burns where I am hanging and rehearsing beta
Performance, meanwhile, is then onsight or red point attempts on routes of a difficult grade for me.
So, before pulling on, decide if a burn is practice or performance.
If it is practice, start by pulling on with no expectations or judgement. Don't try, just relax and observe. Since this is practice, don't go al muerte and get flamed - practice requires mileage, and you cant get mileage if you flash pump on the warmup.
During the first burn / warm up of the day, notice things about how you are moving and thinking. Soon something you want to improve will come to mind.
Lower down and visualize the improvement you want. Remember to focus first on results. When projecting a route, what counts as a result is quite obvious - sticking the hard moves or linking hard sequences. This is classic visualization. On a warm up, it is probably more useful to focus on qualities, like being more powerful, or precise, or fast, or relaxed - so role-playing as a climber who epitomizes those qualities could be helpful.
Then, let go and let Self 2 run the show, and keep attention focused on something subtle and important. Then observe if the desired changes take place.
If they do not, consider asking for changes to form instead.
For a performance burn, focus on keeping relaxed concentration. However, the question arises of what to concentrate on. A few ideas:
- Breath. Breath on the tip of the nose might be good, but I think also focusing on breath in general can be helpful - the feeling of the torso expanding and contracting under physical load, the sound of the breath as you breathe quickly.
- The location, positioning, and momentum of the hips. This is the center of mass, and is of critical importance in climbing.
- The feelings of pressure, friction, and position of the tips of the feet.
- The physical sensations of tension and fear.
- The feeling of the rock on the fingertips, or perhaps all physical sensations on the skin, like blowing wind.
Hopefully will test this out tomorrow, and will start working on applications of TIGOT to social anxiety.
==========================
Application of TIGOT to Rock Climbing
I'll start trying to apply the principles of TIGOT to my own rock climbing skill first. This seems most natural, as these are both sports with large skill components, as well as large mental components.
The main issue which immediately comes to mind is what constitutes practice, and what performance? In tennis, this is a discrete separation. In practice, you are serving to no one, rallying with a friend, or returning shots from a machine. Then performance occurs when you and an opponent decide to keep score. Whether it is a friendly pickup match or part of a competitive tournament, no one will have time to practice visualization in the middle of a point.
In climbing, often, there is no practice. You tie in and climb. So the first thing to do is define what constitutes practice.
- Top roping
- Warm ups and climbs well below sending grade
- Project burns where I am hanging and rehearsing beta
Performance, meanwhile, is then onsight or red point attempts on routes of a difficult grade for me.
So, before pulling on, decide if a burn is practice or performance.
If it is practice, start by pulling on with no expectations or judgement. Don't try, just relax and observe. Since this is practice, don't go al muerte and get flamed - practice requires mileage, and you cant get mileage if you flash pump on the warmup.
During the first burn / warm up of the day, notice things about how you are moving and thinking. Soon something you want to improve will come to mind.
Lower down and visualize the improvement you want. Remember to focus first on results. When projecting a route, what counts as a result is quite obvious - sticking the hard moves or linking hard sequences. This is classic visualization. On a warm up, it is probably more useful to focus on qualities, like being more powerful, or precise, or fast, or relaxed - so role-playing as a climber who epitomizes those qualities could be helpful.
Then, let go and let Self 2 run the show, and keep attention focused on something subtle and important. Then observe if the desired changes take place.
If they do not, consider asking for changes to form instead.
For a performance burn, focus on keeping relaxed concentration. However, the question arises of what to concentrate on. A few ideas:
- Breath. Breath on the tip of the nose might be good, but I think also focusing on breath in general can be helpful - the feeling of the torso expanding and contracting under physical load, the sound of the breath as you breathe quickly.
- The location, positioning, and momentum of the hips. This is the center of mass, and is of critical importance in climbing.
- The feelings of pressure, friction, and position of the tips of the feet.
- The physical sensations of tension and fear.
- The feeling of the rock on the fingertips, or perhaps all physical sensations on the skin, like blowing wind.
Hopefully will test this out tomorrow, and will start working on applications of TIGOT to social anxiety.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Missed posting a few days because I got hung up on this question - if I want to overcome my social anxiety and become more charismatic and social - then what is the objective of a social interaction?
Been cranking this around in my head for too long. So brain dumping without too much editing just to get it out of my head and move on with taking action.
================================
Application of TIGOT to Social Anxiety
I think here is where TIGOT methods might do a lot of good for me. Social skills, after all, are a skill, and social anxiety is the inner game we play when executing these skills. On the other hand, socializing and tennis are significantly different activities, so I anticipate fabricating a metaphorical adapter will be a bit more work.
Questions I need to answer:
- What constitutes performance, and what practice?
- What are good foci of attention?
- What are good drills?
- What even is the goal?
The last question, what is the goal, seems central. In tennis, the goal is winning - scoring more points than your opponent. In climbing, the goal is sending - getting to the top without falling off. These are so obvious as to not even need to be stated. But in socializing... there is no obvious goal. Based on the header I set for this section, the goal might be said to be avoiding the uncomfortable sensation of social anxiety. Ok, simple - just only interact with people you already know and say things that you are certain will gain approval. That's what most people do most of the time anyway. But this isn't what I want.
What do I want? Well let's start with a specific example, then move outward to generalities.
At the crag the other day, I wish I'd seen other people there, and walked up and introduced myself and said hello happily and confidently,. I wish I'd talked at ease with everyone there. I wish I had had the expectation that everyone there would like me and would want to be my friend. I wish that when I'd talked to people, I would have quickly made a connection and had them smiling and laughing. I wish I'd got everyone's contact information and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there, and if any were available, had gotten their numbers.
At my friend's party, I wish I'd walked in the door excited to meet new people who were probably pretty cool, since they were my friend's friends after all. I wish I'd been relaxed and confident, and had started introducing myself to people immediately. I wish I could have actually remembered people's names. I wish I could have struck up and maintained fun, interesting conversations with them. I wish I could have gotten to know each person, and gotten the contact info of those I found interesting and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there and gotten their numbers, and eventually fucked them.
At the improv class I went to a few weeks ago, I wish I'd seen it as a fun opportunity to make new friends. I wish I'd introduced myself to other people before and after. I wish I'd been able to remember people's names. I wish I'd been able to engage in good conversations with people there. I wish I'd stick around afterward to socialize and get to know people. I wish I'd got the number of the girl with the nice ass after getting to know her better, got her out on a date, and fucked her.
One thing to consider is the opposite. Suppose I knew intellectually how to act at all times to get all people to like me... but it took effort. I might not really have fun when I want to. I might need to constantly hide aspects of myself. I might need to say things that I disagree with, or which I know aren't true. This is a sort of cage, where you may have others approval but you never feel comfortable or have them accept you for who you are. And what is the point of expending blood, sweat, and tears for this?
I don't need everybody to like me. I just need the people who are going to like the unfiltered me to like me. This doesn't mean the unfiltered me can't change or be better, and that this better version of myself can't be more appealing to more people. But the main objective should be to be unfiltered. I wrote it long ago - how to gain social graces:
- Spend time with people you want to be like
- Be unfiltered
- Be interested in people
- Try new things
- Pay attention to people's reactions
Paying attention is inner game work
[Several days of introspection and procrastination later...]
Okay, I think I figured it out. The goal of socializing is connection. To know and be known by others. When meeting new people, the goal is to know them at all, and to establish a real connection before the interaction is over. When interacting with existing friends, the goal is to deepen the connection. This matches with the sort of sporting analogy that will fit into TIGOT principles - while there is not an absolute score to refer to at the end of a "match", there is an end result to strive for which is external from the individuals mind and which is created by the interaction of two (or more) individuals. And it matches with the various inner games listed in the book. One can establish connections with the goal of proving themselves good or perfect, or to make friends or gain status, or to have good mental health, have fun, and learn and grow. One's ability to create connection can improve - but in any individual circumstance, it might still be hindered by external factors. Sometimes when you get to know others, you will realize you don't wish to know them further. Sometimes they will realize they don't wish to know you further. Sometimes you'll realize they are right not to want to know you because you're being a weird, toxic asshole.
You start creating connections first by looking and acting friendly and introducing yourself. Because the goal is to know and be known by others, each new interaction is a new opportunity to practice your skills, and thus should be viewed without fear. Because you're trying to create connections with people, they are important, and learning basic information about them - like their name - is important. Because they are important, you will pay attention to them - what they are saying, their facial expression, their body language. Because humor is a big part of one's personality, being able to crack jokes and banter is important. Because not all connection happens in just a single interaction, it is important to trade contact info with people I meet who I would like to further connect with. And because my sexual desires are part of who I am, and half of connection is letting others know yourself, I should flirt with women I'm interested in. Deepening connection with existing friends or new acquaintances is accomplished by sharing things about yourself or asking deepening questions to prompt them to share things about themselves.
Because the goal is to know and be known, and I don't know the best way to do this, it warrants trying new things and conducting social experiments. Because the goal is to know and be known, there is not pressure to "make" people like me by hiding parts of myself - I can have confidence that I can do my best to know and be known, rather than having confidence that people will like me - I can have confidence that it is okay if people *don't* like me.
And by allowing others to know me and taking a genuine interest in others, I will reap social benefits - opportunities for money, experiences, and sex will appear as I connect with more people, and more people who are more interesting to me.
Ok, so then what constitutes performance, and what practice?
Well, performance is.... most everything. Whenever I am meeting new people or interacting with established friends. Most of the difference here might be quantified via how stressful the performance is. If I am feeling low stress about the potential social interaction, I can think of something to try, visualize trying it, trust self 2, and accept the outcome - similar to playing a friendly tennis match with a friend, where you might try to add power to your serve, and don't really care about the score at the end of the game. But if it is a high stress scenario, I can completely focus on relaxed attention.
Explicit practice needs to be explicitly carved out, where I can do drills. And for a drill to be good, it needs to be easily repeatable, provide rapid feedback, and not have long-lasting social impacts.
What are good foci of attention?
The face and body language of the person I'm interested in.
The topic of conversation.
Things I am trying to improve on, like remembering people's names.
The physical sensations of anxiety in my body.
What are good drills?
- Walking up to people, saying hello, and introducing yourself.
- Smiling, at least before and during interactions.
- Eye contact.
- Speaking loudly.
- Doing and saying strange things which might elicit rejection.
- Admitting personal things which might elicit judgement from others.
- Coming up with ideas and jokes on the fly.
- Asking for contact info.
- Asking questions which deepen a conversation.
- Flirting with attractive women.
Been cranking this around in my head for too long. So brain dumping without too much editing just to get it out of my head and move on with taking action.
================================
Application of TIGOT to Social Anxiety
I think here is where TIGOT methods might do a lot of good for me. Social skills, after all, are a skill, and social anxiety is the inner game we play when executing these skills. On the other hand, socializing and tennis are significantly different activities, so I anticipate fabricating a metaphorical adapter will be a bit more work.
Questions I need to answer:
- What constitutes performance, and what practice?
- What are good foci of attention?
- What are good drills?
- What even is the goal?
The last question, what is the goal, seems central. In tennis, the goal is winning - scoring more points than your opponent. In climbing, the goal is sending - getting to the top without falling off. These are so obvious as to not even need to be stated. But in socializing... there is no obvious goal. Based on the header I set for this section, the goal might be said to be avoiding the uncomfortable sensation of social anxiety. Ok, simple - just only interact with people you already know and say things that you are certain will gain approval. That's what most people do most of the time anyway. But this isn't what I want.
What do I want? Well let's start with a specific example, then move outward to generalities.
At the crag the other day, I wish I'd seen other people there, and walked up and introduced myself and said hello happily and confidently,. I wish I'd talked at ease with everyone there. I wish I had had the expectation that everyone there would like me and would want to be my friend. I wish that when I'd talked to people, I would have quickly made a connection and had them smiling and laughing. I wish I'd got everyone's contact information and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there, and if any were available, had gotten their numbers.
At my friend's party, I wish I'd walked in the door excited to meet new people who were probably pretty cool, since they were my friend's friends after all. I wish I'd been relaxed and confident, and had started introducing myself to people immediately. I wish I could have actually remembered people's names. I wish I could have struck up and maintained fun, interesting conversations with them. I wish I could have gotten to know each person, and gotten the contact info of those I found interesting and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there and gotten their numbers, and eventually fucked them.
At the improv class I went to a few weeks ago, I wish I'd seen it as a fun opportunity to make new friends. I wish I'd introduced myself to other people before and after. I wish I'd been able to remember people's names. I wish I'd been able to engage in good conversations with people there. I wish I'd stick around afterward to socialize and get to know people. I wish I'd got the number of the girl with the nice ass after getting to know her better, got her out on a date, and fucked her.
One thing to consider is the opposite. Suppose I knew intellectually how to act at all times to get all people to like me... but it took effort. I might not really have fun when I want to. I might need to constantly hide aspects of myself. I might need to say things that I disagree with, or which I know aren't true. This is a sort of cage, where you may have others approval but you never feel comfortable or have them accept you for who you are. And what is the point of expending blood, sweat, and tears for this?
I don't need everybody to like me. I just need the people who are going to like the unfiltered me to like me. This doesn't mean the unfiltered me can't change or be better, and that this better version of myself can't be more appealing to more people. But the main objective should be to be unfiltered. I wrote it long ago - how to gain social graces:
- Spend time with people you want to be like
- Be unfiltered
- Be interested in people
- Try new things
- Pay attention to people's reactions
Paying attention is inner game work
[Several days of introspection and procrastination later...]
Okay, I think I figured it out. The goal of socializing is connection. To know and be known by others. When meeting new people, the goal is to know them at all, and to establish a real connection before the interaction is over. When interacting with existing friends, the goal is to deepen the connection. This matches with the sort of sporting analogy that will fit into TIGOT principles - while there is not an absolute score to refer to at the end of a "match", there is an end result to strive for which is external from the individuals mind and which is created by the interaction of two (or more) individuals. And it matches with the various inner games listed in the book. One can establish connections with the goal of proving themselves good or perfect, or to make friends or gain status, or to have good mental health, have fun, and learn and grow. One's ability to create connection can improve - but in any individual circumstance, it might still be hindered by external factors. Sometimes when you get to know others, you will realize you don't wish to know them further. Sometimes they will realize they don't wish to know you further. Sometimes you'll realize they are right not to want to know you because you're being a weird, toxic asshole.
You start creating connections first by looking and acting friendly and introducing yourself. Because the goal is to know and be known by others, each new interaction is a new opportunity to practice your skills, and thus should be viewed without fear. Because you're trying to create connections with people, they are important, and learning basic information about them - like their name - is important. Because they are important, you will pay attention to them - what they are saying, their facial expression, their body language. Because humor is a big part of one's personality, being able to crack jokes and banter is important. Because not all connection happens in just a single interaction, it is important to trade contact info with people I meet who I would like to further connect with. And because my sexual desires are part of who I am, and half of connection is letting others know yourself, I should flirt with women I'm interested in. Deepening connection with existing friends or new acquaintances is accomplished by sharing things about yourself or asking deepening questions to prompt them to share things about themselves.
Because the goal is to know and be known, and I don't know the best way to do this, it warrants trying new things and conducting social experiments. Because the goal is to know and be known, there is not pressure to "make" people like me by hiding parts of myself - I can have confidence that I can do my best to know and be known, rather than having confidence that people will like me - I can have confidence that it is okay if people *don't* like me.
And by allowing others to know me and taking a genuine interest in others, I will reap social benefits - opportunities for money, experiences, and sex will appear as I connect with more people, and more people who are more interesting to me.
Ok, so then what constitutes performance, and what practice?
Well, performance is.... most everything. Whenever I am meeting new people or interacting with established friends. Most of the difference here might be quantified via how stressful the performance is. If I am feeling low stress about the potential social interaction, I can think of something to try, visualize trying it, trust self 2, and accept the outcome - similar to playing a friendly tennis match with a friend, where you might try to add power to your serve, and don't really care about the score at the end of the game. But if it is a high stress scenario, I can completely focus on relaxed attention.
Explicit practice needs to be explicitly carved out, where I can do drills. And for a drill to be good, it needs to be easily repeatable, provide rapid feedback, and not have long-lasting social impacts.
What are good foci of attention?
The face and body language of the person I'm interested in.
The topic of conversation.
Things I am trying to improve on, like remembering people's names.
The physical sensations of anxiety in my body.
What are good drills?
- Walking up to people, saying hello, and introducing yourself.
- Smiling, at least before and during interactions.
- Eye contact.
- Speaking loudly.
- Doing and saying strange things which might elicit rejection.
- Admitting personal things which might elicit judgement from others.
- Coming up with ideas and jokes on the fly.
- Asking for contact info.
- Asking questions which deepen a conversation.
- Flirting with attractive women.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Missed posting a few days because I got hung up on this question - if I want to overcome my social anxiety and become more charismatic and social - then what is the objective of a social interaction?
Been cranking this around in my head for too long. So brain dumping without too much editing just to get it out of my head and move on with taking action.
================================
Application of TIGOT to Social Anxiety
I think here is where TIGOT methods might do a lot of good for me. Social skills, after all, are a skill, and social anxiety is the inner game we play when executing these skills. On the other hand, socializing and tennis are significantly different activities, so I anticipate fabricating a metaphorical adapter will be a bit more work.
Questions I need to answer:
- What constitutes performance, and what practice?
- What are good foci of attention?
- What are good drills?
- What even is the goal?
The last question, what is the goal, seems central. In tennis, the goal is winning - scoring more points than your opponent. In climbing, the goal is sending - getting to the top without falling off. These are so obvious as to not even need to be stated. But in socializing... there is no obvious goal. Based on the header I set for this section, the goal might be said to be avoiding the uncomfortable sensation of social anxiety. Ok, simple - just only interact with people you already know and say things that you are certain will gain approval. That's what most people do most of the time anyway. But this isn't what I want.
What do I want? Well let's start with a specific example, then move outward to generalities.
At the crag the other day, I wish I'd seen other people there, and walked up and introduced myself and said hello happily and confidently,. I wish I'd talked at ease with everyone there. I wish I had had the expectation that everyone there would like me and would want to be my friend. I wish that when I'd talked to people, I would have quickly made a connection and had them smiling and laughing. I wish I'd got everyone's contact information and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there, and if any were available, had gotten their numbers.
At my friend's party, I wish I'd walked in the door excited to meet new people who were probably pretty cool, since they were my friend's friends after all. I wish I'd been relaxed and confident, and had started introducing myself to people immediately. I wish I could have actually remembered people's names. I wish I could have struck up and maintained fun, interesting conversations with them. I wish I could have gotten to know each person, and gotten the contact info of those I found interesting and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there and gotten their numbers, and eventually fucked them.
At the improv class I went to a few weeks ago, I wish I'd seen it as a fun opportunity to make new friends. I wish I'd introduced myself to other people before and after. I wish I'd been able to remember people's names. I wish I'd been able to engage in good conversations with people there. I wish I'd stick around afterward to socialize and get to know people. I wish I'd got the number of the girl with the nice ass after getting to know her better, got her out on a date, and fucked her.
One thing to consider is the opposite. Suppose I knew intellectually how to act at all times to get all people to like me... but it took effort. I might not really have fun when I want to. I might need to constantly hide aspects of myself. I might need to say things that I disagree with, or which I know aren't true. This is a sort of cage, where you may have others approval but you never feel comfortable or have them accept you for who you are. And what is the point of expending blood, sweat, and tears for this?
I don't need everybody to like me. I just need the people who are going to like the unfiltered me to like me. This doesn't mean the unfiltered me can't change or be better, and that this better version of myself can't be more appealing to more people. But the main objective should be to be unfiltered. I wrote it long ago - how to gain social graces:
- Spend time with people you want to be like
- Be unfiltered
- Be interested in people
- Try new things
- Pay attention to people's reactions
Paying attention is inner game work
[Several days of introspection and procrastination later...]
Okay, I think I figured it out. The goal of socializing is connection. To know and be known by others. When meeting new people, the goal is to know them at all, and to establish a real connection before the interaction is over. When interacting with existing friends, the goal is to deepen the connection. This matches with the sort of sporting analogy that will fit into TIGOT principles - while there is not an absolute score to refer to at the end of a "match", there is an end result to strive for which is external from the individuals mind and which is created by the interaction of two (or more) individuals. And it matches with the various inner games listed in the book. One can establish connections with the goal of proving themselves good or perfect, or to make friends or gain status, or to have good mental health, have fun, and learn and grow. One's ability to create connection can improve - but in any individual circumstance, it might still be hindered by external factors. Sometimes when you get to know others, you will realize you don't wish to know them further. Sometimes they will realize they don't wish to know you further. Sometimes you'll realize they are right not to want to know you because you're being a weird, toxic asshole.
You start creating connections first by looking and acting friendly and introducing yourself. Because the goal is to know and be known by others, each new interaction is a new opportunity to practice your skills, and thus should be viewed without fear. Because you're trying to create connections with people, they are important, and learning basic information about them - like their name - is important. Because they are important, you will pay attention to them - what they are saying, their facial expression, their body language. Because humor is a big part of one's personality, being able to crack jokes and banter is important. Because not all connection happens in just a single interaction, it is important to trade contact info with people I meet who I would like to further connect with. And because my sexual desires are part of who I am, and half of connection is letting others know yourself, I should flirt with women I'm interested in. Deepening connection with existing friends or new acquaintances is accomplished by sharing things about yourself or asking deepening questions to prompt them to share things about themselves.
Because the goal is to know and be known, and I don't know the best way to do this, it warrants trying new things and conducting social experiments. Because the goal is to know and be known, there is not pressure to "make" people like me by hiding parts of myself - I can have confidence that I can do my best to know and be known, rather than having confidence that people will like me - I can have confidence that it is okay if people *don't* like me.
And by allowing others to know me and taking a genuine interest in others, I will reap social benefits - opportunities for money, experiences, and sex will appear as I connect with more people, and more people who are more interesting to me.
Ok, so then what constitutes performance, and what practice?
Well, performance is.... most everything. Whenever I am meeting new people or interacting with established friends. Most of the difference here might be quantified via how stressful the performance is. If I am feeling low stress about the potential social interaction, I can think of something to try, visualize trying it, trust self 2, and accept the outcome - similar to playing a friendly tennis match with a friend, where you might try to add power to your serve, and don't really care about the score at the end of the game. But if it is a high stress scenario, I can completely focus on relaxed attention.
Explicit practice needs to be explicitly carved out, where I can do drills. And for a drill to be good, it needs to be easily repeatable, provide rapid feedback, and not have long-lasting social impacts.
What are good foci of attention?
The face and body language of the person I'm interested in.
The topic of conversation.
Things I am trying to improve on, like remembering people's names.
The physical sensations of anxiety in my body.
What are good drills?
- Walking up to people, saying hello, and introducing yourself.
- Smiling, at least before and during interactions.
- Eye contact.
- Speaking loudly.
- Doing and saying strange things which might elicit rejection.
- Admitting personal things which might elicit judgement from others.
- Coming up with ideas and jokes on the fly.
- Asking for contact info.
- Asking questions which deepen a conversation.
- Flirting with attractive women.
Been cranking this around in my head for too long. So brain dumping without too much editing just to get it out of my head and move on with taking action.
================================
Application of TIGOT to Social Anxiety
I think here is where TIGOT methods might do a lot of good for me. Social skills, after all, are a skill, and social anxiety is the inner game we play when executing these skills. On the other hand, socializing and tennis are significantly different activities, so I anticipate fabricating a metaphorical adapter will be a bit more work.
Questions I need to answer:
- What constitutes performance, and what practice?
- What are good foci of attention?
- What are good drills?
- What even is the goal?
The last question, what is the goal, seems central. In tennis, the goal is winning - scoring more points than your opponent. In climbing, the goal is sending - getting to the top without falling off. These are so obvious as to not even need to be stated. But in socializing... there is no obvious goal. Based on the header I set for this section, the goal might be said to be avoiding the uncomfortable sensation of social anxiety. Ok, simple - just only interact with people you already know and say things that you are certain will gain approval. That's what most people do most of the time anyway. But this isn't what I want.
What do I want? Well let's start with a specific example, then move outward to generalities.
At the crag the other day, I wish I'd seen other people there, and walked up and introduced myself and said hello happily and confidently,. I wish I'd talked at ease with everyone there. I wish I had had the expectation that everyone there would like me and would want to be my friend. I wish that when I'd talked to people, I would have quickly made a connection and had them smiling and laughing. I wish I'd got everyone's contact information and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there, and if any were available, had gotten their numbers.
At my friend's party, I wish I'd walked in the door excited to meet new people who were probably pretty cool, since they were my friend's friends after all. I wish I'd been relaxed and confident, and had started introducing myself to people immediately. I wish I could have actually remembered people's names. I wish I could have struck up and maintained fun, interesting conversations with them. I wish I could have gotten to know each person, and gotten the contact info of those I found interesting and kept in touch. I wish I'd flirted with the attractive women there and gotten their numbers, and eventually fucked them.
At the improv class I went to a few weeks ago, I wish I'd seen it as a fun opportunity to make new friends. I wish I'd introduced myself to other people before and after. I wish I'd been able to remember people's names. I wish I'd been able to engage in good conversations with people there. I wish I'd stick around afterward to socialize and get to know people. I wish I'd got the number of the girl with the nice ass after getting to know her better, got her out on a date, and fucked her.
One thing to consider is the opposite. Suppose I knew intellectually how to act at all times to get all people to like me... but it took effort. I might not really have fun when I want to. I might need to constantly hide aspects of myself. I might need to say things that I disagree with, or which I know aren't true. This is a sort of cage, where you may have others approval but you never feel comfortable or have them accept you for who you are. And what is the point of expending blood, sweat, and tears for this?
I don't need everybody to like me. I just need the people who are going to like the unfiltered me to like me. This doesn't mean the unfiltered me can't change or be better, and that this better version of myself can't be more appealing to more people. But the main objective should be to be unfiltered. I wrote it long ago - how to gain social graces:
- Spend time with people you want to be like
- Be unfiltered
- Be interested in people
- Try new things
- Pay attention to people's reactions
Paying attention is inner game work
[Several days of introspection and procrastination later...]
Okay, I think I figured it out. The goal of socializing is connection. To know and be known by others. When meeting new people, the goal is to know them at all, and to establish a real connection before the interaction is over. When interacting with existing friends, the goal is to deepen the connection. This matches with the sort of sporting analogy that will fit into TIGOT principles - while there is not an absolute score to refer to at the end of a "match", there is an end result to strive for which is external from the individuals mind and which is created by the interaction of two (or more) individuals. And it matches with the various inner games listed in the book. One can establish connections with the goal of proving themselves good or perfect, or to make friends or gain status, or to have good mental health, have fun, and learn and grow. One's ability to create connection can improve - but in any individual circumstance, it might still be hindered by external factors. Sometimes when you get to know others, you will realize you don't wish to know them further. Sometimes they will realize they don't wish to know you further. Sometimes you'll realize they are right not to want to know you because you're being a weird, toxic asshole.
You start creating connections first by looking and acting friendly and introducing yourself. Because the goal is to know and be known by others, each new interaction is a new opportunity to practice your skills, and thus should be viewed without fear. Because you're trying to create connections with people, they are important, and learning basic information about them - like their name - is important. Because they are important, you will pay attention to them - what they are saying, their facial expression, their body language. Because humor is a big part of one's personality, being able to crack jokes and banter is important. Because not all connection happens in just a single interaction, it is important to trade contact info with people I meet who I would like to further connect with. And because my sexual desires are part of who I am, and half of connection is letting others know yourself, I should flirt with women I'm interested in. Deepening connection with existing friends or new acquaintances is accomplished by sharing things about yourself or asking deepening questions to prompt them to share things about themselves.
Because the goal is to know and be known, and I don't know the best way to do this, it warrants trying new things and conducting social experiments. Because the goal is to know and be known, there is not pressure to "make" people like me by hiding parts of myself - I can have confidence that I can do my best to know and be known, rather than having confidence that people will like me - I can have confidence that it is okay if people *don't* like me.
And by allowing others to know me and taking a genuine interest in others, I will reap social benefits - opportunities for money, experiences, and sex will appear as I connect with more people, and more people who are more interesting to me.
Ok, so then what constitutes performance, and what practice?
Well, performance is.... most everything. Whenever I am meeting new people or interacting with established friends. Most of the difference here might be quantified via how stressful the performance is. If I am feeling low stress about the potential social interaction, I can think of something to try, visualize trying it, trust self 2, and accept the outcome - similar to playing a friendly tennis match with a friend, where you might try to add power to your serve, and don't really care about the score at the end of the game. But if it is a high stress scenario, I can completely focus on relaxed attention.
Explicit practice needs to be explicitly carved out, where I can do drills. And for a drill to be good, it needs to be easily repeatable, provide rapid feedback, and not have long-lasting social impacts.
What are good foci of attention?
The face and body language of the person I'm interested in.
The topic of conversation.
Things I am trying to improve on, like remembering people's names.
The physical sensations of anxiety in my body.
What are good drills?
- Walking up to people, saying hello, and introducing yourself.
- Smiling, at least before and during interactions.
- Eye contact.
- Speaking loudly.
- Doing and saying strange things which might elicit rejection.
- Admitting personal things which might elicit judgement from others.
- Coming up with ideas and jokes on the fly.
- Asking for contact info.
- Asking questions which deepen a conversation.
- Flirting with attractive women.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
-
Svadhishthana
- Posts: 342 | Thanks: 292
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:28 pm
- Goal: Be Free
- Age: 30
- Motto: Climb that goddamned mountain
Application of TIGOT to The Grind
The real thing that got me excited about this book was potential application to performing the chores of day to day life as I work towards my goals.
The thing that struck me was that there was a whole chapter on changing habits. And that chapter is the core of the whole book.
The majority of your life is lived mostly unconsciously. Showering, brushing your teeth, running errands, tidying up, eating, drinking, deciding what to do with friends, deciding what to do alone, etc. These actions are mostly habit - and in the moment, they are mostly outside our control. Sure, you might stop yourself from grabbing a beer or a bag of chips after a stressful day at work - but day after day, this becomes a herculean effort. And then a sisyphian.
Years ago - god, it must have been in 2016 or something - I read Duhigg's The Power of Habit, which basically argued you could use Pavlovian conditioning on yourself. Later I read Clear's Atomic Habits, which argued much the same thing, with a slightly more intelligent angle and an eye towards making changes in identity. However, I was never really able to get the lessons of these books to work as well in real life as I thought I would be able to. The problem is that the brain *knows* you're trying to condition it. If you say "I'll reward myself with a candy bar after I clean up the living room", the brain can easily say "you know you could just eat the candy bar right now without cleaning." There is no outside agent withholding the candy bar - you must rely on your own willpower to do it until the habit is formed, which can take quite a while. And once the habit is formed, it is easy to lose it, since the reward was always external - say you clean your living room for 90 days, rewarding yourself with a candy bar each time. You've established the habit, so now you remove the reward and just do it automatically. But then 6 months later, life stress piles up, you are short on time and energy, and you lose the habit. Now you have to build it up from scratch again. Plus the problem that now you have a craving for a candy bar each time you clean your living room. And if there were some outside agent prodding you to clean the living room and withholding candy bars? Well you'd just resent them for it.
This reminds me of the trend among housewives to hide vegetables inside baked goods. "If the kids eat cookies full of pureed spinach," they think, "then they're eating vegetables and I'm a good Mom." Besides the obvious nutritional downsides of this approach, there is another even bigger downside: the kids are never learning to like vegetables for their own sake. They aren't developing an intrinsic appreciation for what is good for them. As soon as Mom stops hiding spinach in their cookies, they're never going to eat spinach again - until much later when they learn that this approach is detrimental to both their health and social standing.
Similarly, someone who trains themselves to clean the living room at a certain time each day via candy bar rewards might have a clean living room for a while. But it will always be a chore, because they never developed an intrinsic appreciation for having a clean living room, and the task of cleaning which makes it so. The clock-and-candy-bar-motivated person will only clean at their appointed time, is likely to lose the habit, and will always feel that their time and energy is being stolen from them - perhaps by some outside social constraint, or the admonitions of their parents about the right way to live. But an intrinsically motivated person will keep their living room clean whenever they pass through it, quickly and efficiently, without feeling they are losing time. And if they find they need to schedule time to get the job done, they will likely find the time invested to be time well spent.
And this is the key, I think.
Last year, a friend sent out a message to a group of us. "Guys, come to the Tetons next week! You can work remote and climb awesome stuff! We have a free Airbnb!"
It turns out this friend had another friend who she'd met doing her master's at Stanford. And this friend had parents who were two wealthy doctors, who owned two Airbnbs in Jackson, and this was their annual vacation. Walking in the door, I knew none of this. But I was just a few weeks shy of retirement - quitting my job and being free to do whatever I wanted. So when I met the man who owned the Airbnb - a very rich and successful doctor with children who went to MIT and Stanford, who owned multiple properties in Jackson worth multiple millions of dollars - I confidently told him I was about to quit my job and live in a van and go rock climbing. And he liked me for it. Why? Because in that moment, I was a free man. I was his equal - not in income or status or wealth or experience or accomplishments - but in mind. I had taken full responsibility for my life, and was doing exactly what I wanted.
If I could live more and more of my life in this mindset, I think success in pretty much all areas would be inevitable. When the reality of the world is accepted and not bemoaned, and each action is the choice of a free man doing exactly what he wants to do, life is easy. The man is happy. He gets everything done without straining effort, and thus gets them done quicker, better, and with more energy to spare. Because he knows he is doing exactly what he wants to do, he is confident - not that any of his efforts will create success, but that his efforts are the motions of a life well lived. And his confidence and competence in all things will draw people to him, giving him more opportunities to succeed in his goals.
So what I want is to be doing exactly what I want to be doing at all times. But the psychology of habits notes that I will be driven most of the time by practiced habits of behavior. The solution - which keeps coming up time and again - is to change my habits to square with my desires.
Enter TIGOT. How do you change a habit?
First, how do you establish a new good habit?
First, practice nonjudgemental observation. Simply go about your life, noting the things you wish you were doing nonjudgmentally. Then continue nonjudgemental observation until a certain habit strikes you as the thing that most wants to do.
Next, create an image of the result you want.
Then, let go and allow Self 2 to create the result.
Ideally, you can rapidly perform the image creation and then the action, to get feedback quicker.
Then, nonjudgementally observe if Self 2 did as it was asked. If it doesn't after a few times, then observe nonjudgmentally and consider deeper reasons for why Self 2 is creating the desired result, and consider asking Self 2 for specific changes in how it achieves the result instead.
Next, how do you overwrite an existing bad habit?
First, practice nonjudgemental observation. Simply go about your life, noting the things you are doing nonjudgmentally. If you notice yourself berating yourself for engaging in some behavior or habit, notice that, and let go of the judgement. Instead, pay attention to the impulse to take the action. What has just happened? How do you feel? Engage in the action, observing it with curiosity to understand what function the behavior serves. Then continue nonjudgemental observation until a certain habit strikes you as the thing that most wants to change. Nonjudgmentally observe the habit until you find the function that it serves. Then, figure out some other action that can serve the same function. This might include research, or contemplative thought, or just trying things out that you think of. My favorite technique for figuring these things out is to sit down and write about the problem for a while, and then meditate. When meditating, almost inevitably, my brain will get bored of not doing anything, and instead will come up with an excellent answer to the problem I was trying to solve.
Next, create an image of the result you want. This might be simply not engaging in the habit (result) or it might be engaging in a replacement for the habit (form).
Then, let go and allow Self 2 to create the result.
Then, nonjudgmentally observe if the change occured and delve deeper if it did not.
However, exact implementation in real life seems like it will still take some discovery and experimentation. Especially because it very clearly falls into a problem of infinite recursion, where your decision to observe nonjudgmentally is also an action to observe nonjudgmentally, and your action of trying not to try is an act of trying, which you should try not to do.
The real thing that got me excited about this book was potential application to performing the chores of day to day life as I work towards my goals.
The thing that struck me was that there was a whole chapter on changing habits. And that chapter is the core of the whole book.
The majority of your life is lived mostly unconsciously. Showering, brushing your teeth, running errands, tidying up, eating, drinking, deciding what to do with friends, deciding what to do alone, etc. These actions are mostly habit - and in the moment, they are mostly outside our control. Sure, you might stop yourself from grabbing a beer or a bag of chips after a stressful day at work - but day after day, this becomes a herculean effort. And then a sisyphian.
Years ago - god, it must have been in 2016 or something - I read Duhigg's The Power of Habit, which basically argued you could use Pavlovian conditioning on yourself. Later I read Clear's Atomic Habits, which argued much the same thing, with a slightly more intelligent angle and an eye towards making changes in identity. However, I was never really able to get the lessons of these books to work as well in real life as I thought I would be able to. The problem is that the brain *knows* you're trying to condition it. If you say "I'll reward myself with a candy bar after I clean up the living room", the brain can easily say "you know you could just eat the candy bar right now without cleaning." There is no outside agent withholding the candy bar - you must rely on your own willpower to do it until the habit is formed, which can take quite a while. And once the habit is formed, it is easy to lose it, since the reward was always external - say you clean your living room for 90 days, rewarding yourself with a candy bar each time. You've established the habit, so now you remove the reward and just do it automatically. But then 6 months later, life stress piles up, you are short on time and energy, and you lose the habit. Now you have to build it up from scratch again. Plus the problem that now you have a craving for a candy bar each time you clean your living room. And if there were some outside agent prodding you to clean the living room and withholding candy bars? Well you'd just resent them for it.
This reminds me of the trend among housewives to hide vegetables inside baked goods. "If the kids eat cookies full of pureed spinach," they think, "then they're eating vegetables and I'm a good Mom." Besides the obvious nutritional downsides of this approach, there is another even bigger downside: the kids are never learning to like vegetables for their own sake. They aren't developing an intrinsic appreciation for what is good for them. As soon as Mom stops hiding spinach in their cookies, they're never going to eat spinach again - until much later when they learn that this approach is detrimental to both their health and social standing.
Similarly, someone who trains themselves to clean the living room at a certain time each day via candy bar rewards might have a clean living room for a while. But it will always be a chore, because they never developed an intrinsic appreciation for having a clean living room, and the task of cleaning which makes it so. The clock-and-candy-bar-motivated person will only clean at their appointed time, is likely to lose the habit, and will always feel that their time and energy is being stolen from them - perhaps by some outside social constraint, or the admonitions of their parents about the right way to live. But an intrinsically motivated person will keep their living room clean whenever they pass through it, quickly and efficiently, without feeling they are losing time. And if they find they need to schedule time to get the job done, they will likely find the time invested to be time well spent.
And this is the key, I think.
Last year, a friend sent out a message to a group of us. "Guys, come to the Tetons next week! You can work remote and climb awesome stuff! We have a free Airbnb!"
It turns out this friend had another friend who she'd met doing her master's at Stanford. And this friend had parents who were two wealthy doctors, who owned two Airbnbs in Jackson, and this was their annual vacation. Walking in the door, I knew none of this. But I was just a few weeks shy of retirement - quitting my job and being free to do whatever I wanted. So when I met the man who owned the Airbnb - a very rich and successful doctor with children who went to MIT and Stanford, who owned multiple properties in Jackson worth multiple millions of dollars - I confidently told him I was about to quit my job and live in a van and go rock climbing. And he liked me for it. Why? Because in that moment, I was a free man. I was his equal - not in income or status or wealth or experience or accomplishments - but in mind. I had taken full responsibility for my life, and was doing exactly what I wanted.
If I could live more and more of my life in this mindset, I think success in pretty much all areas would be inevitable. When the reality of the world is accepted and not bemoaned, and each action is the choice of a free man doing exactly what he wants to do, life is easy. The man is happy. He gets everything done without straining effort, and thus gets them done quicker, better, and with more energy to spare. Because he knows he is doing exactly what he wants to do, he is confident - not that any of his efforts will create success, but that his efforts are the motions of a life well lived. And his confidence and competence in all things will draw people to him, giving him more opportunities to succeed in his goals.
So what I want is to be doing exactly what I want to be doing at all times. But the psychology of habits notes that I will be driven most of the time by practiced habits of behavior. The solution - which keeps coming up time and again - is to change my habits to square with my desires.
Enter TIGOT. How do you change a habit?
First, how do you establish a new good habit?
First, practice nonjudgemental observation. Simply go about your life, noting the things you wish you were doing nonjudgmentally. Then continue nonjudgemental observation until a certain habit strikes you as the thing that most wants to do.
Next, create an image of the result you want.
Then, let go and allow Self 2 to create the result.
Ideally, you can rapidly perform the image creation and then the action, to get feedback quicker.
Then, nonjudgementally observe if Self 2 did as it was asked. If it doesn't after a few times, then observe nonjudgmentally and consider deeper reasons for why Self 2 is creating the desired result, and consider asking Self 2 for specific changes in how it achieves the result instead.
Next, how do you overwrite an existing bad habit?
First, practice nonjudgemental observation. Simply go about your life, noting the things you are doing nonjudgmentally. If you notice yourself berating yourself for engaging in some behavior or habit, notice that, and let go of the judgement. Instead, pay attention to the impulse to take the action. What has just happened? How do you feel? Engage in the action, observing it with curiosity to understand what function the behavior serves. Then continue nonjudgemental observation until a certain habit strikes you as the thing that most wants to change. Nonjudgmentally observe the habit until you find the function that it serves. Then, figure out some other action that can serve the same function. This might include research, or contemplative thought, or just trying things out that you think of. My favorite technique for figuring these things out is to sit down and write about the problem for a while, and then meditate. When meditating, almost inevitably, my brain will get bored of not doing anything, and instead will come up with an excellent answer to the problem I was trying to solve.
Next, create an image of the result you want. This might be simply not engaging in the habit (result) or it might be engaging in a replacement for the habit (form).
Then, let go and allow Self 2 to create the result.
Then, nonjudgmentally observe if the change occured and delve deeper if it did not.
However, exact implementation in real life seems like it will still take some discovery and experimentation. Especially because it very clearly falls into a problem of infinite recursion, where your decision to observe nonjudgmentally is also an action to observe nonjudgmentally, and your action of trying not to try is an act of trying, which you should try not to do.
Previous goals:
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).
- Retire in early 2022 with combo index funds / real estate. (Complete, late)
- Get fit (hotter, more athletic, more injury-resistant). (Ill defined, but improved)
- Get laid at least one more time before 30th birthday (Complete).