Afraid of getting herpes

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Squilliam
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Tue Feb 08, 2022 3:50 pm

Before everybody goes off on me, yes, I've done my research. I am aware that lots of people have HSV (like 40-50%), and I get that the virus itself is mostly harmless and a non issue.

I'm mostly just afraid of the social stigma of having it. I don't want to have to have that awkward, uncomfortable conversation with every potential sex partner.

I feel like if I get herpes, I can say goodbye to ever having casual sex again.

I've been afraid to the point where I refused a blowjob. However, I realize that kissing exposes myself as well. Plus I don't want to live my life in fear. It seems like plenty of people get BJs without a condom and they're fine.

I know I sound neurotic, but I'd be curious to hear if anybody shares a similar worry or if someone who has HSV can tell me about their successful sex life.

I really wanna 69 with my FWB tonight. ;(
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pancakemouse
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Tue Feb 08, 2022 5:44 pm

There is no social stigma around having HSV1. You're thinking of HSV2. Only 12% of people have HSV2 and these are mostly concentrated among low-income sectors that you'd rarely come into contact with.

I've probably gotten head from like... 80 (?) girls in my life, most with high body counts, and have never even had so much as symptoms of HSV1 or HSV2.

(I've also hooked up with two different girls who revealed to me pre-date that they had HSV2. They were both symptomless and taking Valtrex, and we used a condom. I chose to take the risk in this case as it was only one time and the risk for protected, symptomless sex with an HSV2 person is also extremely low)
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Dewm
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Tue Feb 08, 2022 6:13 pm

Ahh herpes the real kissing virus.

My girl in CA revealed she had the mouth one, which can transfer to genitals, but we just avoided kissing and oral when she had an outbreak.

Look man even if you do get it - what is it really? A skin condition. Big whoop. Get it don't get it. Just live a healthy life via diet and exercise you'll be good.
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Squilliam
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Tue Feb 08, 2022 7:04 pm

pancakemouse wrote:
Tue Feb 08, 2022 5:44 pm
There is no social stigma around having HSV1. You're thinking of HSV2. Only 12% of people have HSV2 and these are mostly concentrated among low-income sectors that you'd rarely come into contact with.
Genital herpes can be caused by HSV1 and HSV2. It's a common misconception that each type only causes oral or genital. I assume you mean genital herpes has a stigma but oral does not. To clarify I'm much more concerned about getting genital.

I appreciate your anecdote.
Dewm wrote:
Tue Feb 08, 2022 6:13 pm
Look man even if you do get it - what is it really? A skin condition. Big whoop. Get it don't get it. Just live a healthy life via diet and exercise you'll be good.
I've already said that it's not the virus itself that I'm concerned about. I am well aware that herpes is damn near harmless compared to something like HIV.

It's the fact that I'm still sexually inexperienced, I wanted to have more casual sex, go swinging, have a threesome etc, and it seems like if I get herpes I can forget about any of those things, and I'll have to purely stick to long term monogamous relationships where the girl can look past it.

I'm much more afraid of the stigma than the virus itself.
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TKO
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Sun May 29, 2022 2:07 pm

Lol, I remember that time I have like sex without condon several times with a chinese prostitute (she was like a porn acctress or something, too much to resist) . I got obssesed with getting AIDS (didnt get it).

I will research this thing of herpes.
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Astronaut
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Thu Sep 01, 2022 3:40 pm

LOL, and here I was thinking that I was afraid of getting it. You're on the next fucking level bro!

The HSV-1 virus you already have. If it doesn't show up as cold sores around your mouth, then you're just asymptomatic. But you definitely do have the HSV-1. So (unless I'm getting something wrong here) BECAUSE you have the HSV-1 virus already, you can't get it again from a girl giving you a blowjob. Just take it easy on that part at least. It's like every time I kiss someone with cold sores, I don't give them the HSV-1, because they already have it.

HSV-2 is the one worth thinking a little bit about. Genital herpes. All you can do is (1) don't fuck people who tell you they have genital herpes, (2) always use a condom. Getting HSV-2 is not the end of the world, you might already have it and be asymptomatic to it as well, etc.

At some point it's just something like "Did you do everything you rationally could have done without fucking up your life to avoid this?" and if the answer is yes, then no regrets go ahead. You're gonna have sex, you're gonna get blowjobs etc., educate yourself on the risks, accept them, and accept it as just being life if it happens it happens, you'll figure it out whichever way it goes.

This article kind of "downplays" the STDs a little, but it's a good one to read if you're stuck in that irrational fear cycle and refusing blowjobs because of it: https://markmanson.net/std-guide
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Tue Sep 13, 2022 12:53 am

Okay bro I'm gonna level with you. It's not a big deal. I used to think it was, but it really isn't at all and you shouldn't be concerned even if you do get it. Like you said, it's harmless. At most, it's annoying.

I have herpes. HSV-2. I got it when I was 21, had one outbreak on my dick, very minor, and an outbreak on my lips.

Now I get cold sores maybe once a year if I'm highly stressed/immune system is shit/sunburned, and they're easily manageable through antiviral meds, supplements and generally a clean, healthy lifestyle.

Stop stressing bro, go get your dick sucked.
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Squilliam
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Tue Sep 13, 2022 2:33 am

Astronaut wrote:
Thu Sep 01, 2022 3:40 pm
The HSV-1 virus you already have. If it doesn't show up as cold sores around your mouth, then you're just asymptomatic. But you definitely do have the HSV-1. So (unless I'm getting something wrong here) BECAUSE you have the HSV-1 virus already, you can't get it again from a girl giving you a blowjob. Just take it easy on that part at least. It's like every time I kiss someone with cold sores, I don't give them the HSV-1, because they already have it.
How would you know I already have it?. While a fairly large percentage of people do have it, there is also a large percentage of people who don't have it. I had a full STD panel done when I was 20. I was negative for HSV-1. Granted, I've had a good portion of my sexual encounters after that, so it's still possible I have it. I've never had a cold sore. So as far as I know, I don't have it.
Astronaut wrote:
Thu Sep 01, 2022 3:40 pm
HSV-2 is the one worth thinking a little bit about. Genital herpes. All you can do is (1) don't fuck people who tell you they have genital herpes, (2) always use a condom. Getting HSV-2 is not the end of the world, you might already have it and be asymptomatic to it as well, etc.

At some point it's just something like "Did you do everything you rationally could have done without fucking up your life to avoid this?" and if the answer is yes, then no regrets go ahead. You're gonna have sex, you're gonna get blowjobs etc., educate yourself on the risks, accept them, and accept it as just being life if it happens it happens, you'll figure it out whichever way it goes.

This article kind of "downplays" the STDs a little, but it's a good one to read if you're stuck in that irrational fear cycle and refusing blowjobs because of it: https://markmanson.net/std-guide
HSV-2 I'm actually less worried about because it's far less common. I always use condoms when having penetrative sex, I try to be as careful as possible.
Drama wrote:
Tue Sep 13, 2022 12:53 am
Okay bro I'm gonna level with you. It's not a big deal. I used to think it was, but it really isn't at all and you shouldn't be concerned even if you do get it. Like you said, it's harmless. At most, it's annoying.

I have herpes. HSV-2. I got it when I was 21, had one outbreak on my dick, very minor, and an outbreak on my lips.

Now I get cold sores maybe once a year if I'm highly stressed/immune system is shit/sunburned, and they're easily manageable through antiviral meds, supplements and generally a clean, healthy lifestyle.

Stop stressing bro, go get your dick sucked.
Ok, let me ask you this. Do you disclose that you have herpes to every girl you fuck? If the answer is no, I can't say your story will make me feel any better. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I withheld that information from her. It is contagious even if you're asymptomatic. To me, it seems like it is best to just never get tested if you don't show symptoms.

My dating life is rough as hell as is, and this is without having the burden of disclosure. I've always felt like I can kiss my casual sex life goodbye if I get herpes. And not disclosing just doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

Then again, I imagine if you become a very high value, attractive man, then herpes isn't going to stop you.
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Drama
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Tue Sep 13, 2022 11:16 pm

Squilliam wrote:
Tue Sep 13, 2022 2:33 am
Ok, let me ask you this. Do you disclose that you have herpes to every girl you fuck? If the answer is no, I can't say your story will make me feel any better. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I withheld that information from her. It is contagious even if you're asymptomatic. To me, it seems like it is best to just never get tested if you don't show symptoms.

My dating life is rough as hell as is, and this is without having the burden of disclosure. I've always felt like I can kiss my casual sex life goodbye if I get herpes. And not disclosing just doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

Then again, I imagine if you become a very high value, attractive man, then herpes isn't going to stop you.
Yeah, it's contagious even if you're asymptomatic, which about 70-80% of the population is. Do you think many people go on a date and tell them before they even kiss that they get cold sores? Nope. You know why? Cause it's not a big deal. They don't even test for it in STD tests because it's so minor of a thing that doctors don't even care about it.

I tell my girls if I'm in the middle of an outbreak (keep in mind I only get it on my lips now). Most of the time, they actually don't give a shit and still see me anyway.

I don't mean to be patronising, but it seems like you've got some bigger self-image/inner game problems if you're worrying this much. Try focus on getting on your purpose, hitting the gym, getting into abundance mindset and you won't stress about herpes.
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Squilliam
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Wed Sep 14, 2022 12:19 am

Drama wrote:
Tue Sep 13, 2022 11:16 pm
I don't mean to be patronising, but it seems like you've got some bigger self-image/inner game problems if you're worrying this much. Try focus on getting on your purpose, hitting the gym, getting into abundance mindset and you won't stress about herpes.
First of all, 80% is likely an exaggerated number, I do not believe that the infected population is that high. I know many stats say 50-80% but that's just an estimate. The CDC said about 45% iirc, which is still a lot but that still means over half the population does not have it.

I'm not really concerned about oral herpes, at least not anywhere near as much as genital. I mean, it's no surprise that it hasn't affected your sex life given that you don't disclose.

However, I personally don't think I could live with myself doing that.

Yes I have those problems, and that's why I'm working on them. If you look at the first post on this thread, you'll see I posted this like a month after I joined the forums.

The reason why this makes me so neurotic is because I can barely get girls to have sex with me as is. So why do I need this added obstacle?

Not disclosing just seems wrong. It's taking away her ability to make an informed decision about sexual health, and in the small chance that she does get infected, what am I gonna do? I'll have a whole slew of drama to deal with.

Point is, I can't really accept your reassurance. If you don't disclose, obviously it won't affect you. My fear and neuroticism has never been related to herpes itself, but the burden of having to disclose. I'm less afraid of getting HIV than I am herpes.

I think oral herpes would mostly be a non-issue even for guys who aren't very high value, even if disclosed. I wouldn't doubt that most girls either already have that or are not too concerned about it.

I'm much more scared of genital herpes. Genital herpes on the other hand has a massive stigma, and it's much less prevalent than oral herpes (only about 15% I believe). You can get HSV-1 genital from a blowjob. I've literally refused blowjobs because of this. The girl mentioned in this post ended up being HSV-1 positive. I think her behavior was wrong. Not because she didn't disclose upfront (still kinda conflicted about that), but because I did bring up the subject of STDs and she did not volunteer the information at that point, rather saying she was clean. Not disclosing it unprompted is one thing, given how common it is. However, I feel like here she basically lied by omission.


I just can't wrap my head around why any girl would knowingly sleep with a guy who has herpes when she has hundreds of other options on tinder at any given moment. I honestly wouldn't blame her. Why would she risk getting a life-long STD just to have sex with some guy who might ghost her the next day? Just some food for thought. I'm not a 0.1% guy who will be so valuable that I can't be replaced. I don't mean to be doomer, I'm all for making myself the best I can be and becoming attractive and high value, but I don't think any amount of self improvement would get me to the point I just specified. I could be wrong about this, but I'm hard pressed to believe that it would.


I guess if I had enough abundance herpes wouldn't be an issue, I'd be bound to run into a girl who has it or doesn't care at some point. But with my currently limited amount of options, this is not something I can afford to deal with right now. I'm working on changing that, but as we all know, that takes time. I hit the gym 3-4 times a week now. I'm currently in the best shape of my life but there is still a lot of work to do.

I digress. Whew, that was a mouthful. Sorry for all the rambling.
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Drama
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Wed Sep 14, 2022 4:34 am

WHO says 66.6% have hsv-1 and 13% hsv-2, so that's 80% - https://www.who.int/news/item/01-05-202 ... %20herpes).

I'm not gonna reply to that whole message you just wrote, but given you're spending so much time thinking and writing about this, it tells me your mind is constantly preocuppied with this trivial thing.

I didn't mean to put you down in this message or the last, but the way I see it, you really need to get over this paranoid state about something really insignificant that hasn't even happened to you.

Look at it this way - if you kiss even two people, you're statistically likely to have been exposed to it (not contracted, exposed). I'm assuming you've kissed at least 2 girls. If you want to continue hooking up you have to accept that there's a risk involved. There are risks involved with any casual sex, no matter what. Even if you're in an LTR, there are risks. Fuck, there are risks everywhere in life, is that going to stop you from living?

Good luck mate.
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Wed Sep 14, 2022 4:55 am

Brother @Squilliam

You have an incredible talent of wasting time on minor things.
I tell you what, even porn actors don't get tested for Herpes, and there are active ones that still work with type 2.

I dated girls that had type 1 and never told me anything, and when i knew my reaction was "not a big deal" because it isn't a big deal.

But most important, you seem to have a way to take and torture reality to fit into your frame, what's the whole point of asking if you aren't really listening?
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Wed Sep 14, 2022 4:58 am

AskTheDom wrote:
Wed Sep 14, 2022 4:55 am
Brother @Squilliam

You have an incredible talent of wasting time on minor things.
lmfao
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Squilliam
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Wed Sep 14, 2022 5:00 am

Drama wrote:
Wed Sep 14, 2022 4:34 am
Look at it this way - if you kiss even two people, you're statistically likely to have been exposed to it (not contracted, exposed). I'm assuming you've kissed at least 2 girls. If you want to continue hooking up you have to accept that there's a risk involved. There are risks involved with any casual sex, no matter what. Even if you're in an LTR, there are risks. Fuck, there are risks everywhere in life, is that going to stop you from living?
You're right, casual sex has risks and I accept them. It's kind of a catch-22 though. My fears are linked back to me not being able to have casual sex. So not having casual sex kinda defeats the purpose.

For the record, it doesn't really stop me from living. I mean, I turned down the blowjob, but I've never outright refused sex due to a girl having herpes. Even in the case of the girl who declined to mention it, my primary issue there is the breach of trust, not the herpes.

You're right though. It's stupid to make such a big deal out of something I don't even have to deal with.
AskTheDom wrote:
Wed Sep 14, 2022 4:55 am
You have an incredible talent of wasting time on minor things.
I tell you what, even porn actors don't get tested for Herpes, and there are active ones that still work with type 2.

I dated girls that had type 1 and never told me anything, and when i knew my reaction was "not a big deal" because it isn't a big deal.

But most important, you seem to have a way to take and torture reality to fit into your frame, what's the whole point of asking if you aren't really listening?
Yep I waste too much time. Genuinely considering only using the forum for my log until I get better. Reading logs of guys more advanced than me has not been helping with my mental health either so I figured I should just focus on action & updating my log.
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Wed Sep 14, 2022 7:08 pm

I just got out of the docs office, told me I had herpes

Just gulf down the pills, they give you

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