Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:00 pm
THE PHOENIX PROJECT WEEK 9
WED 12/01/2022
(1) AA Program: Week 1 Day 6 Drills 3hrs (DONE, failed 4th time)
(2) Gym (DONE)
In Process
(3) Online Dating
(4) Stretching
(5) Copywriitng
Notes:
THE HARDCASE KING IS IN THIS BITCH
Was out there, and it was brutal. Failed again. Just totally stuck. It was even more challenging than any of the other days. After about an hour, I simply could not break through. I spent a further 2hrs and couldn’t do shit. I am currently experiencing anxiety related heart pain. Yes, it was that bad.
I understand at this point that I am dealing with a whole lot.
The human female has twisted my mind into god damn knots over 12 years of this shit, so it will take quite a while to unravel this and work it out.
And you know what?
Every failure is one step closer to success.
Every day I am willing to fail.
I will fail until the end of my life if need be.
Why?
I know what it is going to take for a guy like me.
MAC APPROACH THOUGHTS:
To kind of help me process the insane shit that comes up in my head when trying to approach, I have been advised by The Volume God (Colgate, Mass Approacher of Mass Approachers) to just write out some post-approaching rage-fuelled thoughts.
As a guy who the human female has attempted to wipe out the gene pool for 12 god damn years, the experience of approaching them is a savage one. At times, I experience a level of absolutely pathological hatred that actually shakes me to the core.
From 18-24 I approached around 2-3k, mostly at night, and just got shit shoved in my face, year in, year out.
I left it for almost 10 damn years, and it just burrowed deeper and deeper into me. Now, having returned, the experience is insane.
My nervous system and subconscious has decided that women = extreme pain, and it does all it can to keep me away from them.
It is a tough situation to deal with.
The mission is to become successful with women. The mission is to fix myself. The mission is to find a good gal and start a family. In this world, it is VERY HARD to find a decent chick who is marriageable. Most of them are FAR from it. That’s the way it goes, and they will find some dude to put a ring on their finger no matter the level of degenerate they are. There is no accountability for women and the cycle just continues. The less said about the state of the modern woman, the better. No offence to them – not that it would matter either way.
There is no option to fail in this mission. It is OK if I die trying. If I drop dead in the process, that’s acceptable. But while I can draw air, the mission must be executed. No excuses.
I can hate it, it can break me off. But I will give everything I have in my mind and body. End of.
Given that I will have to make this work, how can I move forward?
When I approach a woman, I am damn near losing my mind.
I am not joking.
My body enters fight or flight, and rather than going into flight, which there is no reason for me to, I go into fight, and my brain generates truly savage rage. Furious, vengeful rage.
It will probably do this for while. We may be here for 6 months.
I can accept that. That is what it will take.
The level of fight sometimes is so overwhelming I do not approach as I fear behaving inappropriately.
This is not always how I was. When I was approaching in my early years, I never had this.
I was a good boy and wanted a girlfriend. For some reason, wanting a girlfriend was the most important thing in the world to me (sad) and at 18-19 I was damn near obsessed with trying to find someone. And from there, I got my ass schlapped, for no reason.
A tragic tale, right? That’s life.
Got put through the grinder for no reason at all. Brutal, really horrible experiences over and over. What was the sense in it? There wasn’t any. You play the cards you're dealt.
At the start, I didn’t know anything about approaching or whatnot. Just a regular dude who would develop a crush and ask a chick out. I was not received well to put it mildly. Really nasty shit. I remember the first girl I asked out in my life, she gave me her number. I was stoked. She texted me telling me she wasn’t interested but was flattered. I was honestly just so happy she texted me I didn’t even care. 48Hrs later, a brutal night of her friends finding me in a club and laughing at my audacity for asking her out, how I am the “ugliest guy in the year” and how I was insane for thinking she’d say yes. I was actually friends with these chicks at the time, and they stopped talking to me because I asked their friend out. She was actually a really pretty Indian chick and I understand she was out of my league but to lose a bunch of friends and shit was rough on my young mind.
Went to Uni, and experiences with women got way, way, way worse.
After crying myself to sleep after a house party I woke up the next day and decided I would change. Took to the internet, found pick up, and took action.
2 years of straight balls to the wall effort. But I was developing higher and higher anxiety throughout the process. It didn't work.
My mind was destroyed at that point and I lost all faith in women and compassion for them as humans. What I felt didn’t matter, because they didn’t care. My view would change nothing, because I didn’t matter. I checked out for a few months from dating, and then tried the apps.
Online dating was even worse. I tried for YEARS, getting 2 – 3 matches the entire time. And they wouldn’t respond.
It took from 18 – 27, so almost 10 straight years of effort, for me to give up.
I gave up for 2 years, 27-29. Avoided women in my personal life. Had a bunch of them as friends through work and we’d hang out, but I was clear to them that I do not date and I do not pursue women. They didn’t really get it. But they were kind to me. I needed it, and I appreciate it to this day.
The pain never went away. It just sat there and haunted me even though I tried so hard to avoid women, a voice in my head would not shut up, it would never stop nagging at me. “You are not going to amount to shit. You are always going to know in your heart you are a fucking loser who got rejected as a human”
Worked so hard, did everything I could, it never went away.
At 29, I had to face the music. Decided I would either become successful ot die trying.
So here I am. GRINDING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
ALL I DO IS HUSTLE.
Killed it in the gym. Smashed work. Went to do the AA program for 3 hours. Had a total meltdown, as is the case every day, and now I am typing this before much more hustle takes place.
12 years of shitstorm with women has put so much horrible shit in my psyche and I am deeply resentful for the pain and suffering many of them caused me. It eats at you, it really torments you, but at the same time, I find a savage drive in it.
If I was to stop, the enemy will have won. They would have gotten their way.
One thing I know about myself is I am one of life’s truly relentless individuals.
And that is why the enemy picked the wrong one.
Even in spite of it’s senseless, mindless wrath, it went for me when I was weak. When I was 18-24, my mind was fragile, I was insecure, lost, scared. It tried to finish me off when I was vulnerable.
Lions are built different from jackals. Even coming from all that shit, I still managed to get 9 dates. Even coming from all that shit, I still managed to get date #9 to come to my apartment.
I suffered for it, I put in a level of work that borders on total obsession, every god damn day of my life.
Yes, I am beat down. Yes, I am dealing with high levels of trauma. Yes, my nervous system is freaking the hell out and it should be damn near impossible for a guy like me to be able to complete the AA program.
And yet I will succeed.
Like all pathetic bullies, the enemy is in fact weak.
It preys on insecurity, on fear, on negative emotions that otherwise decent people feel. It tries to amplify these and uses it’s sick mind games to torment, day and night, for no reason other than it’s own perverse amusement.
I am no longer a scared kid. I am 30 year old, battle hardened MAC.
I have learned a lot in my life, and I know how to defeat this enemy. How you defeat the enemy is you face them head on, every single day, with increasing determination. You attack it relentless, day in, day out, and be willing to fight to the last drop of blood.
It takes true Churchillian grit to defeat an enemy of this sort. In a cabinet meeting that galvanised the British to fully commit to war, when the allies were in a disgustingly tough situation when hope was beginning to be lost, Sir Winston Churchill led a pivotal cabinet meeting where he was able to evoke some really sentimental feelings in the team of senior ministers, which only he really could have done given he was an aristocrat and from a British dynasty: “If the long history of our island is to come to an end, let it end only when each of us lies choking in his own blood on the ground”.
Even when the odds are looking FUCKING MISERABLE, if you have the heart and drive in yourself to go high in life, you make the decision to gut it up or die trying.
No sane person would still be on this journey. I know of hardly any motherfuckers on this planet who have had an experience with women like mine. The only dude I can draw inspiration from is The Bastard. Because it has been done once before by a true hardcase, it can be done for me also.
I do not expect a breakthrough before a year or so of this shit.
If I can pull this off…..If I can complete this program, in my own eyes, I will be a king for the rest of my life.
Just to fucking be able to approach a woman without my brain and body going into full on meltdown will be the sweetest victory I could ever experience.
Even if the hatred I have for women never dissipates, and I fight it until my last breath on this earth, if I can beat this program, I know when I look in the mirror in the morning, I will not see a reject, a loser, but one of the most gritty, determined fucking dudes out there. That is enough for me.
I will be back tomorrow.
And I will keep pushing.
Come hell or high water.
MAC
Last edited by
MakingAComeback on Wed Jan 12, 2022 9:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.
