Listen to the audio version of this article, where I go into more detail and talk about things not covered in this article:
Here’s an exercise I want you to do right now. Ask yourself this question:
What do I want?
Come up with all the goals you want to work on, all the things you want to achieve, the person you want to become. Tell me the things you’d give anything to have, even if you think they’re years away (or maybe altogether impossible).
Then I want you to ask yourself this question:
What do I think I deserve?
Often you’ll find there’s a huge discrepancy between what you want, and what you think you actually deserve. Sometimes there’s a disconnect.
Maybe you feel like the things you want are way too far off; like you’re at the bottom of the mountain, unsure how the hell you’ll ever get to the top. Well, the answer to that is simple – one step at a time, as I wrote in my Slight Edge article. That old cliché holds true; the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. Stop looking so far ahead, stop obsessing about how far you still have to go, and just do what’s right in front of you: take it one single day at a time.
Other times you feel like you simply aren’t good enough to have the things you want; like your goals are things only “cool” people get to have, or guys who are “good enough” or “worthy”. I’ve covered that here: You Deserve to Be Here. Sometimes you even feel completely hopeless, convinced there’s no possible way you’ll ever make it. If so, read this: What to do When You Feel Hopeless and Helpless.
It doesn’t really matter why there’s a disconnect; all that matters is you recognise it and be aware of the fact you feel like you don’t deserve your goals. Because otherwise you’ll likely end up self-sabotaging, not going all-in, being too afraid of failure and not doing whatever it takes to win.
And believe me, I’ve been there myself. I spent the longest time self-sabotaging, not doing whatever it took to succeed, because I was convinced I didn’t “deserve” to get laid. I ended up taking 5 months off from self-improvement/getting laid and just sat around depressed and miserable, making the excuse of “I have to fix a health issue” that really wasn’t that big a deal. I did that because I was scared, I was terrified that I didn’t deserve to reach my goals.
I did the same thing with this site and my coaching, spending the first 2 years making practically no money and having to work a full-time job at the same time, all because I was convinced I didn’t ever “deserve” to be a full-time coach.
That disconnect between “what I want” and “what I deserve” isn’t something you need to beat yourself up over. Often the cure is to just be aware of it, do everything you can to make sure you don’t self-sabotage, and then push forward towards your goals in spite of the disconnect. Almost everything I ever achieved was in spite of the fact I really didn’t think I deserved it. In fact, I’m pretty much always full of doubt, but I still manage to achieve my goals. Just because you don’t believe you deserve your goals, doesn’t mean you’re correct.
So go back and ask yourself those two questions. “What do I want? What do I think I deserve?” If there’s a disconnect, admit it and start being aware of it. Beat it by sharing it on my forums and ask for help overcoming it, or hit me up for coaching and we’ll tackle it together. Often just the fact you’re aware of the disconnect is enough to stop you self-sabotaging.
I’ll leave you with something tangentially-related I wrote to a guy on my forums: “When you get to the finish line you won’t give a shit how long it took you. You’ll just be happy to be there.”
The Slight Edge: https://kyil-extra.com/slight-edge/
When You Feel Hopeless and Helpless: https://killyourinnerloser.com/hopeless-and-helpless/
You Deserve to Be Here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1279346/7300288
I am Always Full of Doubt: https://killyourinnerloser.com/doubt/
My Forums: https://killyourinnerloser.com/forums/
Coaching with Me: https://killyourinnerloser.com/coaching/
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