notAndy's AA Program Log - Day 46. Finished :)

[notAndy]

Day 16b

Asking for high-fives was difficult today. For about twenty minutes I was walking around and asked for high-fives, although not many. For most women I initially wanted to approach I came up with an excuse why I couldn't. After a few unsuccessful attempts I wanted to quit the drill. I asked myself, why I am not getting any high-fives today and all the usual excuses came up.
It is too cold and people are closed-off.
People have both their hands occupied with umbrellas + whatever else.
High-fiving strangers is not "culturally appropriate" (wtf does that even mean?).

At one point I realized I was only making excuses. So I dug a little deeper. What feeling was I trying to cover up?
After some soul-searching I concluded that the real reason I didn't want to continue was the fact that I felt stupid.
I felt stupid doing the same thing and not getting the response I want.
I felt stupid sayng the same phrase over and over again without success.
I didn't want to look stupid to other people.

I accepted that was the reason why I made all those excuses.
Once I've reach that understanding, approaching got a lot easier. Still not as easy or fun as it was on day 14 and 15 but better than earlier and the day before.
I got two high-fives and one of them was so fucking enthusiastic she actually hurt my hand.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Although I barely progressed on the drill itself, I feel today I've uncovered some important emotional baggage that was holding me back. Emotionally I've made quite some progress.

[notAndy]

Day 16c

Last night I started re-reading "Letting Go" by David Hawkins. The first time I read it I didn't even finish the book and felt it wasn't really helpful.
I'm only 20 or so pages in but this time I felt there is something I must have missed on my first read.

I decided to incorporate letting go into the drill:
- Letting go of the want to not look stupid.
- Letting go of doing/saying the same thing over and over again with
- Letting go of the concerns or excuses that would come up before an approach.
- Letting go of needing to get a certain result.

The difference was night and day. Withing about ten minutes I got five high-fives. My body language was way more inviting, I had a huge smile on my face, people were so much more receptive and I felt the fun coming back.
This change is quite incredible. The streets were pretty much deserted due to the cold and shops being closed on Sundays but I still outperformed myself compared to the last two days.


LESSONS LEARNED

- There's a reason why Andy and others recommend Letting Go. It fucking works.


Also, first vlog I did in a single take

[notAndy]

Day 16d

I did it! I finished my drill. I got ten high-fives during my lunch break (got two more yesterday after updating my log), including two from women who were smoking and one who was eating.
Today I had to do a ton of approaches (which was pretty easy) to get the high-fives, but I didn't care that it took me 40 minutes, I'm finally done. Fuck, that was a lot of (inner) work.

But I've learned a lot about myself and am super satisfied with the fact that I didn't go the easy route and just skipped the drill or even abandoned the entire program.
When I started the AA Program I wasn't sure how serious I really was about doing it but now I'm pretty confident that I will finish the program.

Despite having asked numerous girls for high-fives, none of the interactions today struck me as remarkable.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Getting over a hump is so much more satisfying than giving up. The self-respect you gain for not quitting when things become hard is worth every second you battle your demons.

[notAndy]

Day 17a

3x
sing ABCDEFG to a girl, leave.
sing ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP to a girl, leave.
sing ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRSTUV to a girl, leave.
sing ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRSTUV WXY&Z to a girl, leave.

Challenge: Sing the ABCs over and over until the girl leaves.


This drill is hard.
I struggled with day 16 quite a bit but this is a whole different level. While doing high-fives was kind of random, it was fun and I felt those people that gave me one had their otherwise grey and monotone day brightened. Singing the ABC just felt so excruciatingly awkward and weird. I don't remember the last time I experienced something that made me feel like that.

I only did four approaches.

- The first one was actually the very first girl I saw. She was walking towards me and I just slowed down, said "hey" to get her attention and started singing. I was done before she passed me but she just pretended I wasn't there.
- The second one gave me just an annoyed look and walked away.
- The third one was a girl who was standing around, looking at her phone. When I said "hey" she didn't even notice me. I started singing anyways and halfway through she turns to me, gets startled and walks away.
- The fourth one was an older woman (late 40s/early 50s). She was window shopping and when I started singing to her, she asked "what is this?" She didn't seem confused or bothered or anything, rather just cuirious. I just kept singing and she turned away but didn't leave, so I did once I was finished.

After that last rep I was done. I couldn't bring myself to do another approach, I felt so uncomfortable.

I had to check the day 17 vlogs of @KillYourInnerLoser, @Manganiello and @Toast.
They all echoed the sentiment that this drill was the hardest so far - I'm glad to know it's not just me. That also means I can push through and do this.

Tomorrow I'll redo the whole drill because I need the exposure.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Just because I feel uncomfortable doesn't mean that anything bad will happen.

[notAndy]

Day 17b

35 minutes. That's all it took to sing the ABC 12 times (13 actually). I'm so glad I pushed myself today to do the whole drill.
Initially it wasn't easy. I vividly remembered my first attempt and how uncomfortable that made me feel.
However, unlike on Tuesday, today the drill got easier the longer I did it. By #6 I could really feel myself gaining social momentum and I actually started to relax into the situation.

I also got some great reactions. Girl #4 was smiling through the entire thing and when I got to Y I pointed at her and she said Z. I think my body language shifted and that's what made people more at ease. One woman was almost bursting out laughing while another one gave me a look of sympathy, almost as if she knew how uncomfortable that was for me.
I even did one approach with other people around. As I was done, I saw this guy stare at me confused and I just held eye contact and smiled until he looked away.

The best thing about today's drill is this feeling of inner lightness once I finished. It was as if a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders and I simply cared less about other people's opinion. I even recorded my vlog with other people around and was not one bit uncomfortable doing that. This is not something I could have done two weeks ago.

Also, I wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who came before me and posted their experience. You guys gave me the determination to finish today's drill.


LESSONS LEARNED

- My body-language/how I feel about a situation seems to affect how people feel around me.
- Just because things get difficult doesn't mean I can't do it.
- Big challenges lead to bigger growth.

[Olafsmash]

good job mate your fucking doing it, keep going and dont give up
most people quit

[notAndy]

Day 18

5x
Time, Leave
Time, Random Question - Do you like my shirt?, Leave
Time, Random Question - Do you like my shirt?, I just got it and I can't decide, Leave
Time, Random Question - Do you like my shirt?, I just got it and I can't decide, I'm going to wear it and keep the tag on so I can return it, Leave

Today was pretty easy, especially compared to days 16 and 17. I got my 20 approaches without much of a problem. I did sometimes get too much into my head before doing an approach (and as a consequence more often than not, I didn't approach) but all things considered, I'm pretty satisfied with myself.
I realized how much more relaxed I was today compared to the first days of the program. Having a short conversation with a stranger felt almost natural and asking for the time definitely no longer causes me any anxiety.

The only noteworthy interaction I had was with a girl (20th approach) who I recognized.
While I was asking for the time I realized she's a friend of my sister and for some reason that made me not want to finish the drill with her.
I think I didn't want her to tell my sister what I was doing. It's one thing to be seen by strangers doing something unusual, but family makes it more difficult (especially if they are highly judgemental).


LESSONS LEARNED

- I have changed a lot since I started the program.
- Keeping a log has been essential in being able to evaluate my progress.

[notAndy]

Day 19a

4x
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Leave
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, Leave
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, I'm getting the Justin Bieber haircut, Leave
Hi, How's it going? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, I'm getting the Justin Bieber haircut, What's your favorite hairstyle for guys?, Leave

Challenge: Hi, How's it HANGIN'? (Listen), Do you know if there's a hair salon around here?, I'm getting the Justin Bieber haircut, What's your favorite hairstyle for guys?, Leave

When reading the drill, I thought it would be pretty easy. It's just a variation of one of the earlier days (question, question, statement, question.)
But man was I wrong.

First of all, asking a stranger just "hey, how's it going" seems like such a simple thing until you have to do it.
I felt some serious resistance and had to push myself every time.
Secondly, saying that I want to get the Justin Bieber haircut when my hair is no longer than 7mm is kinda ridiculous.

Approach number four was extra weird.
I stopped two women, said "hey, how's it going" to which they didn't even reply (no did except for lady #2). They just stood there and stared at me in silence.
After a few seconds, I asked where I could find a hair salon which they answered.
Now, for some reason, I got really nervous about saying that I wanted to get the Bieber-cut and on the spot decided to say something that - at least in my mind - seemed more reasonable.

I said, "I want to get extensions."

Yeah ... in hindsight I don't know why I thought that would be any less weird than Bieber-cut.
I did follow up with "what's your favorite hairstyle for a guy" but they didn't answer that. Instead they burst out laughing and one of them turned to the other and said "well, that was a cheap attempt" (at what?) and walked off.

I did two more approaches but, things only got harder. I'll redo the drill on Monday.


LESSONS LEARNED

- Didn't think after the ABCs a relatively "normal" interaction would be so difficult.

[notAndy]

Day 19b

Finished the Bieber-haircut drill.

The drill was definitely easier than last time, but the awkwardness of asking a stranger "how's it going" and not receiving any answer (except from two people) never went fully away.

Also, I got the impression people knew I was messing with them when I said I wanted to get the Bieber-cut. I definitely got weird looks and one or two comments.
Last girl was actually cool. She was super cute, was one of the two who replied to my first question and had this grin on her face that said "I know what you're doing but I'll play along."


LESSONS LEARNED
- Doing a "test run" first can make a drill easier the next day.

[notAndy]

Day 20a

Time, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, I mean the mens room, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, I mean the mens room, I hope it's clean, Thanks, Leave
Time, Do you know where the nearest restroom is?, I mean the mens room, I hope it's clean, The mens room is usually gross, Thanks, Leave
* Challenge: Instead of saying restroom- say "bathroom" (it's slightly less appropriate)

Had a bad day. Not because of the drill but because of life in general.
Didn't get enough sleep, haven't eaten all day long, sore shoulder from yesterday's workout, yadda yadda yadda.

Still did the drill. Well, four approaches (technically five, but botched the last one). The drill itself is easy but I really didn't want to speak to anyone today and called it quits early.
Decided to look for something positive. I have done something difficult for almost a month now, without any external pressure. I pushed myself several times when I could have given up without anyone noticing. I don't feel everyday like I've changed but four weeks ago I couldn't have sung the ABC to strangers or asked for high-fives. I couldn't have approached a group of girls and ask them if they like my jacket. I did all those things.

I still have a long way to go but I deserve to pat myself on the back. Today wasn't a good day. Tomorrow will be better.
Enough self-congratulatory drivel.

Watched an interesting video from Dr. K on exposure therapy and social anxiety. Found it fitting:

[notAndy]

Day 20b

The drill was easy, I did the 20 approaches in about 25 minutes. People were helpful and friendly, nothing too memorable happened.

With one exception. After asking for directions to a restroom, woman #2 asked "do you have a date?"
I was taken aback by the specificity of her question and just said yes. She then walked me to a restroom (thanks mom) and I asked her why she thought I had a date to which she replied "you are nervous."

The weird thing is, I was nervous but did not notice until she pointed it out.
Throughout the drill I tried to sense what I was feeling and noticed that towards the end I relaxed more/got less nervous.

It was pretty cool to get some feedback on how other people perceive me.

Also, I started stopping people by standing right in front of them instead of hoping they would stop if I ask from the side and got more comfortable doing that throughout the drill (didn't do it at every stop but progress is progress ).


LESSONS LEARNED
- Just because I may not be aware of my emotional state, doesn't mean others aren't either.

[notAndy]

Day 21a

Walk past 10 girls and squeeze their arm lightly, enough so they notice it.

Challenge: Go to another place and do the drill again


I really didin't want to do this drill. All day long I could think about nothing else and I was looking for excuses to not do it tonight.

And yet, I went to a concert and did it. I was quite early at the venue and the place was still pretty empty. First I just stood around awkwardly; got a drink just to have something to hold on to.
I saw a few women around the bar I wanted to do the first squeeze but I chickened out on every single one of them. Instead I went to the (still quite empty) dancefloor and started dancing. Not something I'm comfortable with. But that was still easier than doing the drill.
As time went on the place started to fill up and more and more people were dancing. It took another half hour or so before I could muster up the courage and do my first rep. I wasn't shaking or anything but still didn't fell super comfortable.

In the audio for day 21, Chris says that the first one is the hardest. I didn't feel that things got much easier after, though. I had to push myself for every single rep.
In the end I did more than 10. Probably around 15 squeezes, but some of them were half-assed. Some women moved out of the way before I could properly touch their arm which made me think that they found me creepy when they probably just wanted to let me pass.

Before recording my vlog and writing this entry, I watched @KillYourInnerLoser's vlog.
His first set of 10 was similar to mine, he didn't really seem happy or felt like he made progress. Then he tried again and it was a night and day difference. In his video he says that this was the best drill so far.

I haven't made that experience. And part of me doesn't want to redo the drill ... which is exactly why I need to do it.

While reflecting on tonight, I also had some insecurities creep up that I haven't noticed before: What if I haven't done the earlier drills properly? What if I just went through the motions and didn't create the growth that I need to move forward in the program? Can I actually do this? Brandon and Andy mentioned that day 21 is a turning point (if you get this far, you'll finish the program). Is this really true?

I can look back at some of the days that were difficult, like the singing the ABCs, and see in my vlog how light I felt and how excited I was about how far I've come, but right now it feels like there is this thing waiting around the corner that will make me fail.

Logically, I understand that thoughts like those are self-limiting beliefs, anxieties, fears, complacency and other inner demons that try to keep me in my place, but feeling them come up is still kind of demoralizing.

I guess the only way to get past those feelings is moving forward. But first, I'll redo tonight's drill.


LESSONS LEARNED
- Just typing out the doubts I have, robs them somewhat of their strength. Interesting.


Today was really ramble-y, but I had to sort out my thoughts and feelings here.

[notAndy]

Day 21b

I so, so, so didn't want to redo the drill. I could distract myself today with work (last night I was invited for dinner) but once I was done with that I was looking for any excuses I could find to not do it or "do it tomorrow" or some other nonsense. There was even this voice in my head telling me that I'm the AA Program is not for me, I am not the type of guy who could finish it and I should just call it quits.

I won't lie. That sounded pretty sweet in the moment. I could just disappear and no one would know that I failed. That's not quite true, I would know and I would remember for the rest of my life that I did not have what it took to go forward.

In the end I stopped trying to find reasons for or against doing the drill - all I was really doing was procrastinating, anyways.
I got up, put on my jacket, walked outside and went to the same place I did the drill on Thursday.

There was a concert at the club and the place was packed.

It didn't take me as long to warm up as it did the last time. After maybe 15mins I did my first two reps, then after another 5mins the next two.
Unlike day 21a, today was definitely easier and the more squeezes I did the easier it got. At one point I even stopped counting and just moved around as if I owned the place. Good feeling.

I also had a blast at the concert, could really let myself go and danced my hearts desire (all sober btw).
The best thing, however, happened at the very end.

I saw this chick taking selfies with her friend. On the spur of the moment, I decided to photobomb them and dove into their picture. She loved it and gave me the thumbs-up. After that I noticed her glancing over to me several times and her eyes lingered longer than I am used to. I didn't really engage with her other than occasionally looking back.

Suddenly, this idea popped up. It was kinda scary and a part of me tried to talk myself out of it.
I didn't listen to that part though.

When the band was done playing, I went up to her, interrupted her and her friend and told her "give me a kiss or a slap" while pointing at my cheek.

She shook her head, I smiled, and she slapped me! Huge success

Tonight was awesome! I am so fucking excited that I bit the bullet and didn't listen to those voices that tried to sabotage my progress.


LESSONS LEARNED
- I am the king of the world!
- Sometimes you get what you want, all you have to do is ask.

[bonzo34]

..

[Vice]

So what exactly is the pragmatic application of saying "kiss me or slap me"? Because I'll be straight up with you: that's weird, and the women in the venue notice these kinds of things. Either one of these outcomes happening will more than likely work against you in the venue overall. Is this part of the exercise, or did you set this up as a way to start an interaction?