The IronWill Project: Year 3 of MAC DADDY: Realising My Greatness [90 Day Sprint: 12/90]

[Antonio44]

Brave post Ravi. It is possible to resolve trauma, and we're all rooting for you.

Therapy helped me a lot - had fairly similar experiences.

[MakingAComeback]

Thanks bro. I will overcome this, like I have overcome many other challenges in my life.

I have my first therapy session in a few hours. And I will take onboard all of Kristina's recommendations, and be a open, coachable student.

I know I can heal.

For a long time, I didn't think I would have one day without anxiety. Just one day without anxiety, was unthinkable.

I have been anxiety free, for years now. I beat that demon. I buried it with my own hands.

I thought I would never go on a date in my entire life, that no woman would ever want a man like me. Now, I hope the men of this forum, can understand why I had those beliefs. That post above, is why I thought I was not worthwhile as a man, my whole life, I would look at myself in the mirror, and think, why would a woman want a man like you - you're broken, mate.

And yet, it was not true. Though I did not find the girlfriend I was looking for, yet, I still did get a lot of dates, and some women, showed actual interest in me.

That was a clue, because I also saw, that no matter how much dating I did, or how I was getting laid, I still felt this inner tension and sense that something in my life, was wrong. My mind would never allow me to be at peace.

David Goggins who is also a survivor like me, called that "the voice of God", where he believed, God was calling to him as a messenger, to heal myself, become the man he is today, so he can inspire and lift up the others who came into this world, and unfortunately, found themselves at the feet of real evil, and real demons. They exist, and they are in flesh and blood.

I have to go on my own healing journey, and I will attack it, and become the man I must be. And then I will be the voice and inspiration, to the others.

I know there is a reason for all of this.

Let it be done.

-Ravi

[Bman]

Something tells me there are a lot of unspoken trauma stories on these boards.

Wishing you peace with yours. Godspeed, brother.

[september]

This is really powerful stuff and I can completely see why Ravi needs to drop everything else in life to focus on this one central issue. I don't think anything else can even come close to the impact that healing this would have.

Just reading that post over and over again helped me unlock more of my own childhood memories of rage, humiliation, loneliness, etc., though thankfully not even 1/100th the impact of the story here.

I say more of my memories, because I've already been lucky to do a lot of work thanks to @Crisis_Overcomer recommending Ning Li's Bulletproof Mindset a year ago. Accessing and rewiring your early childhood memories is a lot of work but a lot of payoff, because it's at the root of a lot of behavioural issues with dating, social life, emotions, etc.

Like Bman said, there's a lot more unspoken trauma on the forums than it seems. I want to emphasize that you (non Ravi readers) don't need a dramatic trauma story to benefit from attachment therapy. I don't have a dramatic story. You probably just have a bunch of small memories. They still affect you and are worth working through. And keep in mind the more impactful ones are more likely to be suppressd and potentially you aren't even aware of them right now. Like I said, literally as I read Ravi's post, I unsuppressed memories of fighting my parents that I'm going to work through tonight, memories I wasn't even aware of for over a decade at this point.

The book's free if you google it, or you can dm me. It's also just a more specific targeted form of inner child therapy I believe, so you can look for that as well.

[Sewerdog]

Thank you for sharing this and happy healing my friend

[Slickbackkhair]

This is going to be a great year for you.

I did something similar for myself last year and it finally quieted and removed a ton of the tension you speak of.

You got this. See you on the other side.

[MakingAComeback]

Thanks all for your support as ever. We will crush this, make improvements on it, and get some real healing done, as we achieve everything else: consistency, performance, and taking expert help.

First therapy session, done! Notes below..........

Therapy Session: Notes

-Idea of transgenerational trauma, and how this experience, did not start with me. Exploring my family structure, and grandparents family structure, clearly, there were seriously difficult and challenging dynamics within this. It didn’t start with me, and it also didn’t start with my Dad.

-Ravi’s Initial Goal: To truly be able to enjoy dating and being in the presence of a woman.

-Unprocessed Traumas: It’s clear that I haven’t processed things that happened in my childhood, and just haven’t dealt with them. This, is work I can now begin to do intentionally, and I will be exploring this through journaling work (processing), and inner child nurturing work/self dialogue (also processing).

-Reading For Understanding: Breaking the Chains of Transgenerational Trauma: My Journey from Surviving to Thriving by Dorothy Husena

-Suppressed Anger Work: Using punch bag, visualisation, releasing and channelling anger.

Notes:

I did explain, that dating just feels so bad for me, I have so much weight around the subject, that I can almost never enjoy it. I want to understand, and work on, what is contributing to these feelings, and aim to get to the point where I can approach, because I genuinely want to, enjoy the approach itself, enjoy going on dates, and just enjoy every facet of the dating experience.

For the longest time, it’s just felt so pointless, and has brought so many negative emotions to me, it’s like my inner being, just does not want to keep feeling this pain. It’s like, the return on investment I am getting, isn’t there at this current stage, but when I am able to feel better about myself, my world, and the entire process around finding a partner, I expect this will improve.

We began talking about my childhood, and about things I can do to process things, which I clearly haven’t processed.

I expressed how I developed an inner anger at women, and now believe that this came from some strange suppressed resentment I had for my mother, for bringing my father into my life, and how part of me learned that when you love women, they will make decisions that will bring a world of hurt.

We talked about transgenerational trauma, and how it develops. We talked about a book called It Didn't Start With You, which I also know a little bit about because a few posters on here have talked about it in different logs.

I will do the work to remove some of this weight, heal inside, start to break down this pain, and become a healthier dude.

As you can see, it took me YEARS just to be able to start to work on this and start to actually deal with it.

It feels like a big shock still man. Like, it has only just kinda been hitting me. Damn, that shit was fucked up! Crazy how suppression works, you convince yourself that it was all OK, that it doesn't matter, that it's useless to dwell on, but then if you don't deal with it, you basically live in this state of tension and a really splintered and fractured inner world, where you feel a lot of pain.

This stuff, just started happening a few weeks ago man. Like, the better I began to feel in life, the more good things that started happening, the more I started to get these fucking flashbacks and this sense that something is wrong. It was the most weird sense and it just began happening a few weeks ago. I started thinking something just wasn't right....

Turns out, my unconscious supression, ended.

Unconsciously, my mind and inner being, conspired to do this, years ago. This strategy and turnaround plan, was formulated in my unconscious mind, perhaps as far ago as 12 years. It knew that I had to build a pathway for true success, and it carved out an absolutely genius battle plan, and put it into motion, for over 12 years. First came healing the physical body, then restructuring the mind and building self esteem and self respect, through getting so many WINS, it knew I would then respect myself enough to fight the actual demon, which will be a tough battle. It knew, this piece of the puzzle, if I was able to do all of the rest, I will be able to complete, and each stage, had to happen the way it did, to integrate, actualise, and realise the human this process was intended to unlock, which we will.

The next stage in the mission, may be the biggest yet.

But like all other goals I have achieved, this one, will be worked on, improved, and healing will take place. In time, my inner world, will heal and improve.

And then, I can resume my mission to find a partner, and provided I have gotten my SMV and vibe better, I think my results will continue to improve like they were!

-Ravi

[MakingAComeback]

This is going to be a great year for you.

I did something similar for myself last year and it finally quieted and removed a ton of the tension you speak of.

You got this. See you on the other side.

Thank you bro I do appreciate it. And I will make this part of the journey work. I gotta do it, man, because I want to be a Dad. So let it be done.

The crazy part is, I can guarantee you pretty much, that there are a bunch of guys here right now, who went through a very similar sort of thing! They just aren't ready to talk about it yet. But I think my post, will hit a few of the readers, and maybe in 6 months, a year, two, or in my case, 3 years, You will see others have these realisations that I had. Its part of truly having done the work.

They will know how it feels. This experience is fricken CRAZY man. Going through it as a child, is just like nothing else, because you don't really understand the world or know much about life yet. Maybe why this stuff scarred my Mum less than it did me, she was in her later 20s so had many years of normal development.

I had my development deeply fractured at 4 years old, and had to scramble like crazy to function like a person. This log, to anyone who has read it from the start, probably makes a whole lot of sense right now, Lol.

It took me honestly 3 years of self improvement, just to understand that I had an abusive childhood. Supressed it and just buried the whole thing. Didnt think about it, more or less ever, blocked it all out, until now. Madness.

Thing is, I'm not worried about it. I will embrace the challenge, like a mature, humble, coachable adult.

-Ravi

[MakingAComeback]

One thing I want to add as I navigate this part of my journey:

I AM NOT A VICTIM

I AM A SURVIVOR

[MakingAComeback]

The IronWill Project: Money, Muscles, Mindset
Wed 27th March

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-Morning & Evening Routine
-Coaching delivery
-Sales
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-Healing Work

Notes:

As one chapter of my life closes, a new one opens, with new possibilities and adventures on the horizon.

I have decided I will for all intents and purposes, be closing the chapter of dating and trying to find a partner, and leave that part of my journey in the past, and move on and see what happens next in my life.

I am grateful for all the good things that happened, the successes, and also, the many learnings.

I will be off to live in the sun somewhere, and will be OK.

-MAC

[Holden]

Powerful last few posts Ravi, wishing you all the best.

[MakingAComeback]

Thanks bro. A long time coming, honestly. Need a good and deep detox, and to see what comes next in my life.

Sharing here as well as in my groups:

"https://integrativepsych.co/new-blog/tr ... 0heal%20it.

Trauma healing isn’t a simple 1—2—3 step process. If you’ve experienced abuse, shock, loss, neglect, violation, assault, violence or witnessed any of the above, you may initially shut down the emotional memory because the intensity of the emotions are too much to “digest”.

The human brain and body learn to put these into a “deep freeze” so it can get back to functioning in day-to-day life; showing up to school, work , perform duties and tend to relationships.

However, even when stored away, the body always remembers.
Even when memories are hidden, they don’t ever completely dissipate. Most trauma survivors experience triggers which are reminders to their unconscious mind of the past.

They may have nightmares that are metaphoric to the danger experienced, or may have flashbacks of images of what happened - often, without fully understanding what it’s all about. These are the ways the body holds onto the memory- no matter how much time passes, the body remembers all experiences.

Since it’s never fully “gone” from the system, eventually there will be a time where it comes spinning back in.
Why does this happen? Because you’re safe enough now. There’s a younger part of self that is inside that holds the experiences it’s gone through. When that part notices that you’re in a stable place in your life, or for the first time you’re in a place of safety, these memories come knocking - wanting to be heard, processed and resolved."

^^

what I am going through right now. wild. as i began to experience true abundance states and feel true glorious wellbeing. as my mind knew i am now, after so many years, safe and compotent. it began the process of gradually, slowly, releasing trauma. first, it gave me tester clues. it would raise things in my mind, from years ago, to see how i'd respond. and i did so with acceptance and stoicism. it could see i am now mature, competent, and ready to have the flood gates opened.

so i am going through a major trauma release right now. a wild life experience. and from this, will come a lot of healing.

taking the experience one day at a time. and look forward to what will come in the next chapter!

[MakingAComeback]

Today's flow, was good.

Morning was brutal, was having hours and hours of PTSD trauma responses.

I did the work on them, and they began to simmer down.

Felt calmer, and more balanced.

Did hours of coaching. Which was fun as hell.

Went on a useful call on a biz group I am a member of.

Did journalling for about 90m.

Processed a tonne! Feel a lot better right now. Today, was brutal in the morning and the first half of the day. Did a few hours integration work. Day then improved, and I got into flow, and felt alright.

I then journalled, a lot, and now, feel pretty decent.

I would say, today was a successful day of healing. I will bring the same commitment and intention, to tomorrow's healing, and I will keep flowing and healing. There is no timeline for this, when I no longer feel heavy and feel the pains I've had for so long, I will think about the next chapter of my life.

SOME OF TODAY'S JOURNALLING - FORGIVING MY DAD:

Reflecting further on my Dad.

The times he was physicaly violent with me and my Mum, were about 2 'serious incidents' in total. He then, actually never touched her again. The rest of his ssues with me, were quite run of the mill hard handedness, slaps, hits, but within the normal range of absolutely shit parent physical violence.

He was mostly just a nightmare to be around. I mean, he is an inept, distant, vacant, emotionally unavaible, autistic weirdo. He is not normal, yes, and I actually struggle to understand if he is aware of his poor some of his behaviour was. I say was, because he has been fine for the past 3-4 years. I wonder if there is some strange disorder he has....he is definitely somewhere they pick weird ass people on the spectrum. And to pour some petrol on that fire, adding to that delightful brain chemistry, my grandparents, also, had a relationship that was......weird. Demon of a grandmother (genuinely evil, and she hated my Mum, and was insanely abusive to her, which also broke my little heart) and my Dad had a rough childhood also, coupled with the fact that he was traumatised to the bone himself when his Dad died (he took it really badly, and he was “not right” for a year and a half, as in, he was working reduced hours and stuff). So I gotta be honest, my Dard hardly had it easy. He has huge levels of racism to deal with, and he understandably as a weird autistic fuck, was a shit parent.

Just considering the absolute fuckin joke and a mess of a family structure I grew up in, my entire life makes sense, lmao.

I do have to then, put my wounds and obvious deep inner pain, in context. The dude only beat me ass badly, twice. Other than that, he was just poor at handling his rage issues, did lash out from time to time, but they were not that bad at all. The actual problem is, when he did a bad beating on me when I was 4, that was such extreme behaviour towards a small child, that the level of psychological wounding inflicted and the shattering of how all of reality worked for a 4 year old, was like a world splintering act. He really did a number on me that day, and I was never the same after that. Bummer, man.

As bad as that was........I gotta say, the dude was a prick, but he did a tonne of good also, worked super hard, did achieve a certain level of financial success which is quite admirable, and also, did take good care of my Mum. He paid for everything, though he was not exactly glad to.

I totally forgive him, and as those who know me are aware, I actually like both of my parents, get on with them both, obv I am close with my Mum, I am not close at all with my Dad, given we only started talking a few years ago, and this weird autistic fuck does not have normal conversations anyway….So, when I say we're talking, theres still not exactly anything meaninful exchanged, and they are not, you know, conversations.....

It's just really, really hard to be mad at him. A guy who has his non-normal brain, who had a rough childhood himself, and who also had huge levels of trauma himself when his Dad died early (I was about 5 at the time, maybe 6), I can see why he was a shit parent. I don’t know how he could have been a good one, given how weird a man he is. Me and my bro talked about it, and we both agreed, we reall can’t hate or dislike him. He is an actual retard (I am genuinely being serious) and just knows how to work very hard, long hours, save all his cash, and not spend much. That is literally him in a nutshell.

I am able to forgive people, quite well, I will say that. But this one feels genuine.

I actually like the dude. He always worked, paid for everything for my Mum, helped my brother out financally with diff things, helped me here and there I won’t lie (but not much! He is a tight as fuck bastard).

The problem I have with him, is that he was really shit at being a parent, had severe anger issues, like, really bad, and he was fully under a strong trauma response for a long time, which is why I think he was so spaced out and in another world for so long. I now recognise, he was infact deep in trauma, and was stuck in the cycle of the same thoughts, same speech, and same patterns, for decades. I can now see, how he just muttured to himself all day, he was unconciously processing his trauma. Sometimes, he’d get super drunk and just cry about his Dad for hours and hours. He did that shit, for a long time – 15 years. Crazy. I I think his trauma finally, at the age of 57, started to fade. Because he began acting differently at that ime and began to speak to me......My take on the dude, is that he was an oddball, who lashed out a few times, and then got fucking destroyed by the early death of his father, who was an amazing man (my grandad was a local legend in my city) and yeah I geuss when Grandad died my Dad just disintegrated and became a fuckin nutcase. Dissociated entirely.

I think my Dad, was brutally traumatised himself, very early on, and I also recognise, I don’t mean to be disablist when I say this, but he genuinely has a non-normal brain and is a truly, truly peculiar man. I do not blame a spaz of his ilk, with behaving poorly, having persistent anger issues for decades, and also, for being a miserable and vile fuck for so long, as he was clearly a mess. With autism, there is less self awareness, and these guys are not able to fix themselves. I have self awareness, so can look into my various psychological problems, and fix them. This is why I could understand how to fix my social skills, vibe, stop being a nice guy, etc. I could conceptually grasp it and integrate into my behavious, because I have good social and emotional intelligence. My Dad, has none of those things, so it just isn't the same deal. The thing I have to say, I am truly let down by him by, is that the times he used serious levels of violence and also had fits of rage, which were really extreme, were far, far, far too traumatic for such a young boy, and I can see, now as a 32 year old man, that he was infact my age, and this makes his actions entirely inexcusable. I have small cousins, who are 5 or 6. and I am unable to fathom, searching the deepest parts of my being, how a grown man, of 32 years of age, could use his fists on a helpless and innocent child. That truly does break my heart, and my young heart was broken then, like it is now. This was truly shameful, and it did scar me very deeply.

I forgive him, entirely, and I do speak to him daily. Given his own strange life, his lack of normal calibration, and the tough circumstances he was in, I do not blame him for these incidents. He fucked up. Big time. And I can let that go now.

I will also say, he did a lot of good, too. Was infact a good care giver to my Mum, supported her through tonnes, though he is emotionally inept and clueless. For a Mr. Bean like weirdo, he did his best. Furthermore, he did earn good money throughout his life, typically worked 80-100hrs a week, was never home (good, because he was a prick) and part of why his brain was so fuckin destroyed is that he had severe workaholism and HAD to be working, hence, not much sleep,

I do not blame this guy, whatsoever. But the bad times, were very bad. The home, was a broken home. I never felt loved and treated properly, and though my Mum was great and loved me a lot, Dad sucked – mitigating factor is, he was barely home anyway as he was working, so we didn’t have to suffer the miserable weird bastard much. The environment, was one where there was real love (Mum), but we existed in a pressure cooker (Dad) and I was always stressed, on edge, and not a happy child. As such, it was just too rough and made my childhood hard. I developed mental health issues early on, had anxiety by like 4/5! And yet, I can see, though he was only physical a small handful of times, it was knowing that he can go there, and also, the constantly awful state of hyper-alertness I had to be on because he was there. That was a environment that was not safe, I certainly didn’t feel it, and I can see why I developed the way I did.

The learning for me, is that my calm, gentle presence, good energy and vibe, and positive behaviours, ways of being, and mental models for the world, are pretty good for child rearing and developing the psychological foundation of children. The chapters that follow this journey, I have not written yet. I can still dream. And at this time, I am ready to let go and trust my healing process to lead me to my highest potential in this world.

Overall, I am at peace with the past. And I am also aware that many things were also good in my life. There was bad, there was a lot of good also. Frankly, considering everything, right now, I think I am able to process this and say, alright, fine, quite well!

The thing that, I guess, is where I will need to do more work now, is on my fractured sense of self. Because honestly man, I just don’t feel huge levels of anger at my Dad. Why? Said with all due respect and not to be disablist, the fella has a screw loose, is not the full shilling, and he is a profoundly peculiar and odd character. I have spent a bit of time the past few day just walking back the guy and looking at him, and he is just as mad as a box of spiders and looking at him, all I can really draw upon is how much of a ridiculous human being this person is. He is an old man now. What is the fucking point of being mad at him. I don't care. Fuck it. It's in the past, let it be.

Searching my body and mind, right now, I don’t really fuckin care. That's good. It may come back....let's see.....

The issue, I see it, is the damage that he did on me, by launching me into pain-world, and then living in that shit for so long. That, I have to fix. Because it did a lot of bad stuff to this head.

Self image. Self worth. Core stories and beliefs about myself as being lesser than, not worthy of good things, being insignificant, and the beliefs that I don’t matter, and so on, can now be processed and worked on.

I have to work through my mind, process it all, see what is actually going on in there, challenge it, reframe it, and make the emotional and internal shifts necessary to allow these things to be accepted and broken down, lessened, and to reduce their weight upon me.

I will be OK. I am ready to heal, release my tension and pain, process my trauma more, and do the work on nurturing myself and seeing myself the right way!

[MakingAComeback]

Genuinely feeling a lot happier!

The NO BRAINS CREW, started a new chat, which is helping me with my detox and healing. A massively appreciated move. With the PTSD and flashbacks, it can, at times, be difficult to think. Hence, having an excellent brain trust, has been a presistently valuable mechanism for me and my growth as a person.

To ultimately enable me to empower and assist, YOU. My goal in life is to be a positive contributor and I share all the tools I discover with everyone. I have never, ever held anything back. Any help I was given, I laid out all nuggets of wisdom and pearls here.

Clearly, the past few months, my childhood trauma was awakening and my mind, has been such a stormy place, that aspects of my being have been pulled all over, there was a "drowning feeling", and clarity was all but a remote memory.

Now, my mind is clearing up - very good!

Working on IW, supporting my humans, and we are all growing together. Love this. It's an incredible time inside the group right now, seeing the change unfolding for all of us.

Today, will be a good and positive day. Each day, I grow stronger. Some days, have been profoundly challenging. Indeed, some, I would describe, as absolute brutality. Sheer, otherworldly pain. The processing of childhood trauma, requires a strong constitution. I can see why, it took me so long to do this. It took my 3 year self improvement processes, to build a man so strong, he can handle this.

Normal part of growth. It works. You do this work, consistently, you grow. Normal, simple, easy stuff. No biggie.

Anyone can do this stuff. And it makes better people. Thats why I love it :-)

So, onwards with the day:

-Sunrise (Done)
-Morning Process (Done)
-Meal Prep (Done)
-Gym: Off now!

When I return.........

-Admin
-Sales
-Coaching Delivery
-Healing Work
-Consult call w/ Sean (Paid consult with very experienced dude in healing, has a lot of knowledge on biology like I do, and is ahead of my by a few years in this journey, handled his own trauma and healed, left the UK for Mexico and flourished)
-Evening Process

Notes:

Some accountability. I have been shit with my diet this week, and this has worsened my body composition. I am doing this, to self soothe, and ease the pain. But I am working through this. And the pain, will reduce. And I can support my flourishing and growth, and show up, able to get my diet right, and get the outcomes that will make a better and happier man.

-Ravi

[MakingAComeback]

Insane number of views on this

900,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This will reach a million hits soon

Crazy

I will ascend. This story, is a truly incredible self improvement story.

Wait until I've healed more.

I will be CRUSHING LIFE.

When you see me do big things, which you kinda know, I will be doing...........remember these days...........the come up.....

-Ravi