I know it’s not the end of the year, however, my men’s retreat where I get together with my men’s group in person starts tomorrow and it seemed like the appropriate time to review.
To begin, I want to thank every person tagged in this post. Some of you were tagged multiple times which means I learned a lot from you. Thank you for your mentorship and guidance.
Now, fulfilling what I promised when I started here:
Here is everything I learned during my second year at KYIL. My hope is that for those learning from me, you will see I am nothing special. I’ve just studied AND implemented more than you have. However, I’ve tried to leave breadcrumbs along the way.
What I accomplished
From Jan 1 – Today, In dating I accomplished:
- 12 New Lays
- 4 FWBs; 3 concurrently for a month; 2 concurrently for several months
- More dates & lays with hotter, more quality girls
- Honing my date game and finally getting comfortable with kino on dates
- Attracted two new archetypes:
- 38-40yo, newly divorced and want to finally have good sex - These women still have rocking bodies, pretty good in bed, and are a breeze with logistics. Because I’m more mature than my age, I connect well with them. I’m a fan. (I also think I have an age kink going both ways. It’s just so much fun experiencing a different generation).
- Top OnlyFans Girls – Five of them. I attracted FIVE of them. Four of them make their full time living from it. Three of them were top 1%. One was also a Suicide Girl. And they all were a little emotionally… different. I’ve not figured out how to navigate these girls at all or if I want to. Needless to say, I didn’t get to fuck any of them. OF1 we escalated, but never happened (more on her later). OF2 is cute, but too pudgy for me so I friendzone her. OF3 was actually pretty normal, works a professional job in marketing, and posts boudoir nudes. I really wanted to fuck her but got cucked on logistics for the first date, then she had a trip, and she has boyfriend, so things fizzled out. I think I’ll look for more of these types in the future. OF4 was a train wreck. OF5 lived 1.5hrs away, was in Austin for a week, her car blew up on the day of our date.
- Started my own munch and have run it weekly since Feb
- Threw a 38 person kink play party which had a 10 person orgy
- Threw a 20 person kinky pool party
- Went from a nobody in Austin’s kink scene to a leader, well known, invited to private play parties, and occasionally sought out on FetLife
- @AskTheDom called this shit – he jokes there is no Dom card, but his encouragement that I could do it gave me one. By July and Day 219 of my 365, I had become the “guy to know”.
- Help to run ATXs biggest kink party, which had 600+ people in Oct
- Substantially increased my sex, Tantra, and BDSM skills
- 2 boudoir shoots
- Learned what it’s like to be the hot one who is turning multiple woman down
What I learned
I’m writing this section to help you with any places I’ve learned and resources I used so that may be of benefit to you. I also want you to understand how these forums can be a benefit to you beyond recording your own progress.
Every single person here has something you can learn from them. Whether you like them or share their values is irrelevant. If they do something that you are morally against, then don’t do it. But don’t argue their strategies are less effective.
An extreme example of this: I read both Martin Luther King Jr’s autobiography and Rise and Fall of the Third Reich about Hitler this year. It should be pretty obvious I don’t like Hitler and don’t share his values. What’s less obvious is I learned from both of them about leadership and use it to inform my own leadership style.
The lessons written here are only what I learned this year, not in Year 1 or previously in my dating life or marriage. Nor does it discuss what I learned in other areas of my life.
As always, please learn, then do. Repeat ad nauseam.
Apps
Here’s a short review of my experience of the major apps this year.
Tinder: Although the prominent app, it’s always been hit or miss for me. Boosts seemed less effective this year. It was flooded with fake profiles. I got laid a few times from it, but I did not put much energy into it. I would just check if I got likes and swipe on couple, just to keep it going.
Hinge: This app was a money maker for me last year. The girls seem more intentional and less likely to stop responding. One of my current FWB’s that I’ve seen for several months was from here. However it is a time commitment to be sending out likes every day. I also got banned on there half a dozen times. After my phone broke (and Politics Girl bought me a new one) I just never went through the hassle of setting up a new profile.
Bumble: I’ve only ever got one number from this app. I think my archetype is too extreme for the app or my SMV is too low. Either way, I deleted it a long time ago.
Feel’d: This year’s money maker. Being that my archetype is more of the anti-chad, I do pretty well on there. Here’s a good discussion about some of what make that successful. Women on here are much more intentional and far less flakey. Austin is also a hub for alternative lifestyles, so it gets a solid user base.
FetLife: Not necessarily an app and you won’t have great success if you use it like one. However it’s becoming a cornerstone for my social game. Chads have Instagram. Anti-chads have FetLife. Here is some general advice I wrote on FetLife based on what I’ve been able to achieve so far.
Texting/ Communication
Lesson: Be more commanding.
- Mr.V’s Guide To Texting Girls, originally recommend by from @Manganiello, helped me learn to use more commanding language and definitive sentences like “let’s meet at x”. It also helped with scheduling in using the illusion of choice by saying “I’m free on Wednesday or Friday at 6.” The rest of the guide was too arrogant for the way I speak. I’m confident and dominant in my speech, but not arrogant.
- Andy gets a lot of shit for his texting style but I think it’s because many miss the point. He is screening hard for exactly what he wants. Which first requires him to actually know what he wants. I ran his BDSM line a lot my first year. This year I started designing my own, to screen for exactly what I wanted. Right now I use “I’m looking for something ongoing and casual with a woman who’s not afraid to still be honest and emotionally connected. Someone who’s in touch with their pleasure and wants to be adventurous, exploring BDSM or tantra.” They usually say they want that too. Then I grab the number. For an example of designing it for something specifc you want, check out Andy’s version for doing photoshoots. Next year when I’m travelling I’ll screen something along the lines of “looking for a fun fling with an adventurous girl while I’m in the city for the next couple months…”
- To push my assertiveness and screen for very submissive girls, I started telling girls what to wear. This came directly from @Holden's logs where he tells them to wear heels. Most girls comply. Every once in a while you get one who gets offended or does not comply, and so far, those have been girls I’ve not bothered with or had a good time with.
- Particularly on Feel’d and FetLife, the line “Tell me what you’re looking for here or what caught your eye on my profile,” has been great. Either makes them heavily qualify themselves or gives me feedback about what’s working on my profile. It also screens. Many times I get double or triple texts back in paragraphs. Every once in a while I get a one sentence reply back and those usually turn out to be duds.
- After I’m done setting a date I’ll say “Be good till then.” I started doing this because I didn’t like when girls wanted to keep texting after setting a date or get butthurt if I don’t keep texting. This tells them I’m going to stop texting them now. I frequently get back “Yes daddy” or “Yes sir”.
- During my kink adventures I met a top .02% of Only Fans girl. She’s a bratty, flirty, high status girl in the kink scene. Her job is literally to flirt and shit test guys. Figured if I could go head to head with her, I’d probably do alright with other girls. After getting her number, I used her as training grounds over multiple months to learn how to flirt, tease, call out frames, and sexualize my conversations. I pushed it to my boundaries. There was a day she was being over the top bratty and having a huge ego, said something about being fake, and I called her out saying something degrading along the lines of “coming from a girl who dresses up in fake costumes and takes photos for guys…” basically hitting something very true and hurtful to her self-esteem about being an only fans girl. To be clear, we were not arguing, it was playful teasing, but I did not like that I had escalated to very true and hurtful territory. So I drew a boundary there for myself, and straight told her to quit being so bratty that day. Benefit of practicing with her was I would also see her in person every month, so it pushed me to get comfortable with consequences of what I said in text.
- This will be hard for you to replicate. What I recommend is when you get a number from a very hot girl, the kind that know they are really hot, and the lead starts going cold or logistically you will not get them on a date, push that conversation as far as you can. Try out what you would be normally afraid to say.
- I thought I was being pretty honest about my intentions and desires, especially since honesty is core value of mine and what drew me to Andy’s content, but I learned I could be even more. Paticuraly, I learned how to just state what I wanted or how I felt about a woman and being absolutely ok if that was not fulfilled, being completely outcome independent. This came from reading Mode One Communication, which was recommended by @Zug .
- First year I studied and tried to copy the way other people were texting, either from the forums or PWF. Problem was that I don’t have the same personality as them. So if a girl responded in a way I did not expect (which is all the time) then I wouldn’t know how to respond and still be congruent with the rest of the conversation, because I don’t talk like that. After learning the basic structure of texting and things to avoid, seen in the first resource, I started texting how I naturally speak. What emerged was a direct approach, with a dominant tone, light teasing and sexualization, and empathy. There’s no resource for this. It will come with time and experience.
- This is more advanced, but because I did social game and became a top guy in a community, I got a lot of women who propositioned me who I was not attracted to. When that happened, I wanted to turn them down in a way that was honest, direct, but allowed them to keep their dignity and still encouraged them to initiate with guys they are attracted to. This took some iterations, because frankly I’d not had the script flipped before where I was like the hot girl being chased after, but after having 4 girls in one week reach out on FetLife, I used the help of ChatGPT and tailored it a bit to my speech. Here’s the current script. “Hey! Thank you for your kind message. I appreciate your interest and the effort you've made to reach out. I know its nerve wracking! It's always wonderful to connect with new people and make new friends. However, I want to be honest and upfront with you that I'm not interested in being partners. Please don't take this as a reflection on you as a person, as I'm sure you're amazing in your own right. I genuinely encourage you to keep reaching out to people you're interested in and pursuing connections that feel right for you.” Did I have to do this? No. Do I owe them a response? No. However, as guys we bitch all the time about girls rejecting us harshly, not responding, or girls not initiating enough. Well, be the change you wish to see in the world.
Archetype
Lesson: Develop an archetype and make it congruent with who you actually are AND the girls you want to attract.
- I won’t delve into explaining this. I wrote 7500+ words on it here. Resources that inspired those words include:
- @pancakemouse’s “I’m not attracting the types of girls I want to attract”
- @kyil_andy & @Ed_ did a podcast showing how Ed changed his archetype and had better success.
- @AskTheDom and @Crisis_Overcomer did a podcast discussing archetypes and what happens when they are incongruent.
- @MILFandCookies did a video explaining the importance of being congruent in your photos, showcasing what you would look like and be doing if you were caught on your best day.
Inner Game/ Mindset
Inner game was probably my biggest need of improvement as I discussed in my intro to my 365 day project. Really the action to do was simple, which was every day to remind myself of my Self, and the bare minimum was affirmations and mirror therapy in the morning. What ended up happening is my focus shifted throughout the day, I made more decisions that increased being self-secure, and pushed my capacities. I ended the 365 early because things finally started clicking for me around this lay, and I only pursue goals in as much as they serve me. It felt complete, so I finished it.
Lesson: Define your goals and values.
- Decisions become much clearer when you answer “What do you want?” which I must have seen @AskTheDom say a half dozen times on other people’s logs over the year. During my own men’s group we worked on values and goals in various ways throughout the year. I gained an intimate understanding of my values and expressed them in the Archetype guide. When I helped @MakingAComeback get his men’s group going, I realized that some of my actions were not in line with my goals and values and I was getting caught up and the goals and values of the community. So I adjusted course (read here and here) and focused on myself. I was much happier afterwards.
- Last year I was still getting worked up about flakes. Now I could literally care less. @Crisis_Overcomer's resource helped with identifying trauma and starting to work with it. What really helped was:
- More experience seeing flakes are hugely out of my control. I was cucked by scheduling so many times it’s not even funny.
- Having abundance and knowing I’d be fucking one or two of my girls that week anyways and had others I was trying to get scheduled.
- Having a project, my van, that I was so excited to work on that sometimes I was hoping they would flake. Andy shared these concepts in a recent video.
- After treating myself with more respect by asserting boundaries and demonstrating my value, they respected me more by letting me know instead of straight ghosting. I will say, ghosting still hurts. It hits an abandonment trigger. I do get over it quicker than I used to though.
- This motto was told to me by Trio Girl and I fell in love with it after I heard it. I’ve worked hard at being a man of integrity except when it came to expressing my own masculine desire. With the help of The Erotic Mind & some journaling I started to put words to my desires. Then in texts, dates, and even at my munches in front of dozens of people, would practice speaking those desires and then acting on those desires (within consent of course). Mode One Communication helped with this. If I thought a woman was attractive, I told her she was attractive, and then acted with desire towards her by flirting, escalating, and fulfilling my needs in the bedroom, not just hers. My actions match my words which matched my desires.
- @Holden & @AskTheDom have done a lot to help me screw my head on straight, especially around a lack of self-worth I may have previously displayed in earlier lay reports. Here, and the few posts after, is when I started recognizing my own value. After that, putting myself first and setting boundaries have become a walk in the park. Not just with women but with everyone. This week I just told my father I’m not coming home for the holidays because family is not a value of mine and I’d actually be happier spending it alone (very true statement).
- You don’t know how unbelievably hard this was to swallow, until it wasn’t. I have read and consumed so much eastern philosophy trying to understand what it means to be, and balance out my drive to be doing in order to fill a void that I’m not enough. In the beginning of the year, I read Already Free which really helped me accept the dichotomy of being vs doing which I briefly explained here. What really clicked for me was when @Manly Cockfellow shared the videos from Travel Bum around self-value. I really learned the difference between being and doing. I also learned when I acknowledge a feeling, fulfill a need, or express a desire, which is given to us not by any conscious choice, I’m valuing my own existence.
- The self-validation portion of this still ebbs and flows. I stopped posting longer lays reports, without pictures, and removed the lay count from my signature after @Aku made some good points and I realized I still wanted the validation from you guys. I try really hard to just post what I think will be helpful for myself to learn or for you to learn. What I have very recently learned was to start not only disregarding criticism from others that have not merit, but also disregard praise from others as well. That at the end of the day, you’re only praising me because it reflects something that you are or wish you were. It has nothing to do with me. So if I want true validation, I’m going to have to give it to myself for what I am or am working to become. Andy opened me to this concept in his live.
- Alright. Short story: When I was a teenager there was this really hot blonde girl in middle school, there was attraction between us, I had 0 idea what the fuck to do, missed my window, she got a very abusive boyfriend, I was friendzoned, tried to white knight, and was emotionally used (because I let her) all through high school. I loved that girl. She hit the same hot/cold abandonment trauma trigger from early childhood and my nervous system ate it up.
- What does this have to do with now? Well, I got emotionally invested in trying to make something happen with OF Girl this year. I learned from reading the Erotic Mind that this is called limerence, a state of mind resulting from romantic attraction, characterized by feelings of euphoria or the desire to have one's feelings reciprocated. I genuinely liked this girl. A few key things stood out to me
- we vibed really well with each other when we hung out
- she was comfortable being silent and just sitting in each other’s company
- was sweet to me when she was really bratty with others
- despite being 21, she always put her phone away and was fully present with me when we talked.
- That’s on top of being hot and kinky, of course.
- I have tattoo of a siren (mermaid) on my forearm with band around her that says “Captain’s Temptations” to be a constant reminder that there are certain women that can capture me like that. So sirens = 2, Bman = 0.