colgate - gaijin group pickup coaching sesh recap!

[Crisis_Overcomer]

@colgate glad for you kiddo.

lol true, we all start somewhere but sometimes I read logs here and I think "...wait, where are the girls?"

They're summoned between meditation sessions.

[MILFandCookies]

Hell yeah man. Did the same myself re: getting a girlfriend. It's a whole new skill, a whole new list of pros and cons, and an extremely useful experience to have.

A new self improvement game.

You got this. Keep enjoying life man and growing

[foducossy42]

When I "unlocked" the skill to speak from the diaphragm instead of from the throat, and when I became comfortable enough with myself to speak more slowly, it was real epiphany moment. Especially when I combined that with sending voice texts to girls.

Been thinking a bit about this @Holden , think you wrote somewhere that you took a course/class on improving your voice? Or how did you do this, any tips on finding the right instructor?

[Radical]

really fucking happy for you @colgate

[Zug]

Good luck out there!

[Holden]

Been thinking a bit about this @Holden , think you wrote somewhere that you took a course/class on improving your voice? Or how did you do this, any tips on finding the right instructor?

You can probably just make do with a few YouTube videos, there are some exercises you can do to "activate" the diaphragm voice, from there it's just a matter of doing it all the time automatically instead of manually forcing yourself. And being comfortable being loud.

[ProgressEvolution]

Congrats man! This is hyping me up since I'm getting started now too on my dating journey. Best of luck on your future endeavors

[natedawg]

A true legend.

Congrats, brother!

[MakingAComeback]

I will be shooting an epic podcast with The Bulldog shortly

Please stay tuned and enjoy the upcoming deep dive into this incredible man, his journey, where he came from, and how he got here

This guy is one of life's true underdog winners

Few would have the sheer fortitude and grit to do what he did

That is why he is one of the most respected

And that is why, for me, he is the GOAT

-Ravi

[Manganiello]

I know your thoughts and priorities are on Japan. But I feel like I need to talk about this too:

I'm sure I'll hear more from you soon when we talk again. But here's my thoughts on the relationship thing:

It seems extremely familiar to the thoughts and feelings I had a year ago.


I broke up and moved to Korea. I broke up because I would regret it if I didn't.

You need to soul search on that one. Will you regret staying with her or not?

I think I would've been happy back in Calgary with my Ex. But I have the privilege of saying that from experience and being in Korea.

Its like I had to break up with her to know I would've been happy with her. It makes no sense. But in reflection it makes perfect sense.

Because I had to live the experience and kill the regret of indecision to know how I truly felt about it.

I'm happy now. Idk how long this relationship will last with the girl I'm with now. But if she's the last girl I ever fuck. I won't regret it.

I think you need to get to that point.

Where you can get a girlfriend and not feel like it's some giant tradeoff.


Anyway maybe read through my old log I thought about the situation a lot and posted my thoughts about it:


viewtopic.php?p=36710#p36710


And @Toast is literally about to break up with his girlfriend of over a year simply because he settled too early. Just be cautious of this because the feelings can haunt you.

But you know your situation better than anyone.

Use discretion.

Ultimately if your decisions you make in life usually end well. If you have a history of successful achievements you probably will be fine.

[colgate]

@Manganiello

yeah ok, i think i need to clarify the situation with my gf.



rewinding back to may, my initial plan with this girl was just to try to bang her and keep her around as a plate (maybe "gf" in word).

once i banged her, i had actually decided on basically not inviting her unless she invites herself. i basically put the ball in her court.

and well, to my surprise, she didn't want to just be the neighbor i invite over for H-O-R-S-E. she was ready to play full on NBA basketball.



i really didn't expect her to want to stay with me and see me all the time. i underestimated how much girls flip to being completely attached to a guy they like.

i had also never had a girl actually "like me" long-term. sure i had some lays and i even had that plate in nashville, but it's different when a girl is straight up telling you she loves you every day and that you're her hero. honestly i think i actually wanted non-stop ego validation over getting lots of lays (at the time). the fact that she wanted to do housework and dress up in cosplay only ticked off more boxes for me.

somehow the allure of that was so great, i dropped out of a paid coaching program. i can make statements of what i want and what i don't want, even try to put my money where my mouth is, but at the end of the day the only thing that actually shows what you want and your desires are your actions. and this is the situation i am in.

dating-wise even GLL says having a girlfriend is one of the best things for an inexperienced dude to have regarding game. you really do get daily microdoses of tutorial-level girl behavior to handle, which is probably something i needed after slamming my head at the wall for nearly 2 years.

for better or for worse, i basically spent my whole summer "catching up on lost time" in regards to having an actual girlfriend. i think maybe that's what i actually wanted.



that being said, we have different life goals. i want to stay in japan forever, bang japanese chicks, and build a giant house. at least that's what i'm saying.

she wants to go back to china and teach japanese after doing university in japan. she's even made jokes about how when she eventually has some chinese husband and she'll "have" to have sex with him she's going to just be thinking of me. at least that's what she's saying.

but in the meanwhile, as i stated at the end of my post, i have some actual logistical-ish goals to take care of to continue living in japan. those being finding a job and passing a language exam. those are things i'd probably have to do anyway and theoretically if i actually did go hard in the coaching program, i'd still have to be doing those.

i figured if i have a "solid" girl for the time being, i might as well knock those out now.



after those two goals are accomplished however, you are 100% right that i have to do soul searching.

I'm happy now. Idk how long this relationship will last with the girl I'm with now. But if she's the last girl I ever fuck. I won't regret it.

I think you need to get to that point.

Where you can get a girlfriend and not feel like it's some giant tradeoff.

this is absolutely on the money.

i would regret this being the last girl i ever fuck

and i am 100% sure that i don't want to settle down with this girl for i.e. the rest of my life. she doesn't want any kids or maybe 1 and i want lots of kids. also hell no i'm not moving to china.

i'm actually more worried that if i start distancing myself from her, she's just going to fold on her "goals" and do anything to stay with me. there was a night i wanted to go do some journaling at a cafe and she started crying because she thought i was getting bored of her and i was going to just "throw her out".

i guess deep down i'm hoping we "amicably part ways" sometime next year somehow, but i have no clue how that will happen, and likely that is not going to be the case. i've heard multiple experienced guys tell other guys and myself that this kind of thing is basically going to be "stabbing the kitten"



i've already thought through that far already. but i figured now's not the time to dive too much further than that, for the following reasons.

while i have this girl around, i might as well knock out two mandatory things i have to do regardless, since i've already decided on settling in japan location-wise. those are:
- getting a work visa (EOY would be cool. hard deadline of offer in hand before june 2024)
- passing the JLPT N1 (december)

additionally, not enjoying this relationship to the max right now will only lead me to regret it in the future when we eventually break up (and being caught with incongruent behavior would only exacerbate that).

she's also on the same page as me regarding studying and "growing" together, so she isn't a hindrance (she asks me about my schedule etc all the time)



so if this relationship goes south before i complete those two, cool. and if it doesn't, then i'm going to have a lot of thinking to do. but that's pretty far out (i consider 6-12 months as pretty far out lol)



the "conclusion" spiel was mainly to allow me to temporarily put all these thoughts aside as i do actually have more pertinent things to attend to. and having this cloud over my head while trying to grind leetcode problems and read cryptic alien ciphers doesn't help.

but this definitely is not a permanent conclusion. i would ultimately regret it if this is the ending point of my dating life.

[lacroix]

Yeah dude that’s really awesome to see you’ve figured so many things out. And as long as you’re enjoying the day to day, who cares? It’s your life, have fun with it.

[colgate]

just wanted to log in to say that i've LITERALLY been having sex nearly everyday for the past 3 months. save for the few days when my gf is on her period, but i literally don't even care because she sucks my dick anyway

i threw a surprise bday party for her today. contacted my japanese host family and they set up their place with balloons and shit. i told my gf we were going to go for a "walk" and then we "accidentally" landed up at my host family's neighborhood. then i called to "ask permission if it was ok to come over" lol.

after the party my gf was crying in ecstasy, that this is the happiest moment of her life, and how i am way too good for her, etc.

---

i was able to get over some of the feelings of doubt and lack of accomplishment in the last pathfinders call hosted by @MakingAComeback. i realized the feeling of regret from slamming the brakes on nampa wouldn't go away if i decided to not go in with this girl and instead pursue nampa. for example, now i have had a prolonged experience of how a girl who respects their man. potentially i wouldn't have that from just doing nampa give the stage i was at regarding dating. and then i would have been regretting not going after my classmate.

and i'm the one who got myself into this situation anyway. so if i don't enjoy it while i have it, then i would only regret not having enjoyed it fully when it eventually ends.

sometimes i see guys make a sentiment where they get depressed with a girl because "what's the point. this isn't going to last forever anyway." but i seemed to have the opposite issue. now that i know that it will end at some point, ironically i want to go all in more with the relationship while i have it. plus i won't have to fabricate my "past dating life" to future girls lol.

i guess the lesson here is sometimes there are times in life where any possible decision you make will entail regret, just in different ways depending on the decision.

---

also unrelated to all of this but i got "scouted" by my language school to act in a scene for a textbook they are writing. since i'm brown, i will be a convenience store worker. so that's cool i guess lol.

[MakingAComeback]

I am working on editing the GOAT's interview he did for my podcast, been in bed sick for a week.

This I will add to a sticky on this section of the forum - KYIL Legendary Progress Journals. This log will also be linked to that.

I will be doing monthly interviews with The Bulldog, exploring many aspects of his journey, and Self Improvement in general.

This is what KYIL is all about.

I have the most respect for a man who finds a healthy and loving relationship.

That, in my opinion, is hard. Just as getting to the stage where you can get laid is. But is it's own journey.

I hope this journal inspires the next Colgate, and there is someone out there who finds a buried treasure within themselves like this incredible man did

THE BROWN SHOGUN

[colgate]

i'm learning surprisingly a lot since being with my gf (well, it probably isn't actually surprising, given that i was a hyper virgin 2 years ago lol).

i feel like there's value in sharing some of the bf-gf type experiences in this log, because i think it really has improved a lot of my interpersonal communication and empathy, areas i previously lamented being deficient in. additionally, there isn't that much of this kind of stuff on this site or in male self-improvement spaces in general.

and while i initially harbored feelings of regret and "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome a few months ago, i think i'm coming around on it and recognizing the value of this relationship. and i think it's a better direction to pursue (because it actually allows me to hustle more in whatever i'm working on too).

not that i plan on sticking with this girl for the rest of my life, but i think journaling some of my experiences here will help me navigate this better.



OMG BUT COLGATE!!! U SAID THAT THE DEATH OF THE MALE IS THE GF!!!!!!!!! LOOKS LIKE U DIED BRO LOL!!!!!!! RIP IN PIECE CUE COFFIN DANCE MUSIC


ok but i LITERALLY said that when i was a virgin...........................................



and my gf basically likes me more and more as time progresses, so i must be doing something right lol. lately every time i come home or join her in bed or whatever she has a huge smile on her face.

and she even started calling me daddy and "old man" out of nowhere. like i totally skipped the "onii-chan" phase and went straight to "chichi" lol. i didn't even ask her to nor did i even think i'd be into it but i love it. yo girl gotta see you as daddy lmao

slightly regret not thinking of doing this sooner as there'd be more of a "timeline", but hey i can start now lol


---


my gf is actually pretty smart, definitely smarter than i am.

OMG SIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIRLZ ARE ALL DUMB HOE SLUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok yes girls are dumb in the girl way. girls make girl excuses not to come out on dates, put up last minute resistance, ghost you, blah blah blah, yes i agree. even my girl was dumb, as i mentioned in the lay report

but there are still girls who are "intellectually" bright. like my gf is really good at solving those bizarre lateral thinking problems such as "imagine everyone on an island with blue eyes is getting kicked out but no one knows their own eye color, figure out on what day all the blue eyed people will leave the island blah blah" (ok you can go look up the real problem description yourself). i can do these kinds of problems but it takes me a lot of time and i need a lot of paper and sometimes i can't even do them and give up lol.



i mention this because as some of you...uh...what's the opposite of brainlets? well anyway some of you IQ 420 dudes probably have also seen your own "intelligence" as a curse. you're sometimes like "fuck i wish i was like that retard jacked dude with 281 tattoos who doesn't give a fuck and grinds on every girl at the club. then my sex life would be solved".

turns out "smart girls" go through the same thing.




there were a few days recently where my girl was literally paralyzed to the bed, unable to do anything because she was thinking about "what is the meaning of my life". she tried calling some of her chinese friends and they basically all just worried together too.

bitch the meaning of yo life is to get back into the kitchen and make me a riceball

i just got home from studying for my japanese exam and had some more studying to do. and when i saw her like this, i was initially like "ugh, this is so annoying i have work to do"

but i couldn't just leave her like that. so it was time to have a talk with daddy (lol)

i won't be talking about "how i solved her problem", but rather "how to connect with someone and allow them to open up to you"...uh "authentic relating" tutorial? lol idk.

anyway, i let her basically brain dump for a while.

in the past, i usually would be in "ok, lets fucking solve this bitch's problem" mode. i am the type of person who basically vents hoping someone can tell me a solution, and i thought everyone was that way (turns out that is NOT the case). i have lost a lot of friends this way, jumping onto "you should do x y z then" and my message falls on deaf ears. granted, there were probably many situations where i didn't even allow the other person to give me enough info to let me accurately come up with a better fitting solution. let alone assuming the fact that i am even qualified to give good advice (omg i have the best dating advice even though i have never dated anyone. all my friends come to me for advice)

well first of all, most people don't want advice. unless they specifically say "can you tell me how to fix this", just because they're venting to you, that doesn't mean they came to you for advice. most people want someone to vent to. that's it.

it was kind of something of an urge to fight to be like "well you should be like x y z". this has never worked for me nor the other person.

instead, i let her talk as much as she wanted, and i just kept it in mind and made a mental bullet list. bonus if you're interacting with a chick in not your native language. in my case, this had the added benefit of improving my japanese listening comprehension.

after she had a spurt of brain dump, i basically just recited my mental bullet list of what she said, with absolutely zero other remarks. basically this is probably what "mirroring" is.

this resulted in her further digging into her brain dump and continuing to try to work things out and explain it. and then i did the same thing again, just making a mental bullet list and repeating it back to her, almost like a parrot. i would also occasionally try to connect the things she already said together, trying to sum up the worries and conversations into an "easier to think about package". the second best thing people want to hear is themselves, the first best thing is other people talking about them.

eventually, when she started to give responses like "yeah! exactly" with not much else, i tried to talk about some of my own personal experiences that i thought related to what she was thinking about. i somewhat tried to be cautious of talking WAY too much about my own problems, noting that right now i'm not the one who is paralyzed to the bed. but i did it as a means to signal "well hey, i've been there too". and then i would make sure to resummarize and tie it back to her story and what she was talking about to stay on track.

THEN, at this point, she WANTED to hear my "solution" and advice. i got the signal when she told me "yeah i was talking with my chinese friends for hours but i didnt get anywhere and they started questioning the meaning of their own lives too...idk what to do..."

at this point, i could use all the information from the conversation to discuss what a potential solution could be. and it was probably better than any past solution i would have come up with because i had previously explicated to her that i understood what she was feeling. and from hinting about my own experiences, i could say "well, when i was in that situation like yours, i did x y z". but this time she is actually listening to me, rather than stifling the urge to be like "omg no one listens to me he's just mansplaining!!!!"

so to sum up how you can effectively empathize with girls (and guys too lol):
0. THEY WANT TO OUTPUT FIRST. THEY DON'T WANT YOUR INPUT. THIS IS A FUNCTION WITH ZERO ARGUMENTS JUST CALL IT!!!!
1. FIRST let the other person brain dump as much as possible.
2. when they stop talking, just summarize what they said, and they will keep brain dumping.
3. repeat this until they start to run out of things to say and start looking like they are actually deferring to your input.
4. NOW that they have felt heard, you can slip in your own experiences that relate. but try to be concise and avoid rambling about your experiences (unless they ask you to continue and actually seem interested).
5. eventually the conversation will hit a point where the other person may or may not want your "solutions and advice". they may just already feel better at this point, and then any further prodding on this will just be annoying to the other person. but if they're asking for solutions and advice, then you can give it now.

another thing i want to note here is that don't try to hold the other person accountable for following your advice lol. it's ok if they don't end up actually following it, maybe they didn't need it in the end or maybe they do need it but it's their life. like most people are not mad hustlers, they just want to feel good (arguably mad hustlers aren't any different, being a mad hustler make them feel good too). i have been like this in the past and as recent as a year ago and it just makes you angry for no reason. additionally the other person will pull away from you too. and if it's a girl you like, you probably don't want that.



anyway, you can imagine that the already daily sex i have been having was even better on this day. i felt like slapping her ass a lot and even light choking her (i'm actually usually super vanilla with her) and she called me daddy way more than usual. great