Got a killer guest post here from Alex of Playing with Fire, full of advice he wished he could give his past self. For those of you who don’t know Alex, he runs a successful YouTube channel about getting laid, dating, retention, and all that good stuff. As an intro to his stuff, I recommend you watch two interviews we did together, answering a tonne of questions about BDSM, Tinder, 3somes and more:
Alex is a genuinely good dude who’s been nothing but really fucking nice to me – he’s a chill dude. He also has his shit together when it comes to getting laid and screening hard. A lot of his advice and philosophies line up pretty nicely with all the stuff we preach over here on the the KYIL side of town, as you’ll see in this guest post below.
So if you like my stuff, you’ll like his stuff – go check him out and tell him I sent you.
A guest post by Alex Vilenchik of Playing with Fire
If you’ve followed my content on YouTube or read my written materials, you might be surprised to know that I haven’t always been a guy who had success with the ladies. In fact, I didn’t lose my virginity until age 19, and for many years after that I still really had no clue what I was doing.
The only reason I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I can get consistent results is through lots of hard lessons and working on myself. I’ve learned a LOT in that time, many of these things I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was first trying to get laid. Since I can’t do that, I wanted to lay them out for you – so that if you’re going through the same journey I went through, you can save time and avoid some of the missteps I experienced.
In this article, I’m going to share the 7 biggest things I wish I’d known from the beginning.
1. Your Ability to Get Laid is a Function of Your SMV (Sexual Market Value), Game, and Volume
Getting Laid = SMV + Game + Volume. By increasing any part of that formula, you will increase your ability to get laid. It’s truly that simple. Ideally, you should try to work on all parts of that formula. Many guys focus only on “looksmaxxing” or believe that “looks don’t matter, only game does.” I’m here to tell you that it’s bullshit. All of these matter. Let’s look at them one by one:
First, looks. Looks have inherent limitations. If you’re a 5 naturally, you’re probably not going to become a 9 or 10, no matter how much work you put in. But you can probably become a 6 or 7. And every point you increase in looks, you’ll see exponentially better results with women. If you’re trying to get laid and you’re not putting the time into looking good (like hitting on the gym, working on fashion and grooming, etc.), you’re hurting your ability to get laid.
Second, game. Game is really important, even if it’s sometimes overstated as a magic bullet. The big thing about game is that, unlike looks, game is something fully in your control – you can improve to an elite level no matter who you are. With regard to Tinder texting (and other apps), your text game matters a whole lot. I see tons of guys who look great but have dogshit text game, miss out on tons of lays (but they still get laid decently often, because looks also matter).
Finally, volume. You can’t get laid without having volume – so that not only means swiping often, but it also means using all the data apps at your disposal (Hinge, Bumble, etc.). Ideally, it also means you do some forms of cold approach as well. It’s simple math: If you are able to convert 1-in-10 girls to a date, and you match with 1-in-10 girls you swipe on, you’ll need to swipe 100 times to get a date. Just like game, volume is completely in your control.
2. Momentum is key to your success as well.
Momentum also plays a big role in your success with women. Think about it: if you’re in a bad cycle, you’re going to get down, and it’s hard to get out of it. If you get into a positive cycle, where you’re meeting chicks, and you’re having some level of success – success breeds more success. What you want to try to get is a series of wins, even if they’re small wins.
3. A lot of conventional wisdom is wrong.
There are a ton of conventional, popularly shared beliefs that are just flat out wrong about dating in general, and online dating specifically. Don’t get stuck in the box, but force yourself to think outside of the box.
If you’re on Andy’s site, you’re probably aware of some of the things that are bullshit, but I want to lay a few of them out to be very clear. All of these pieces of “conventional wisdom” are wrong:
- Don’t use shirtless Tinder photos – you’ll look like a douche (wrong – as long as you’re in good shape)
- Don’t sext girls (wrong)
- Don’t be direct with girls (wrong)
- Don’t invite a girl straight to your house, girls won’t accept that (wrong)
- Don’t double text a girl ever (wrong)
4. You can’t trust most “dating gurus”.
It’s one of my most important learnings. A lot of “dating gurus” are completely wrong, or worse, frauds. Don’t idolize people just because they have big followings on YouTube or social media. Being a dating coach myself, I have seen behind the curtain – and a lot of these dudes are flat out lying.
Now, some guys are legitimate (like Andy from Kill Your Inner Loser). But you need to put in the work to see whether the guys you’re following are slayers or pretenders.
Ask the tough questions. Ask for proof of results. If all they’re doing is talking, that’s a red flag. Basically, go into your journey with an open mind, but don’t believe everything you hear.
5. Screening is very important.
Don’t. Try. To. Seduce. Every. Girl. I see this way too often – guys put way too much effort into a girl who’s not a good fit, or worse, they get down or in their head because they couldn’t get with a girl who they didn’t screen.
It’s essential to screen for girls who are looking for the same thing as you. Get the idea out of your head that you can seduce every girl. It’s not true. Instead, seduce the ones who want the same thing as you.
Lots of chicks want marriage/a relationship/etc. If you want hookups or casual sex, for example, you need to screen out those who want other things. Remember, there are millions of girls out there. You don’t need to be able to attract all of them, only a few. Use screening to your advantage.
6. Being polarizing is key.
I used to test out 2 different profiles on Tinder. I had a generic one that followed all the “conventional wisdom” (I looked like a decently nice guy, I had a safe and non-sexual bio, I ahd no shirtless pics, etc.). Then I had one that was incredibly sexually aggressive (BDSM memes, shirtless pics, an extremely sexual Tinder bio, etc.). I’d get a lot less matches on the sexually aggressive profile, but I’d get way more lays from it.
By being polarizing, you’ll appeal to less girls, but the ones you appeal to will be much more likely to meet up with you and fuck you.
7. Don’t tie your identity into your results with women.
This is crucially important: Don’t tie your self-esteem and self-worth to your success with chicks. A lot of guys who get into the game have low confidence / self-esteem. In fact, I was one of those guys when I started. I would have these massive ups and downs. I’d feel great when I’d hook up with a girl, but then I’d feel like shit when I’d strike out.
The sooner you can get to a point where you can separate those two things, and think highly of yourself regardless of your better outcome, the better off you’ll be. Having your identity tied to success with women will leave you in mental turmoil and make you burnout.
A good analogy is to think about going to the gym. If you’re regular at going to the gym, you probably do care about your physical appearance to an extent. But you probably don’t tie your identity to your results at the gym – if you don’t lift as much as you did last time, you’re not going to go home and be miserable and feel down and out on yourself. Your identity is separate from the gym.
You need to separate out your identity from your results with women, too. As a bonus for doing this, you’ll also be more successful with girls, because they can sense that you don’t care, and that will actually result in you getting more girls.
Conclusion: 10 Years in the Game, Lots of Lessons Learned
When I first started going after women, my results were shit because I had bad game, average looks, and not enough volume. After investing a decade and literally thousands of hours into improving my game, my looks, and my volume, I see a world of difference. I’m able to consistently bang attractive girls, even though the dating market has gotten a lot harder over these years.
This article is focused on those who are on a journey like mine. It’ll help you a ton in that journey to avoid some of the learnings and understand the lessons I’ve gathered over these years. So reject conventional wisdom, allow yourself to become more polarizing, be skeptical of “dating gurus,” but most of all, don’t make your identity about this stuff.
[Andy’s note: Go check out Alex’s channel Playing With Fire – dude is killing it over there with 100k subscribers at the time of writing.
He’s also on TikTok here. ]