Something a ton of guys struggle with is learning how to cold approach/daygame (really, just saying hi to women you meet outside, and asking for their phone number).
It’s often built up into this massively-complex thing; this gargantuan task that seems almost impossible to most guys.
“I can’t hit on women I don’t know!”
“But what if I get rejected?”
“But what if other people see me hitting on her?”
“I could never do that. I’m not cool enough.”
“I’m too short.”
“I need to improve my confidence first.”
“I need to let go of my limiting beliefs first.”
And the biggest lie of all:
“I need to beat my approach anxiety first, in order to be able to hit on women.”
That last one is a doozy; it’s the biggest limiting belief (excuse/lie) people tell themselves; it’s a form of procrastination, a way of avoiding doing the thing that scares us. Maybe you’ve been telling yourself the same story, telling yourself that you need to overcome your anxiety before you can actually start asking some women out.
That’s entirely the reverse of reality; it’s “putting the cart before the horse”. In reality, you get over anxiety (with anything, really) by doing the thing. You won’t feel confident or comfortable with something until you’ve actually done it a few times – confidence is something that is earned through practice/taking action.
So, that’s what my “approach anxiety program” is – a way to get you to actually start doing the thing (hitting on girls), instead of avoiding it by thinking you need to do an approach anxiety program. My “approach anxiety program” isn’t really much of a “program” at all (hence why I keep putting it in “quotes”) – it’s a jump-start for you to start taking those baby steps towards doing your first approach, without building it up into this big, huge, dramatic, scary & intimidating thing.
Because it’s not – at the end of the day, you’re just saying hi to women. You’ve likely already said hi to hundreds or thousands of women in your lifetime – waitresses, grocery store workers, family members, friends, friends of friends, etc. That’s all getting laid is – saying hi to someone, and then just asking for their phone number. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.
So here it is – my version of an “approach anxiety program”. This is the exact formula I give to all of my coaching clients (listen to the audio to hear me explain the program and why I recommend this method for learning to hit on women):
I really recommend you listen to the audio above first, before you continue reading.
To sum up the audio, here’s my “approach anxiety program”:
- Give yourself permission to suck. You do not need to be confident, or do a good job. It’s ok if you’re scared sometimes. It’s ok if you doubt yourself. It’s ok if you are full of insecurities. It’s ok if you really think you can’t do this (I promise you can). Just do your best, and be ok with sucking a bit at the start.
- Go outside each day, for as many minutes/hours as you possibly can, and just think about hitting on women. Phrased another way: every woman you walk past, imagine you’re hitting on her. Imagine what it would be like to say hi. Imagine what it’d be like to make small-talk, then to ask for her number. Play it out in your head, with every cute woman you walk past.
- At any point, you’re allowed to actually hit on a woman; but if you can’t, just keep going out and thinking about hitting on women. Every single second you’re out there is a MASSIVE success. Give yourself a pat on the back every single time you go out there.
- Once it’s become a habit to walk around thinking about hitting on women, start making eye contact with some of them.
- Next, start smiling at some of them.
- Once that’s a habit, start giving compliments to some of them.
- Once that’s a habit, start making small-talk (you do not need to be smooth or have good conversation – give yourself permission to suck). Then ask for her phone number to grab a coffee/drink.
That’s it.
Why so simple?
Because if it’s any more complicated than that, you won’t do it.
(And because this is the formula that has worked the best for all of my coaching clients.)
Seriously, if I give you a massive big “approach anxiety program” filled with tons of drills and things to do and I tell you exactly what to say and how to say it, chances are you’ll either feel too overwhelmed by the size and scope of the program that most of you won’t actually start… or you’ll do it all, but spend weeks/months on it, instead of actually going out there and talking to women (which is what most of you really want to be doing – not “beating my approach anxiety”).
My version of an “approach anxiety program” also ties nicely in to my own way of doing things. Two of my biggest philosophies are “give yourself permission to suck” and “just take a tiny little baby step” – after coaching hundreds of guys, these are the two philosophies that I’ve seen the most success with. If I can just get people to take the tiniest little baby step – even a step that seems pathetically small and insignificant – then momentum starts to build. They start feeling like maybe they can take another baby step.
And then another.
And another.
Before they even know what’s happening, they’re taking bigger and bigger steps and they start gaining confidence and momentum. All of a sudden they’re taking huge steps and kicking ass with their goals.
But if I tell people to take massive action all at once – a few of them can do it. But the vast majority of people cannot (because taking massive leaps of action is often too big a hurdle when you’re a newbie – it can be incredibly overwhelming), and so they’ll simply do nothing. On top of that, they’ll feel like a failure for not being able to take a big leap of action – like “maybe everybody else can do it, but not me. Maybe I’m just too broken. Maybe I’m not the kind of guy who can approach women.“
So, with all of my content – especially when it comes to hitting on women – I get people to take tiny little baby steps, and build up from there. Yes, the steps I’ve given above are incredibly easy. That’s by design. Those steps are the bare minimum – you are allowed to take bigger steps. Hell, nothing’s stopping you from walking up to a woman right this second and telling her she’s cute, grabbing her number and having a wild, kinky, intimate, amazing sexual/dating experience together. But if you attempt that a few times and find yourself unable to actually do it, that’s ok – the baby steps are your fallback option.
So go out there and try just thinking about/imagining talking to some of the women you walk past. Walk around for as many hours a day as you possible can, just getting comfortable with the idea of saying hi to a girl. I promise the more times you keep putting yourself out there, eventually you’ll get it.
You got this.
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