Most Recently Updated:
A guy I’m coaching at the moment, Javier, gave me the idea for this article. He wanted to ask his long-distance girlfriend if she would do an open relationship. The following is the advice I gave him.
Asking a girl for an open relationship is a form of manipulation. By asking her for something, you’re biasing the answer. You’re indicating you want a certain outcome, and (slightly) pressuring her to give you what you want. Most people (especially females) feel at least a little bad saying no. So she might go along with what you’re asking her to do, only to later regret it and go back on her decision. (Which means more drama for you later on.)
A better way of communicating is telling the person how you’re feeling/what you want, and then giving them a chance to think about it and tell you if that’s something they want too. Rather than asking, “Can we do an open relationship?” you tell her “I want an open relationship. Let’s talk about how you feel about it.”
That’ll give you a chance for honest, open communication, and you can ask her if your suggestion is a dealbreaker for her and she wants to leave, or something she wants as well, or something she’d be willing to at least give a go. She’ll have a chance to express any concerns/worries, you’ll talk it out, etc.
Most importantly of all, if she does decide she’ll do what you want, you will be absolutely 100% sure she wants to do it, and you won’t feel guilty that maybe you manipulated her into it. You told her what you wanted in a mature, non-manipulative way, and she told you how she feels about it in a mature, non-manipulative way.
Telling someone what you want is also much more masculine and mature than asking for it. You’re saying, “I’m confident enough to directly tell people what I want.” Women respect that. People in general respect that. You’ll respect yourself more when you do it.
So in the example of an open relationship: don’t “ask” her if she’ll do an open relationship. Instead, be honest and *tell* her how you’re feeling. “I care about you a lot. With the long distance, I’m missing out on sex and that’s something that’s important to me. I’m going to start having sex with other people, but let’s talk about it. Is it something you’re cool with, or is it a dealbreaker for you? I’m not going to force you to stay if it isn’t something you want.”
And then just see how she feels about it.