A guy I’m coaching at the moment, Javier, gave me the idea for this article. He wanted to ask his long-distance girlfriend if she would do an open relationship. The following is the advice I gave him.
Asking a girl for an open relationship is a form of manipulation. By asking her for something, you’re biasing the answer. You’re indicating you want a certain outcome, and (slightly) pressuring her to give you what you want. Most people (especially females) feel at least a little bad saying no. So she might go along with what you’re asking her to do, only to later regret it and go back on her decision. (Which means more drama for you later on.)
A better way of communicating is telling the person how you’re feeling/what you want, and then giving them a chance to think about it and tell you if that’s something they want too. Rather than asking, “Can we do an open relationship?” you tell her “I want an open relationship. Let’s talk about how you feel about it.”
That’ll give you a chance for honest, open communication, and you can ask her if your suggestion is a dealbreaker for her and she wants to leave, or something she wants as well, or something she’d be willing to at least give a go. She’ll have a chance to express any concerns/worries, you’ll talk it out, etc.
Most importantly of all, if she does decide she’ll do what you want, you will be absolutely 100% sure she wants to do it, and you won’t feel guilty that maybe you manipulated her into it. You told her what you wanted in a mature, non-manipulative way, and she told you how she feels about it in a mature, non-manipulative way.
Telling someone what you want is also much more masculine and mature than asking for it. You’re saying, “I’m confident enough to directly tell people what I want.” Women respect that. People in general respect that. You’ll respect yourself more when you do it.
So in the example of an open relationship: don’t “ask” her if she’ll do an open relationship. Instead, be honest and *tell* her how you’re feeling. “I care about you a lot. With the long distance, I’m missing out on sex and that’s something that’s important to me. I’m going to start having sex with other people, but let’s talk about it. Is it something you’re cool with, or is it a dealbreaker for you? I’m not going to force you to stay if it isn’t something you want.”
And then just see how she feels about it.
Change your life for $1?
This is EVERYTHING I learned going from depressed and suicidal to living a life of abundance and joy. This epic video course + ebook bundle is full of step-by-step instructions you can follow to build an epic life other people could only dream of. Pay whatever you like for it (even if that's just $1)
PlayToWinMindset.com
I have a girlfriend literally 1000 miles away that visits me once in a while to have sex. I told her that I want to fuck bitches and convinced her that I want an open relationship. She cried a lot of course, but I even told her if she wants to have sex with some chump, she can go do it. She says “No, I only want to do it with you.”. After that talk she loves me more and respects me more. The more freedom you give to a women, the more she ties herself to you
My motto is “Live life to the fullest, lost time is the worst regret in your deathbed”‘
Great article
You’ve missed the entire point of this article – and my site/philosophy.
The point isn’t to “convince” a girl you want an open relationship – and then make her cry, and manipulate her a bit more with “If you want to go have sex with some chump, go do it”. Now you’ve got a girl who doesn’t really want to do what she’s doing, but is just putting up with it.
Wouldn’t your time be better spent with a girl who’s absolutely 100% cool with an open relationship (plenty of them exist. This girl clearly isn’t one of them.) – rather than one who’s been coerced into it? You’ll end up with a lot less drama/tears/fights – and a lot more happiness/contentment – in the long-run.
Great post Andy, I read it a few days ago but didn’t fully understood what you meant by it. Then a few days later I had a situation with a girl where she was mad at me for no apparent reason until she finally opened up and straight told me she felt kind of weird because I asked (pressured) her to do something.
At first I thought she was acting all crazy and even got a bit dissapointed/mad but yesterday it hit me that I indeed pushed her to comply and was very insistent about it, I remembered this article and was suddenly able to see things from her perspective.
So I’ve just reread the article and it made a ton of sense now. Thanks mate!
That’s awesome man, glad to hear it.