Hey legends – a lot of you guys are keen as hell to try BDSM, but you’re intimidated and have no idea where to start. Most of the hesitation I’ve seen from guys is because they think they need to be “in character” the entire time, like they need to be a perfect Dom who always knows what he’s doing, is always in control, knows how to use all the toys, and never breaks character.
Fuck that.
That just sounds like a lot of work – it’s intimidating as hell to think you need to be good at this right from the very start. It’s also unrealistic; after all, how could you be good at something you’ve never done before? In this article I’ll help you take some of that pressure off yourself, and actually enjoy BDSM and kink – and give her (and yourself) the kind of crazy, wild, passionate sex she’s been reading about in those romance novels (you know the ones…) The kind of sex that’ll have her coming back for more.
A quick rundown on how I find girls for BDSM:
Here’s my Hinge profile, to show you how upfront you can be about BDSM:
And here’s how the conversation usually goes:
You can see I’m not doing anything particularly amazing; I’m not “staying in character”, I’m not “playing a Dom character” – I’m literally just a normal guy asking her if she’s into BDSM (screening), and finding the women who are down to explore it with me.
On the date, I’ll just talk about normal topics (hobbies, job, etc) and then at some point ask her “So what kinky/BDSM things have you always wanted to try in the bedroom?” We’ll spend some time talking about what she’s into, I’ll tell her what I’m into, and then I’ll say “Wanna come back to mine and we can try some of the things we’ve talked about?” Most women say yes (because I’ve already pre-screened them by being so upfront and honest on the dating apps).
We go back to mine, I lead her to the bedroom, show her some of my toys, ropes, blindfolds, etc – and then we get down to business.
Why You Don’t Need to Be Perfect — and Why That’s What Makes It Work
As I said, over the years I’ve seen so many men intimidate themselves out of BDSM before they ever really try it. They imagine once they step into it (like stepping into a role), they have to be perfect.
Always confident.
Always dominant.
Always “in character”.
Some of you probably put the same pressure on yourself – even if you’re not into BDSM. A pressure of “My dick always has to be hard, I’m never allowed to pause, I’m never allowed to be uncertain, I have to do a good job pleasuring her or she won’t want to sleep with me again, I’m not allowed to slow down, and I’m NEVER allowed to ask her if what I’m doing feels good or if she wants to try something else.”
Guys think that if they can just learn enough techniques in the bedroom, or be perfect with their skills, then they’ll be a great lover. Like if they could just know what women want, they’ll be perfect sex gods.
(A lot of women put pressure on themselves too, by the way – “What if I don’t do a good job of submitting to him? What if I break the vibe? What if I’m not as pretty as other girls he’s seen?” etc).
Guys think that BDSM – and sex in general – means putting on a mask, and once it’s on, you’re never allowed to take it off. The mask of “I know what I’m doing, I’m an expert in the bedroom”. Funny thing is, that usually leads to worse sex – because it’ll mean you won’t ask her what she likes, you won’t ask her if something’s feeling good, you won’t tailor the experience to the fantasies you both want to explore – you’ll just be mindlessly following some script you hope will work with every woman (when in truth, every woman is different – just like every guy is different).
The truth is much simpler — and much more forgiving.
You’re Allowed to Be New. You’re Allowed to Suck.
One of the biggest breakthroughs I had with BDSM was giving myself permission to be bad at it. (Not reckless, not careless, just… inexperienced). I literally told myself “It’s ok if I have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t have to be some flawless, hyper-competent Dom who always knows what he’s doing. I’m allowed to just learn, and improve over time.”
I showed up with humility and a willingness to admit to myself – and to the women – “I don’t know what I’m doing just yet, but I’m super excited to learn. Come over, I bought some ropes and a blindfold, let’s watch a YouTube tutorial and follow along and try it.”
You know what surprised me? A ton of women loved that. Not because it sounded slick, but because it sounded real. Collaborative. Low pressure. Fun.
Some of them said, “I’ve never tried any kink either, I’m so excited!” Occasionally I’d meet a woman who said “I prefer a Dom who knows what he’s doing” – I just thanked them for their honesty. The ones who wanted to try it with me, they’d come over, we’d put on a youtube tutorial (tons of them out there), and we’d just explore, make some mistakes together, learn, and get good at it. Through repetition and practice, I eventually became pretty damn good at BDSM – because I didn’t put the pressure on myself to be good at it.
And maybe even cooler than that – instead of killing the mood, it made the whole thing lighter, safer, and ironically… hotter. Without the pressure on myself (performance anxiety) of having to be “good” or “perfect” or “experienced”, I was able to relax and try random things and see what I liked (and what she liked). Without the pressure, sex becomes 100x hotter, because you’re not so in your own head, focusing on your own performance – instead, you’re present with her, enjoying her body, her moans, the way she looks, the way she feels, and how much she wants you 😉
I asked a woman I’m dating – Molly – if she feels the sex is hotter & better, because I ask how she’s feeling in the moment? She said:
“Yes. This is definitely true. I didn’t believe it until I experienced it though. I thought saying all those things out loud like “does this feel good” “do you like this”… I think I had in my head that would, like, “kill the mood”. But often it puts me in a place to actually ask myself, “how does this feel?” And it gives me an opportunity to go back to my body and out of my head and then everything ends up feeling even better!!!”
You Don’t Have to Stay “In Character” the Whole Time
Here’s another myth that messes people up: They think that BDSM only works if you never break the fourth wall. Like you have to step into a character, and NEVER step out of it, until the sex is completely over.
Sure, you can have sex like that (and it can certainly be fun), but it doesn’t have to be like that. Me? I rarely have sex like that. Most of the time I’m not playing a character, I’m just… me. I’m just a regular guy exploring some BDSM & dominance – I don’t have to change myself or stop being me, just to enjoy kinky sex.
Which means I can slow things down if I want to. I can take a break if I want to (or she wants to). I can ask her, in the middle of it, “How does that feel? You want it harder, or softer?” If I have a moment where I’m not sure what to do next, I can literally pause and say “Hey, what’s something fun we could try next?” I don’t have to always be the expert; I don’t have to have all the answers, all of the damn time (that’s so much pressure).
And because of that, she gets to feel safe – like she can tell me how she’s feeling, tell me if she wants to try something else or take a break. And that safety – that trust – means she’ll really open up and let go, and become the kinky, filthy little vixen I’m trying to turn her into 😉
I asked Molly how BDSM feels with me, when I usually don’t play a character:
“It feels like we can be closer. It feels like I am safe. It feels more authentic. It feels like we are allowed to be real with each other.”
Over the years of doing this, I’ve had a lot of women tell me their worst BDSM experiences were with men who never dropped the character. Like he was trying so hard to be the “expert Dom” all the time, which made her feel like she couldn’t speak up & ask for anything (or ask to slow down). Like if she asked to slow down, she’d “ruin the scene” or “kill the mood”. Like if she hesitated, or was unsure and just wanted to think for a moment about if she was enjoying things, she’d be doing something “wrong”.
I had quite a few girls tell me it was like they were acting in a play, instead of sharing an experience. (Some girls even told me it was traumatic, since they didn’t feel like they could speak up for fear of “ruining things”). An example from Molly – she had a BDSM experience with this guy we’ll call “D” – and it was a pretty traumatic experience, to the point where she was put off by BDSM for years afterwards. In her words:
“I think it would have helped me feel a lot safer if I knew he was “D” first, and “the Dom” second. And I could be Molly first, and “the sub” second.”
Once a guy turns himself into a character, he stops feeling like the same human she went on a date with. And yeah, sometimes that’s hot as hell (when you discuss it first – this is called “negotiating a scene”). But if you’re relatively new to BDSM, it often just creates distance & “weird vibes” – rather than the passionate, intimate, wild kinky sex you’re hoping for.
In contrast, when you stay you, and let the dynamic breathe, she doesn’t have to perform either.
The Fastest Way to Be Bad at BDSM
A lot of guys mess up BDSM (or never even try it in the first place) because they’re trying to mind-read. They assume:
- all women want the same things in the bedroom
- there’s a correct script or template you should follow
- once you learn the “right moves,” you can just run the program the same way each time
It’s like they’re trying to unlock a cheat code for sex. (I tried for years to do the same thing). In other words: “If I just do X, every single woman will love it, and I’ll never have to worry about being bad at sex ever again.”
That mindset creates rigid, disconnected dynamics — and sometimes genuinely bad experiences. Even after years of experience, I still ask a lot of questions. Not because I’m insecure — but because how else would I know?
Everybody is different. And every body is different. Every fantasy lands differently depending on timing, mood, what she’s into, what she’s not into, and how much trust you’ve built with her. What works amazingly with one woman might feel wrong with another. That doesn’t mean you screwed up — it means you adapt.
The men who end up being bad lovers, are often the ones who decide: “This worked before, so I’ll just do it again.” And instead of responding to the person in front of them, they’re following a script in their head. That’s how BDSM becomes clumsy at best — and terrible at worst.
Leadership Isn’t a Script. It’s Responsiveness.
Real dominance isn’t robotic. It’s not about running a pre-planned sequence and hoping she reacts correctly.
It’s about leading in real time.
That means:
- noticing when she leans in
- noticing when she pulls back
- adjusting without panic
- asking instead of assuming
- And more than anything – asking her questions, and getting feedback as to how she’s feeling.
You’re allowed to say:
- “How does this feel?”
- “Be a good girl and tell me what you want right now.”
- “Want to keep going? If you do, beg.”
You’re allowed to pause things, if you want to. You’re even allowed to stop the scene and take a break. You’re allowed to throw the script away completely, and just do what feels good for you and for her – going with the flow.
That doesn’t make you less dominant — it makes you more grounded. Molly’s thoughts on all this:
“I think before, I had an idea in my head that bdsm/dom/sub type of sex would be like, I have to just learn to let go and accept whatever happens to me, whatever you want to happen to me. But when you asked me questions and just showed me that you even cared about my experience, I was like oh! Maybe I’m allowed to feel nice too and have some of what I want. It was a nice realisation.”
The Irony Most Men Miss
The men who try hardest to appear dominant are often the least effective at it.
They’re so focused on not breaking character that they stop listening, they stop leading. So focused on proving themselves that they stop being an actual leader. And women feel that.
Jocko Willink has a really great book, Extreme Ownership, which talks about what actual leadership is (he was a Navy Seal – he knows what he’s talking about when it comes to leadership). Look at the guy:
Definitely a man who knows how to lead. One of the points he keeps hammering home in the book is real leadership listens. Real leadership asks questions. Real leadership doesn’t just steamroll over everybody else; that’s arrogance (and often insecurity). Real leadership wants everybody to be happy, otherwise insubordination ensues.
And in the bedroom, the men who actually create powerful, erotic dynamics are usually doing something pretty simple:
They’re calm.
They’re curious.
They’re adaptable.
They’re not afraid to ask questions.
They don’t need to pretend they know everything — because they trust themselves enough to learn in the moment.
Here’s Molly’s thoughts:
“I think you are a good leader because you observe my preferred pace and you ask a lot of questions. You are always in charge and making the decisions, but they never feel beyond what I would like in terms of my boundaries”
And that’s what makes women relax. That’s what makes things open up. That’s what makes BDSM stop feeling intimidating — and start feeling hot as hell.
The Takeaway
I’ll say this for the zillionth time: You don’t need to be a perfect Dom. You don’t need a script. You don’t need to stay in character at all costs. It’s ok if you don’t know what you’re doing (you can practice, learn, evolve, grow – you’ll get better over time). Just admit – honestly and openly – to yourself and to her that you’re still learning, and that you’re excited to learn with her.
Great BDSM – and great sex in general – comes from presence and being in the moment, rather than being in your own head. Give yourself permission to slow down a bit, take your time, and take that damn mask off. The real power isn’t in playing a role – it’s in being someone that women feel safe exploring with.
If you want some beginner how-to guides to get you started, I have a list here: https://killyourinnerloser.com/bdsm-guides/
Go out there and have fun – it’s ok if you don’t always know what you’re doing. You’ll figure it out, with practice.
