Listen to this episode in audio form:
Approach anxiety can feel overwhelming at times; it’s terrifying, often paralysing, all-consuming, scary as shit. But I want you to do something for me: I want you to reframe the way you look at approach anxiety.
I want you to see it for what it is: It’s a chance to grow.
It’s a chance to move from fear into courage.
It’s a chance to grind like an RPG game – you’re grinding experience and levelling up your character. You’re growing more confident as you talk to more women, you’re learning what works and what doesn’t work, you’re improving your masculinity, your stoicism, your social skills, your ability to get laid. You are improving with every approach you do, just like a video game.
It’s also a chance to confront your demons and do things most men don’t do; most men couldn’t even contemplate the very idea of saying hello to a woman they don’t know, let alone asking for her number, let alone going on a date with her, let alone inviting her back to his place, let alone having sex with her.
And imagine if you never confront those demons, never choose to improve at getting laid… Instead you get into a relationship with the first woman who’s even remotely nice to you and you just feel like a fraud, you can’t fully give to her, you can’t fully love her from a stoic, happy place – because you feel like an imposter who hasn’t fully faced all his fears. You never beat your approach anxiety, you never got laid properly, you never had a handle on your sex life, you never improved yourself or worked on yourself in any meaningful capacity. You just… “let life happen”.
Approach anxiety is also a mirror held up to your deepest fears and insecurities – stuff you’ll repress for the rest of your life. It shows you what you’re afraid of, and it challenges you to go work on those things. It challenges you to tackle the shit that’ll mess with you if you don’t face it. Because if you don’t deal with those fears and insecurities, they will subconsciously rule you and steer your life.
You won’t be the captain of your own ship. You won’t be the master of your fate.
But if you do work on your approach anxiety; if you do confront those demons and face them with courage, you’ll no longer be controlled by your fears. And then your life will be your own – you won’t be a reactionary animal who just knee-jerk reacts to everything. You’ll know everything you achieved was by your own hand, and you earned it. It’s yours to keep.
And think about this: wouldn’t it be worse if you DIDN’T have approach anxiety?
Imagine if you didn’t have a fear of hitting on girls – because you’d just given up, like the average guy?
The average guy doesn’t even THINK about hitting on girls in public, he doesn’t even think it’s a possibility. So he has no anxiety about it.
But what a shit life that’d be. Complacent, having no choice over who you date or fuck or marry.. just coasting along and having to put up with the first girl who pays you even the slightest bit of attention.
You’d be a passenger in your own life… a victim of circumstances.
So be grateful you have anxiety. Be grateful you care. Be grateful you want something more.
The life we’ve chosen – one of self-improvement, goals, achievements, kicking ass, building something – is much much harder than the life most people choose.
We have to face our fears, face our demons, improve and get better – that shit is hard.
But it’s ultimately more rewarding. We get to hit higher highs than the average person could ever dream of.
And besides, you know what’s really scary? Being complacent, living an average life, being barely ok, having to self-medicate like the average person does with food, alcohol, netflix, video games, cheating on your wife, porn.
Does that sound happy to you?
Does that sound fun?
So we don’t really have a choice, do we. We can’t live that life. We’re destined for self-improvement.
It was always inevitable. So be grateful to your anxieties and fears.
They’re telling you what you should work on next.
They’re a lighthouse, guiding you to the next mission, the next thing to conquor, the next victory.
Your approach anxiety is a GOOD thing, I promise. One day it’ll disappear (for the most part) and you’ll remember fondly the days when just saying hi to a girl used to terrify the living shit out of you.
And you’ll be grateful for how easy it is now, how far you’ve come, how much you’re grown.
Anxieties and fears are our best friends. We just have to stop fighting them, and start working WITH them.
Run towards your fears.
Go out there and crush your goals.
I got quite emotional listening to the podcast for this I had to listen to it twice. I tried my first “cold approach” today but had 0 results (it got dark pretty quick and as you may expect I just found magical excuses as to why I couldn’t “approach” the 4 -5 women I did pass by). I was even thinking “If Andy was here right now he wouldn’t be having any of this”.
I’m going to keep going out each day until I approach a girl, number or no number. Thank you Andy.
Congrats on actually putting yourself out there and fucking trying dude, that’s huge. You have no idea how huge that is.
As I said here, your only mission with cold approach is to just stay out on the front lines:
Go out again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and just keep doing it until one day it clicks and you talk to a few girls. I promise you every single person I’ve ever told to just go outside and TRY, eventually ends up hitting on girls. I have not met a single exception. Some guys take a few days, some guys take a few weeks, some guys need to grind out hours and hours and hours of trying, but every single person eventually starts talking to girls.
After all, that’s all this is – you’re literally just talking to girls. You’re just saying hi to them.
You got this.