Cover image by Dave Lowe.
Andy answers a listener’s questions about struggling to trust his girlfriend, being too suspicious and insecure, and how to learn to open up and be real.
SHOWNOTES:
You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought:
https://kyil-extra.com/recommendations#luxury
It’s You and Me (you’re both on the same team):
https://killyourinnerloser.com/you-and-me/
Honesty is an Ideal You Work Towards:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/honesty-is-an-ideal/
Immy’s Thoughts on Honesty:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/what-honesty-looks-like-in-a-relationship/
Hit me up for coaching if you’re struggling yourself:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/coaching
Hi Andy,
I got a question, my gf (9 months) went to her home country for 12 days and she was texting a lot, wanted to do video calls etc. I tried to also keep contact as much as I could. Everything was good until Monday where she started to complain as I could not text back and we had phone call in the evening & everything was okay afterwards and that she misses me a lot. She send me then a nice text afterwards, but I was already sleeping and the next morning I only replied with a heart emoji. She made then huge drama that is not respectful and I should have answered back on it & if I were from here culture she would break up…
Nevertheless we met when she came back, had sex and went for dinner afterwards. During the dinner she was quite cold & cocky. At some point we were talking about covid or something, where she eventually said in my face “you shut up now” because we did not agree on something. She realized what she said and asked “are you pissed? It was just a joke” and I replied no, we paid, left the restaurant and she said she will go home & I said yes that is better.
Since then (3 days) we have no contact & I was also not in the mood yet to contact her. I also asked this question in the red pill forum and they said she is of course cheating and therefore making this drama. This thing is now in my mind… independently I also found it so disrespectful how she talked to me in this bossy tone to shut up and threatend to break up.
I am surely not the best communicator with feelings and she complaint about that in the past already and I have issues saying “now you crossed a boundary”, but the things that happened now really make me think if I should contiune with her & of course the cheating topic is now also in my mind and driving me crazy.
Is it okay to continue my soft next / not talking to her unti I know what I want or should I address the stuff she did already?
Hi Andy,
I’d like to share an update and I guess this whole topic might be anyways a little too complex to solve via comments. In the meantime I was reading a lot on your website, especially “You and me” and about “honesty”. I bought “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and started that as well. Thank you for this great stuff!
I realized that I am acting very mechnical with all these tools like “soft next” etc. and I might confuse her as I did not tell when I was bothered with something (or even said I am ok to avoid conflict) and I just disappeared.
We met on Sunday, after I contacted her. She was super sweet and we had a super good time together. Yesterday was valentines day & I had a super busy day at work again and she text me then at 6:30 pm that she expected a message from me and that “we have to talk…” & “come to my place tomorrow from 7-7:30pm”. I just asked if she wants to break up and she wrote then “I want to solve things, but maybe breakup” & then she came up that she “expected attention last week, but I dissappeared” -> This is drama, I am not here to give her always what she wants, but then she also wrotes that “you haven’t apologized for Wednesday” -> That was the evening we met and she was bossy & telling me to shut up, I did not tell her that this is not respectful, I got mad without talking about it and we split without talking. Afterwards I did my “soft next”.
I definitely allowed drama and I confused her with my mechnical use of “soft next”, but on the other hand it is not my job to give her attention when she wants. I was thinking about to be now f**** honest and tell her that I did not share when I was pissed and tried to avoid conflict, but also tell her that there is boundaries in a relationship & it is not my job to always do what she wants & needs.
Hey!
Been following your site for quite some time now. I’ve also written some questions here.
My question would be: once you see how the dating market works and you DON’T agree with it, you DON’T like it, how do you cope?
I’ve never been cheated on , HOWEVED, I’ve had multiple chances where girls want to cheat with ME. Bare in mind, I’m not a chad. I’m 24 years old, I’m still a virgin (but not really planning on losing it – I have pretty grim views on sex due to all of the cheating and promiscuity/animalism I’ve seen in college, so maybe i’ll do it one day, maybe not. I’m definitely not gay :D)
I’d just want one decent average looking girl, raise a family and not worry about not “being sexual enough”, or that there are multiple better options on tinder etc. I know it’s not that black and white, since I’ve HAD chances – I’ve just rejected most girls because they don’t have similar goals (they want to have sex, I want a proper relationship, someone who helps with my goals and vice versa. I’m not that interested in sex).
I’ve felt hopeless for years just because other people seem so much more… sex and lust based than I am. BOTH men and women.7
Incels – want to be sexually wanted and want to have sex with normal girls, but can’t because of different reasons.
normal girls – want to have sex with hot guys, will often cheat if a “better option” comes along.
me – want one cute girl, raise a family, die.
Well, It’s not really a question now that I think about it – just a rant on society and being hopeless
Hey mate – that’s a huge, super in-depth bunch of questions I can’t possibly help you with in a comment. If you’d actually like them answered, hit me up for a coaching call and we’ll dive deep. Or join my Patreon – $50 means you can ask me questions (like the ones above) and I’ll answer them either in a podcast or in a private message.
-Andy