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A guy on my Youtube channel asked me a question I get quite a lot:
“How many cold approaches should I do before I know something’s wrong — before I know I need to fix something?”
Lemme put on my self-love hat for a moment to dish out a bit of wisdom that’ll help you in the longterm:
There is nothing “wrong” with you.
Here’s what usually happens: a guy does 10, 20, maybe 30 approaches, doesn’t get the results he wants, and immediately thinks:
- “I must be doing something wrong.”
- “My social skills must suck.”
- “I’m not confident enough.”
- “I’m too short / too old / too autistic / too ugly.”
- “There’s something wrong with me, obviously.”
We love to diagnose ourselves. We love to slap labels on ourselves and conclude that something is broken, or bad, or wrong, or “needs fixing”. But walking around believing “I’m broken” or “I’m doing something wrong” is the fastest way to destroy your confidence.
And when your confidence is shot, your approaches get worse. You speak quieter. You hesitate. You seem unsure. You’re not enjoying yourself. You don’t talk to as many women, you’re not as happy, and this whole process isn’t as fun. And women can feel that energy.
So before we talk about numbers, let’s change how we frame this whole question in the first place. Let’s start with the truth: There’s nothing “wrong” – just some things you can improve.
Instead of thinking, “Something is wrong with me,” try these more positive reframes:
- “I’m decent at conversation — I can make it even better.”
- “My mental health is okay — I can keep improving it.”
- “My style is fine — I might try dressing a little sharper.”
This mindset shift is everything. Because now you’re not walking around thinking you’re broken — you’re walking around thinking you’re a work-in-progress. And that energy is confident, grounded, and attractive.
Sure — if you’ve done 200 or 300 approaches and haven’t gone on a single date, then yeah, there’s probably something you could improve. That’s just common sense.
But instead of thinking, “I’ll do 300 approaches and then I’ll know if I’m broken,” why not just… start improving now?
Why wait for a magic number?
Why not work on your confidence, your style, your conversation skills, your grooming, your self-love — while you’re doing those approaches?
Hitting on girls/having sex is a lifestyle. Make approaching, learning, and growing something you do consistently. That’s how you win.
One of the biggest mistakes I see guys make is treating everything as black or white (making it binary). Examples:
- “I’m confident” or “I’m not confident.”
- “I’m attractive” or “I’m ugly.”
- “I’m good at talking to women” or “I can’t talk to women.”
Reality isn’t binary — it’s a spectrum. If you can talk to anyone at all, you’re not “bad” at conversation — maybe you’re a level 5 out of 10, and now the goal is to reach level 6. It’s like you’re a character in a video game, just trying to level yourself up. Self-improvement is allowed to be fun.
If you think you’re “ugly,” maybe you’re actually 1% attractive. Cool — how can you make it 2%? Then 3%? Can you improve your grooming, build some muscle, dress better, or simply learn to like yourself more?
Even your mental health is on a spectrum. If you can say “my mental health sucks,” that means you have enough awareness and courage to talk about it — and that’s already a win. From there, it’s just about getting from level 2 to level 3.
I also recommend you focus on what’s right with you – what’s good about you, and your approaches. Most people are so hell-bent on focusing on their “flaws”, beating themselves up, they don’t even stop to focus on what they’re doing well.
In my coaching programs, one of the first things I have clients do is write a list of 50 things they like about themselves. It does wonders for their self-esteem, because it’s a reminder that you’re already enough – and we’re just levelling up and being even more awesome. That positive mindset fills you with the confidence to go outside and hit on girls, or make more money, or crush it at the gym. You’ll work 10x harder and achieve 10x more if you’re nice to yourself for once.
Try it. And while you’re at it, stand in front of the mirror every night and say, “I love you.” I’ve done this every single day for years — it changes everything.
Yes — go out and do hundreds of approaches. But while you’re doing them, work on:
- Your confidence
- Your mental health
- Your self-love
- Your style
- Your communication
- Your fitness
And most importantly: stop doing this alone.
Trying to approach 300 women without guidance, feedback, or support is basically self-torture. You don’t have to do that. Join a community. Find wingmen. Get some friends. Hire a coach. Surround yourself with people who will support you, guide you, and remind you that you’re enough.
Because at the end of the day, you’re not broken. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You’re not too old, too awkward, too ugly, or too late.
You’re a work-in-progress (just like me) — and you always will be. That’s the whole point of this journey.
So stop diagnosing yourself. Start improving yourself.
Stop looking for what’s wrong. Start building on what’s right.
And for the love of God — stop walking this path alone.
💪 P.S. If you want help building confidence, approaching women, and actually liking yourself while you do it — that’s exactly what we do inside my coaching programs.
Right now, I’ve got one spot left for 1-on-1 coaching (50% off for a limited time) – this is probably the LAST TIME I’m going to offer 1-on-1 coaching (I’m moving to only group coaching). Payment plans are available and you can jump on a free call with me to discuss:
https://killyourinnerloser.com/apply-1on1
No more struggling on your own.
