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A lot of beginners obsess over the wrong thing when they start approaching women.
They ask:
“What’s the best opener?”
“What’s the funniest line?”
“What if she doesn’t like what I say?”
Underneath all of those questions is an attempt to remove uncertainty. You’re hoping that if you find the perfect thing to say, nobody will ignore you, reject you, or respond badly.
But dating does not work like that.
You are walking up to a stranger. You cannot control her reaction. You can be warm, respectful, honest, and socially aware—but you cannot guarantee that every woman will like you.
And that is completely okay.
You Are Not There to Perform
I used to believe I had to impress women.
I thought I needed to be incredibly funny, charismatic, masculine, smooth, and confident. I felt like a dancing monkey desperately trying to perform well enough to earn a phone number, a date, or sex.
That mindset puts an enormous amount of pressure on you.
Instead of being present with the woman in front of you, you’re constantly judging yourself:
“Was that funny enough?”
“Am I holding my frame?”
“Does she think I’m masculine?”
“What should I say next?”
But your mission is not to make every woman like you.
Your mission is to be yourself, improve yourself over time, and find the women who naturally like the person you are becoming.
You are not only trying to impress her. You are also discovering who she is.
Is she warm?
Is she kind?
Does she have a sense of humour?
Do you enjoy talking to her?
Is there chemistry?
Is she actually a good fit for you?
She is deciding whether she likes you, but you are allowed to decide whether you like her too.
Have No Expectations—Only Curiosity
One of my favourite mindsets is:
I have no expectations, only curiosity.
Instead of thinking:
“I need this approach to go well.”
Try:
“I wonder what she’s like.”
“Let’s go and find out.”
Curiosity is much lighter than expectation.
You do not know whether she is single. You do not know whether she will find you attractive. You do not know whether the two of you will have anything in common.
You cannot know until you walk over and speak to her.
So stop trying to predict the entire interaction from twenty metres away.
Just go and find out.
“Fuck It. I’ll Go Say Hi.”
When you notice yourself standing there debating, calculating, and negotiating with yourself, use this:
“Fuck it. I’ll go say hi.”
Then start walking.
You do not need to feel completely ready before you move. You can even be honest about your hesitation:
“Hey, I was debating whether to come over, but I thought, fuck it, I’ll just say hi. I thought you were cute.”
That is enough.
You do not need a complicated routine. You do not need a memorised script.
Most of the time, I simply say:
“Hey, I thought you were cute and wanted to come say hi.”
That is essentially what I said when I approached Molly, my girlfriend. I had no idea that this woman walking past me would become someone I would fall deeply in love with.
I only found out because I walked over.
Give Yourself Permission to Suck
Your first approaches might be awkward.
Good.
Nobody is born comfortable talking to strangers. It is a skill, and awkwardness is part of learning it.
You might stumble over your words.
You might fail to think of something funny.
You might have an interaction that feels clumsy.
Nothing terrible has happened.
You were simply an imperfect human being talking to another imperfect human being.
I have approached a lot of women, gone on a lot of dates, had beautiful relationships, and created a dating life I am extremely grateful for.
I did all of that while being imperfect.
I have been nervous. I have had awkward moments. I have stumbled over my words. I have had days where my brain barely worked.
You do not need to become a flawless, finished product before women can like you.
Some women will actually adore you because you are real, warm, honest, and human.
You don’t have to be smooth.
Smooth is for peanut butter.
You are allowed to be a little clumsy, chunky, and nutty.
She Isn’t Perfect Either
You allow women to be nervous, insecure, awkward, emotional, and imperfect.
Why are you demanding perfection from yourself?
She might overthink.
She might say something strange.
She might struggle to know what to say.
She might be afraid you will not like her.
In many interactions, both people are standing there scared of each other.
You are not facing a mystical creature who is scoring your opener out of ten. You are meeting another human being.
Stop trying to perform.
Start trying to connect.
She Isn’t Rejecting You—She Is Declining an Offer
You are making an offer:
“Would you like to talk?”
“Would you like to go on a date?”
“Would you like to kiss?”
She can accept or decline.
People decline invitations every day. It does not mean they have rejected your humanity or declared you unworthy of love.
She might have a boyfriend.
She might be in a rush.
She might not be attracted to you.
She might simply not feel like talking.
That is allowed.
Every “no” also brings you one conversation closer to the next “yes.” It gives you another repetition and another opportunity to become more relaxed, present, and socially capable.
Every conversation is movement.
What If It’s Her?
If you keep approaching, improving yourself, and learning, one of these women will eventually say yes.
Not a reluctant yes.
An enthusiastic one.
One day, a woman may look at you and think:
“Oh my God – yes. I really like this guy.”
The woman you are currently talking yourself out of approaching could become your future girlfriend, your future wife, or simply someone with whom you share a beautiful adventure.
You genuinely do not know.
When I saw Molly walking past me, she was just another attractive stranger. I could not see the love, vulnerability, sex, cuddles, kisses, adventures, and connection that would eventually grow between us.
All of that began because I walked over and spoke to her.
The opener was not what changed my life.
The decision to approach did.
Just Say Hi
Millions of relationships began with:
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
“Hello.”
Do not underestimate simple.
You are not trying to become the man with the perfect opener.
You are trying to become the man who is willing to walk over and say hi.
Two imperfect humans.
One conversation.
That is all this is.
Stop waiting to feel ready.
Stop waiting until you are perfectly confident, perfectly attractive, perfectly smooth, or completely free from fear.
Walk over as the person you are today.
Be curious.
Be honest.
Give yourself permission to suck.
And just go say hi.
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