“Honesty is the best policy”.
Now this is a statement I stand behind. It’s a core principle I hold; one that permeates pretty much every aspect of my life. But not for the usual childish reasons people spout like, “because being honest means you’re a good & virtuous and noble person!” or “because lies make Jesus sad!”
The main reason I’m always honest is because I just can’t be bothered lying. It’s too much effort, it results in too much drama. It means I have to keep track of the lie(s) I’ve told and continue to keep telling them. I have to feel guilty for being a lying shitbag. I’ll never really know if girls like me for me, or just for the lies I’ve used to manipulated them into sleeping with me…
If you just aim for honesty – especially in your dealings with women – life becomes a whole lot simpler. There’s no thinking about what the “right thing” to say is, there’s no getting stuck in your head, trying to figure out how to handle a certain situation. For most guys, being allowed to drop the notion of “I must say the right thing at all times” is a godsend – it removes a huge burden from their shoulders & frees them up to just be in the moment.
Most of the guys I coach will inevitably ask me a question along the lines of, “If a girl asks me [a particular question], what’s the best way for me to answer it? What should I say to get her to do what I want?” I always defer to honesty – “You can’t make someone do what you want – all you can do is tell them what you want, and see if they’re down for it. Just be totally honest about what you’re after. Say whatever the hell is on your mind. Stop overthinking it and just be autistically honest – blurt out whatever is bouncing around your head, as if you have no filter.“
I always see a light go off in their head when they hear that – “You mean I’m allowed to just drop the bullshit and be open with her? I don’t have to think about what to say any more, or how to phrase it?”
That’s exactly what I advocate being honest – to the point of autism where you just blurt out whatever is in your head. It takes away all the pressure to perform. You just say what you’re thinking, without worrying about how it might sound. You’re free to just be real with people and not overanalyse every word that’s about to come out of your mouth.
This applies to things you’re insecure about too. If you’re inexperienced when it comes to sex and you’re worried the girl will think you’re shit in the bedroom, just tell her that. “I know this sounds dumb but I’m nervous to invite you back at my place, because I haven’t had a lot of sex. I’m telling you because I’d rather be real with you.” 99.99% of the time girls will respect the shit out of you for being so open with them, not to mention you’ve just eliminated 90% of your performance anxiety by removing the pressure to perform. Suddenly you’re on the same team as her – it’s you and her, not you vs her.
Or another example: someone recently asked, “Is there a way to tell her I don’t want a relationship but I would rather just see her her again from time to time?”
I said yes, you tell her, “I don’t want a relationship but I would rather just see you again from time to time”.
So many guys will, instead of asking a girl what she’s feeling, instead jump on the internet and ask random strangers to theorise about what she might be feeing. Strangers who have no idea what the girl is thinking, because they’re not in her head.
Don’t be a weirdo; if you want to know what’s in someone’s head, just fucking ask them.
If you find it hard to be honest, that’s ok. I certainly did at the start. As I’ve talked about in other articles, honesty is something to aim towards; it won’t be something you just wake up one day and start doing. It takes time – and practice – to become a really open and honest person.
Deferring to honesty cuts out all the thinking and stressing about the right way to say things. You just say what you want in an honest way, and see if the person is open to the same thing you want. If they are, awesome. If they’re not, no hard feelings. It makes even the most stressful conversations – like “where is this going?” – super easy to handle.
You’ll also get better at “keeping it real with girls” and keeping them on your team. As in, cutting through the bullshit and saying, “Look, I want you to be completely real with me. Let’s be honest with each other, because I’ve had enough of dating people who played games”.
I say it to every girl I date, and it’s the reason the vast majority of them are so damn honest with me in return. Most girls say something along the lines of “Andy you’re the first guy to ever tell me he wanted honesty. Everybody else just plays games.”
Set yourself apart by telling them you expect truthfulness, and they’ll give it to you. But it’s up to you to lead, and set the foundation of honesty.
Best of all, being honest with girls means you’ll end up with girls who are honest with you. Being a good person means you’ll end up with good people in your life. Who would have thought? 😉