How Often Should I See a Girl? (Guide for Newbies)

I’ll say this right off the bat: I don’t normally do hardcore rules and I don’t like the word “should” – it’s not my mission in life to tell you how to live yours.

But probably the most common question I get from guys who are new to sex/dating is “If I want to have a casual sex relationship with a woman, how often should I see her each week?”

So again, there are no “rules” – you can do whatever makes you, and her, happy. See each other once a week if you want, see each other a few times a week if you want, see each other every day if you want. Nothing bad happens if you see someone only once every few weeks. Nothing bad happens if you see each other every day.

But what’s more helpful to think about is the consequences or the outcome of those choices.

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Seeing each other 1 time per week or less:

• Means you can keep it casual and “just sex” for longer if that’s what you/she are looking for; there’s less expectations of a relationship.
• You’ll both keep more independent lives, since you’re not seeing each super often.
• Once a week is great if you want to just share some fun sex, some intimacy, and then go lead your separate lives for the rest of the week.
• You two might not text each other as much; there’ll probably be less expectations of how much you contact each other.
• It’s more likely one (or both) of you will sleep with/date other people (I recommend being honest and upfront about dating/sleeping with other people).
• You might not meet each other’s friends, at least not right away (but obviously there’s nothing wrong with meeting each other’s friends if you/her want to!).
• Since you’re both not super invested, one (or both) of you might end up fading out of each other’s lives or moving on. (Not necessarily a bad thing if you’re talking to other women).
• That said, it’s entirely possible to see someone once a week or less, and have it last a long time. My girlfriend Immy and I have been dating a girl for over a year now – we only meet up with her once every 2 weeks (but we text each other about every 2 days).

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Seeing each other 2 times per week:

• You’ll obviously both grow a little closer to one another, since you’re spending more time together.
• You’ll both likely get more feelings and start to care about each other more quickly.
• You might do more stuff outside of sex (hanging out without always having the expectation of sex every time you meet, doing activities together, etc).
• You might text each other more throughout the week and share a little bit more of your lives with each other.
• After a few months of this, one (or both) of you might start getting ‘expectations’ of where things are headed, or one of you might feel like it’s time to start ‘defining the relationship’. (But you can just talk about this and make your intentions very clear from the start if you only want something casual. Or if you want to build a relationship, just talk about it).
• Maybe you’ll both sleep with other people, maybe you’ll both become monogamous (you can both talk about this and work out what you both want).
• You might be more likely to meet each other’s friends.

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Seeing each other 3 or more times a week:

• It’s very likely you’ll both develop feelings for one another.
• You will likely text each other a lot, and tell each other a lot about your lives/how your day is going/etc
• You’ll both probably be happy to meet sometimes without any expectation of sex.
• You’re more likely to go on roadtrips together, do activities together, etc.
• After a few months, it’s likely one or both of you will have some ‘expectations’ of ‘where things are headed’ or ‘let’s define the relationship’.
• One (or both of you) might want monogamy/to stop seeing other people.
• One (or both of you) might start wanting some sort of commitment; even just the label of “we’re boyfriend/girlfriend now”.
• There might be a temptation to lose some of your independence; to spend less time working on your own goals, seeing your own friends, etc. (You can counter this by always keeping up your own independence, and having her do the same thing with her own life. My girlfriend Immy and I have been together 6 years, we see each other 5-7 times a week, and we’ve both intentionally kept up our individual independence.)
• Some guys (and girls) get a bit lazy with their self-improvement and start to become complacent when they get into a relationship. Maybe they stop going to the gym as much, or they spend less time on their own hobbies, maybe they let their body go a bit. Again, not something to worry about if you keep up your independence, prioritise your mission/purpose/goals above all else, have accountability partners to keep you on track with your goals, etc.
• You’re most likely going to meet each other’s friends, maybe even family.

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So, can you see how there’s no “correct” number of times you “should” see a woman each week? It’s just about knowing what the consequences/outcomes might be, and then choosing how much time you want to spend with each other. In other words, do whatever you want. You’ll be fine, I promise.

Usually when a guy asks me “How often should I see a girl???”, he’s asking from a place of fear – he’s afraid of “losing himself” or “catching feelings” or “getting too invested in her, at the cost of his own life/his own happiness”. Which is why I say keep up your independence, have friends/my coaching/other people/etc who can keep you accountable with your goals. Keep doing the things you’d do if you were single – have your own friends, dedicate yourself to your own self-improvement and self-love, keep up your hobbies, do your own things outside of your relationship, etc.

A book that also REALLY helps with keeping your own independence, and not becoming needy/relying on someone else to make you happy is: I Need Your Love: Is That True? by Byron Katie. Seriously, it’s a life-changing book, particularly when it comes to keeping your own independence when dating.

But if after reading everything I’ve written here, you’re still thinking, “But Andy! I’m a beginner/a virgin, can you please just tell me what to do?” then here you go: just start by seeing each other once a week.

Do that for a few months and see how that feels. That’s a really nice starting place for a newbie to ensure you keep up your own independence, keep working on your own goals, and keep up your own life. You can also just follow what I did when I was a newbie:

Start with those ‘rules’ if you like, and go from there. You can always build on top of that basic foundation, and after a few months, start seeing each other more if you both want to.
And if you want more help with this stuff, book a 1-on-1 coaching session with me here.

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