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Over my last year of coaching (and several years as moderator/contributor on the Good Looking Loser Forums), I’ve seen hundreds (thousands?) of guys share their problems and questions about girls, getting laid, and self-improvement. When you’ve been giving advice for a while, a certain pattern starts to emerge; a pattern in the questions, and more importantly, a pattern in the solutions.
Often guys are looking for a silver bullet – a pearl of wisdom that will magically click things into place for them and solve all their problems. They’re usually hoping more thinking or a change in mindset will help you. Sometimes that’s true, but 99.9999% of the time the answer to all of your problems is:
Go hit on more girls.
Yes, doing the exact same thing you’re already doing (talking to girls & trying to have sex with them) usually fixes almost every issue you will ever have when it comes to dating, sex, relationships and keeping girls around. Talk to ’em on Tinder/Hinge/Bumble/etc. Talk to ’em in person out on the street. Talk to girls in bars. Doesn’t matter where – just hit on more girls.
You’ll find the more girls you hit on, the more you just dive right in and take action rather than sitting around overthinking everything – the majority of your problems will magically take care of themselves.
Taking action is pretty much always more impactful than sitting around trying to gain more knowledge or coming up with a “perfect” plan.
You’d be better off going outside and saying hello to 10 girls than reading anything on my site. How do you think I got to where I am? It was by taking action and doing things, not sitting around reading self-improvement articles. You can read my articles at the end of each day after you’ve taken at least one baby step to move yourself towards your goals.
(Obvious caveat: If you’re in an agreed-upon monogamous relationship, it’s probably best you don’t go talk to other girls – unless you intend to break up with your girl).
- I’m way too outcome-dependent.
- I just got rejected.
- I’m anxiously waiting for this girl to reply.
- I fucked things up with this girl.
- This girl stopped responding / ghosted me.
- I feel needy / clingy with this girl I’m banging.
- My serious relationship just ended.
- My fuckbuddy is busy / can’t see me this week.
- I have a theory about something…
- I have “Approach Anxiety”.
- She said, “I have a boyfriend/I’m married”.
- This girl I’m dating has dealbreakers.
- I want to bang hotter girls.
- This girl just told me, “Let’s just be friends”.
- This girl I was talking to seemed totally DTF, then changed her mind last minute.
- I hate women.
- I’m bad at sex.
- You’re seeing a pattern…
I’m way too outcome-dependent.
Being “outcome-dependent” just means you care way too much about being rejected by girls, to the point of beating yourself up every time a girl doesn’t want to suck on your sausage. And you know the only cure for caring too much about rejections? Getting rejected a shitload more, until you slowly stop caring.
I’ve lost count of the number of times a guy will come onto the Good Looking Loser Forums, write 10 paragraphs about how angry he is at himself for caring too much about each rejection, and asking us for a magic cure to fix his outcome-dependency. “How can I make myself stop caring?”
The answer is always the same: there’s no way to brainwash yourself into being “outcome-dependent”. Literally the only way is to go out and hit on as many girls as humanly possible, until you simply stop giving a shit which ones aren’t into you.
And the more girls you hit on, the more you’ll start getting laid. Once you’ve had a few successes, you’ll really stop caring about rejections – because you’ll be able to tell yourself, “Well, several other girls already liked me enough to sleep with me. So it’s cool if this girl isn’t into me; I’ll go find someone who is.” Awesome; now you’re even less “outcome-dependent”.
You also need to remind yourself that this shit is entirely random – getting laid is a “number’s game“. Your only mission is to go hit on 100 women, then hit on 100 more, then 100 more. Keep improving yourself (looks, style, bodyfat, muscle, social life) – and keep hitting on girls. That’s all you have to do to get laid and become a better man.
To really drill it home, here’s the most recent reply I wrote to someone asking this exact question:
“You become ‘outcome independent’ by getting fucking laid.
Not by trying to brainwash yourself.
Stop posting, go outside and talk to more girls dude. You’re probably due for a break from the forums; you write too much. Go hit on girls.”
I just got rejected.
Go talk to more girls. For every one girl who rejects you, there’ll be another girl who’s super nice to you and makes you feel like a fucking boss for having the balls to hit on her. Don’t dwell on the one who rejected you; move on and find ones who like you.
I know rejection hurts; nobody likes it. Even now after 10,000+ rejections (it’s probably more than that, honestly) I’d still rather a girl say yes to me rather than no. Let yourself feel bad for a few minutes, don’t beat yourself up if rejection upsets you a bit, and then go talk to more girls. I promise it’ll make you feel better.
I’m anxiously waiting for this girl to reply.
Two solutions to this one:
- Keep busy and distract yourself. Hobbies, spend time with mates, work on your self-improvement, throw yourself into your job – whatever you have to do to stop obsessing about her replying to you.
- Hit on more girls.
Everyone stresses about girls taking a while to reply to them when they’re a newbie, so don’t beat yourself up over that. Talking to more girls fixes it immediately though; it’s really hard to give a crap about a girl taking ages to reply when you’ve got 3 other numbers in your phone. 1 is the loneliest number; life is a lot easier when you have multiple girls you’re talking to/banging.
If you find yourself obsessively checking your phone for replies on Tinder/text, use an app like Stay Focused to block Tinder (including notifications) for a certain time of the day. I have it set up so I can only access Tinder from 6pm to midnight – so the entire rest of the day I won’t be bothered by notifications and won’t be tempted to check if a girl has replied.
Off the Grid is another great app – it locks you out of your phone (except for making phone calls) for an amount of time you set.
Example: A guy on the Good Looking Loser Forums was asking about a girl he was trying to organise a date with. He was beating himself up for caring too much about whether or not she replied. Here’s what I wrote:
“You say ‘I’m not gonna invest in her too much’ – you’re already invested, or you wouldn’t have posted multiple times on here in just a few hours asking about the same girl.
Cut yourself some slack; you’re a newbie to this, so you’re going to care a hell of a lot about each girl replying or not replying to your texts. God knows I anxiously and neurotically checked my phone 20 times an hour in the beginning, praying a girl would reply to me, getting angry when she didn’t, swearing I’d never speak to her again, then gushing like a little schoolgirl when she finally replied.
The one thing that makes it all better is going out and talking to more girls. You’ve gotta keep busy and distract yourself.”
I fucked things up with this girl.
If there’s one thing that’s worse than rejection when you’re a newbie, it’s the regret from pussying out. Nothing makes you feel worse than knowing you could have asked for her number, or kissed her, or fucked her – but you didn’t make a move. There was nothing standing in your way, except yourself.
I’ve pussied out on tens of thousands of girls at this point (no exaggeration) – I used to walk around my city pussying out on hundreds of girls for hours and hours and hours, before finally working up the courage to just fucking talk to one. And even when I went on dates, I was far too nervous/scared to hold their hand, or kiss them, or invite them back to my apartment. I must have lost hundreds (thousands?) of opportunities because of fear.
I also “fucked things up” with girls I was dating. Maybe I didn’t text them too much, or maybe I texted them too much. Maybe I got lazy and stopped improving myself, and they got bored and left. Some girls I was way too cold to. Others I was too jealous and needy. A lot of girls left me early on when I had no idea what I was doing.
And that’s the point: I had no idea what I was doing. You need to cut yourself some slack if you don’t have a lot of experience with women. You’re going to fuck things up. Some girls won’t stick around no matter how much you want them to; particularly if you don’t have your shit together yet. You can’t beat yourself up over it; your only job is to go out and hit on more girls, get more experience, keep improving yourself and you’ll naturally get better with women over time.
I do get the regret though. I get the overthinking it. I get beating yourself up. I get sitting around for hours ruminating on it, trying to come up with a way to fix it. “If only I had a fucking time machine, I could go back and do it all over again properly.”
Well, son, you have a time machine (sort of) – it’s called going out and hitting on more girls. You can’t have a do-over with the girl you chickened out on, but the good news is you have unlimited tries. No matter how many girls you fuck things up with, you can always go talk to a new girl. You can’t wallow in the past when the present is right here. The present won’t wait for you.
Example: A guy asked me for some advice about a girl he met in public, talked to for a bit, but was too scared to ask for her number. He was coming up with all these plans to have an excuse to go back to where he met her and then ask for her number. He was getting himself all worked up, really stressing and beating himself up over the fact he chickened out. My reply:
“I dont even have to read this big wall of text you just wrote to know the answer to your question will be, ‘Go talk to more girls’.
Yep, having now read everything you just wrote… The answer is still, you guessed it: go talk to more girls. Go back and ask for this girl’s number, sure. But you wouldn’t even be asking this question if you were hitting on more girls. You’d just tell yourself, ‘Oh well, I chickened out on her, I’m a little pussy. Doesn’t matter; I’ll go talk to 3 other girls today.”
This girl stopped responding / ghosted me.
If a girl stops responding to your texts (a girl you haven’t met up with yet), just delete her number and go talk to more girls. I know it can be frustrating if you’ve put in quite a bit of time talking to her and started getting excited to meet her – that’s exactly why I say not to waste time having long conversations. But if she’s no longer responding, the writing is on the wall – she’s not interested. Forget her and go talk to more girls.
And for god’s sake, don’t worry about what you might have said “wrong” to this particular girl, don’t worry about how to get her to keep talking to you (talking to a girl for ages doesn’t mean you’re making progress). Just let her go, like a leaf on the wind. Go out and find the next girl to talk to.
In the case of ghosting (a girl you’ve already banged just stops repling to your messages all of a sudden, without telling you why), that’s shitty of her and it sucks it’s happened to you. Read this. And then go hit on more girls.
I feel needy / clingy with this girl I’m banging.
Neediness and being too over-invested in a girl is a horrible feeling; I’m speaking from experience.
When you’re needy/clingy, you get into this horrible situation where you feel like you need her more than she needs you. That can quickly turn into worries of, “What if I never get my needs met? What if I’m dissatisfied and unhappy forever?”
You start overthinking everything and worrying too much about it all. It feels awful – you feel like you care about and she doesn’t care about you (even if she does). You get clingy and attached, ruining the relationship because you can never actually relax and just be in the moment with her – you’re always analysing your every move, thinking, “Is this too clingy? Can she tell how needy I am? Does she secretly hate me?”
Sometimes the pressure gets too much and you self-sabotage; maybe having a big fight, “You don’t care about me!” Or maybe you do what I’ve done in the past – break up with girls (and then be left with NO girls to fuck) just to run away from my own clinginess.
The answer is to go talk to more girls and build up some options – you need to show yourself there’s other girls in the world who’ll like you, so you’re not so afraid of any one girl leaving you. Over time your neediness will fade away as you relax, knowing you have some options out there.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship and talking to other girls is off the table, then build yourself a social life so you’re not relying on your girl for all your social/emotional needs. Make friends, try new hobbies – you need to build up at least a couple of people you can rely on to talk things through, to socialise with, and to handle your emotional needs. I’ve got a full guide on making friends here.
My serious relationship just ended.
If you’ve been with a girl for a while (months), even if you guys were only casual, it’s going to suck when things end. Being sad over a breakup and missing an ex is a completely normal and healthy reaction.
The only thing that makes that better is distracting yourself – focusing on your hobbies, friends, etc. And the best distraction of all – as well as the best closure – is forcing yourself to talk to more girls. Yes, you may need to grieve for a few days/a couple of weeks; be kind to yourself and keep as busy as you possibly can so the time passes quicker (time heals all wounds). Then push yourself to go talk to more girls.
It’ll be hard as first, but you can do it. Thousands of men have moved on before you, and you will too. As soon as you show yourself there’s other options out there, you’ll start to feel a little better. You’ll feel like, “Ok. I still miss my ex, but at least my life is starting to continue forward.”
And when you do meet the next girl and have sex with her, you will have an epiphany: “Holy shit, I don’t have to be stuck on my ex forever. There are other women in the world I can spend my time with.” Yes, you’ll probably still miss your ex a bit. Yes, you’ll probably still miss her. But you’ll be starting to heal by moving on.
You need to just trust me on this one: talking to other girls will make you feel better. Not immediately – it takes a little time to move on – but each new girl you talk to will make you feel 5-10% better.
And if you think, “But my ex was the one! I’ll never find another girl like her!” – read this. There is no “the one” – there’s lots of “ones”. Lots of girls who’ll be an amazing match for you and who’ll rock your fucking world. Hitting on and meeting more girls will show you that. Not to mention talking to other girls is making progress instead of sitting around focusing on the past.
That doesn’t mean you forget about your ex or never think about her again. You’ll always have the happy memories you two shared together. But for right now, when you’re sad and miserable and feeling shitty, you need to force yourself to go out and hit on more girls. Even if it’s hard at first – it’ll get easier for each new girl you hit on.
My fuckbuddy is busy / can’t see me this week.
Ask yourself this: “If I had a second girl I was banging, would I care that this girl is busy?”
Probably not. So, go talk to more girls.
I know it’s frustrating when your fuckbuddy/friends with benefits has plans, is on her period (you can always have anal sex instead), etc and doesn’t want to meet you. Early on when I was just starting to get laid, a few times I was in a position where I only had 1 fuckbuddy and she was busy. It frustrated the hell out of me – I was horny, really wanting to get laid, and my only option wasn’t available right now.
Know what fixed it? Going out and talking to more girls. Not only did that instantly make me feel better because I was interacting with new girls (even just talking to girls makes you feel pretty good – it’s rewarding in itself when you’re newbie). But some of those girls wanted to go on a date with me and some of them wanted to have sex with me; which fixed my “I have no options” problem.
The worst feeling for a guy who’s working on getting laid is lack of options. Go out and talk to a tonne of girls (or message a bunch on Tinder), and prove to yourself you have options. There’s 4 billion girls on the planet; you have options. It’s up to you to go say hi to them.
You’ll sometimes find if your fuckbuddy is busy for a week, you’ll go talk to a tonne of girls, and that’ll pass the time in itself (while also being a productive use of your time). A week will pass, your fuckbuddy will hit you up to meet, and you’ll go, “Oh wow, it’s already been a week? Hell yeah let’s meet!”
I have a theory about something…
Often guys will tell me they have a theory about something to do with getting laid – sometimes it’s, “I have a theory that wearing black clothes makes girls more likely to give you their number, because black is a badboy colour.”
“I have a theory that me carrying my big camera around will make girls think I’m more interesting, and therefore I’ll get laid more.”
“I have a theory that telling girls I’m only here for a few weeks will make them less likely to sleep with me, because they’ll know there’s a time-limit to things.”
The problem with all these theories is they’re just that; theories. You already know my thoughts on unfounded theories. What you’re supposed to do is go outside and actually experiment with your theory – put it to the test. Debating weird theories you invented gets you no closer to getting laid than sitting at home staring at a wall.
Example: A guy on the Good Looking Loser Forums wrote 10 paragraphs about his theory/question: “Can being a photographer help you get laid?” He went on and on and on about it,
“We’re against theory posts here, dude – go out and take ACTION.
In the time you wrote all this, you could have gone outside and asked 10 girls if you can take their photo, then said, ‘Actually, you’re really cute. Wanna grab a drink with me sometime? What’s your number.'”
Now stop posting, and go outside and talk to girls.”
The problem is guys think they’re being productive when they write these theory threads. You think, “I’m figuring stuff out, I’m gaining more knowledge – this is helping me get laid!”
Nah, it’s doing jack shit to get you laid. You’re just sitting around mental-masturbating. The time you waste coming up with your theory, posting it, and then debating the topic with other people is time you could have spent hitting on 50 women, one of whom would have slept with you.
I have “Approach Anxiety”.
When you have approach anxiety (being nervous about hitting on girls) – the only solution is to force yourself to hit on more girls. Yes, it’s fucking terrifying – beating my approach anxiety was the hardest thing I ever did (and the most terrifying). I had several breakdowns. It was absolutely worth it.
Forcing yourself to talk to girls is exposure therapy – the only way to make anxiety/fear/nerves go away. You can’t brainwash yourself into just not feeling anxiety; the only way to get comfortable hitting on girls is to actually hit on girls.
Being full of fear is totally ok; it’s normal. A man isn’t courageous because he acts without fear. A man is courageous because he acts in spite of the fear.
If you absolutely can’t talk to girls, do this (free) Approach Anxiety Program. The program holds your hand and gets you starting off super-easy; you literally just walk up to girls and ask them for the time. It slowly escalates up over the next 6 weeks until you’re eventually hitting on girls properly and asking for their number.
The program fully-embraces the idea of “talk to more girls” – you end up talking to thousands of girls by the time you finish it. You’ll have almost zero approach anxiety at the end (and on some days when you do feel a bit of nerves, you just won’t care – it won’t stop you from hitting on girls). Here’s a log I kept during the approach anxiety program, showing my day-by-day progress. (You’ll need to make an account on those forums to view it).
She said, “I have a boyfriend/I’m married”.
I know this is a radical notion for a lot of “pickup-artists”, but when a girl tells you she has a boyfriend or is married: she’s politely rejecting you.
“I have a boyfriend” is often something girls say when they’re trying to reject you as nicely as possible. Maybe she’s not into you, or she’s not in a good mood, or she doesn’t like giving her number out to someone she just met, etc. In those cases, girls will give an automatic, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” as a polite catch-all when they don’t want to go any further. Respect what she’s saying to you, instead of thinking you can manipulate/get around what she’s just said. Move on and go hit on more girls.
I know a lot of pickup artists talk about winning a girl over even if she has a boyfriend. Is that really worth it to you? First of all, she’s just turned you down – don’t you want to hold your head up high, have some pride in yourself, and get laid with girls who don’t make it a fucking battle to have sex with them?
And in the case where she actually does have a boyfriend – do you really want to deal with that? Girls with boyfriends can often bring more drama and are way more hassle; you basically have to fight her every step of the way, trying desperately to convince her to cheat on her boyfriend/husband for you. Not to mention he may find out and start throwing drama at you as well. Are you so desperate and attached to this one girl, you can’t go find another one? Don’t you have other options?
Of course you do; even if you think you don’t right now. There are 4 billion other girls on the planet. A tonne of them will be single. Go hit on those ones instead, and leave the attached girls to their boyfriends/husbands (whether made up or real).
This girl I’m dating has dealbreakers.
Go talk to more girls. In a lot of cases if there’s no chance of compromise and the girl you’re seeing has dealbreakers/huge red flags, it’s better to go find a new girl who’ll match up with you better. Trust me, speaking from experience it is damn hard to change someone. It’s usually a fool’s errand.
Not to mention, trying to force a girl to be something/someone she really doesn’t want to (or can’t) be leads to certain drama. And a tonne of anxiety on your part, as you stress yourself trying to change her. You’re better off finding a girl who ticks more of your boxes; a girl you don’t have to spend so much effort trying to change. One you can build something awesome with right from the start.
Don’t try and squash a square peg in a round hole. Go hit on more girls and find one who’s more suited to you and what you’re looking for.
I want to bang hotter girls.
Another easy one: go hit on more girls.
A lot of guys overcomplicate this, saying, “But I don’t want to lower my standards!” If you’re inexperienced, you don’t have a choice: lower your standards. You can’t expect to bang hot girls if you don’t have much experience or practice getting laid with average or “cute” girls.
You certainly don’t bang hot girls by having less sex and being more fussy. “I want to bang hot girls, therefore I won’t even talk to any girl below an 8.” That’s a surefire way to end up lonely as hell and make yourself needy. After all, if you aren’t banging any girls right now, do you think you’ll do better with the hot girls, or do you think you’ll be “outcome-dependent” as we talked about above?
Think of cute girls as training in order to be able to bang the hottest girls. They’ll make you more confident, you’ll get some practice sticking to a gameplan and knowing how to get laid, and some of them will be absolute sweethearts to you and will make great fuckbuddies. Getting laid makes you a better man – which helps you pull the hotter girls you really want. Who knows, by not being so fussy, you might even meet some girls you really really like & want to keep around.
I have a lot of experience with this – I started out really nervous around hot girls and I couldn’t even talk to them, let alone hit on them and try to bang them. Even if I somehow accidentally got them into the bedroom, I would have been too nervous to even get it up. Here’s a post I made on the Good Looking Loser Forums back in March 2018:
Look at the language I used: “I have no business being on a date with a girl like this.” I had very little experience with hot girls, and it freaked me out; I wasn’t prepared for it. I didn’t think I deserved it.
How’d I deal with my weirdness around hot girls? I focused on the average and cute girls instead – the girls I was semi-comfortable hitting on. I gained a lot of experienced, had a lot of lays and made a lot of awesome memories, and guess what? I became more confident.
Then I was able to start hitting on the hot girls, and even though I was still pretty nervous, I was no longer terrified of them. I banged a couple, using the experienced I gained from all the previous girls, and got myself to a point where I now only bang girls I’m really attracted to (mostly…)
If you want hot girls, go hit on a lot of girls.
This girl just told me, “Let’s just be friends”.
Sucks, but move on and talk to more girls.
Your only power is the ability to do your own thing. You can’t make a girl want to fuck you if she’s said explicitly she wants to be friends. “If I had another girl I was banging, would I care that this girl only wants to be friends?” What if I had 2 girls I was banging?”
Course not, you’d already be getting sex – especially if you had at least two fuckbuddies. The friendzone thing would barely even register.
Go outside (or use my Tinder guide) and give yourself some options – even if you don’t have other girls to bang, just talking to girls will make you feel better.
This girl I was talking to seemed totally DTF, then changed her mind last minute.
I know it’s frustrating as hell – especially when you were so close. Do what I said above: unmatch/block her, then move on and talk to more girls. Use the frustration of her not banging you as motivation to go talk to 10 more girls – go nuts.
Example: A guy was stressing about a girl he was flirting with and got a number off. They were hitting it off, she seemed very keen to meet him… and then she just decided she didn’t want to meet him. He was asking what things he could do or say to get her to change her mind (even though she’d made it very clear she didn’t want to meet any more). I wrote:
“Don’t stress too much about this – you did everything about as well as you could have done. Some girls aren’t going to fuck you no matter how perfect things seem, no matter how much they seem into you. Girls are like a leaf on the wind – they often change direction from moment to moment.
Don’t write anything back to her. She said, “I cannot speak to you any more”. Respect that and move on – go talk to more girls. There’s 4 billion other girls on the planet for you to talk to.
Again, you did everything right here. Forget her and go hit on the next one.”
I hate women.
I know this isn’t what you’ll want to hear if you hate women, but the only way to hate them less is to spend more time with them. You’ll eventually come to see women are just like men; there are some bad ones, some average ones, and some truly amazing ones. You need to give yourself the chance to meet the amazing ones, and the only way to do that is to – you guessed it – hit on more women.
Over time, you’ll naturally hate women less and less, and will eventually start to like them. I absolutely detested women (and “female nature”) at the start; that changed, slowly, as I got to know a few really sweet girls. Do your best to look for the good in women; try your hardest to find examples of kindness, loyalty and sweetness. There’s plenty of it out there if you try to find it.
Go hit on more girls. It’s ok if you are bitter at the start; that’ll change over time. Try to keep an open mind and just trust what I’m telling you: spending time with lots of women will (eventually) solve your women-hating issues. You’ll find some women are absolute sweethearts; you just have to find them.
For the longest time, I really hated women – I’ve talked about it here. I hated everything about them, I totally detested them – I wanted to hate them. But over time I met too many really lovely girls who softened my heart and wore down my resolve to hate them; really genuinely good, kind people who wanted the best for me and added a lot to my life. No matter how hard I tried (and I really did try) I couldn’t hate them. They were just too kind.
Eventually I realised, “If these girls are genuinely good people… maybe there’s other girls who are good people.” I kept talking to more girls, started actively trying to find the good ones, and started running away from the bad ones. These days my life is full of only good women – I don’t let myself dislike any women. If I feel myself starting to dislike a girl when I’m talking to her on Tinder/via text, I immediately unmatch her and talk to a girl who makes me like her.
If you hate women, your path to hating them less is the same as mine: go hit on more girls.
I’m bad at sex.
Easy one. If you have a girlfriend/fuckbuddy right now, have a lot of sex with her and practice the stuff I wrote here. But if you don’t have a girl you’re seeing…
Go talk to more girls.
The more girls you date/bang, the more you’ll be able to practice foreplay, sex, making girls orgasm, etc. Being good at sex just takes practice; like everything else.
You’re seeing a pattern…
Yep – just about every problem you throw at me can be solved with, “Go talk to more girls”.
I could come up with 100 more examples of times where your problem seems unique and different to the examples above, and you’re convinced it must have a unique answer… but the answer still ends up being, go talk to more fucking girls.
Don’t be a pussy.
Get off this website and talk to more girls. Right now.